Does a messy home negatively affect a child's upbringing?

[MaryPopppins]

A friend of mine has gone away for the week and as an emergency needed me to feed her cats and let them in and out as her mum is also away and normally does it.

I've only been in her living room and kitchen before. They're both very cluttered, no space on sides anywhere. And lots of collections. But I guess I'm used to it and look past it as kids are normally running round playing and we only tend to pop in for an hour or two here and there.

But today saw the bedrooms and bathroom for the first time. And was really quite shocked and saddened.

(It's a bungalow, you have to pass the kids 2 bedrooms and the bathroom to get into the lounge and kitchen, wasn't snooping. Normally the doors are shut.)

The kids bedrooms were covered. I can't quite figure out how they get into and out of bed. And the bath was piled high with dirty washing and towels. Toilet all brown, even the seat, sink full of bath toys. Every windowsill is full of stuff so they wouldn't be able to open/close curtains etc.

If I'd seen photos online I'd assume it was of mentally unwell people or old people who needed help. (I will admit to being a germ phonic person. Quite obsessed.)

But they're smart, and the kids are smart, quite cheeky boisterous children but they're happy enough and doing fine at school.

Am I blinkered and terribly judgemental and that's a fine way to live? Will it effect the kids negatively?

I'm not concerned for their emotional well being. But I suddenly feel really sad for them seeing where they sleep/are supposed to get clean.

I was lucky to grow up in a very tidy home. My mum is very house proud and maybe I just took it for granted?

I feel like offering help would insult them. They're very capable. Maybe they're overwhelmed?

God clutter of that level would stress me out so much

In my case it was because my mum didn't like housework and wasn't at all houseproud. And yes, she was lazy about housework. As result my house is a 1 - 2 most of the time. When DD goes away it will be a 1

*gingerginger2 Sun 16-Jun-19 23:26:12
Stop with the name calling!

You’ll probably find that the majority of people you are calling lazy are dyspraxic, have ADHD, are greiving, are depressed etc etc etc.*

Shame on you - how dare you make the generalisation that I was 'probably finding disabled people lacking'

No - I put forward my real life experience of lazy people who don't give a feck their kids are too embarrassed to bring their friends home - too busy? when in the main it's slovenly SAHP in my experience before you blow another gasket

Name calling isn't on, and ideally anyone struggling would be helped in appropriate ways. Squalor can be a symptom of greater challenges, as much as it can be disinterest.

The biggest unkindness possible, however, would be pretending that there's no problem at all in a situation like the OP experienced, and allowing children to live their childhoods in squalid conditions rather than hurt anyones feelings. Kids deserve more than that.

Whatever you end up doing or not doing, I think posting about your friend's house on a public forum is a betrayal of trust.

My house is like this. It happened because of a few things:
Had to nurse mother through cancer
Got pregnant with 3rd child whilst caring for mum
Had to empty mums house into mine
Had to get a full time job to keep everything going
Had to prioritise essentials.
My house sounds exactly like the one you described.
Eventually my downstairs flooded because of a burst pipe. I had 2 days to sort my stuff out. I put some in the bin, some in the charity shop and some in storage.
I wish someone would’ve offered to help me.

tbh, I know a Social worker who's home is so dirty and SO filled with filthy kitchen/bathroom leftover piles of takeaway in sinks from at least a week or more prior visiting and bathroom/living room/dogs are treated with more consideration/children forced to sit a certain way/speak when allowed, but similar never cleaned scenario, I actually believe this sort of "employed to judge" is the LAST who should judge, the one I know I wouldnt feed next door's cat from her kitchen...let alone a child!
On that basis, I WOULDNT JUDGE ANYONE ELSES KITCHEN/BATHROOM MESS, if they can live like pigs, WHO ARE THEY- or we! TO JUDGE/CONDEMN what they decide the outcome of a happy and content happy families home is based on that?
I also closely know/relate to foster carers who while accepting children form parents whose homes maybe so poorly categorised, have worse standards for those children to live in, smoking/animal mess/laundry/litter etc, yet everything is assessed as ok by Social Workers? Beyond my idea of hypocrisy- who you know maybe, not what you do? Shamefully.

Have not RTWT, but

I think it may be worth a call to the nspcc to discuss your concerns. They will be able to guide you as to what to do

You are joking, right?

I wasn’t suggesting doing nothing jezebel. I was just pointing out that name calling, unkindness and judging others by our own standards and abilities are not a good position to take.

Moony, I re read your post and stand by what I said. I found your tone judgemental and unkind.

It’s good that you are able to
Keep your home tidy. But don’t assume that others who find it more difficult are simply lazy and will fully neglectful. It won’t always be the case.

Sounds more than cluttered. Bath full of washing, good grief, they must have loads of stuff to be able to fill that. Kids probably don't know any better but they will eventually and could be affected. I lived in a poor home, not dirty, but it did affect me as I grew older not wanting to have friends round or to speak of home background. Those kids may well be resilient enough to cope but many wouldn't.

oh boy the 1 makes me anxious - I'd want it even less cluttered. Those boxes on the fridge do not GO there, put them AWAY! I guess I am a 0.

As for what can be done to help folk who find themselves in this position, i‘d Probably decide depending on how close I was to the person. If they were a close friend/relative i‘d Look at viewing the state of the house as a symptom of other another issue/issues and try and offer love, friendship, conversation unordered to find out what is happening. I‘d encourage and support the friend to treat underlying cause , whatever that may be. I‘d continue to love and respect them. I‘d offer practical help too if they wanted it.

If it was an acquaintance then i‘m Not sure what i‘d Do. Possibly depending on how full my own life and responsibilities were, i‘d Befriend them . But it would be very difficult. I‘d maybe try and ascertain what friendship/family support they had and hope that their nearest and dearest were trying their best to help.

Oh and I also don‘t support the name calling or unkindness towards folk at the extremely tidy end of the scale. I think calling people obsessive, dull, anal or insinuating that they don‘t play with their kids/have s full life is really insulting. They are just the product of their neurology, life experiences and mental/physical health too.

My sons grandparents house is like a 5-6 as I said before. Wealthy, one stay at home parent. Absolutely no reason for it. They're just pigs.

More name calling.

There will be a reason for it. Just because you don‘t know the reason doesn‘t mean it‘s not there.

Wealth doesn‘t make you immune to ADHD or Greif or mental illness.

And just for the avoidance of doubt, I am not suggesting that there should never be any action , and that those around someone who lives in a home above a 4 shouldn‘t be helped and protected.

I‘m just saying I think name calling and unkindness is an unhelpful response.

UnRavellingFast for goodness sake it could be anyone anywhere in the country

Mumoftwoyoungkids
Because I did grow up in the 4/5/6 photo I have no frame of reference. I don’t know what’s right and not, I thought I was doing ok. But suddenly I’m on a scale on this and people are going “oh no not a 1”

Yes it must as social services place a lot of emphasis on a clean, tidy home.

As a previous social worker, the emphasis is on a clean home, and not so much a cluttered home.

If the emphasis was if a cluttered home over 75% of my case loads would be this.

I have seen children live in abhorrent conditions, (to my standard anyway) and they were not at risk.

I am still involved in social work however in a completely different role, when I attend CORE meetings, the clutter of a household is pretty much not asked about, cleanliness is however and if the household is safe from risks.

I know that I am hugely shaped as an adult by the mess and dirt that I was brought up in. I could never have invited friends round and, as a result, I was aware of missing out on birthday parties etc,. I remember thinking from an early age that my definition of success would be having a house that my dc could bring friends home to at a moment's notice and happily I have achieved this. I get enormous pleasure watching my dc and their friends enjoying the clean, but not obsessively tidy, comfortable home we have made for them. That said, I, and my 2 ds, are high(?) achievers, with well paid jobs and good relationships in our lives. Best advice from me would be @SaveKevin "please just pretend you've never seen it." If they gave you the keys, it may well be that they are entirely at ease with their house and you should probably just accept that.

Not liking cereal boxes on the top of the fridge isn't to do with tidiness. That first picture is very clean and tidy, putting cereal boxes away is to do with personal preference not cleanliness standards.

I think I would see anything with stuff on the floor as messy/untidy. It also makes me twitch as it's a trip hazard.

Well given how long I've known them for, I think I know more about their 'reasons' than you ginger.

Some people are just lazy or can't be arsed, I don't like blaming every issue on MH issues,it's not always the case.