Was IBU leaving meal?

[CharDee]

We went for a meal earlier for Father's Day/DH's Birthday/friends birthday. We arranged this a couple of weeks ago and it slipped our mind it was Father's Day but everyone was happy to go along with it still.

There was 8 of us all there plus DS and friends children. Our friends -"Anna" and "Jack" had their two older children and a newborn. All our other friends who were there don't have children but one couple is expecting their first baby.

I had a miscarriage not long ago and DH and I have decided that we are not going to have any more children. DH always wanted more and coming to this decision was hard for him especially.

Our friends are aware of the miscarriages that I've had and we've said that we don't want any more children. The main reason is that I can't go through another miscarriage but also DS was born with a rare condition that a new baby may have too.

At lunch Jack asked DH what DS has got him for Father's Day. I had spent quite a lot of money, I think maybe a bit out of guilt, and got him a new games console and games. Anna said she felt guilty because she only got Jack something small. Jack laughed then said "Well you've given me three children. I bet CharDee got DH that because she's never going to give him anymore babies." Nobody else laughed and one of our friends just said "That's a bit rude don't you think Jack? I think you should apologise."

Jack laughed it off and said "I didn't mean anything by it but Anna shouldn't have to feel bad about presents just because CharDee feels bad about not being able to have kids. I'm not overstepping here but we know she didn't want anymore anyway."

I just felt like shit and couldn't even bring myself to say anything. I just stood up and walked out. I got in the car and drove home. We only live a five minute drive away so when I got home I just text DH to apologise and asked him to either walk with DS or call when he's ready to leave. Not ten minutes later DH was home with DS and the other friends (with the exception of Anna and Jack) and suggested we order a takeaway instead and stay at home.

Jack has since sent me a message basically saying he uses humour in awkward situations and that he's sorry I didn't find it funny but thinks everyone leaving was an overreaction and asked if I could explain this to everyone that it's nothing to be offended over. I haven't replied because I honestly can't put in to words how I feel but now I'm slightly worried that I over reacted.

Was I wrong to leave the meal and then was it wrong for DH to leave and bring everyone home? Apparently DH said he was leaving and his friend (who is the one who asked Jack to apologise) suggested Jack and Anna stay and everyone else come to see me. I'm worried that I made the afternoon all about me when all I tried to do was not get in a ridiculous argument and cause a scene!

Also, what she said was of course a load of bollocks. There are no fertility punishments. It's the luck of the draw

I agree with a pp-why would your husband want him as a friend anymore?

Obviously it's disappointing for him to lose a friend-but then Jack's such a twat that it's not really a loss, is it?

Omg! Jack is a Twat, Anne I don't even know where to begin. Your DH and your friends are awesome.

Hells teeth! What. A. Twat.

You did he right thing, your friends did he right thing; enjoy your afternoon.

I'm also sorry for your loss, it's tough. Really tough x

I haven’t read the whole thread sorry because I was so angry by the original message. Jack is a shithead, full stop. What was the “humour”? It wasn’t like a bad taste joke, it wasn’t a joke at all. Ffs.

You, your DH and your friends all behaved perfectly in response. Don’t contact that arsehole again

Jesus that couple has no clue ana obviously thought she would brush it all under the carpet what a pair of idiots I'm glad you have good people around you though.

If Anna was your friend and Jack was only around because he’s the husband of your friend then perhaps it would be worth trying to save the friendship, but that’s not the case so I would let the friendship slide. It doesn’t sound as though it would be much of a loss really.

I would tell the mutual friends that were present that you’re not expecting them to take sides but you and your DH won’t be socialising with Anna and Jack for the foreseeable future.

Anna has replied

"Ok, so you're probably still with CharDee? I'll call you in the week to arrange something then."

Friend has text back and said

"Yes I'm still here. Calling in the week won't work either. I'm absolutely furious on Char's behalf after Jacks comments today and his complete lack of sincere apology. He's only sorry that she didn't find his disgusting view funny, not sorry that what he said was awful. He can't shrug it off by saying we don't get his sense of humour and you can't act like it was just a silly misunderstanding."

Jack said something offensive.
He didn't apologise.
He thinks it is your job to explain to your friends why the offensive thing wasn't really offensive (even though it was).
I'd be tempted to reply "Jack, no matter how you justify it to yourself, what you said has hurt and upset me dreadfully. You don't get to tell me to get over it. You don't get to ask me to justify your shitty behaviour to our friends. Please do not contact me."

Wow 😲 I didn’t realise that level of stupidity existed !

They’ve both managed to offend a fair number of friends with that behaviour. Glad you have a great group of friends and lovely DH.

Sorry for your loss

X-Post. Your friend is a star.

Ooh! They are a bit deluded aren't they? Anna certainly seems to think that your friend is only being polite and will rush to her side once out of your sphere of influence! How very shallow.. and telling!

Can I just say I love your friend

Your friend is bloody awesome.

Your friend is so great.

I love your friend.

CharDee cut this pair of monumental twats out of your life and don't look back. My DH got a second hand book that our lovely only child picked up for pence at a charity sale because "I think daddy will love this" and money is tight for us at moment it doesn't lessen my son's choice for his dad that someone else got an expensive gift it was given, as a gift should be with love and a heartfelt belief that the recipient would like it. Your DH and friends sound lovely. Enjoy your evening. I doubt Jack and Anna will be seeing much of that particular group in future.

Wow, jack is disgraceful but based on those messages to your friend, Anna is something else. She's clearly trying to get back in with everyone else.

Your other friends and your DH sound amazing and have clearly got your back.

Cut jack and Anna off and don't look back

I was going to say that ignoring twats doesn't always work because then they just think they're right and you are 'overreacting' but your friend has perfectly solved that problem!

.

Your real friends are fab!

Jack and Anna are a pair of delusional, offensive, rude, insensitive bastards.

I'd block both of them entirely - do NOT respond to Jack because you really can't say anything that won't be taken out of context or twisted, and you can't penetrate that level of rhino hide either.

Blimey. So glad you have the support of your DH and your real friends.

Anna sounds just as horrendous as Jack, what an awful and callous response talking about you behind your back. She clearly doesn't care about your feelings.

Your friend is a total star, you have great people around you.

I hope one day Anna understands how wrong she is, but I fear she is either too stupid or too uncaring.

Wow. These people have some nerve, don't they? Sorry this happened to you OP but glad they are out of your lives

As someone who has suffered losses and also had to deal with "friends" subsequent announcements, I am horrified. Lack of tact in these situations is one thing but this is just vile! What a nasty prick and anna doesn't sound much better. You handled it perfectly.

Despite those two, you have some amazing friends. How wonderful of them to all follow you home for a takeaway and for sticking up for you afterwards.

Hugs and more cocktails for you xxx