to report DS' friend to the school (without his permission)

[jaccyjo]

In a bit of a nightmare scenario with DS. He finished his GCSEs on Friday and went to a party with his mates.
Next day he comes home and I could tell he was really panicky and not himself. It turns out when they were out they had looked up some teachers on instagram and DS' friend had messaged some teachers off my son's account ...... !!!! DS has been panicking and saying he's probably going to get banned from his prom and leavers assembly etc.

I have just had an email from his head of year asking me to come in tomorrow for a meeting. I can only imagine it's about this as DS has now effectively left. None of the teachers replied but I imagine they have reported it. DS is willing to take the flack but I feel I should report who it was that sent the messages. I know it's true that it wasn't my son as I've spoken to the lad who did it. However DS is saying he doesn't care about prom anyway and he will just go to afterparty . His friends Mum is not helping as she says she has already spent £200 on her son's suit and if he gets banned from prom it will be a waste of her money!

My DS really doesn't want me to report his friend. He says they were all drunk and he allowed it to happen. What should I do?

I mean mum stays out of any action regarding who does or doesn't go to the prom. If it turns out to be more serious than that, then mum may have to get involved.

I’m hoping he no longer has his phone and won’t be going out and getting pissed again any time soon?
He says his friend did it. How did this person have access to his phone? Or were they all in it together and now he is trying to wriggle out of it?
I can’t see the teachers wanting to see him at the prom if he’s sent inappropriate messages.
And no. He shouldn’t be going to any after party.

I think he has to take responsiblity for his account - plus I am not sure I'd be entirely convinced it wasn't him anyway. However, unless it's really bad what can they do - ban him from a prom and leavers' assembly, but that's about it. They can't ban him from GCSE results. The only long term problem would be if he was going to the 6th form at the same place.

Unless these messages were illegally abusive, no-one is going to exclude, withdraw references or deny access to the sixth form for a student who has an otherwise unblemished record.

The meeting is far more likely to be about respect, the dangers of alcohol and taking responsibility for your actions. That may or may not include losing the right to attend prom.

I'd leave the school to deal with it.

You could ruin his friendships with his mates .
Absolutely do not intervene.
You son is a young man now ,let him sort things out how he wishes

I would go to the meeting and be completely honest. Tell them exactly what happened but that your ds doesn’t want you to name the person who actually did it and is willing to take the blame. Tell them that you’ve spoken to the mum of the boy who did it and she isn’t willing for her son to tell the truth as she has spent a lot of money on his outfit! Be ready to accept that your son will probably be banned from prom etc

I would speak to your ds and explain that if the other boy is happy for your ds to take the blame and associated consequences, is the other boy really a good friend? But ultimately your ds is old enough to make the decision for himself.

With regards to the other mum, what lessons is she teaching her son?

Don’t let your son take the blame, for goodness sake! What happens if the police become involved or he needs a reference from school. Depending what has been said, this could follow him. Imagine if he gets a good job or position and someone drags this up. What if he’s falsely accused of something and has this ‘reputation’. The other mother doesn’t give a shit what happens to your son, because she has spent £200! Fuck that! Protect your son, to the best of your ability. Young people don’t always know what’s best for them and he may resent you now, but he’ll remember how you looked after him, when’s he’s older and appreciate it.

Hi, thanks for all the messages.

He's 16.

I don't actually know what the messages said, as he has deleted them all. He said they were cringe and embarrassing but not anything derogatory or racist. From the sounds of it I think they were things like "miss we love you" but I'm not entirely sure, as he says he "can't really remember" what they said. I asked if they were sexual and he said no at worst "maybe slightly flirty but not really". That's all I have I'm afraid! Trust me I wish I could see them too! He had deleted them last night after they'd been sent so I never got a look in. Can I get them back if I contact instagram?

I really don't want him banned form prom/leavers assembly/results day but I also agree he has let this happen and so really even if I report the friend my son might still get banned for being involved in it. Therefore what do I actually have to GAIN in getting another student into trouble apart from my own piece of mind ? Plus my son will be annoyed! I kind of hope his mate comes clean himself but he doesn't seem like he's going to! He was apologetic with me but I think is more worried about his mother's money!

In terms of his drinking, I know it's not ideal but i think most teenagers at the end of their GCSEs are probably having a few drinks at parties... forgive me for not being a parent who has banned him doing that (although I may be having second thoughts now!!)

Thing is the other boy can deny it and if no one else backs your son up the school have no proof. How bad were the messages?

I think you’re quite likely to be shown them in the meeting, OP. Sending your teachers flirty messages is stupid and unacceptable, but not the end of the world if it’s a one off. Hopefully it’s silliness and nothing worse.

Depending on what the messages were he may not be in much trouble at all.

Example - 'Hi Mrs X. Now we;ve left school, will you be my insta friend, please. From Y'
Teacher would report that for her own protection but you and your son would just get a talk about boundaries etc and be told not to do that again.

Even - 'Hi Mrs X. We found you! Ha ha! We're really drunk. Want to be our friend. Come and party with us.' wouldn't have much more consequence imo.

It's only if the messages are rude, abusive or suggestive that he needs to (and should!) worry.

Cross post.

Hmm, tricky. Difficult to know from your description if those are going to cross the line from thoughtless and silly but essentially good humoured into threatening or not.

'We love you' from groups of school kids usually means 'we think you've been a great teacher' and is quite sweet. But done over a social media message they won't necessarily come across that way.

Therefore what do I actually have to GAIN in getting another student into trouble apart from my own piece of mind ? Plus my son will be annoyed! I kind of hope his mate comes clean himself but he doesn't seem like he's going to! He was apologetic with me but I think is more worried about his mother's money! Stop! If you don't just tell them what happened then you are depriving them, the school, of being able to make a fair and sensible decision.

If your DS is right then it will be a bit of a reminder about online saftey, personal boundaries etc.

And who care if your son and his mate are annoyed? They acted in an immature and possibly overtly sexual manner. They NEED to be annoyed, embarrassed etc, they need to know what heir daftness could do to A N Other. Like... the teacher who received them had no choice but to report them, it is a safeguarding matter, no matter how daft or silly they were. That teacher could lose their job if they don't report and the message become a bone of contention later. Worst case the messages were more explicit and a female teacher was made to feel vulnerable, embarrased ro just plain angry! Neither scenario desrves to be ignored, brushed under the carpet!

Be a parent, for your kid's sake!

OP, my DS is the same age as yours. I think you could tread a middle line - tell the school the story you've been told, but leave out the name of the boy who is supposed to have actually done the sending. I think PPs saying your son has been irresponsible getting drunk, letting others use his phone etc, well , he's 16, it happens, he's learnt and it's all part of the process.
I wouldn't let your DS take all the flak, but you can do that without actually giving away the other boy's name, and then let the school decide how they want to proceed. They may decide to call your DS in and then he can decide if he still doesn't want to say anything. As PPs have said, he needs to take responsibility for this.
Just be very apologetic to the school and make it clear that you've talked to your DS about all of this etc etc.

Sorry, OP, but the fact that he has deleted them and is being ‘forgetful’ about what was written, would suggest that they were more than flirty. Also, what young men and boys deem flirty, could be extremely offensive some of the women.

I would tell them exactly what your son told you, and let them sort it out. Both boys were at fault, but the content of the messages (which is almost certainly worse than your son has told you) is his friend's responsibility, and it is right to make that clear.

If he was there joining in it could be seen as a group enterprise - legally that means they all to blame even though one actually did the deed.

By the way my son is coming to the meeting tomorrow, they have asked for us to go in with him. Hence I can mention the other child/children involved but if my son tells them another story there's not much I can do about that.

I do think you are all right though, I am going to say that it wasn't him who sent it and I am going to say there were a whole group of them involved BUT I will not name the boy who has actually sent the messages (as much as I want to).

Sorry to drip feed but slight back story on the lad who has sent them - he is very well known to the school and much worse behaved than my son, part of the reason my son doesn't want him named is due to the fact my son thinks they will be much more likely to ban him from prom than ban my DS as he doesn't have a bad record. DS also doesn't want me to mention someone else doing it as he thinks they will 'guess' who did it, but I have pointed out to DS that they can't actually do that and blame someone without evidence.

I am just going to go in and explain the truth of the situation without naming names and hope DS does the same. In all likelihood if we don't name the other student then I reckon DS will suffer the consequences anyway, but I do feel that I need to tell the truth. Thanks for everyone's support!

I'd probably let my DS deal with this one, rather than wade in, he's probably minimising his part in it to you. At the very least he unlocked his phone for the other boy, didn't he. In reality I expect they were all in on it, egging each other on.

He gets so drunk he thinks it is ok to have “flirty” (to a teacher. Grim.) messages sent from his phone.
He’s not being honest. He knows exactly what they said and that’s why he deleted them. I doubt he was uninvolved in them being sent either.
Why should staff be sent inappropriate messages and then have to see this kid at prom?
He needs to stop drinking.
He needs to take responsibility.
And you need to stop defending him and start being a parent.

I’m really surprised members of teaching staff are on social media that can be accessed by students. Revealing details of private lives is highly risky and is usually discouraged.

I'm really surprised at the number of people who would get involved. I'd go to the meeting expecting DS to explain and/or apologise, then support the school's decision regarding any punishment.

I agree at sixteen many DC will have a drink after GCSEs but the lesson about what can go wrong and taking responsibility for that, even if it was only being daft enough to let you drunk mate use your phone (although I bet there's more to it than that) is one he needs to learn.

I’m really surprised members of teaching staff are on social media that can be accessed by students. Revealing details of private lives is highly risky and is usually discouraged. And there we go! Teachers can't have social media... well, they can!

They just have to be very careful with it. Usually closed down quite hard BUT not always totally invisible, mainly because teachers too have old friends who might like to look them up!

So a teacher's profile may be visible without any details being public. Mine was, DSis and every other teacher I know have their social media of choice visible but locked down. You can be found but not snooped on.

Others use various channels to keep in touch, send work, links etc etc. Not all that unusual to do that. I have also used a facebook page to keep track of students at a few Fairs/Uni Open Days. Much easier than collating phne numbers, plugging them all in etc. Just show them the page and get them to link to it. Delete them when it is all done!

So much a teacher can do with social media toher than tell everyne their private lives!

And yes, that was a rant. I know!

hero most social media platforms allow you to message a person without being able to see their details/posts.

I think this is a bit of a tricky one, OP, because unless the other boy confesses it is just going to look like you're trying to foist the blame on to the usual suspect.

It sounds like your ds has accepted responsibility for messages sent from his phone, so he must be a fairly mature lad. It might be a good idea for him to go into school himself to apologise to the relevant teachers.

Hope he's remembering correctly when he said the messages were just silly.

I don’t know if the school will be as trusting as you OP when you or he tells them that an anonymous mate used his phone to do this. As excuses go it’s up there with ‘the dog ate my homework’ and ‘a big boy did it and then ran away’. I think he might have to give up on the prom if he’s not prepared to name names.