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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid posted a photo of my dress on Facebook

829 replies

Titsntats · 15/06/2019 07:21

I know I probably am but just wanted to hear others opinions on whether they would be sad about it or if I just need to get a grip!

Getting married soon and after trying on a lot of different dresses I finally found the one, something I never thought I would due to being very body conscious and anxious. Went back for final fitting at the weekend and took one of my bridesmaids as she wanted to see

After finishing the appointment and getting home I saw that she had posted a photo of me in the dress on Facebook (during the appointment so it had already been on an hour or two when I saw it) and tagged my partner in it saying she bets he couldn’t wait to marry me and how lovely my dress is. When I asked her to remove it her response was ‘it doesn’t matter if he’s seen it he’s a man so he will have forgotten what it looks like in 5 minutes time’. My dad had also seen it as well and it was going to be a surprise for him on the day too

I just don’t know what to do or how to feel! I am so gutted that it now won’t be a surprise to my partner or my dad. She knew how much that meant to me and the only thing I had asked for was that details of how I will look on the day were kept a surprise from my dad and partner. As I paid in instalments the dress is now fully paid for and I don’t have time to get another one and do all the alterations etc. Someone tell me I will stop feeling like this soon!

OP posts:
Nomorepies · 15/06/2019 09:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

CoraPirbright · 15/06/2019 09:51

Sorry - X-post!!

Have you told her she is fired?

viques · 15/06/2019 09:51

I usually find the bridezilla posts mildly amusing and hysterical, but in your case I think your bridesmaid has been extremely mean and spiteful. A dress reveal at the wedding is a hugely important part of the event for many brides (admittedly not all, but for many).

What is nastier is her airy comments afterwards.

If she had been truly sorry she would have grovelled, but it appears to me that by linking your fiancé into the post she has deliberately set out to scupper part of your wedding, I don't know why, but if she thinks so little of you I would be telling her to forget about being a bridesmaid or even a guest.

LaMarschallin · 15/06/2019 09:51

And to those of you saying it's fake, I'm a journalist etc etc thank you for invalidating my feelings. Just because something hasn't happened to you/you've never heard of it doesn't mean that it's instantly a fake story! People are real and do have feelings you know....

I owe you my apologies, OP. It did cross my mind this could be fake.
Just because it's such a weird thing for her to do - as evidenced by the response here - and is guaranteed to get a lot of responses.

Then I thought: life's too short to treat everyone (not just online) as if they're lying.
So, "Benefit-of-theDoubt is my middle name.* Which is why I replied in good faith.

Then I read:
Also to those saying she is jealous, has reminded me of a conversation with her a few months prior which I had thought nothing more of until now. She has been having relationship issues and said that the build up to the wedding and her being involved has made her feel sad that her relationship is so far away from the stage that mine is at so maybe something along the lines of jealousy is true

Since you were upset about people doubting you.... this could (I'm sure it's not) come across as a drip feed.
My worry is if you're sweet enough to even question if you're BU about this (in your OP) you could be sweet enough to look for excuses for your BM.
And I don't know what they could be!

*God, I wish they'd had MN in the olden days so my parents could have started a "What do you think about this middle name thread?".

FlippFlop · 15/06/2019 09:52

:(

I'd be absolutely heartbroken. Maybe she didn't think though, and doesn't know traditions etc? Im so sorry...
Can you change the dress?

BowiesJumper · 15/06/2019 09:52

Wow that’s awful. I’d definitely be sacking her as a bridesmaid. But don’t let it ruin your day, you’ll still look a bit different and you’ll enjoy the day.

ScreamingValenta · 15/06/2019 09:53

Wedding dresses are a secret until the bride walks down the aisle.

But there's no real reason for this - it's just a pointless social convention. The OP shouldn't let her day be tainted by a pointless social convention.

People at a wedding, including the groom and bride's family, expect to see the bride looking stunning in a dress that suits her - and that's exactly what they see. No one cares or notices whether it's got lace detail at the shoulders or seed-pearls round the neck or whether it's white or cream or crimson or whatever.

MrsSiriusBlack1 · 15/06/2019 09:54

What a fucking bitch! Get rid, that’s no friend.

CoraPirbright · 15/06/2019 09:55

I think with all the make-up, hair etc you will look so lovely that hopefully you wont feel quite so bad. What are you thinking about the changes? Adding/removing veil? Does the dress work if you added a fitted shrug? Return her bridesmaid dress and get a knock-out necklace with the refunded money?!

I am so sorry.

Original poster
Titsntats · 15/06/2019 09:55

@LaMarschallin totally get why people would think it might be fake as I'm sure from the outside it does seem impossible, I wish it was Sad

And I really didn't intend to drip feed, it was just one of those conversations that happened and then I thought no more of it as I had no reason to up until now. All the little things are starting to add up

OP posts:
BrilliantYou · 15/06/2019 09:56

Wtf!!! Sounds like a lovely friend!!

SavageBeauty73 · 15/06/2019 10:00

Wtf?! That's so bitchy

BarbedBloom · 15/06/2019 10:01

I think you have done the right thing. I am a very chilled person who likes to believe the best in others but this was totally deliberate' especially after the jealousy update. She tagged your partner in it so she knew what she was doing. My friendship with her would also be over as who tries to upset and hurt their friend like that?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/06/2019 10:02

If this is her only error, I wouldn't be throwing away a ten year old friendship away over it.

It's just a dress. Surely the most important thing about a wedding is the actual vows and commitment being made. Everything else is just set dressing and a party. Too much focus goes on the perfect day.

ScreamingValenta · 15/06/2019 10:03

I'd be absolutely heartbroken

Heartbroken? By someone putting a photo on Facebook? However do you cope when something really goes wrong in your life?

NeverPutAWetFootInABirkenstock · 15/06/2019 10:03

This is why I hate social media, in the hands of the spiteful it’s a very effective weapon, and in the hands of the thick and self-obsessed it’s tedious and intrusive.

JingsMahBucket · 15/06/2019 10:03

I’m not usually one to jump on the mumsnet bandwagon of dumping friends or family, but this is bad. It seems deliberate. Whether she was subconsciously blinded by jealousy or was blinded for a hunger for likes, she did this with purpose. Glad to see you’re going to disinvite her from the wedding. I would also stop being friends with her.

I didn’t mind who saw my dress beforehand and showed several people the process of it being made by the seamstress, etc. My husband was in the room when my seamstress came to the apartment to do the final fitting and deliver the dress. I didn’t mind him seeing it because I wanted his opinion about the fit.

Your situation still shocks me!

RantyAnty · 15/06/2019 10:04

I'm glad you sacked her as bridesmaid and friend. There is no way this was an accident especially after you had already told her you wanted the details kept private.

Be glad to have this mean backstabbing "friend" out of your life.

LoeweHammock · 15/06/2019 10:04

/Wow, anybody who has seen the photo will just be thinking ''how inappropriate that bridesmaid posted it''.

If this would spoil the day and make it awkward, I'd ask her not to come because you don't want to feel angry on your wedding day.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 15/06/2019 10:05

No way should she be going to your wedding at all. Mind boggles what she could do to spoil it....

beanaseireann · 15/06/2019 10:06

OP
Sorry if you are annoyed that I thought you might be a "planted story poster", but sadly bad journalists do use this technique on Mumsnet to make get a story. The fact you hadn't come back to reply after about 174 posts made it appear that you had gone.
I'd dump her as a bridesmaid and friend.
If someone shows you who try are, believe them!!!
And she has shown herself to be a horrible selfish, no thought for others, prize bit*h.
She may want to sabotage your wedding day - you don't want that.
Is she a relative ? A long time "friend" ?

cees · 15/06/2019 10:07

More fool you if you don't tell her she won't be BM or invited to the wedding because of her shocking and nasty behaviour.

MachineBee · 15/06/2019 10:07

Although it was a clear view of the dress, I can promise you when you have flowers, shoes, hair, veil and makeup plus you’ll be radiant on the day, the dress will look so much better than in the shop than you can imagine now.

You love the dress and it makes you feel great. Keep it, and wear it with panache.

But I would also make sure that ALL of your wedding party know what she did.

Citygirl2019 · 15/06/2019 10:08

I can definitely understand why you are upset and I'm surprised at your bridesmaids behaviour. It must be difficult to comprehend why anyone would do that!

But please remember on the day with your hair, makeup and accessories it will different. Also you will look radiant and happy.

Enjoy your day x

Orangeballon · 15/06/2019 10:09

Nasty friend, not bridesmaid material.