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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to report DS' friend to the school (without his permission)

361 replies

jaccyjo · 16/06/2019 15:49

In a bit of a nightmare scenario with DS. He finished his GCSEs on Friday and went to a party with his mates.
Next day he comes home and I could tell he was really panicky and not himself. It turns out when they were out they had looked up some teachers on instagram and DS' friend had messaged some teachers off my son's account ...... !!!! DS has been panicking and saying he's probably going to get banned from his prom and leavers assembly etc.

I have just had an email from his head of year asking me to come in tomorrow for a meeting. I can only imagine it's about this as DS has now effectively left. None of the teachers replied but I imagine they have reported it. DS is willing to take the flack but I feel I should report who it was that sent the messages. I know it's true that it wasn't my son as I've spoken to the lad who did it. However DS is saying he doesn't care about prom anyway and he will just go to afterparty . His friends Mum is not helping as she says she has already spent £200 on her son's suit and if he gets banned from prom it will be a waste of her money!

My DS really doesn't want me to report his friend. He says they were all drunk and he allowed it to happen. What should I do?

OP posts:

CatToddlerUprising · 16/06/2019 15:50

Have you seen the messages? It’s best to tell the truth, your DS shouldn’t take the hit for his friend

Gustavo1 · 16/06/2019 15:51

If I were you I would tell the whole truth. That your son was involved but he wasn’t the only person and that a few of them acted as a group with someone else actually composing the lmessages. I don’t see why your son should take the blame wholly for this. There’s no lesson for the others if he does.

BiscuitDrama · 16/06/2019 15:53

I think given that he says he allowed it to happen, it’s his responsibility I’m afraid.

Wineandpyjamas · 16/06/2019 15:56

Honestly if he’s willing to take the flack for it then I’d listen to him. How old is he, 16? Old enough to start making his own decisions about things. He probably won’t appreciate you directly going against his wishes.

The other side is if you suspect there’s something more going on. Does his friend have a lot of influence (I.e, could he make ds life difficult if he thinks he’s ratted him out?) could you ask ds if he would be happy with you saying to head “DS is willing to take the blame for this as he was complicit but it was a friend of his who actually messaged from his account.” You could choose not to name the friend as a compromise. School can then act as they see fit. What was the message out of interest?

NeatFreakMama · 16/06/2019 15:58

I'm going to come down the other way and say he's old enough to be managing it himself. They need to work it out amongst themselves without you in it at all.

AlpacaP1cnic · 16/06/2019 16:00

Is he 15? I'd not be letting him get pissed up and stay out all night if this is what happens.

I'd go to the meeting with him and just tell the truth. He could say he didn't wish to name his friends and I'm sure the school will get that. And then he has to take whatever punishment he's likely to get.

What was the nature of the messages? If sexual then my advice above would change.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/06/2019 16:02

Tell them all you know... that his friend did it, that he didn't do anything to stop it, that the friends mum doesn't seem to be bothered about it and that you are simply bemused by it all!.

Then let them ban them both from the prom! If the messages were in any way abusive that's the least they both deserve!

The friend and his mum both know you know, so won't blame your son. and being totally hinest with the school, even though they have tecnically completed all teaching, is probably the best option all round!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/06/2019 16:04

And then have a REALLY good think about his age and alcohol consumption. I know, we all did it, but you have been handed an absolutely golden oportunity to let your DS feel the weight of the possible consequences without it being too serious.

It could be a good life lesson for him...

LolaSmiles · 16/06/2019 16:22

The teachers will have reported it.

I've had students attempt to add me and I've reported it to our safeguarding leader. They reminded students of boundaries and nothing more came of it.

I would tell the whole truth, but you son has to accept that he is responsible for access to his phone. Given how many teens have pin codes and fingerprint access, if he let's people play on his phone the responsibility it there (that's what we say in bullying investigations or fallings out).

The big question for me is the content of the messages. Some GCSE students getting drunk and sending a poorly considered messages saying 'hiya, thank you and see you on results day' and a friebd request is very different to messages saying they think a member of staff is fit or a dickhead.

sergeilavrov · 16/06/2019 16:25

Unpopular opinion, but I wouldn't let my son get in trouble and I probably wouldn't give the name either.

Ask your son to view the messages that were sent, reassure him that while he's responsible for his own actions, he isn't for those of other people. At the meeting, say that your son spoke to you immediately after the incident, and is aware that the messages came from his phone. Accept that he should've had a closer eye on his personal possessions at this party, and that given this happened out of school time, you will deal with that as a disciplinary matter within the home. However, your son is not responsible for the messages nor the content. Suggest that they talk to the pupils who were at the party to identify the culprit, and your son is happy to write an apology to the staff involved for his part in this and reiterate that he has expressed his disapproval of what happened as soon as he returned to you the next morning, and has been honest and open with you about it.

His friend shouldn't be letting him take the blame, despite his willingness. With time, your son will see that.

Pieceofpurplesky · 16/06/2019 16:28

I would tell them exactly what happened. Even though he has "left" he can still be excluded which will go on his record as he will still be on role until the end of next week when all exams are finished.

Have you seen the messages? Are the police likely to be involved?

LolaSmiles · 16/06/2019 16:32

ilovecatsabittoomuch
I'm inclined to agree with you on most things, but safeguarding issues aren't limited to the school day. School are well within their rights to follow it up if there are students seeking contact with staff through social media channels.

The most important thing that would make the difference in how school responds are the nature of the messages. Safeguarding works both ways and if the messages are offensive or inappropriate to a member of staff then they have every right to apply a sanction regarding prom, after all it places staff in an awkward position with a student/s.

Agree he shouldn't take the fall for it for it and let his mates get away with it though. It sounds like he let them mess on his phone, knew what they were doing, it was a drunk laugh even if he didn't send them and then in the sober mind of the following morning realises how stupid they've been.

teachermam · 16/06/2019 16:36

Are u sure it wasn't him who sent them?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/06/2019 16:41

@teachermam... she said she had spoken to the other boy, and his mother! So uyes, it would seem she is!

BMW6 · 16/06/2019 16:42

It would depend what the messages were IMHO.

herculepoirot2 · 16/06/2019 16:42

I wouldn’t report the friend. He was drunk and allowed it to happen is the most charitable version of your son’s actions here. The school can reasonably Iminfer his involvement.

What was in the messages?

user1494055864 · 16/06/2019 16:46

I think you would be absolutely mental to let your son take the full blame for the messages. What if he needed a reference from the teachers for something, or what if they ban him from the school so he can't collect his exam results. Tough luck on the mum who bought the suit. Her son shouldn't have been so stupid in the first place.

PCohle · 16/06/2019 16:48

I'd be a lot more worried about his drinking than about his ability to go to prom. I'd leave him to sort out the school by himself - frankly you've no real way of knowing where real responsibility lies. Telling your mum it wasn't you it was a mate isn't exactly the most compelling story.

itswinetime · 16/06/2019 16:48

Yeah you need to know the messages before you decide this could be bigger than missing prom!

Booboostwo · 16/06/2019 16:50

I think you should tell the whole truth to the school and let them deal,with it from there. You don’t know what was said in the messages, any other background or what safeguarding concerns this incident may or may not have triggered.

herculepoirot2 · 16/06/2019 16:50

A reference? I don’t think he’s getting one of those, is he?

Goodideaatthetime007 · 16/06/2019 16:50

If this were my son who had showed he can’t even be trusted to look after his own phone on a night out with his hilarious mates there is no way I’d be letting him go to the after party or the prom.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/06/2019 16:51

I'd be totally honest.

Do you know what the messages said? We're they sexual? Abusive? Racist?

Runmoreorless · 16/06/2019 16:53

I think that by the time they're sixteen and it involves taking the consequences for things done when drunk, mum should stay out of it

AJPTaylor · 16/06/2019 16:55

I would go and listen carefully to what is said and act from there.
It might be a warning. It might be no consequence. Has he left or intending to go back for sixth form?

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