Mum wants to come on holiday with us :( help!

[Dsdx]

My mum has suddenly decided that she wants to join me, my husband and son on a holiday that we’ve planned with my sister & her husband. We sisters are both pregnant so we decided to have some chill time together. My husband wants a relaxed holiday. Us sisters love our mum but really don’t want her around. She’s made us feel so guilty saying things like she doesn’t want to miss opportunities to be with us and that the three of us will never be in the same city etc etc. She’s never been so loving so not sure why she’s got a bee in her bonnet about this sisters bonding trip. Should I just be honest and say, no this is our trip? If we let her join in, my husband wont be pleased at all :( as it will change the dynamic of the holiday. Advice?

NO.

She's being ultra manipulative and so if it works this time, expect to find this happening a lot more. Sounds like she's suddenly decided she's lonely/left out and has turned her attention to you! Nip it in the bud.

'Mum it's not a holiday, it's a trip for me to spend time with DSis and DH and BIL to see each other, it's a couples weekend. No, we aren't going to turn it into a holiday'

'How dare you say something like that about me and DH's relationship! You have NO idea how our relationship works and if you're going to make comments like that then certainly don't suggest us all spending time together. DH has had a tough time recently and is really looking forward to a quiet weekend where he can have some downtime with BIL. It's not a holiday and it's not something we want anyone else to join.'

Fonxey - ok I'll rephrase - if the dh's mum did the same I would also say yes

@Proseccoinamug If you read my second post at 9.14 you would see my DDs do have a relationship with each other without me.

Because of time and geographical constraints we don't see each other a lot. In fact i have only seen DD1 once since Christmas and DD2 actually muscled in on that trip! We were delighted she could join us.

I am very far from controlling! My DDs have their lives completely separately from me. We meet when we can and it has always been the more the merrier. Maybe that's just how our family works.

Have you decided what to do dsdx?

Jeez-all the hand wringing & sad faces.

She's trying to muscle in where she hasn't been invited.

Tell her no.

Surely normal people who want to invite themselves onto a holiday make the suggestion one time, and then when the response comes back less than enthusiastic, they drop the idea? To keep on insisting, with tears and guilt tripping, marks you out (in my book) as someone I wouldn't want to share a bag of crisps with never mind a holiday.

Does your sister live abroad or have a holiday home abroad? The fact that it involves travelling overseas and not just a trip in a car changes things for me. It's a bigger deal somehow and even if DM stays in a hotel I presume she'll be on the same flight, be round your sister's place a lot etc. It will be totally different.

Explain kindly but firmly that it's all arranged, she can't come and you'll do something else with her sometime. You have every right to the holiday you planned and want. Only you know if this will lead to repercussions. Is DH happy to be the 'bad cop'?

It always amazes me how people only view an OP’s situation through their own experience.

So posters who have had loving mothers when growing up are happy to go away with their mum but they can’t understand that someone who hasn’t had that close mother-daughter relationship with their mum may not want to go on holiday with her. Instead as diddl says, they hand wring and make sad faces when instead they could try sympathising with the OP.

I have a very loving mum and she comes away with my family but that doesn’t mean I can’t recognise that OP’s relationship with her mum is different and she may want to holiday just with her sister. It’s just a complete empathy bypass on the part of some posters.

By all means tell your Mum ‘no’ if that is what you want to do. Just don’t expect her not to be massively hurt and feel excluded, even if she puts on a brave face and pretends otherwise

Tell her no. She's not invited. Tell her to stop the tears and manipulation as you can see right through her. Also tell her that she can sulk all she likes, but the answer is still no. If you can't say the word "no" to her, just say "perhaps another time".

Just don’t expect her not to be massively hurt and feel excluded, even if she puts on a brave face and pretends otherwise

I’m sure OP would prefer the brave face over the tantrums and crying

My husband is totally fine with my mum. Just wanted this holiday to be us as he works long hours and has had an intense year! My sister and husband will be at work on weekdays so we get to hang out as a family and then on the weekends we all hang out.
If my mum comes along, our family days will consist of her too. It’s fine for a couple days but since it’s a 6 hour flight to my sister, a couple of days and a weekend may not be worth it.

@Vulpine that's you and your mother though. Not someone else. Everyone has different parents and experiences and expectations. If you had to say no, would your mum throw a tantrum?

I wouldn't want my mum coming on holiday with me (she hates travelling so not an issue) but I'd invite my mil. Saying that, my mil wouldn't invite herself, she probably wouldn't even ask to join a prearranged holiday because she's got manners.

She might suggest that one day later we all plan a holiday together as a family though.

I would assume though that if you asked to join someone else's holiday and they politely said no for whatever reason, you wouldn't throw a fit?

People here really do have a strange perception of empathy, as @Antigon had already said.

Shakes head

I understand where you are coming from. I love my mum but when she is around the dynamic changes, she is quite domineering and all conversation must go through her. When my husband & I meet up with my sister and her husband it is a different scenario that when she is there. There needs to be a time for everyone and every relationship.

There’s a back story to fill a book so can’t go into everything.
For example, she doesn’t even call on weekends to speak to me or her grandson. She calls when it suits her and that’s absolutely fine. But suddenly she’s feeling left out regarding this trip.
I’m just slightly peeved because it’s kike she’s picking and choosing the times she wants to play mother and other times she’s her independent self.
So it’s very confusing when she seats from independent woman to weak needy mother. I know it’s something I need to get used to but it’s the pushy behaviour I didn’t appreciate. I can swallow it but this holiday was really for our family time.

I'm genuinely amazed at how many people think that adults should take their mother with them on holiday if she insists that she has to be included, and if they don't they are unkind and ungrateful! Good grief. Nip it in the bud OP and say no - this will escalate out of control when she starts on the hysteria about how much she misses her grandchildren. Agree a few nice get togethers with her for the future at times and places that work for all parties.

I’ll wait for my sister to wake (time zone diff) and check if she’s changed her mind overnight. She doesn’t mind but rather it be just us too. She feels pity for my mum like I do.
I’ll soesk to my sis and figure it out. Thanks for all your perspectives and opinions. Keep you posted.

I think you are OK to say no OP, I know your DM maybe a little put out, but it seemed something you and your family were really looking forward to before your DM asked to join. Its your family and your time together.

My DM spends time with her friends and my DF without me and my other two adult sisters, similarly we spend time together without my DM, as well as all together. Stick to your guns.

I also need to point out, that some of the replies to this thread seem to be bashing OP for upsetting her DM....however if the thread centered around her MIL trying to muscle her way onto the family holiday the responses would be very different - her DH is now in the same position and he wants to spend some quality time with his family, and thats OK

I think that fact that your DS lives abroad changes things. Your DM can't just come to the area for a few days to see you both then pop home again as I had first thought.

Also if she stays in a hotel, somebody will have to pick her up and take her back I assume, altering the whole dynamic from day one !

You need to consider your dh and bil too, if they don't want your mum there it's not fair and won't help relations with her to allow her to intrude. It also sets the ground for repeat behaviour.

I think you're being a bit mean tbh. I love seeing my DC altogether, it's what family is.

Could she come for half the trip instead ?

No you don't have to get used to her confusing and controlling behaviour, you set boundaries and you keep to them
You don't have to bend to accommodate her whims, try giving her a dose of her own medicine if she wants to pick and choose and be flaky you can also pick and choose and be flaky, treat her the same way that she treats you

If she only calls when it suits her then you only answer when it suits you...let her reap what she sows

What a hypocrite!

Sorry OP but I'd have no qualms this time about being very matter of fact about the relationship (just like she is to you, when it suits her!) and saying no, doesn't work for us.

'Mum I don't guilt trip you and play lonely and needy when I suddenly want something so please don't pull that on us. I see you leading your life independently and how you want it and I never make demands on that by pulling the family time card. We can arrange a proper family holiday another time for sure, but this is just a couples weekend and none of us want to make it into a big holiday thing.'