Was IBU leaving meal?

[CharDee]

We went for a meal earlier for Father's Day/DH's Birthday/friends birthday. We arranged this a couple of weeks ago and it slipped our mind it was Father's Day but everyone was happy to go along with it still.

There was 8 of us all there plus DS and friends children. Our friends -"Anna" and "Jack" had their two older children and a newborn. All our other friends who were there don't have children but one couple is expecting their first baby.

I had a miscarriage not long ago and DH and I have decided that we are not going to have any more children. DH always wanted more and coming to this decision was hard for him especially.

Our friends are aware of the miscarriages that I've had and we've said that we don't want any more children. The main reason is that I can't go through another miscarriage but also DS was born with a rare condition that a new baby may have too.

At lunch Jack asked DH what DS has got him for Father's Day. I had spent quite a lot of money, I think maybe a bit out of guilt, and got him a new games console and games. Anna said she felt guilty because she only got Jack something small. Jack laughed then said "Well you've given me three children. I bet CharDee got DH that because she's never going to give him anymore babies." Nobody else laughed and one of our friends just said "That's a bit rude don't you think Jack? I think you should apologise."

Jack laughed it off and said "I didn't mean anything by it but Anna shouldn't have to feel bad about presents just because CharDee feels bad about not being able to have kids. I'm not overstepping here but we know she didn't want anymore anyway."

I just felt like shit and couldn't even bring myself to say anything. I just stood up and walked out. I got in the car and drove home. We only live a five minute drive away so when I got home I just text DH to apologise and asked him to either walk with DS or call when he's ready to leave. Not ten minutes later DH was home with DS and the other friends (with the exception of Anna and Jack) and suggested we order a takeaway instead and stay at home.

Jack has since sent me a message basically saying he uses humour in awkward situations and that he's sorry I didn't find it funny but thinks everyone leaving was an overreaction and asked if I could explain this to everyone that it's nothing to be offended over. I haven't replied because I honestly can't put in to words how I feel but now I'm slightly worried that I over reacted.

Was I wrong to leave the meal and then was it wrong for DH to leave and bring everyone home? Apparently DH said he was leaving and his friend (who is the one who asked Jack to apologise) suggested Jack and Anna stay and everyone else come to see me. I'm worried that I made the afternoon all about me when all I tried to do was not get in a ridiculous argument and cause a scene!

The pair of them are disgusting in their different ways. And yes, Anna texting the friend while they were still with you, CharDee, was clearly intended to create a wedge. And those emojis, laughing about the awful things said by her DH. What an insensitive bitch. I think she feels herself as better than you because she managed to have 3 children. When it's always down to luck.

I don't think you leaving was being unreasonable at all.

You did so quietly and with dignity. I would have probably given 'Jack' a complete mouthful.

Sorry about your MC. It sounds like you have a lovely DH and good friends. Apart from 'Jack and Anna'; they (he in particular) sound horrible.

His reply should have been a 100% 'I'm so sorry for being such an insensitive dick', not trying to qualify it.

I wouldn't bother replying to be honest.

fuck them. When people show you who they are, believe them. You and your DH sound fantastic. You don't need those dickheads in your life. x

You and your dh were 100% right to leave and your friends coming shows how much they support you too. What a rude horrible person Jack is

She doesn't have Mumsnet because she's said in the past she wouldn't use it so almost certain she won't see this thread.

Well let's hope she does really and is reading this. Someone needs to tell her!

The FU to the dailyfail is just incase!

And another just in case...I have 2 words for Jack and Anna 🖕 & 🖕

I'm not sure if I feel sorry for the wife or not but I would never be in their company again and not ever speak to him.

Jack and Anna are lower than pondscum, and perfectly suited to each other.

If Anna has the nerve to contact you about the playdate later in the week, I wouldn't even deign to reply. Let the silence speak volumes. Then I'd block her too, and move on without her or her vile husband. I hope DH does the same re the football.

It's refreshing to read about a husband/partner who actually did the right thing when his family had been attacked, and didn't try to brush it under the carpet for an 'easy life'. Your true friends are/were amazing with their actions too.

Well done for walking out in the dignified manner that you did, rather than remaining there and simmering, and then coming here to question whether you should have reacted at the time.

Another FU to the DM from me (however part of me wants Anna and Jack to be ousted for their disgusting behaviour in such a public way... if they think the comments on here about them are bad it will be nothing compared to what DM readers will write...)

Omg. Sorry, catching up on this properly now. How dare she send your Friends a text like that!!! How dare she try and minimise it and attach a laughing face. How dare she!!! She sounds worse than him tbh or at least as bad. He may have 'blurted' off his mouth initially and then dug himself into the bottom of an extremely large hole. But she has had the opportunity to compose a carefully worded response to you or your friends and has utterly failed!! You have enough friends. You don't need them.

Agree with @fargo123 it's refreshing to see someone act in a just and dignified way rather than sitting there seething then moaning about it afterwards

Jack laughed then said "Well you've given me three children. I bet CharDee got DH that because she's never going to give him anymore babies."

I know the thread is already 16 pages in, but I have to say I actually gasped out loud when I got to this in your original post, OP.

Horrendous. And then he carried on defending what he said rather than genuinely apologise.

YWNBU to leave, nor was anyone else.

Jack's sorry you didn't find it funny? Wow - fauxpology alert!

Hint for Jack: NOBODY found it funny.

Jack should've said, "What I said was incredibly insensitive & I apologise for saying it & for hurting you. I hope you can forgive me & that we can all be friends again."

I'd avoid meeting his wife this week.

I'm glad you got such fantastic support. You deserve it.

OP please don't waste any energy worrying about this.
He is a screaming narcissist who will NEVER acknowledge/understand that you have feelings. (Classic narc 'apology' : I'm sorry that you seem to have overreacted 🤬)
She is as bad or trapped in his toxic web.
BTW what he said was definitely a reflection of stuff they have discussed privately. Which is why she is equally clueless at your reaction.
Thank your lucky stars that you don't share any DNA with these fuckers. Block & move on.
Your friends & DH are amazing!

You have great friends and a lovely DH, Op. I’m glad they’ve got your back, and I’m really sorry for what you’ve been through. Fuck Jack and Anna, the pair of bastards.

Jack & Anna are a pair of dickheads. You're well rid. Enjoy the rest of your evening & your good friends

OP you were right to leave as were everyone else.
Jack is an idoit.
There was no awkwardness until he came out with his poison.
What possessed him to be so nasty?!

He can sort his own mess out.
Hope you're feeling better now.

I also hope Anna reads this thread. They both sound awful. Your friends, especially the one corresponding with Anna sound ace. Your dh told Jack not to contact you. So he should not have done that. Neither of them are showing you any respect.

Have a you deserve it x

He definitely knew about my miscarriage and that we'd decided not to have any more. Anna knew too. We bumped in to them as we were leaving the hospital after I'd been told there was no heartbeat, they were going in for an appointment. They saw us and that I was crying and care straight over. I didn't want to say because I didn't want them to feel awkward or like they had to hide their pregnancy and baby from us but Anna asked if I'd had another miscarriage.

They came over a week later to see us and when DH was in the garden Anna asked how we were doing. I told them that things had been really shit, DH was having a hard time with it and that we'd decided to not to have any more children. I felt ridiculously guilty and DH had looked in to getting a vasectomy. Jack was sat in the room at the time and he even made a comment about vasectomies. Can't remember what but I remember thinking it was a dickish thing to say.

Anna sent me a message to ask if I still wanted to come to her baby shower and said she'd understand if I didn't. I still went because they're my friends and I didn't want anyone to treat me differently or make anyone feel like they couldn't be excited about the new baby, especially with our other friends expecting a baby too.

Fuck. Ing. Hell.

HOW can they witness your rawest moment & behave so heartlessly. All that happened today was that the masks dropped.

Completely reasonable and very dignified.

So glad the others left too.

He is a total twat and you shouldn't give him another thought.

You did just fine in those circumstances. I don’t think I could have kept my cool. What a great dh and friends you have.

Well, they've shown their true colours: they are not nice people, OP.

I'm so sorry for your losses. I'm glad you have such good, supportive friends to help you through this difficult time and to deal with twats like those two.

Jack did not use humour in an awkward situation, there was nothing remotely humorous in what he said, it was disgraceful.

Agreed. The definition of humour is that it is, well, funny. No right minded person could have found what he said amusing. Drop them and move on - you clearly have better friends.

Just a bit of perspective on Anna.... My DH can be a bit socially awkward (although never offensive) and I find myself sometimes saying “what he meant was....”. I have a good male friend who is similar and it amuses me no end that his wife will make similar excuses for him when he’s said something that could be misinterpreted. Because they are just expressing things badly rather than meaning badly....and we are keen for people to understand what they actually meant. If there were any semblance of “humour” there, Anna would have been the first to jump in to try to explain the joke. Her silence at the time and attempt to smooth things over with a third party speaks volumes.....