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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to report DS' friend to the school (without his permission)

361 replies

jaccyjo · 16/06/2019 15:49

In a bit of a nightmare scenario with DS. He finished his GCSEs on Friday and went to a party with his mates.
Next day he comes home and I could tell he was really panicky and not himself. It turns out when they were out they had looked up some teachers on instagram and DS' friend had messaged some teachers off my son's account ...... !!!! DS has been panicking and saying he's probably going to get banned from his prom and leavers assembly etc.

I have just had an email from his head of year asking me to come in tomorrow for a meeting. I can only imagine it's about this as DS has now effectively left. None of the teachers replied but I imagine they have reported it. DS is willing to take the flack but I feel I should report who it was that sent the messages. I know it's true that it wasn't my son as I've spoken to the lad who did it. However DS is saying he doesn't care about prom anyway and he will just go to afterparty . His friends Mum is not helping as she says she has already spent £200 on her son's suit and if he gets banned from prom it will be a waste of her money!

My DS really doesn't want me to report his friend. He says they were all drunk and he allowed it to happen. What should I do?

OP posts:
Bunnyfuller · 16/06/2019 22:14

And they were all drunk.

And you’re cool with that’s?

LolaSmiles · 16/06/2019 22:20

So many sanctimonious people on here.
Yes because it's totally the most normal thing to do to get drunk at 16 and send flirty messages to a teacher...

Drunk dialling a friend you fancy and blabbering about how much you like them is a typical teen drinking thing to do.
Kissing someone and regretting it is a teen thing to do.

It's hardly sanctimonious to think 16 year olds shouldn't be sending flirty messages to their teacher.

teenmum1 · 16/06/2019 22:35

I don't think its unusual to be emailed at a weekend - my DC teachers often reply to emails at the weekend and as it seems that several teachers were messaged, it probably best to get it sorted out quickly.

If what OPs son says about the messages are correct they are hardly "creepy" or stalkerish - just a ill advised and immature. People are always doing stupid stuff when drunk and as I said above, while I wouldn't condone 16 year olds drinking, it's pretty common among their age group on the weekend after exams have finished.

Wolfiefan · 16/06/2019 22:40

Guessing all those minimising these messages also think “banter” is fine and “boys will be boys”?
At 16 I expect my son not to get pissed and allow sexual (you can stick to flirty if you like) and inappropriate messages to staff at his school. Also betting they are young and female too.
As for “they shouldn’t be on social media”? Isn’t that victim blaming?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/06/2019 22:41

Am I the only person who thinks it's highly unusual that the school have dealt with this over a weekend?

No, you're not

I'm also confused about the insistence that OP "tell the truth", when between denials, deletions and teenage deals on who's to take the blame, she simply can't know what the truth IS

Good luck anyway, OP - I'd say let us know how it goes, but somehow I doubt that'll happen

SD1978 · 16/06/2019 22:46

I wouldn't let the school know my child accepted responsibility for allowing it to happen, but that other boys were actually responsible for the content. I think it's nice he's trying to take the blame- but this can have a serious consequence. It can still go on a permanent school record if he's expelled surely? The boys involved should all take responsibility, and consequences exes. Do you know the nature of the messages sent? If they were rude or abusive, I sure as hell wouldn't be allowing him to take the blame for it all.

ADropofReality · 16/06/2019 23:03

Would I be being too preachy/judgey if I suggested that what a 16 year old boy in today's porn-everywhere society thinks is just 'flirty' might actually overstep the mark of what middle-aged folk think is appropriate? Dick pics have been suggested but it doesn't have to be that; references, say, to what underwear the teacher's wearing.

JemSynergy · 16/06/2019 23:05

I wouldn't let my son take the flack, of course I would let the school know the truth.

Original poster
jaccyjo · 16/06/2019 23:10

Thanks everyone. I will let you know how it goes!

And the school are pretty good at replying to emails, weekend or no weekend. I can only assume they want to get it sorted quickly as DS has effectively left. I guess all it would take is for the teacher(s) involved to report this over the weekend, and it's gone from there. As I already said, the prom is on Friday.

The email invited me in "At 4pm on Monday or at your earliest convenience" so I guess they have time to discuss at school before hand. They do invite parents in a lot!

But who knows, I could be taking this all back tomorrow when I get the print out of the messages and they are all terribly explicit. God I really hope that's not the case!!!

OP posts:
MyNewBearTotoro · 16/06/2019 23:11

I’m surprised that they were able to find so many of their teachers on Instagram and message them. I’m a teacher and myself and all of my colleagues have our privacy settings pretty much on lockdown.

teenmum1 · 16/06/2019 23:16

Good luck OP.

I'd be interested to know how many of the posters on this thread are parents to 16 y/old boys, who in my experience (as a middle aged person) are generally a pleasure to be around and not prone to making creepy remarks about women's underwear or taking dick pics.

clairedelalune · 16/06/2019 23:20

Haven't read through the thread, but.... as a teacher I would say yes, inform hoy of actions of other person, but your son should not have let his friend near his account. And actually, it is a teacher's responsibility to not be found on social media (most school's social media policy's state this); if they can be found or contactable on Instagram they haven't done their bit properly either. They have however done the right thing by reporting that they have been contacted (and certainly by not replying). It would be different if they had anonymous accounts, but it sounds as though they were easy to find...

INeedAFlerken · 16/06/2019 23:24

Good luck, OP.

I would tell your son to be completely honest: he was at a party, he got drunk, his friend, with his permission, was using his phone. And the messages were sent by his friend. If he knew ... then he should acknowledge that. If he didn't ... he needs to say so. He also needs to apologise for allowing an idiot to access his phone.

kattekitt · 16/06/2019 23:25

Maybe he will learn a really valuable life lesson from this, it’ll teach him who to trust, I’d be tempted to chat about if a true friend would let you take the fall for their actions...

billy1966 · 16/06/2019 23:30

I think you should tell the absolute truth without naming the other boys.

Clearly your son should not be drinking. He is not mature enough. His pals have shown themselves to be brats and well capable of dropping your son in it.

I would do my utmost to find out what those texts contain before the meeting.

If those texts are abusive, it will be up to your son how far he will go to protect his "friends".

He should apologize profusely and genuinely. His teachers are entitled to their privacy and respect.
There is the potential for a good lesson here to be learnt by you and him.

Next time he might not be so lucky.

EugenesAxe · 16/06/2019 23:37

Wow the thread turned into a real OP bash at the end there. I also think that many people have run away slightly with their ideas of severity. It's a bit unfair to start saying things like 'it could be a criminal matter' when on the whole, her DS thinks the messages were mainly a display of teenage silliness. There's no point guessing and panicking until OP's told exactly what went on, at the meeting.

I also have been emailed at weekends by teachers, if I've raised queries with them at the end of the week, and had a few drunken nights age 16. I think it's harsh to massively lay into the OP about the post-exam party.

OP it sounds like you're covered, but for my part, I would definitely be honest about what happened, just in case it does influence more than the prom and other end-of-term events. I agree you don't have to name the boy; even if they suspect, they can't punish him on assumption.

AmeriAnn · 16/06/2019 23:37

OP You shouldn't be 'okay' with your son staying out all night drunk at age 16. You should use this act of indiscretion to rein him in for his own sake.

GreenTulips · 16/06/2019 23:44

Most tot he teens here were out after the end of exams, the congregate in the beaches and light a fire. The police know where they are and pop by to check on their safety. Those who become obnoxious are escorted home. Most are just chilled and chatty.

OP I hope it’s nothing major and your son remembers correctly. One teacher may have taken offence. If he loses prom well that’s a lesson learnt. He’ll get other nights out

Friend mum has a disgusting attitude, no wonder the kid behaves the way he does

puppy23 · 16/06/2019 23:49

So many 16 year olds (and younger) drink - I'm sure many of the children of those pearl clutching at this are just doing it behind your back

Dieu · 16/06/2019 23:51

Definitely be honest about what happened. Your son may need references from teachers for a start.

EAIOU · 16/06/2019 23:58

Could the quick response/email maybe have something to do with the amount of student/teacher scenarios going on in the world right now?

Seems nearly every week that there's a case of teacher being explicit, exploiting or texting a student. So the teachers could be safeguarding themselves by immediately reporting.

I hope it's not as bad as feared and that it can be resolved sensibly.

Greyhoundsaregreyt · 17/06/2019 00:02

They do invite parents in a lot!. How would you know this, op? You mean you have been summoned a lot, I imagine.
Sounds like your ds has a bit of a reputation himself.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 17/06/2019 00:02

I wonder if school are coming down hard and fast purely to shock your DS? If he's 16 and leaving school soon, they might well want to be absolutely sure he learns a lesson through this.

Hoping it all works out for you and your DS tomorrow, OP.

edsheeranpaidmoretaxthanccola · 17/06/2019 00:06

There's no way I'd be going in blind to this meeting. See if you can work out how to recover them OP just so you're prepared

Italiangreyhound · 17/06/2019 00:19

"His friends Mum is not helping as she says she has already spent £200 on her son's suit and if he gets banned from prom it will be a waste of her money!"

Not your problem.

I'd just tell the truth. Your son behaved very stupidly, so did the other boy, the other boy could have said anything! The other boy was willing to cowardly use your son's account so they may both end up in trouble.

But the school have contacted you so I think you are completely right to say what you know.

"He was apologetic with me but I think is more worried about his mother's money!" I think I might just message his mum and say you plan on telling the truth (even though your son doesn't want you to) so if they want to minimize any damage they will get down the school and explain what happened.

What you have to gain by telling the truth is your son not being the only one taking the fall for what the others did with his phone (all be it with his permission). If you want to speak to the school without your son present just ask for a few minutes with the teacher before your son joins you. Your son is the school boy, you are a parent and you should be able to explain things privately before your son comes into the room.