Was IBU leaving meal?

[CharDee]

We went for a meal earlier for Father's Day/DH's Birthday/friends birthday. We arranged this a couple of weeks ago and it slipped our mind it was Father's Day but everyone was happy to go along with it still.

There was 8 of us all there plus DS and friends children. Our friends -"Anna" and "Jack" had their two older children and a newborn. All our other friends who were there don't have children but one couple is expecting their first baby.

I had a miscarriage not long ago and DH and I have decided that we are not going to have any more children. DH always wanted more and coming to this decision was hard for him especially.

Our friends are aware of the miscarriages that I've had and we've said that we don't want any more children. The main reason is that I can't go through another miscarriage but also DS was born with a rare condition that a new baby may have too.

At lunch Jack asked DH what DS has got him for Father's Day. I had spent quite a lot of money, I think maybe a bit out of guilt, and got him a new games console and games. Anna said she felt guilty because she only got Jack something small. Jack laughed then said "Well you've given me three children. I bet CharDee got DH that because she's never going to give him anymore babies." Nobody else laughed and one of our friends just said "That's a bit rude don't you think Jack? I think you should apologise."

Jack laughed it off and said "I didn't mean anything by it but Anna shouldn't have to feel bad about presents just because CharDee feels bad about not being able to have kids. I'm not overstepping here but we know she didn't want anymore anyway."

I just felt like shit and couldn't even bring myself to say anything. I just stood up and walked out. I got in the car and drove home. We only live a five minute drive away so when I got home I just text DH to apologise and asked him to either walk with DS or call when he's ready to leave. Not ten minutes later DH was home with DS and the other friends (with the exception of Anna and Jack) and suggested we order a takeaway instead and stay at home.

Jack has since sent me a message basically saying he uses humour in awkward situations and that he's sorry I didn't find it funny but thinks everyone leaving was an overreaction and asked if I could explain this to everyone that it's nothing to be offended over. I haven't replied because I honestly can't put in to words how I feel but now I'm slightly worried that I over reacted.

Was I wrong to leave the meal and then was it wrong for DH to leave and bring everyone home? Apparently DH said he was leaving and his friend (who is the one who asked Jack to apologise) suggested Jack and Anna stay and everyone else come to see me. I'm worried that I made the afternoon all about me when all I tried to do was not get in a ridiculous argument and cause a scene!

DH hasn't heard from Jack but he's just said that he asked him to play football one night this week

Your DH wants to play football with Jack? I'm sorry, but I don't understand why.

I think what's become apparent op is what jack said is what they both think. They have clearly bitched about you both and discussed this behind your back. Neither of them wish to apologise, they just wish to make sure the others still like them. They would have agreed to send Anna's text together.

Unpleasant judgemental people. As said, they are not your friends.

You have awesome friends and a fab husband! But what a pair of unfeeling shits Jack and Anna are, I wouldn't be seeing either of them again

Afraid to say that I think Anna is worse.

Being married to a rude, insensitive dick is one thing, refusing to call him out on his rude, insensitive twattery is bad. But how much worse to rally mutual friends who were present to witness his behaviour and arrange meet-ups with them under CharDee's nose, while not only deliberately excluding CharDee, but behaving (as her text message is ample evidence) as though SHE (Anna) is the wronged party and not CharDee.

This woman is something else. OP I really hope you will block her and not look back. She's poison.

Your dh had already told Jack not to contact either of you, but yet Jack chose to do so. Not just ignorant, self-absorbed and rude, but disrespectful too, then?

Ignore them both, block them on phone and all SM. Let dh negotiate his relationship with Jack, as long they both respect your decision not to have a relationship with Jack at all.

Vile couple. They deserve each other.

"Well you've given me three children. I bet CharDee got DH that because she's never going to give him anymore babies"

This attitude makes me want to fucking puke.

You have fabulous friend. Jack and Anna are idiots for their behaviour today. Anna had every opportunity and was in fact given a huge cue to apologise on his behalf and hasn’t. How incredibly insensitive of both of them.

I've met people like this in real life. It's actually jaw dropping how some people are so arrogant in their view of the world. You are absolutely doing the right thing cutting them out. They will not change and you now really know how awfully judgemental they are underneath. I wouldn't want to share anything personal with them knowing how they would be judging me or viewing my choices.

Plus Anna is extemely manipulative. She knew they were at your house and instantly set about trying to drive a wedge by arranging a meet up without you. She obviously wanted to get them on their own to poison the well for her nasty husband. What a snake!

Jack’s comments and shitty attitude don’t just exist in isolation but are obviously shared and quite possibly influenced by Anna. She is not a bystander but someone that probably drips poison into his ear, given her prior awful comments to you. Personally, I would block the pair of them. The moment for her to step up and show some basic empathy has long passed. Someone mentioned that Anna could not have spoken up because there were children there. Actually, this is precisely what any decent person should have done, set an example to their kids and not teach them to accept cruel and horrible comments.

I don’t even know Jack but I’m willing to bet that his next communication with your DH contain some sort of reference to your DH getting you to toe the line and implying that you’re the one causing social awkwardness. He seems like the type.

I mean, god knows people say some really crazy insensitive things, especially after baby loss but these two are something else.

Drop them like they’re hot, the cretinous bastards.

You have the most incredible friends and husband. Jack and Anne sound very self centred and jealous, ignore ignore ignore.

Glad you have great friends and an amazing partner.

Bloody hell, I'm speechless. You handled it very well.

This. I'd have felt like glassing the cunt tbh.

wildcherries
DH hasn't heard from Jack but he's just said that he asked him to play football one night this week

Your DH wants to play football with Jack? I'm sorry, but I don't understand why.

I read it that the football request was before today

Placemarking. Sorry

I’m willing to bet that his next communication with your DH contain some sort of reference to your DH getting you to toe the line and implying that you’re the one causing social awkwardness.

Or equally likely some sort of jokey reference to your DH being "under the thumb" - either way, Jack's next move will be to try to drive a wedge between you.

wildcherries
DH hasn't heard from Jack but he's just said that he asked him to play football one night this week

Your DH wants to play football with Jack? I'm sorry, but I don't understand why.

I read it that the football request was before today

Ah. Probably. My misunderstanding. Apologies, OP.

God, I was open-mouthed at the poisonous Jack but reading your updates about Anna I actually feel sick. That comment about your termination is absolutely disgusting, she is vile. And the fact that she hasn't reached out to you but tried to manipulate your friends and minimize what happened is unbelievable. I would stay well away from the pair of them from now on, you don't need so-called friends like this. Good on your DH and your other friends for calling them out.

She doesn't have Mumsnet because she's said in the past she wouldn't use it so almost certain she won't see this thread.

Just a FYI, I had a friend who sneered at Mumsnet. I have also caught them posting on here, 100% undoubtedly them as they gave away very outing information on their children/situation. So the whole ‘they won’t read this’ isn’t as true as you might hope. Of course, you may not worry about that either way!

You have handled it with class. Your DH and friends are amazing. Forget anything else

You've got some excellent friends and a fab DH from the sounds of it, OP - no need for that pair of arseholes!

I'm delighted that your friends are the ones fighting them, not you. That is a sure indicator that YANBU.

I'm sorry about your baby

Everyone is right saying this pair are no loss but it's horrible, people you thought were friends acting like this.

You handled it well and you’ve got some very very good friends there.

(Not jack)

(DH) just said that he asked him to play football one night this week

Presumably this was before the awful remarks Jack made?

It's hard to see how he can retrieve this, short of grovelling to both DH and yourself, and that doesn't seem likely. I agree with the PP that he'll probably comment about how you've got DH "under the thumb", which isn't likely to go down well either - and in the background Jack and Anne will be whining to each other about how "sensitive" everyone else is

Sometimes "friendships" run their course and are better left, and I get the impression this is one such example

Jesus H, OP.

As someone with plenty of friends who make wildly inappropriate, dark jokes to each other on the regular in order to laugh our way through horrible situations, this is definitely not that!

If one of us had initially made a comment that we thought was in that vein (and I'm really not sure his first comment qualifies, but even giving a giant benefit of the doubt there) but could see that it had in fact upset the other person rather than making them laugh, we'd be absolutely mortified and deeply apologetic for the misjudgement. We'd not be doubling down on it and then trying to justify and shrug off all that we'd said! Bloody hell. Where's the humility and compassion?

Great other friends you have though!