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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was IBU leaving meal?

645 replies

CharDee · 16/06/2019 15:51

We went for a meal earlier for Father's Day/DH's Birthday/friends birthday. We arranged this a couple of weeks ago and it slipped our mind it was Father's Day but everyone was happy to go along with it still.

There was 8 of us all there plus DS and friends children. Our friends -"Anna" and "Jack" had their two older children and a newborn. All our other friends who were there don't have children but one couple is expecting their first baby.

I had a miscarriage not long ago and DH and I have decided that we are not going to have any more children. DH always wanted more and coming to this decision was hard for him especially.

Our friends are aware of the miscarriages that I've had and we've said that we don't want any more children. The main reason is that I can't go through another miscarriage but also DS was born with a rare condition that a new baby may have too.

At lunch Jack asked DH what DS has got him for Father's Day. I had spent quite a lot of money, I think maybe a bit out of guilt, and got him a new games console and games. Anna said she felt guilty because she only got Jack something small. Jack laughed then said "Well you've given me three children. I bet CharDee got DH that because she's never going to give him anymore babies." Nobody else laughed and one of our friends just said "That's a bit rude don't you think Jack? I think you should apologise."

Jack laughed it off and said "I didn't mean anything by it but Anna shouldn't have to feel bad about presents just because CharDee feels bad about not being able to have kids. I'm not overstepping here but we know she didn't want anymore anyway."

I just felt like shit and couldn't even bring myself to say anything. I just stood up and walked out. I got in the car and drove home. We only live a five minute drive away so when I got home I just text DH to apologise and asked him to either walk with DS or call when he's ready to leave. Not ten minutes later DH was home with DS and the other friends (with the exception of Anna and Jack) and suggested we order a takeaway instead and stay at home.

Jack has since sent me a message basically saying he uses humour in awkward situations and that he's sorry I didn't find it funny but thinks everyone leaving was an overreaction and asked if I could explain this to everyone that it's nothing to be offended over. I haven't replied because I honestly can't put in to words how I feel but now I'm slightly worried that I over reacted.

Was I wrong to leave the meal and then was it wrong for DH to leave and bring everyone home? Apparently DH said he was leaving and his friend (who is the one who asked Jack to apologise) suggested Jack and Anna stay and everyone else come to see me. I'm worried that I made the afternoon all about me when all I tried to do was not get in a ridiculous argument and cause a scene!

OP posts:
MrMeSeeks · 16/06/2019 18:53

Wow. Anna really isn’t much better. I’d block her too.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 16/06/2019 18:54

Do you think DH will go to footy with Jack?

PotteryLady · 16/06/2019 18:54

This made me cry - he was totally insensitive- I have been where you are 15 years ago and the hurt of a miscarriage never goes away. Biscuit

PlanBea · 16/06/2019 18:56

Your DH and real friends are utterly wonderful.

Hats off to you for such a calm and reasonable response. Jack should have apologised when prompted. (Really, he shouldn't have said it, but assuming it was a genuine brain malfunction, the apology would have done).

"I can't explain why it's not offensive as I don't know why. Can you explain to me why it's not offensive?"

Ohyesiam · 16/06/2019 18:56

Op, I am astounded at this mans behaviour.
I’m so so sorry you were treated this way. I think you behaved impeccably in the situation.

Sending you the biggest bunch of flowersFlowers

Aquamarine1029 · 16/06/2019 18:57

I would never be associating with Jack or his idiot wife ever again. What a vile pig of a man.

OhMyDarling · 16/06/2019 19:02

What he text was a non- apology.
It was a selfish, self serving attempt to save face and undermine your feelings.
I wouldn’t be speaking to him or Anna again. Has she text you at all?? Because if that was my husband talking to my friend like that, he would be in the spare room for weeks.

A true apology would have been sent with flowers and words such as: I am truly appalled about what I said, I was ridiculously insensitive and I don’t know what I was thinking. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

Ginger1982 · 16/06/2019 19:04

Wow, if I was ever in your situation, or one of my friends was, I hope I'd have the gumption to do what you all did.

Anna clearly wants to isolate you by contacting the others to arrange another get together. Well done to your friend. Fair enough Anna said nothing in public but I would have taken DH's face off afterwards if he had said something like that and would have been round yours apologising on his behalf!

If she doesn't reach out to you, you are better off.

DigiBay · 16/06/2019 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ as it repeats deleted message. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

1CantPickAName · 16/06/2019 19:05

Let us know if your dh plans on going to football with Jack the Twat

TwattingDog · 16/06/2019 19:07

Your husband and friends are really good people. Fantastic by them.

Good riddance to the other two morons.

Isatis · 16/06/2019 19:08

I wonder how exactly Jack thinks you can explain to his friends that what he said was nothing to be offended over, given that he must know how upset you were.

sqirrelfriends · 16/06/2019 19:10

I'm really sorry about your miscarriage OP. Your "friends" sound like very callous, self absorbed people.

You don't need those toxic people in your life, luckily it seems your other friends and your DH are lovely and have your back.

I hope you managed to savage the rest of the day.

IvanaPee · 16/06/2019 19:11

I actually wouldn’t respond to Anna If she does contact you, @CharDee because it’ll only be so they’re not ousted by the group.

Fucker.

Bentley111 · 16/06/2019 19:12

Have had miscarriages too and have been on the receiving end of comments in the same vein. You handled yourself with much more grace and dignity that id have been able to.

Jack is an arsehole. Your other friends and DH sound lovely and supportive x

QueSera · 16/06/2019 19:12

I am in tears reading your post. (I've had a miscarriage as well, and also have decided sadly not to try for more children after having one DC, though for different reasons - but equally difficult decision to come to and accept).
You absolutely did the right thing.
As did your DH and other friends who came back to your house.
I'm just speechless.

WTH is wrong with that guy.
Personally I would not reply to him. If he wants to come back with a real, heartfelt apology, I'd consider it. But there was absolutely no excuse for what he did. I hope you feel ok OP, you've got a great DH, DS and friends x

IhaveALooBrush · 16/06/2019 19:14

I bet Anna's on mumsnet all the time and lies about it.

BishopofBathandWells · 16/06/2019 19:18

Well the good news (aside from your amazing friends & brilliant DH) is that with Jack & Anna being together they're not ruining someone else's lives. Smug, insufferable cunts.

testingtesting111 · 16/06/2019 19:20

You were NOT unreasonable.
Jack's message to you makes no sense. Nothing was awkward until he began behaving like a jealous petulant brat because your husband had a more expensive Father's Day present.

Sorry you're feeling xyz isn't an apology. Sounds like you have great friends (except for Anna and jack).

mbosnz · 16/06/2019 19:23

Well the good news (aside from your amazing friends & brilliant DH) is that with Jack & Anna being together they're not ruining someone else's lives. Smug, insufferable cunts.

y'know, I was just thinking the same thing. Although - they have kids. Of course, they went for quantity. . .

CharDee · 16/06/2019 19:24

If she is on here...Hi! You and your husband are clearly twats and I'm so glad to be rid of you. I love your children dearly but really hope they grow up to be the complete opposite of you both. Also feel free to pop the items I gave you for DS in the post, I've heard that you weren't too keen on them anyway!

Also fuck you daily mail!

OP posts:
Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 16/06/2019 19:26

If I were a betting woman I’d bed Jack and Anna have marital problems - impossible not to when twuntiness forms the core of your being. I’d also expect there to be some infidelity somewhere along the line.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 16/06/2019 19:26

Bet not bed!! Awful autocorrect!!

ilovecatsabittoomuch · 16/06/2019 19:29

I hope she reads this too!!

Anna and Jack you are disgusting human beings and you are an embarrassment to your poor children. I hope all your friends see your true colours before you have the chance to heartlessly crucify them like you did Char.

Did this thread end up on Daily mail?!

Onescaredmuma · 16/06/2019 19:30

Wow op just wow.
I only have 2 things I can say one jack and Anna are fuckwits! And two your friends are awesome. Hope the cocktails and the good company are cheering you upFlowers

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