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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was IBU leaving meal?

645 replies

CharDee · 16/06/2019 15:51

We went for a meal earlier for Father's Day/DH's Birthday/friends birthday. We arranged this a couple of weeks ago and it slipped our mind it was Father's Day but everyone was happy to go along with it still.

There was 8 of us all there plus DS and friends children. Our friends -"Anna" and "Jack" had their two older children and a newborn. All our other friends who were there don't have children but one couple is expecting their first baby.

I had a miscarriage not long ago and DH and I have decided that we are not going to have any more children. DH always wanted more and coming to this decision was hard for him especially.

Our friends are aware of the miscarriages that I've had and we've said that we don't want any more children. The main reason is that I can't go through another miscarriage but also DS was born with a rare condition that a new baby may have too.

At lunch Jack asked DH what DS has got him for Father's Day. I had spent quite a lot of money, I think maybe a bit out of guilt, and got him a new games console and games. Anna said she felt guilty because she only got Jack something small. Jack laughed then said "Well you've given me three children. I bet CharDee got DH that because she's never going to give him anymore babies." Nobody else laughed and one of our friends just said "That's a bit rude don't you think Jack? I think you should apologise."

Jack laughed it off and said "I didn't mean anything by it but Anna shouldn't have to feel bad about presents just because CharDee feels bad about not being able to have kids. I'm not overstepping here but we know she didn't want anymore anyway."

I just felt like shit and couldn't even bring myself to say anything. I just stood up and walked out. I got in the car and drove home. We only live a five minute drive away so when I got home I just text DH to apologise and asked him to either walk with DS or call when he's ready to leave. Not ten minutes later DH was home with DS and the other friends (with the exception of Anna and Jack) and suggested we order a takeaway instead and stay at home.

Jack has since sent me a message basically saying he uses humour in awkward situations and that he's sorry I didn't find it funny but thinks everyone leaving was an overreaction and asked if I could explain this to everyone that it's nothing to be offended over. I haven't replied because I honestly can't put in to words how I feel but now I'm slightly worried that I over reacted.

Was I wrong to leave the meal and then was it wrong for DH to leave and bring everyone home? Apparently DH said he was leaving and his friend (who is the one who asked Jack to apologise) suggested Jack and Anna stay and everyone else come to see me. I'm worried that I made the afternoon all about me when all I tried to do was not get in a ridiculous argument and cause a scene!

OP posts:
user1486131602 · 16/06/2019 19:30

No, you were not!
What a terrible, hurtful, unhumorous thing to say. That was not funny.

What a complete dick. An apology would not have, in any way, diminished the embarrassment and hurt that he had caused you.
I would avoid any more situations where he was present.

mbosnz · 16/06/2019 19:32

I hope the cocktails are still flowing, another takeout has been ordered, and you and your fabulous friends and DH are still going. . . you rock.

kmammamalto · 16/06/2019 19:35

This thread has made me all warm and fuzzy in a really strange way!
I am so pleased you have some lovely lovely friends and amazing DH, and also sorry that you have some crap friends. Dump them and move on. All the best, sorry you've been through so much recently.

JeNeBaguetteRien · 16/06/2019 19:36

Oh my goodness OP you were definitely not unreasonable.
Jack and Anna are prize cunts and vindictive. Her comments re previous termination would have been grounds to end the friendship long ago.
Your DH most likely won't want to see someone who's that much of a prick, even if he has known him a long time.

Enjoy your evening with your true friends and fab DH (I liked his brownie points comment, totally like something my cheeky DH would say).
Sorry for your losses 💐

acatcalledjohn · 16/06/2019 19:37

Wow.

Just WOW.

However, on the plus side this has also shown you how bloody awesome your awesome friends are. The kind that don't just help you hide the body, but support you through the planning and execution of the murder.

But again. WOW.

Fallofrain · 16/06/2019 19:38

I had a situation where my friend said something offensive in regards to my other half.

Dp felt bad that this caused me to lose a friend however what was said actually really offended me too. It made me revaluate if that friend was a friend at all and my dp bears no responsiblity for them trashing our friendship.

Sounds like your friends equally found it offensive and voted with their feet, both because they support you and because what he said has also offended them!

cailinvelo · 16/06/2019 19:40

OP, you little storm trooper you!!!
Fancy coming on here worrying you were being unreasonable. You sound like a diamond girl, with diamond friends and a diamond DH. I'm sure your little person will grow up to be a beautiful balanced and loving little human, having grown up surrounded by lovely and genuine people.
Faretheewell Anna and Fucktard Jack. Agree with comments up thread about Jacks gaslighting behaviour. That's nearly the worst part about it all! Arsehole.
Onward, to brighter days darling girl. WineCakeThanks

Notgoodatchoosingnames · 16/06/2019 19:42

You have a great DH and other friends. Screw them both x

sparkleandsunshine · 16/06/2019 19:44

I am so so glad your friends did the right thing, they are fabulous, you are definitely not being unreasonable and you deserve to have those good friends and not worry about Jack and Anna, if some sincere apologies don’t come soon then I wouldn’t even consider seeing them again.

NauseousMum · 16/06/2019 19:49

They are horrible people who thoroughly deserve each other. I pity the children raised by them.

Anna sounds as awful as Jack. You haven't lost anything there but poison.

rwalker · 16/06/2019 19:51

Silence is the best reply to any of this .

frenchonion · 16/06/2019 19:54

Fucking hell what a dickwad! He was out and out nasty - there was no misplaced humour in that! You did the right thing, and sounds like you have a good gang who supported you in such a lovely way by decamping back to yours. Fucking asshole. I feel terribly sorry for Anna too. How did she react? If that was my DH so would have kicked him in th3 balls under the table! I bet she feels sick tonight!

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 16/06/2019 19:56

You have handled everything perfectly, OP. What an appalling pair of thundercunts they are. But you have lovely friends.

Skyejuly · 16/06/2019 19:56

They deserve every bit of gut wrenching worry they feel tonight (if any@)

Ninabean17 · 16/06/2019 19:57

It sounds like you've got an amazing dh and friends. I'd ignore/block, move on, and know I'm so much better off without them.

SunshineCake · 16/06/2019 19:58

I am sorry about your miscarriage. I've had two and understands the feelings.

Your dh and friend are stellar.

Beesandcheese · 16/06/2019 19:58

They are utterly vile.
You are well rid. I also agree that your friends have probably done the right thing for them as well as you. A real veil lifted on Jack and Anna's true selves!

foreverhanging · 16/06/2019 19:59

You and they did the right thing. Jack is an utter bastard

frenchonion · 16/06/2019 20:00

God sorry, thread didn't load properly and missed tons of subsequent posts. Well it sounds like Anna is also a wanker. Blow them both off. No one needs mates like this pair of tossers.

ilovecatsabittoomuch · 16/06/2019 20:01

Agree that Anna and jack deserve all the worry/regret they will have this evening! Anna is an emotionless robot and Jack is a manipulative gaslighting asshole. As if he actually tried to make you feel bad for his disgusting comments!!

frenchonion · 16/06/2019 20:01

I love your DH and your mates though!

augustusglupe · 16/06/2019 20:01

It made my heart race a bit reading that OP. Christ Shock Didn’t mean it my arse. What a hateful shit he sounds.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 16/06/2019 20:02

Does he definitely know how much you and your husband wanted children and had suffered a miscarriage? Could it have slipped his mind? It's certainly a very peculiar 'joke/throw away comment' otherwise. Yes, he may try to use humour to diffuse an awkward situation (I do the same, esp when I'm nervous), but once his 'blunder' (if indeed it was his head racing ahead of his mouth), was exposed, you'd have thought that he would have been mortified and either ran out after you or sent his wife round. Or called, not texted. You didn't over react by walking out. He's probably feeling embarrassed and a twat now, but is further trying to mask this by playing it down. If he's truly sorry he needs to grow a pair.

singymummy · 16/06/2019 20:03

I don't think you was wrong at all for leaving. I think it's brilliant your husband left and all your friends supported you and not that unacceptable behaviour

CorBlimeyGovenor · 16/06/2019 20:04

Btw, I've not had time to read all the thread just in case I'm missed additional info.

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