Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to report DS' friend to the school (without his permission)

361 replies

jaccyjo · 16/06/2019 15:49

In a bit of a nightmare scenario with DS. He finished his GCSEs on Friday and went to a party with his mates.
Next day he comes home and I could tell he was really panicky and not himself. It turns out when they were out they had looked up some teachers on instagram and DS' friend had messaged some teachers off my son's account ...... !!!! DS has been panicking and saying he's probably going to get banned from his prom and leavers assembly etc.

I have just had an email from his head of year asking me to come in tomorrow for a meeting. I can only imagine it's about this as DS has now effectively left. None of the teachers replied but I imagine they have reported it. DS is willing to take the flack but I feel I should report who it was that sent the messages. I know it's true that it wasn't my son as I've spoken to the lad who did it. However DS is saying he doesn't care about prom anyway and he will just go to afterparty . His friends Mum is not helping as she says she has already spent £200 on her son's suit and if he gets banned from prom it will be a waste of her money!

My DS really doesn't want me to report his friend. He says they were all drunk and he allowed it to happen. What should I do?

OP posts:
Pinkmouse6 · 16/06/2019 18:47

Teachers have to report things like this to be on the safe side. I’m a teacher and one of my colleagues had a similar situation happen except from a pupil with a crush... She immediately reported it and blocked his account. It needs to be done to protect themselves.

Your son will be ok, you just need to go in and be honest. They will understand that teenagers fuck around and do stupid shit, it’s not the end of the world.

Thehop · 16/06/2019 18:52

If there’s anything remotely untoward in those messages it’s malicious communications and carries a prison sentence. He needs to tel the truth.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/06/2019 19:00

That's helpful Thehop I hope it made you feel good to type it because it won't have done OPs anxiety levels any good whatsoever!

LolaSmiles · 16/06/2019 19:03

The fact that they involved senior staff at a weekend and the HOY took it seriously enough to contact you immediately makes me think it must have been a lot more than that. I think you need to be prepared for a shock tomorrow.
I think the OP also needs to be prepared for it being more than is being let on.

When I've had students add me or message me, I've screenshot the messages and sent our SLT for safeguarding a copy of the as evidence. Mostly it's a reminder of 'no you can't add staff on social media, they're entitled to have it but you can't be adding them'. No meeting with parents required, just a reminder on boundaries.

This seems to be more than a friendly hello and I would be prepared that what 16 year old boys consider drunken mild flirting but they can't remember (and have conveniently deleted) is likely something any sensible grown woman would consider highly inappropriate.

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/06/2019 19:05

CuriousaboutSamphire

The OP is being told the possible consequences of her DS's actions are.

The problem is that her DS may not be coming clean about what was said so the possibilities of what could happen are from a simple talk about social media etc. to we will be handing over the information to the police.

If the OP tells her DS this he may just tell her exactly what was in the messages and she may be able to be less anxious.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/06/2019 19:08

Boney I know that. Some posters are managing to do that without scaring the shit out of her... some, a few more than I thought, now that I am looking back, seem to be delighting in scaring the bejesus out of her!

I doubt OP is clueless...

sashh · 16/06/2019 19:08

I'm in the 'prepare for a shock' camp.

The messages can't have just been, 'we love you miss', that wouldn't trigger this level of contact from the school.

Also if there was a group asking teachers to go to the party why are other parents not being called in?

Finally from the school's point of view a group of children were apparently allowed to get drunk and unsupervised contact several teachers. They may see a safeguarding issue that you and the other parents have not.

Poloshot · 16/06/2019 19:09

You can get the deleted messages back by downloading the data and seeing exactly
What was sent by downloading data through your settings. You'll be emailed a zip file

tenlittlecygnets · 16/06/2019 19:09

I wonder if the messages were worse than he’s saying, and that’s why he deleted them?

I’d tell the truth at the meeting tomorrow.

Runmoreorless · 16/06/2019 19:12

I've just re-read. This happened on Friday night and you've already had a message AT THE WEEKEND from school "inviting" you in on Monday?

Either none of this is true or it's way more serious than the boys are letting on.

sashh · 16/06/2019 19:13

Oh and yes you can get deleted messages back

www.fonecope.com/instagram-message-recovery.html

Beautiful3 · 16/06/2019 19:23

You have no idea what the messages said! They may be disgusting/ abusive. Best to nip it in the bud by being honest straight away. Tell the truth and explain what your son told you.

TwistinMyMelon · 16/06/2019 19:30

This could be a criminal matter depending on the content. Of course he shouldn't take the flack - what a silly idea

fargo123 · 16/06/2019 19:36

Your son was an idiot for allowing his phone/account to be used in this way. But hell would freeze over before I covered up for the other boy who actually wrote the messages. I would most definitely name him. If he's got form for trouble making already, then that's his look out. His mother's concerns over prom are completely irrelevant and not your problem.

If this goes to the extreme, and the police are involved, why the hell should your son get a record or whatever for the sake of some boy he's probably hardly ever going to see again once school has finished anyway? Hmm

teenmum1 · 16/06/2019 19:41

Op. You know your son better than anyone so if you trust him about the message contents then it sounds like teenage silliness gone wrong. Everyone seems to be forgetting that these kids have had a very intensive 5 weeks of exams. I wouldn't condone regular drinking at his age but a bit of post exams madness is understandable. Hopefully the consequences are just a stern talking to and a lesson learned. I would encourage him to say he didn't act alone but I m guessing the teachers probably know that anyway. He doesn't have to name names if he doesn't want to. Hope it all turns out ok.

Glitterblue · 16/06/2019 19:43

I would definitely tell the truth, it's the only way to approach this. I think I would be prepared for a shock but I hope it's just a safeguarding kind of meeting about underage drinking. Hope it goes OK.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/06/2019 19:46

OP have you confiscated his phone in the meantime?

cricketballs3 · 16/06/2019 19:50

There is no proof that anyone else other than your DS was involved as it was via his account, therefore if you bring his name into it then you will just sound like a young teen yourself.

I agree with PP that these messages sound far worse than your DS is suggesting given the speed/weekend contact that this has been reported to SLT and you've been invited in the first possible day

Kahlua4me · 16/06/2019 19:50

I also think it’s best to tell the truth, even better if you can get DS to do it. I would think that the messages must be serious if they have contacted you over the weekend asking for a meeting tomorrow, if it was as simple as “aw we miss you” surely they would wait until Monday to tell the head?

My ds is the same age and I would be horrified if this happened to him and he would certainly have consequences.

Is the other mum happy for your DS to take the blame whilst knowing it was her son?

NorthEndGal · 16/06/2019 19:54

I'm on team shocked

supersop60 · 16/06/2019 20:01

Tell the truth and take the consequences. Your DS I mean.
You, OP, only know what he has told you.
In the days before social media, the equivalent would probably be finding a teacher's home number and prank calling, or knocking on the door and running away. No way of knowing who did it.
It's different now.

lunar1 · 16/06/2019 20:02

I'd be telling the truth and encouraging your dad to do the same. There is also the possibility he didn't see everything sent. What if he takes the blame and it turns out to be worse than he thought/remembered.

Wolfiefan · 16/06/2019 20:14

He’s minimising or flat out lying. You’re our favourite teacher is not flirty.

You could come back once you’ve found out what was written. But I bet you don’t.
Imagine a young female teacher on the receiving end of “flirty” AKA sexy messages from students. It’s horrid and unacceptable.

my2bundles · 16/06/2019 20:21

You and your son need to tell the truth and provide evidence if possible. School will write reports for future college applications, work etc. You don't want to risk setting a bad example.

LolaSmiles · 16/06/2019 20:30

Everyone seems to be forgetting that these kids have had a very intensive 5 weeks of exams. I wouldn't condone regular drinking at his age but a bit of post exams madness is understandable.
There is no excuse for sending flirty messages to your teacher. It's totally inappropriate.

Thousands of students take exams every year and manage just fine without gettinf drunk, searching staff on social media and sending flirty messages.

supersop60 Prank calling or a silly game of knock a door run isn't comparable to a bunch of drunk 16 year olds searching online for a female member of staff who they find attractive and sending flirty messages. It's the equivalent of finding out where your teacher socialises on a Friday night, turning up drunk and uninvited, sitting down and telling them how got you think they are and making other suggestive comments. It's creepy and inappropriate.

Swipe left for the next trending thread