AIBU to ask what is the most batshit thing you've heard about yourself?

[Totur]

I come from a small town.
Among things I've heard was that I had gone to have an abortion when I had moved to work/travel in Holland.
And the most unbelievable of all was a colleague who I didn't know well telling me quite emphatically that my dd was Italian. It took her seeing a photo of my mixed race dd to acknowledge that my dd's father was not Italian.

There are loads more. E.g. my brother repeated A levels to get into medicine and the rumour was that he had failed his A levels.
Just mad stuff really!

Oh and I had shagged half the country despite remaining a virgin until 20!

That I had a 17yr old bf- when I was 12 . Still no idea how on earth that one happened. I didn't even get my first kiss til I was 16!

DMs was that she was about to elope. Twice. The local paper got involved one time and everything!

I walked out of the pub and back to the tube after a post-hobby drinks session with a male friend earlier this week. Hobby is a bit cliquey and incestuous (lots of who shagged who) so they probably think we were going off for sex. Ironically, we were quietly sleeping together for over a year a few years ago, but none of them ever knew or seemed to notice! We have a "deny" policy.

That I stole an expensive piece of equipment from a boyfriend and sold it, and that's why we split up.
That I've had a number of abortions.
That I have been sectioned.
That I am a reformed alcoholic.
None of these are true and all were started by my mother.

That I stole a laptop from my work and when questioned refused to give it back. The laptop was coming to the end of its lease and I bought it to use at home. Three months later I resigned as did my boss. The new boss ( who I had never met) started telling lots of others across the sector that I was a thief. Eventually I wrote a letter of complaint to her boss and made her retract what she had said.

There was a fairly recent rumour at work that I was having an affair with our (female) accounts manager who is married to one of the board. Odd really considering I’m gay.

A gay colleague of mine recently got called into HR because someone had complained that when he talks to women, he talks to their breasts God knows what he was supposed to have been saying to said breasts, unless it was ‘No thanks’!

When i was a teenager, out with friends, met a group of teenage boys, two of which immediately announced they’d slept with me. I was 15 and never met either of them before but everyone believed them.

Male neighbour told everyone that I was a high class escort, as how else could I afford my lifestyle plus, Loads of single men were always visiting my house. I was renovating it at the time so had a lot of trades men visiting to work on it. Same person told everyone that I was a lesbian and religious. Im neither. I moved thank god.

New neighbour told everyone that I’m a lesbian and have a German girlfriend.

I assume the lesbian accusations stem from the fact that im single.

It's a toss-up between carrying on random bunk-ups with strangers whenever I left the house (XCF2), thus explaining why I did such unacceptable and untrustworthy things as brushing my hair or shopping for food,

and that I had been seen in a Lesbian bar years previously by the incredibly homophobic XCF1's ex girlfriend 25 miles away from where she lived and would never go, on the 'prowl' for teenage girls (I was about 18 at the time the allegation related to - and had never been in any pub, let alone a gay friendly one, at that point).

Whole rural neighbourhood (minus one friend who told me in stitches) was convinced I was an alcoholic who lived only to convert non-drinkers to my evil ways.

Evidence? I’d asked one elderly neighbour if he’d mind me putting our excess empty wine bottles in his recycling bin after a big party. One off. He’d agreed, no problem. Trouble was the sound it made tipping into the back of the truck on rubbish pickup day (crunching glass) alerted everyone- bloody curtain-twitching busybodies- and they’d made up the rest to suit their bored little lives.

One even asked the council to drop by flyers for ‘addiction support’ groups to my letterbox.

My BIL went round telling family friends that he was helping us pay our mortgage as we were struggling financially! In fact the truth was he owed money to these friends and was telling them this to make out he couldn’t afford to pay them back!

I shut that one down fast and told him if he ever lied about me or my family again I’d end him

My friend had to tell me that her step mother was spreading the rumour that I was sleeping with my friends dad 😕 and that's why she didn't attend her wedding. She then accused him of sleeping with another of my friend's friends.
He is a handy man who did various jobs for both of us, but apparently the only reason any woman would ring his works number is because we want to have sex with him!
She also accused him of sleeping with an employee who left because she couldn't stand the wife's constant batshit accusations.

That I was desperately in love with an ex and his new girlfriend was dreading me visiting my home town because I was obsessed with him. I broke it off and hadn’t given the pathetic loser a second thought in months, but ok!

That I was having an affair with a married man. We had walked home from a night club together merely because we lived up the same road. We had started out as a walking bus of about seven of us and we lived the furthest out. Nothing happened, we just chatted but I got shit for it for months (and they were actually separated at the time so even if we had have done something it would have been above board but as it happened... we didn’t).

That I used to go out with the singer from Go West. I don't know how this started or who started it but I spent years denying it.

After returning to work after a being off with anxiety, panic attacks and stress... That I had been sacked from my teaching post for telling a pupil he should be ashamed of himself and that his behaviour was disgraceful! I’d actually walked out of the school that day after being called a fat cunt and that me and my stripy jumpers (I love a Breton!) could go and fuck our selves! And didn’t return for two months! So many rumours from children in schools!

Well where to start.... my family won the lottery (because I bought a 6 year old Rover and my parents bought a new Astra in the same month many years ago), I split with my first partner because he caught me in bed with a man (the guy was named and I had never met the bloke before but somehow we managed to have sex), that when I was younger my parents paid for everything for me, my car, my holidays etc... why the hell did I go to work then? Erm, more recently I was having an affair with a married man, even though I was with my current partner and we don't even live in the area anymore.

My DP always says how impressed he is that I have had sex with so many men without knowing them or even being in the same room as them.

I have a good friend at work who I've known for over 10 years. We are both union reps and have held the same senior union position over the years, alternating it between us a year about. We often have lunch together in the canteen because we work in different parts of the organisation in our day jobs, so use lunch to talk union stuff. About 3 years ago his wife started working with us, and joined the same team as me. I was taken aside quite earnestly by s colleague, who said "it's ok, we won't mention to Jane that you and Dave spend so much time together, we've got your back". I was really surprised but they thought me and Dave were having an affair! They were quite confused when instead of stopping having lunch together, we continued to and also Jane came along too - I had known her for a while and am friendly with her too! And I was very happily married so definitely not in the market for an affair!

I moved to a small village with my carer, who is also my best friend. Apparently we're lesbians and only have 2 bedrooms "to put people off the track!!!". Please note, neither of us have any feelings against/for homosexuality, we go by people, swim?

I had to go to hospital during a school trip, after a minor accident. Apparently I ‘broke every single bone in my body’ scary stuff!

My mother and sister accused me of being a terrorist supporter (I'm not) and have not only told everyone they know, but reported me to the police for it. Twice. Thankfully the police looked into it the second time and they got a telling off for lying/wasting police time. However I still get blanked by people I know.

My parents were told by the head at DB’s school that I was a drug dealer. I was 16 and had only just had my first taste of alcohol and had never even been near as much as weed. I had left school at 16 and think this was viewed with much disgust by the boys school head, that’s all I can think of. My parents still think to this day that I was quite dodgy as a teen but I really really wasn’t

DH is a drug dealer and we are benefit cheats. This based on DH driving a fancy car whilst wearing scruffy t-shirts (IT industry standard 😃). She told this to a bunch of people including my DH's boss, which is how we found out...

About 10 years ago I had been seeing a new bf for about a year when a friend told me that a mum from school had told her that he was happily married with a small child prior to me 'stealing' him away

He had never been married nor did he have any children. I have no idea what that was about.

I could understand some of the rumours going around when we were children or teens. Vivid imaginations and no idea of consequences. But now? Amongst sensible, responsible grown ups who should know better. I still think I must have dreamt the rumours about me.

Apparently I've been plotting to trick my now DH. First I kept coming up with reasons not to get married, until I was getting too old to breed. (I was actually hassling him to propose).

I apparently did not respond 'appropriately' to the 'kind gesture' of £10,000 secretly offered to me to get pregnant. (Under the circumstances, I'm amazed at how polite I was tbh!)

Then my long spell of recurrent miscarriages was because I'd taken up running, as 'that's how you get rid of babies'.

Then my eventual collapse (which triggered severe disability and my DH becoming my carer) with connective tissue disorders/ME/CFS was me 'making excuses' and 'socially isolating ourselves'.

And when my DH stood his ground and insisted he loved me and would continue the marriage, without children, it was because it wasn't love but 'indoctrination'.

This was all the same person. Guess who?

I come from a small village too (the type of place where you find out things about yourself that even you didn't know! )

When I was heavily pregnant I went to the village shop to be greeted by panic if I was ok or not. Turns out someone had stated I had got stuck on the toilet & needed the fire brigade to help me. The fire brigade actually parked outside my house because the house at the bottom of a very tight lane was on fire!

That I work on the tills in Waitrose. Nothing wrong with that of course but I'm actually a partner in a law firm.

I think I must have a doppelganger. Must pop into waitrose and have a look.

I spent the evening in the local pub with a man that wasn't my Dp playing Pool and drinking (Dp was happily at home with Dc's at the time). Over the next few months I heard how Dp and I had split up and I had been flaunting a new bloke in the village pub.

The bloke I was drinking with was one of my brothers who was visiting. We had a lovely evening despite the aftermath of the rumour mill.

Told to a cousin (and probably others) by my sister, who I have had NC with for over 25 years.
That I went off the rails and got into drugs which is why I left home.

Truth is my step father abused me so badly I was put in care with a court order to keep them away from me that was in place until I was 21. I've had nothing to do with any of them since.

Also anyone that knows me knows that I hate drink and drugs and always have, so it's laughable and quite unbelievable that I would ever be into that kind of thing.