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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid posted a photo of my dress on Facebook

829 replies

Titsntats · 15/06/2019 07:21

I know I probably am but just wanted to hear others opinions on whether they would be sad about it or if I just need to get a grip!

Getting married soon and after trying on a lot of different dresses I finally found the one, something I never thought I would due to being very body conscious and anxious. Went back for final fitting at the weekend and took one of my bridesmaids as she wanted to see

After finishing the appointment and getting home I saw that she had posted a photo of me in the dress on Facebook (during the appointment so it had already been on an hour or two when I saw it) and tagged my partner in it saying she bets he couldn’t wait to marry me and how lovely my dress is. When I asked her to remove it her response was ‘it doesn’t matter if he’s seen it he’s a man so he will have forgotten what it looks like in 5 minutes time’. My dad had also seen it as well and it was going to be a surprise for him on the day too

I just don’t know what to do or how to feel! I am so gutted that it now won’t be a surprise to my partner or my dad. She knew how much that meant to me and the only thing I had asked for was that details of how I will look on the day were kept a surprise from my dad and partner. As I paid in instalments the dress is now fully paid for and I don’t have time to get another one and do all the alterations etc. Someone tell me I will stop feeling like this soon!

OP posts:
divafever99 · 15/06/2019 13:15

I really feel for you op, shocking behaviour. It reminds me of the time dh's step mother announced on Facebook the birth of our first child, tagging us both in it. Neither of us saw it because back then we didn't have Facebook on our phones. All our friends knew the full details before we had even got chance to tell them! I would definitely bin her off as bridesmaid, I would be worried what else she would spoil if she remained in the wedding party.

LondonJax · 15/06/2019 13:18

Not much to add other than who doesn't know the rule about wedding dresses! Even my 12 year old son said 'I didn't think anyone was supposed to see the dress' when I started reading this out to him and DH.

I know some people show their dresses to family and friends. But that's THEIR prerogative, it's not the job of anyone else to show even one other person the dress.

I doubt your DH or dad will recognise the dress on the day - as someone said with make up etc done it'll look very different. But, in reality, that's not really the point is it? It's the lack of respect and thought that maybe you'd want to keep it secret and that it wasn't her role to leak it. It's like putting something on Facebook when a person tells you they're pregnant or ill. It's not your place to tell the world - it's their news, their decision when and who knows.

Nasty behaviour.

Dutchesss · 15/06/2019 13:21

I'm pretty relaxed about most things but I'd be furious too. It's an age old tradition that the dress is a surprise for the wedding day, it was nasty of her to spoil that.

Outofinspiration · 15/06/2019 13:21

I thought this was going to be about the bridesmaid posting a pic on the day of the wedding and was going to say you're probably being a bit precious.

But posting it, and tagging your partner in it? Why? Why would she do that?

Bin her.

SaintAlice · 15/06/2019 13:24

I'm not the kind to get precious about stuff but I would be LIVID about this. She has massively overstepped the mark and I wouldn't be able to help myself but to reconsider her future as a bridesmaid. That said, you will lose her as a friend if you do that - it's up to you to decide whether the friendship or the dress surprise matters more. It is easy for your judgement to be clouded under the emotional stress of a wedding but this is a grievous offence for a bridesmaid and you are not over-reacting.

LarryGreysonsDoor · 15/06/2019 13:28

I am extremely relaxed about weddings, DH came to choose my dress with me, but I would be furious at this.

Sn0tnose · 15/06/2019 13:28

I'm feeling a bit sorry for the bridesmaid. The replies on here are so angry and judgemental. Could she just be clueless?

The OP has said that she specifically told her friend that she wanted the dress to be a surprise for her DH & DF. Short of putting a massive flashing neon sign outside her friend’s front door saying ‘don’t post photos of the dress on social media’ how much more of a clue should the OP have given her?!

OP, as others have said, you will look completely different on the day, with your hair & your make up done. And it will be that, as well as the lovely emotions of the day, that your father and your new husband will remember. It’s a horrible, spiteful thing for her to have done, but she hasn’t ruined anything, your day will still be wonderful. And better she shows her awful behaviour now before having the opportunity to really cause upset and havoc on the day itself.

LucyAutumn · 15/06/2019 13:29

What a vile thing to do. I'm so sorry OP but we'll done for explaining your feelings to her and cutting her out.

For what it's worth, I had lots of dress fittings for my wedding and my mum took pictures every time, nothing compares though to how you look on the day, you'll look and feel so different to any of those fittings so please don't worry too much about making any kind of changes

Illberidingshotgun · 15/06/2019 13:34

Oh goodness, most of these types of posts are the bride getting a bit stressed, anxious, and therefore over-reacting, but definitely not in this case. Everyone knows that the dress is kept secret until the day. Especially someone in their late twenties.

I agree that this has been done deliberately. If it hadn't, she would be absolutely falling over herself to make amends.

Even if you have not had any further contact with her, I think you need to either text or email to explicitly state that due to her behaviour she is no longer your bridesmaid and is no longer welcome at your wedding. Otherwise you may risk her assume that she is still involved, despite the lack of contact.

However upset she is over her current life, that is no excuse at all for trying to sabotage your day. If that is something that is seriously going to make her feel better, then she is a deeply troubled person who should be avoided. Wear your lovely dress OP, and enjoy your day. Your DH will think you look absolutely amazing even if he has caught a glimpse of it before.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/06/2019 13:36

@Titsntats - if you take the dress to a good dressmaker they might be able to alter it so that it is different enough, but still has the things that make you love it - if that makes any sense at all.

And I’d be putting her in flouncy puce taffeta!

happybunny007 · 15/06/2019 13:37

Wow! That is a shocking thing to do!!!

feelingsinister · 15/06/2019 13:39

Bloody hell, what an awful thing to do. There's no way that was an accident. I'm glad she won't be in or at your wedding, she's not a friend and she doesn't deserve to be part of your day.

I can imagine how disappointing it must feel that your dad and partner have seen your dress but please don't let it spoil things for you.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 15/06/2019 13:42

It will still be a surprise on the day OP.
There will be plenty of guests who didn't see the FB post, and even those who did will be surprised that a) you didn't change the dress and b) how it looks ten times better than the photo they saw.

Thismummyruns · 15/06/2019 13:42

I would be livid

Genderwitched · 15/06/2019 13:44

Well done for handling it well OP. She is old news now.

Now you give yourself a shake, and forget about it. Have a lovely wedding in your beautiful dress. As people have said, the sight of you looking radiant and happy, with lovely accessories, will bear very little resemblance to you in a dress shop. This certainly can be got over Flowers

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 15/06/2019 13:46

She knew exactly what she was doing, she is not your friend. What a cow.

SorryDidISayThatOutLoud · 15/06/2019 13:52

I haven't felt this angry over a thread in years! I was raging when I read this but so glad you have binned her.

It's obvious she was doing this out of spite. Tell us all how she reacted when you told her what you thought of her actions!!

After that - don't worry. You will have a beautiful wedding with a beautiful dress. x

Original poster
Titsntats · 15/06/2019 13:55

Damnit I missed @Diamondeyes post and now it's been taken down so I shall never know!

To those of you who think I am being precious and that it's something silly to just get over, maybe I am but this is the one thing I had asked of them. They have chosen their own dresses/shoes/hairstyles etc, I haven't forced them to come to any appointments or choose flowers with me or any of that stuff, I have been so relaxed about it, but this is the one thing that meant something to me and she knew that and still defied what I had asked of her, so I think I am allow to be feeling upset about the deeper meaning of a long term friend doing that to me

OP posts:
Original poster
Titsntats · 15/06/2019 13:55

And no I haven't officially sacked her yet, know I need to but just don't have the energy to deal with her and find the words. Will have to do it soon though Blush

OP posts:
BuddysMama · 15/06/2019 13:57

I bet you're absolutely gutted, I would be too Sad the only thing I will say, is that of your dress is perfect and you love it, then keep it!! On my wedding day I looked completely different from in my fittings, as my hair was done, make up was done had my flowers and everything!! So don't worry too much about the impression your dad and partner got from the picture they've seen!! You'll still knock em dead on the day!! Xxxx

Megs4x3 · 15/06/2019 14:00

What will be a surprise will be how wonderful you look on the day. Nothing will prepare your fiance or your father for that, or spoil it in advance.

I'm glad to hear that your 'friend' won't be coming to the wedding, so there is no risk of her doing anything else to spoil your day, inadvertent or otherwise. It is, in the grand scheme of things, a relatively minor thing, especially now the photo has been taken down, but what really matters is how it feels to you, OP. At the very least, your 'friend' was unkind, thoughtless and her 'so what' reaction made a bad situation worse.

That said, I hope you can put this behind you and have a wonderful day/marriage.

LimeKiwi · 15/06/2019 14:01

I'm a social media over sharer, but my stuff.
Jesus, I would be absolutely FUMING!
It's not her news to share.
I'm not even a Bridezilla, but 1 I was superstitious about groom seeing me in wedding dress beforehand (yeah, yeah, I know) and 2 it utterly was not hers to share.
Seriously I think social media makes some people's brains just fall out of their heads.
They just don't think.

Crunchymum · 15/06/2019 14:06

This is quite literally unbelievable.

lily2403 · 15/06/2019 14:07

I would have knocked her out. This give me that rage how dare she do that to you

raindeerjumps · 15/06/2019 14:14

Op just sack her and revoke her invitation.

She's done it on purpose, she's jealous. If she's done something this bad on the run up to the wedding I can only imagine she might do something much worse on the day.

She's a turd.

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