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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to report DS' friend to the school (without his permission)

361 replies

jaccyjo · 16/06/2019 15:49

In a bit of a nightmare scenario with DS. He finished his GCSEs on Friday and went to a party with his mates.
Next day he comes home and I could tell he was really panicky and not himself. It turns out when they were out they had looked up some teachers on instagram and DS' friend had messaged some teachers off my son's account ...... !!!! DS has been panicking and saying he's probably going to get banned from his prom and leavers assembly etc.

I have just had an email from his head of year asking me to come in tomorrow for a meeting. I can only imagine it's about this as DS has now effectively left. None of the teachers replied but I imagine they have reported it. DS is willing to take the flack but I feel I should report who it was that sent the messages. I know it's true that it wasn't my son as I've spoken to the lad who did it. However DS is saying he doesn't care about prom anyway and he will just go to afterparty . His friends Mum is not helping as she says she has already spent £200 on her son's suit and if he gets banned from prom it will be a waste of her money!

My DS really doesn't want me to report his friend. He says they were all drunk and he allowed it to happen. What should I do?

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 16/06/2019 20:32

A bit of post exam silliness. Having a beer and a pizza at a sleepover? Fine.
Sending creepy and weird messages to multiple members of staff? Bloody awful.
Do you always seek to justify his behaviour and talk him out of any trouble?

llangennith · 16/06/2019 20:34

YANBU. I'd be telling the school everything and certainly wouldn't let my son take the blame for something another boy did.

Greyhoundsaregreyt · 16/06/2019 20:45

What ”evidence” that he wasn’t behind the messages sent from his phone do you suggest the op’s ds could possibly provide, my2bundles?!

my2bundles · 16/06/2019 20:52

Grey. A confession from the other boy. Depending what was in tne messages this could have a serious negative effect on OPS son's future. It needs sorting out.

Runmoreorless · 16/06/2019 21:02

Am I the only person who thinks it's highly unusual that the school have dealt with this over a weekend?

Greyhoundsaregreyt · 16/06/2019 21:05

No, you’re not Runmore

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/06/2019 21:07

my2bundles
Grey. A confession from the other boy.

You mean hearsay by the OP?

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/06/2019 21:08

Runmoreorless
Am I the only person who thinks it's highly unusual that the school have dealt with this over a weekend?

It would depend entirely on what was written.

Which is why I suspect the OP is getting the more worrying answers.

Runmoreorless · 16/06/2019 21:12

Yes, quite Boney. This can't possibly be about "hi miss do you want to come to our party? "

feelthefearhaveabeer · 16/06/2019 21:30

To be honest any responsible teacher shouldn't be so easy to find on social media. They shouldn't be using their actual names.

It was your DS' phone, so he has to take the rap. As long as he apologises and is remorseful I can't see it would affect his reports. A big life lesson.

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/06/2019 21:36

feelthefearhaveabeer
To be honest any responsible teacher shouldn't be so easy to find on social media. They shouldn't be using their actual names.

This is just a strawman. It really shouldn't matter.

LolaSmiles · 16/06/2019 21:38

To be honest any responsible teacher shouldn't be so easy to find on social media. They shouldn't be using their actual names
It's possible to have social media on private and still be searchable. Many platforms have the facility to send messages to people you don't have added.
But that's fine because teachers shouldn't be able to to catch up with old friends, uni reunions or be available for new people to find etc just in case a drunk teenager feels like sending them flirty messages?

I used to have it set so nobody could add me or search me, but in terms of hobbies and meeting people it was a pain in the arse and I concluded that I am not responsible for other people's potential actions. If my profile is on private, I'm not hindering my ability to contact people just in case some students want to overstep the mark.

Do you tell women they shouldn't go out to clubs in case a man gropes them? Of course not. The onus on inappropriate behaviour is always on the person being inappropriate.

MsRabbitRocks · 16/06/2019 21:40

To be honest any responsible teacher shouldn't be so easy to find on social media. They shouldn't be using their actual names.

Doesn’t actually stop pupils you know. In addition, a teacher doesn’t even have to have a Facebook (or similar) account, to be harassed online by pupils. All it takes is for someone else to take a photo of the teacher, upload it on their account and hey presto.

feelthefearhaveabeer · 16/06/2019 21:43

Many professions need to careful on social media, for example police etc. I know a lot of professions aren't keen on you using your actual name. You change your name slightly. You can still add others or provide your phone number / email for them to search you if you want Brenda from the WI to be able to follow you.

NewYoiker · 16/06/2019 21:47

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/06/2019 21:49

feelthefearhaveabeer

If you were to search for my name on social media you wouldn't find me. However, having done everything that I can to prevent being found, I can still be found by pupils, how? Because I have no control over how other people lockdown their profiles.

Friends, relatives, colleagues, other youth group adults/workers, children, nephews, nieces etc.

LolaSmiles · 16/06/2019 21:51

Having your profile private is careful enough.
Not posting offensive content is entirely reasonable.
Policing how people connect with friends in their private lives is totally unreasonable.

The buck for anyone sending unsolicited flirty messages to anyone lies with the person sending unsolicited flirty messages.
We wouldn't tell a student they should have changed their name and photo on Snapchat if they received an unsolicited dickpic or suggestive message. We wouldn't tell a woman she shouldn't have gone to a club if she wanted to enjoy grope-free evening.

It's a slippery scale when we start to hold the victims of unsolicited sexual and suggestive messages responsible for the actions of the sender.

manicinsomniac · 16/06/2019 21:54

Am I the only person who thinks it's highly unusual that the school have dealt with this over a weekend?

I don't think OP necessarily needs to be more worried because it was dealt with over a weekend. It depends on the school. We do loads of stuff at the weekends because it's just easier than finding time during the week. Senior staff are expected to check emails and respond within 24 hours during termtime. Other staff are expected to respond within 24 working hours but at least 50% will check over the weekend anyway. It avoid the backlog on Monday morning. I've had 23 emails this weekend - 11 of which I have dealt with and the rest either don't need a response or can wait. By no means all of those 11 were serious at all.

I think don't worry until you know you need to.

poopypants · 16/06/2019 21:56

So many sanctimonious people on here.

PCohle · 16/06/2019 21:57

I agree that the fact the school are dealing with this over the weekend would have me very concerned about the content of the messages.

I also think OP's attitude to her son's drinking seems very laid back. Surely part of teaching kids about responsible drinking is teaching them that being drunk isn't an excuse for poor behaviour and that if he can't behave sensibly when drinking then he shouldn't (and therefore won't be allowed to) drink at all.

The victim blaming by some posters is clearly ridiculous.

IndieTara · 16/06/2019 21:59

Good luck tomorrow op

LillithsFamiliar · 16/06/2019 22:05

I think you need to let your DS take the lead on this. It could be that he did send the messages, has panicked and his friend has said 'oh, just tell your mum it was me'.
In reality you don't know what was sent or who was involved. The only certainty is that the messages came from your DS' phone.
And I'm surprised that you're worrying about prom rather than the bigger issues here.

ElectricLions · 16/06/2019 22:06

A PP linked how to recover Instagram messages, this would be my first port of call. Forewarned is forearmed. You really don't know what was said and it is possible your son is unaware of the entirety of the content if he wasn't sending the messages.

At the end of the day there is no proof other children sent the messages, sadly they came from your son's account. But I would still admit his involvement and I would name the others involved too.

At 16 school still considers you responsible for your child, and at 16 they are not able to think through the full extent of their actions. Good luck for tomorrow.

Jossina · 16/06/2019 22:13

I'd report this friend. If he's known the school already it sounds like he needs some help not (another?) get out of jail free card.

Alaria44 · 16/06/2019 22:13

OP, try not to worry (as difficult as that may be)

Agree with PPs to let your son take the lead on this one.

Good luck tomorrow.

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