Does a messy home negatively affect a child's upbringing?

[MaryPopppins]

A friend of mine has gone away for the week and as an emergency needed me to feed her cats and let them in and out as her mum is also away and normally does it.

I've only been in her living room and kitchen before. They're both very cluttered, no space on sides anywhere. And lots of collections. But I guess I'm used to it and look past it as kids are normally running round playing and we only tend to pop in for an hour or two here and there.

But today saw the bedrooms and bathroom for the first time. And was really quite shocked and saddened.

(It's a bungalow, you have to pass the kids 2 bedrooms and the bathroom to get into the lounge and kitchen, wasn't snooping. Normally the doors are shut.)

The kids bedrooms were covered. I can't quite figure out how they get into and out of bed. And the bath was piled high with dirty washing and towels. Toilet all brown, even the seat, sink full of bath toys. Every windowsill is full of stuff so they wouldn't be able to open/close curtains etc.

If I'd seen photos online I'd assume it was of mentally unwell people or old people who needed help. (I will admit to being a germ phonic person. Quite obsessed.)

But they're smart, and the kids are smart, quite cheeky boisterous children but they're happy enough and doing fine at school.

Am I blinkered and terribly judgemental and that's a fine way to live? Will it effect the kids negatively?

I'm not concerned for their emotional well being. But I suddenly feel really sad for them seeing where they sleep/are supposed to get clean.

I was lucky to grow up in a very tidy home. My mum is very house proud and maybe I just took it for granted?

I feel like offering help would insult them. They're very capable. Maybe they're overwhelmed?

Too much stuff and quite often not enough space. If you are very wealthy and have a huge house and shed then you are less likely to get overwhelmed.

YOung families only being able to afford small rented flats, that they can‘t store stuff in and that they can‘t save for somewhere more stable. Breeds depression.

Unless you plan on offering help, its not really your business how other people choose to live. I would definately stay out of it.

That's why we don't have people over - judgemental people. Our house is fairly messy - kids toys, piles of paperwork, boxes - all over the place, but it is clean. I regularly clean and hoover the place. Not everyone wants to, can be bothered or has the time to spend lots of time tidying stuff away just for it all to be pulled back out again.

That's why we don't have people over - judgemental people

I have a friend who is child free and lives in a show home that could be straight out of an interiors magazine. She visited me when I had a toddler and newborn and expressed horror at the fact a child's plastic beaker was visible through the glass panel of one of my kitchen cupboards.

I was brought up in a show home wasn't allowed toys out, wasn't allowed to make noise in the garden and my parents had loads of ornaments as many did in the 80s and we were scared to move and breathe.
My parents are still like it and still have a show home all glitzy, diamanté's and white furniture.
My house has wooden floors and I prefer the vintage/retro vibe so old telephone, smeg fridge, old radio etc and my house is a tiny bit cluttered but not dirty.
Think my parents are disappointed that my house is like this but I let my DC use glitter, paint, play doh and get more than 1 toy out.

I am very lucky and have generally very good mental health. My house is cluttered and no doubt a bit dirty under the furniture and in the corners - but perfectly clean and hygienic everywhere else, especially the kitchen and bathroom.

The untidyness of my house is not as a result of mental illness. It is the result of me genuinely not minding a bit of clutter and also being rather lazy . And my husband and children being quite similar.

I can see myself that when everything is tidy and clean that I feel better, lighter, just easier in myself so I'm sure the kids feel the same way.

Funny how no man, ever, seems to have thought this.

My family home was really messy and not that clean as a child. I remember it being a real event when the kitchen floor was mopped . I also remember feeling ashamed when friends came over. I'm not emotionally scarred or anything, it's just a memory.

• I can see myself that when everything is tidy and clean that I feel better, lighter, just easier in myself so I'm sure the kids feel the same way.

Funny how no man, ever, seems to have thought this.*

Actually my DH is like this. He can't settle down to work and noticeably drops in mood if the house isn't at least under control if not spotless. So he cleans up as much as I do. It's good. We have similar standards. Broadly tidy but not show home. We up the ante if guests are coming to stay.

I can see myself that when everything is tidy and clean that I feel better, lighter, just easier in myself so I'm sure the kids feel the same way.

My DH is like this. We both are.

We aren't obsessive the children play all day outside / in the garden, toys all out. But at the end of the day we both like it tidied away to settle for the evening.

I think theres a fine line. A nice balance can be had.

OP your friends house does sound a bit grim to be honest, not just the clutter but the toilets / towels etc. My SIL and Brother are like this. All of us try to help them keep on top of it but the very next week it is completely upside down again. No urge to clean, pets too, and a baby. It's quite distressing to see!

I find it incredibly hard to keep my house clean, partly because of clutter. I'm also really bad at doing it quickly, so I don't start a job due to the fact I know it's going to take me an hour. I just read a book called 'The Trauma Cleaner' which is partially about hoarders whose house have gotten so disgusting with filth -ie body fluids, pet excrement and years of rotting food etc, and it terrified me due to already having lots of piles of stuff. I suffer from chronic pain so only just keep on top of daily litter tray changes, laundry and hygiene cleans of the kitchen. It wouldn't take much at all for me to slip as I only feel that I'm managing the bare minimum. Terrifying! Fascinating book though, was shortlisted for the wellcome book prize.

I had a messy and at times unclean house growing up. I didn't like having friends over because of it. Now as an adult I loke things clean and orderly and hate unannounced visitors who may see any mess/ stuff not put away

One of DD's friends lives like this. Mum is savvy, funny and bright and can look a million dollars (no dad on the scene) but I had to consciously stop myself from acknowledging the mess they live in when I went round. I didn't know where to put myself.

It would make me physically and mentally ill. It's disgusting. But I'm not living there, or living their lives and the friend is happy, DD loves playing there (it's got land with all sorts of animals too) and so I don't judge.

Men don't? I'll tell DP he's not a bloke, then.

Stuff everywhere is just visual noise and distraction.

He can't sleep in a messy room, cook in a cluttered kitchen or keep on top of what food we've got if it's all over the place, either. And if the studio is untidy, he can't record anything.

You know, I've always been baffled by the number of times people say on 'Do you like people to drop round uninvited?' threads that it's their worst nightmare, because they haven't tidied/cleaned. If people are genuinely as obsessed with the cleanliness of their own and other people's houses are they appear to be on this thread, I'm no longer surprised that so few people are happy to have casual visitors.

This houseproud crap was dreamed up to keep women in their place, and people on here are justfying the fact they're drunk that particular Kool Aid by crying 'Will nobody think of the children???'

And I hold to my point that men in general have not been socialised to think that a messy house is something to be ashamed of.

I do think people also need to consider that in small flats it can go from 1 to 4 and back again very quickly. My lounge or the kids room often looks like an F5 tornado has been through it, the worst I ever saw it (after they Went on a bedtime rampage when I thought they were sleeping) it took me 45 minutes to thoroughly get it tidied than the 1 picture as well as hovered and dusted.

KoolAid? Oh, give yourself a good shaking.

No kid wants to grow up being scarred - literally in my case - because they were less important than literal rubbish.

It's a fundamental requirement of parenting to make sure your kids are clean, warm, fed and not endangered by their environment. Even bloody bluetits take fecal sacs out of their sodding nests.

Doesn't matter whether the parent concerned is male or female. You keep the fucking house clean or you are at best neglecting them, more likely choosing a sneaky method of abusing them with gaslighting phrases such as 'I'm too busy', 'the kid messes it all up', 'somebody else should do it', 'I'm far too important/artistic/middleclass to do such menial work as cleaning', or 'it's a tool of patriarchal oppression to expect children to be safe'.

A dirty, cluttered house is an abusive and neglectful one.

My husband is so much cleaner and tidier than me and absolutely does (more than) his share of the housework.
Speaking from my own childhood experience, I am inclined to agree with you @MitziK. I know that my childhood living in squalor (no, not an exaggeration) has shaped me as an adult.

Between starting this thread and finishing it, I have tidied up more thoroughly than I have for a long time! 😮

Dirt is one thing, untidiness another. There is a reason disinfectant was invented. Because bacteria breeds in dirt.
My parental home was always well tidy, I am not tidy at all but am a definite bog cleaner, worktops and floor all spotless. Shower clean as a pin etc. And I am an artist.

Sounds like this woman hasn't got a clue really. The trouble is, she may pass her slovenliness onto her kids. Having a slovenly partner is a nightmare, I know that for a fact. It's no fun cleaning up someone's filth and pong because they won't. It's great to teach children how to organise, look after themselves and look after an environment. They may turn out that way anyway, but it'll be hit or miss.

PS. I suffer from chronic pain too. My partner is a good clean person to live with luckily for me. But i would have literally to be dead to not clean at all.

I follow a page on Facebook called The Organised Mum Method, she has a good following and follows a system whereby she does 30 mins of general cleaning, then focuses on one room of the house each weekday eg strips beds on a Tuesday, then Friday is a focus day for a good clean of one room. It's on an 8 week rotation and she does no housework over the weekend. She swears by it an so do 1000's of people who follow her

I agree that men and women are judged differently on how tidy their home is, however I don't agree that being a tidy person is gendered. I have known many women who lived in filth and many extremely tidy men, it seems to be a personality thing. However, there must be some kind of hygiene baseline if there are kids (or animals) in the house...problem is, as this thread shows, people might disagree what that line is. IMO it is much easier to clean when you have way less stuff though and a lot of people have more stuff that they know what to do with. I used to live with a friend who was very messy, she could never find anything so she wasted a lot of money re-buying stuff she already had because she couldn't find it in the mound of things in her room.

My DPs have a lot of 'stuff' and I swear they don't know what half of it is...every time I go over there I'm itching to clear it all out but I have to control myself as it's not my business.