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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid posted a photo of my dress on Facebook

829 replies

Titsntats · 15/06/2019 07:21

I know I probably am but just wanted to hear others opinions on whether they would be sad about it or if I just need to get a grip!

Getting married soon and after trying on a lot of different dresses I finally found the one, something I never thought I would due to being very body conscious and anxious. Went back for final fitting at the weekend and took one of my bridesmaids as she wanted to see

After finishing the appointment and getting home I saw that she had posted a photo of me in the dress on Facebook (during the appointment so it had already been on an hour or two when I saw it) and tagged my partner in it saying she bets he couldn’t wait to marry me and how lovely my dress is. When I asked her to remove it her response was ‘it doesn’t matter if he’s seen it he’s a man so he will have forgotten what it looks like in 5 minutes time’. My dad had also seen it as well and it was going to be a surprise for him on the day too

I just don’t know what to do or how to feel! I am so gutted that it now won’t be a surprise to my partner or my dad. She knew how much that meant to me and the only thing I had asked for was that details of how I will look on the day were kept a surprise from my dad and partner. As I paid in instalments the dress is now fully paid for and I don’t have time to get another one and do all the alterations etc. Someone tell me I will stop feeling like this soon!

OP posts:
BumandChips · 15/06/2019 09:25

It’s a really nasty thing to do. Her excuses are bullshit.

CestCeleste · 15/06/2019 09:25

PS dresses do look v different on so don’t let it spoil things for you.

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 15/06/2019 09:26

Sack her. She'll probably do something to ruin your day. She's a cow.

BlueEyedBengal · 15/06/2019 09:26

She is totally jealous of you and knows the rules about the dress not been seen until the day. She's showing herself up as not reliable as a bridesmaid looking after your best interests so I would sack her as she his is so major a spanner that she will not be trusted to not do something else to spoil the build up to you wedding that should be about your joy

RandomMess · 15/06/2019 09:29

I don't think she's a friend at all, it says you told her you wanted how you looked to be a surprise and she posted and tagged the photo...

ItsAHardKn0ckLife1 · 15/06/2019 09:30

I am Shock that someone could be so stupid/spiteful. Awful behaviour.

LaMarschallin · 15/06/2019 09:32

CremantDeLoireSocialist

I'm feeling a bit sorry for the bridesmaid. The replies on here are so angry and judgemental. Could she just be clueless?

GraceSlicksRabbit · 15/06/2019 09:33

Wasn’t thinking and had forgotten it was private? That’s insane, this is literally one of the cornerstones of wedding etiquette. Is she very young? This sounds almost like an instance of someone who automatically puts every minute aspect of their lives on social media, like some sort of insta-bot, and who needs a kick to remind her that life and social media are not separate and posts have real life consequences.

Someone of my Mum’s generation (and it has rubbed off on me a bit too) would not only think this was highly inappropriate, but that it was stone cold bad luck for the groom to have seen the dress.

I lived in Hong Kong when I was engaged and shopping for my wedding dress. In Chinese tradition there is no bad luck around this and there were lots of women in the dress shops who had brought there fiancés along with them to help choose their dresses! It made me feel really really uneasy, and actually brought home to me how the Chinese must feel about me not instinctively understanding their various good/bad luck traditions.

Overmydeadbody456 · 15/06/2019 09:35

You are not overreacting or being precious at all, I would be furious and very upset. Flowers

CanBlondesWearMustard · 15/06/2019 09:35

She's horrible. Is she jealous? It's such a passive aggressive thing to do, to make out like shes showing you off only because of how beautiful you are (I'm sure you did look lovely) but really she's trying to ruin something that she knows is important to you. Awful.

If I had seen this on Facebook my first thought would be how awful the bridesmaid is!

I've seen brides out statuses on Facebook asking day guests not to post pictures of the dress until the evening guests arrive so as not to ruin the dress surprise (a bit Hmm) but before the wedding to the groom is ridiculous.

Firsttimemama2017 · 15/06/2019 09:36

How could anyone be so stupid? What an idiot. Like others have said though you will look completely different with your hair and make up done so your h2b and dad will still be surprised xx

Thurmanmurman · 15/06/2019 09:36

YANBU. Rest assured though that everybody who has seen the post will think she’s a complete twat. In terms of what to do I think it depends whether you decide this was a massive error of judgement or a vindictive move on her part. If it’s the former and she is usually a good friend then I’d forgive her. If not and she has form for this kind of thing then ditch her, she’s no friend.

whatliketoeat · 15/06/2019 09:37

She knew it was private. She did it on purpose, she was jealous and wanted to take the shine off it for you. I'd tell her not to bother coming to my wedding.

Ineedhelptocope · 15/06/2019 09:39

Another one saying how utterly appalling. I just dont think I could have her as part of my wedding day after that

FuckingHadEnough · 15/06/2019 09:43

I'd be gutted about this, OP. She must've known what she was doing. No one is that stupid or unaware. She is jealous of you. You must look bloody gorgeous in that dress. Get rid of her from your wedding before she does something else to spoil it for you.

ScreamingValenta · 15/06/2019 09:44

Most of the responses on this thread are totally disproportionate. You'd think the bridesmaid had slept with the groom or murdered the bride's father.

Yes, it's annoying, but it doesn't matter. You have a nice dress - what difference does it make whether people are 'surprised' by it or not? Unless you turn up in a lime-green wetsuit or something, no one is ever going to be very 'surprised' by a wedding dress.

Forget this trivial nonsense and focus on looking forward to your marriage to the man you love.

londonrach · 15/06/2019 09:44

Wow, that vvv nasty behaviour on her behalf. How does this. Shes no friend so dont have her a bridemaid as dread to think what else she do. Yanbu. X

CoraPirbright · 15/06/2019 09:45

whatliketoeat has it spot on:
She knew it was private. She did it on purpose, she was jealous and wanted to take the shine off it for you. I'd tell her not to bother coming to my wedding.

In view of that recent conversation of yours, there is no doubt in my mind that this was a selfish and deliberate act of sabotage on her part. I really would tell her that she is not welcome to any part of the wedding. Do you have other bridesmaids? Or someone who can take over from this horrible woman? The day should be one of hope, love and laughter and not with a seething undercurrent of resentment!

Starlive23 · 15/06/2019 09:45

As pp have said it won't matter in the long run and on the day I promise it will be the furthest thing from your mind. That said, I'd be really annoyed too, its clearly a bad call from her and very thoughtless.

Oliversmumsarmy · 15/06/2019 09:45

PS dresses do look v different on so don’t let it spoil things for you

I think the photo was of op wearing it.

I would definitely sack her off as bridesmaid and would be asking for money to replace the dress.

Wedding dresses are a secret until the bride walks down the aisle.

Even I know that and i am not married and I come from a family where only one person actually had a wedding that involved a wedding dress

Merryoldgoat · 15/06/2019 09:46

Firstly, she hasn’t ruined your surprise - with the accessories, makeup and venue it will look totally different - you’ll look fantastic.

Secondly, she is undoubtedly jealous and her act was a deliberate one. I’m so laid back about weddings but this is really nasty in my opinion. I’d remove her from my bridal party and guest list and get her out of my life - she’s poisonous.

I was MOH for my best friend just after my relationship imploded. All I wanted was for my friend’s wedding to be lovely and I had a great time. She’s selfish.

Original poster
Titsntats · 15/06/2019 09:48

I didn't know the photo was being taken, in the pic I'm standing on the platform-y bit in front of the mirror, my head is turned as I'm looking at something else but the pic is a full on front view so completely shows the shape/style/material etc

Unfortunately my dad had seen it too, he is quite social media savvy haha so he uses Facebook and had seen it pop up

She's late twenties (same as me) so should know better especially as she had been asked specifically to keep things private! But she has mentioned a few times how a big wedding wouldn't be her thing, she wants it quiet and simple and doesn't care who knows about details etc. The more I think about it the more it does seem spiteful and done on purpose Sad

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 15/06/2019 09:49

If I give the largest possible benefit of the doubt, I’d consider maybe she was excited and didn’t think it through. But if that were the case, as soon as it was pointed out to her that your partner and dad had seen it and ruined the surprise, she should have been absolutely mortified. So I think her attitude is a disgrace even if it wasn’t intentional.

My brother posted about my twins being born early on Facebook, before I did. In fact, they were taken straight to NICU and I hadn’t even seen them by the time he posted it. I really wasn’t ready to deal with messages congratulating us as I didn’t even know if they were alive / well. I was really angry at the time.

Original poster
Titsntats · 15/06/2019 09:50

Thank you everyone for all your kind comments, think I will try and see if I can accessorise it with other things than the ones I've chosen and see if that helps me feel better about it not being a surprise anymore. I can't afford to and don't really want to change the dress as it's so perfect so going to try and get past it, but she won't be coming to the wedding. I have also taken a step back from the friendship and haven't spoken to her since this happened. Don't know if I even want her back in my life again

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 15/06/2019 09:50

Seriously - SACK HER!!

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