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AIBU?

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Original poster

to report DS' friend to the school (without his permission)

361 replies

jaccyjo · 16/06/2019 15:49

In a bit of a nightmare scenario with DS. He finished his GCSEs on Friday and went to a party with his mates.
Next day he comes home and I could tell he was really panicky and not himself. It turns out when they were out they had looked up some teachers on instagram and DS' friend had messaged some teachers off my son's account ...... !!!! DS has been panicking and saying he's probably going to get banned from his prom and leavers assembly etc.

I have just had an email from his head of year asking me to come in tomorrow for a meeting. I can only imagine it's about this as DS has now effectively left. None of the teachers replied but I imagine they have reported it. DS is willing to take the flack but I feel I should report who it was that sent the messages. I know it's true that it wasn't my son as I've spoken to the lad who did it. However DS is saying he doesn't care about prom anyway and he will just go to afterparty . His friends Mum is not helping as she says she has already spent £200 on her son's suit and if he gets banned from prom it will be a waste of her money!

My DS really doesn't want me to report his friend. He says they were all drunk and he allowed it to happen. What should I do?

OP posts:
Tableclothing · 16/06/2019 17:53

I think even naming names won't save him if they then deny it. School's view is very likely to be - his phone, his responsibility.

herculepoirot2 · 16/06/2019 17:54

Of course it’s fine for teachers to have social media profiles. Dickhead kids looking them up and getting themselves in the soup isn’t their fault or their problem, providing their own information is not visible.

Jux · 16/06/2019 17:54

Just tell the Head everything. Why on earth would you not tell the truth? You're not a silly schoolgirl yourself, so be an adult, tell the Head everything and let them decide what they're going to do about it, how far they want or need to involve the others and so on.

It's not your place to decide what happens here - it's the school's. They will know whether this boy has form - or do you know that? They will know who's on a warning and who isn't, and so on.

You don't know enough to make the decision.

womenspeakout · 16/06/2019 17:56

The fact he's been called in seems to me as if these are not just ordinary messages. Were they harassing messages to the female teachers or something? Or possible worse?

Your son must have had some involvement in this, how did the friend have full access to his social media account and not able to wrestle it back?

It seems it was a group thing and he was panicking afterwards.

What on earth were these messages though?

SoupDragon · 16/06/2019 17:58

If it were my DS I would tell him that he has to apologise unreservedly, that he was drunk and stupid, messing about in a group and realises it was wrong.

Unless it turns out that the messages were worse than he's admitted.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/06/2019 18:00

women He hasn't been called in, OP has

Her DS SAID he was involved, he let it happen

He didn't panic, he didn't seem fussed according to OP

And who knows. He deleted them. Op may find out tomorrow.

Justsaynonow · 16/06/2019 18:03

Since you don't know what the messages are, what if it's not just a school punishment at risk for him? If your son takes sole responsibility and then the police are involved, he can't credibly change his story to blame someone else. He'll willingly risk missing prom for a friend...but what about taking a criminal charge for him? He needs to think that through before lying in the meeting.

womenspeakout · 16/06/2019 18:05

Yes, she's been called in, which would imply it's pretty serious and not just a 'hey, how are you' message on SM. That's not going to warrant a call in or a ban from prom.

It seems it must be quite something, if this happened on Friday, the fact the OP has already been contacted over the weekend would mean the teachers had also been in contact with their supervisors during the weekend too.

And yes, the Op said he seemed panicked, here are two quotes about that...

I could tell he was really panicky
DS has been panicking

TantricTwist · 16/06/2019 18:11

Yes of course report the friend when you go into the meeting.

Greyhoundsaregreyt · 16/06/2019 18:12

Your ds thinks the teachers will “guess” who did it? Hmm. They think he did it, and if all he can come up with is “it wasn’t me Miss, honest”, they have no reason whatsoever to think otherwise.
He had to have been involved at some level, surely?
How could they have done it without him knowing?
And words fail me on the halfwit whose only concern is not wasting the money for the prom suit Hmm
What a role model she is.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 16/06/2019 18:13

If your DS won't name the boy, you should. Saying "someone else did it but I won't tell you who" is childish and annoying. And sounds like a lie.

Teaandchocolatecake · 16/06/2019 18:14

The fact came home panicky and not himself, along with the messages having been deleted would concern me. That makes it sound as though he hasn’t forgotten the content.

I would want to know what was sent before I let my child take the blame, what if, for example, inappropriate photos had been sent as well?

My child would be punished for allowing it to happen but I wouldn’t support them taking full responsibility until I knew the consequences of doing so. The culprits should all know that their behaviour is unacceptable and inappropriately contacting anyone on social media is not going to be accepted as high jinks.

Goodideaatthetime007 · 16/06/2019 18:18

The more I think about this the more I think there is a lot more to this than your son is letting on. If it was just fairly innocent, flirty messages I think the staff involved would have rolled their eyes and talked to his form teacher or HOY on Monday. The fact that they involved senior staff at a weekend and the HOY took it seriously enough to contact you immediately makes me think it must have been a lot more than that. I think you need to be prepared for a shock tomorrow.

(In fact, I’m beginning to wonder if there were dick pics involved - which would absolutely explain DS’s evasiveness and deletions).

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/06/2019 18:20

I am going to say there were a whole group of them involved

he is very well known to the school and much worse behaved than my son

To me it sounds like your DS is also very well known to the school and you have been defending him for years.

Frankly, take the hit.

And just be happy that its not somewhere where he would not only loose his job but be black balled from the profession for life.

gingerbiscuits · 16/06/2019 18:20

No way would I allow my son to fully take the flak for something his so called mate did, purely because his mum has spent money on his prom suit!! Fuck that!! I'd go in to the school meeting & be 100% honest.

womenspeakout · 16/06/2019 18:27

*The fact that they involved senior staff at a weekend and the HOY took it seriously enough to contact you immediately makes me think it must have been a lot more than that. I think you need to be prepared for a shock tomorrow.

(In fact, I’m beginning to wonder if there were dick pics involved - which would absolutely explain DS’s evasiveness and deletions).*

This is what I thought.

I can't see if it was just a few silly messages teachers would have gotten onto their superiors at the weekend and then the HOY would also message.

This seems like something very serious for such quick action, and my thinking was possibly photos or something.

I'm sure it'll all come out in the wash though, if it was the friend or not, or perhaps the friend was egging on, but he actually did send the messages.

Original poster
jaccyjo · 16/06/2019 18:30

I think some people are getting a bit out of hand here - there were definitely no 'dick pics' involved in this scenario. I know that for certain. DS would be a lot MORE panicky and also not be prepared to take the flack if he knew they had sent sexual images to staff - he is also not a complete idiot.

I think the problem is they messaged quite a few teachers. I have revisited the content of the messages with him and he assures me it was nothing overtly sexual. I asked what he meant by flirty then and he said they sent one teacher a message saying "miss we love you you're our favourite teacher" kind of thing with some emojis. They also messaged male staff saying they were their favourite teachers and sent a couple of teachers messages asking if they wanted to come to their party. I think they messaged about 9 or 10 teachers. This is how it has clearly come to attention over the weekend, I imagine since it was so many teachers they messaged it has been reported at the time to the head of year. I imagine the head of year has quickly got in touch with management as their prom is on Friday and if they are going to ban him/them they would need to get a move on. I dont know for sure if that's what is going to happen though, it's just an assumption we have made.

I can say without hesitation that no one has sent sexual images. My son would be A LOT more worried about the meeting tomorrow if that were the case.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 16/06/2019 18:31

gingerbiscuits (and others)

How would you prevent your DS from "taking the flak" the evidence is that the OP's son did this, its not just from his phone but on his account, the son says that he was there and allowed it.

He is responsible, the best that the OP can hope for is that whatever was sent was legal and that her DS will learn to protect himself from so called friends.

Greyhoundsaregreyt · 16/06/2019 18:31

Even if you do give the other boy’s name, op, if he denys it it’s still your ds’s word against his. Surely you realise this?
He’s been a complete fool, and if there were dick pics involved you could find the police represented at the meeting tomorrow.
He needs so much more than “it wasn’t me”, really.

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/06/2019 18:32

jaccyjo

I hope that it is just "my favourite teacher" etc.

The response from the school says otherwise.

Skittlesss · 16/06/2019 18:37

I’d just tell him to tell them the truth

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/06/2019 18:38

All you can do is listen to what they say, recount yours sons side and acknowledge that you know his side of things may not be the whole truth. Offer to work with the school on whatever resolution they plan for this, and I'd also add (and carry out!), removal of Instagram from his phone for a minimum of one month.

Riverside85 · 16/06/2019 18:43

The school might have screenshots of the messages taken from the teachers’ accounts before your DS (conveniently) deletes them.

mondaybluesgoaway · 16/06/2019 18:44

I personally think it will be a safeguarding type meeting about underage drinking. I wouldn't worry, if they only sent the msgs your son said, it is only end of exams high jinx.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/06/2019 18:45

Yes the school will likely have everything printed out for you to read. I'd offers ds one last chance to tell you everything knowing that you will get to read it all word for word tomorrow.

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