I am a cow

[Iamnotagoddess]

DH comes home every weekend and goes away for extended periods.

This means our relationship takes a lot of effort. The last 4 weeks he has come home unwell with a cold he can’t shake, blocked ears and a hacking cough (admitted he has started smoking again which has annoyed me) and really really grumpy and unpleasant with it.

Has arrived home on a Thursday and immediately taken to bed.

He hasn’t been off work or been to the GP which is what I am told to do when unwell.

Tonight he has rocked up with a migraine and phoned me during the journey to tell me he had thrown up, then had a go because I was unsympathetic (I am not the most sympathetic person with illness anyway).

He has come home and gone to bed again.

We are going to a once in a lifetime concert this weekend.

AIBU to feel totally fucked off the 4th or 5th weekend in a row he’s unwell, again and have absolutely no (even pretend) sympathy.

I know I am but ARGH!!!

His immune system sounds in rough shape. Flying does not help with that. Personally I would get proactive about his illness - stock up on multi-vitamins, Vit C, zinc, headache tablets, nasal spray, lemsip type sachets, fluids, orange juice, tea, healthy foods, make soup etc. Perhaps get him to go the GP for a blood test, he may be deficient in something eg vit D.

I know from personal experience that sometimes your body 'holds itself together' when it needs to, and as soon as you can relax you get sick or crash out - perhaps this is happening? Also personally I don't agree with policing someone's smoking, unless it was excessive - we all cope with stress and life differently.

TBH it sounds like there might be deeper issues at play here, on both your parts. Perhaps consider if that might be the case. Good luck OP, I hope things improve!

If he has a migraine then there is no way you can expect him to go to a concert. Go on your own and stop complaining.

You have to let a cold run its course, nothing he could do to improve that. Surely if he is taking so long to recover and suffering from migraines his immune system is taking a battering. If his job necessitates being away and helps provide a life for you all then think you need to be a bit more tolerant of how he is feeling.

I sympathise with you, when my partner is like this I put it down to mental health rather than physical. If my partner won't go to the doctor I can't force him but alse say I don't want him to complain either.

You sound exactly like my long suffering mum. If you hadn't said he had sleep apnea I'd have honestly thought you were my mum posting this! My dad is quite horrible to her, is military and comes home weekends. He does nothing when he's home, either. But that's a whole thread in and of itself! (he's quite high up but it's a desk job, he's close to retiring early now). You're not a cow. I think it's hard for others to understand what it's like, I've lived it and watched my mum live it for years

My DH spent years with 4-week colds around this time of the year (cough, sneeze, intense headache, exhausted because he was not resting at night, etc). GPs kept giving him antibiotics and paracetamol, no help. Finally, two years ago one of them suggested it could be severe hayfever and started him on antihistamines. Worth a try. Have a look at the most extreme symptoms and see if it sounds similar. There's much minimising of symptoms around, same as with migraines, but those who do suffer acutely can really be completely knocked out

Oh dear .... what happened to “In sickness and in health” ?

Dh was like this a few years ago. Constantly sleeping, no energy, drained, moody and didn't do much apart from work and sleep.

Fucker had a heart attack, had 2 stents fitted and is mostly a new man now.

I get you OP. When dh is ill these days it's usually self inflicted. Drank too much, ate crap food etc. So when they make choices that have a direct impact on other people but still make those choices it's pretty easy to be fucked off. I rarely get drunk because I feel shit the next day and that impacts on the dcs.

This might seem a little mean, but does he HAVE to come see you every weekend? Honestly, if he's poorly, why come and share his germs? That would piss me off and I'd have no sympathy.

(Guess why I don't have a live in partner!)

I can’t believe the nasty, selfish comments on this thread. Not just the OP.

What a bunch of selfish birches. Just wow!!

Does he HAVE to go home every weekend? Well yes, he does because there wouldn’t be a lot of point in being married otherwise. It’s bad enough for the poor bugger being away all week.

Your DH thinks you are his mother, not his wife. He is BU. His smoking will certainly be prolonging the cold and the sleep apnoea machine sounds a nightmare. He is expecting physical relations in which his germs will threaten your health when he is not being remotely affectionate. At one point you mention it not being a weekend when his children are present which I imagine means you are being expected to look after another woman's offspring while their father sleeps and treats you with grumpiness.

Your DH is being disrespectful at the every least. To me it sounds like something worse. The fact that he is in a forces environment for much of his time explains a lot as it still exudes a very male and macho ethos where comrades are valued above women.

I think you need to have ‘the talk’ and lay down some ultimata. This situation will wear you down and corrode your happiness. Living with a bully is not fun.

Your just feeling pissed as your tired as well most people would feel this way but might not voice it. We see illness as an inconvenience
You would like to spend quality time with him
Deep down you dont mean it and its light hearted.

Poor guy seems over overworked and run down. Definitely get him to stop smoking and take vitamins.

You though mooooooo!!!!!

You don't sound like a very nice wife op

Seriously though why is this continuous he needs to get this checked up . He should make sure where his living is not damp.

@Iamnotagoddess well, you did answer it yourself when you called yourself a cow 🐄

What a bunch of selfish birches. Just wow!!

All the better for the handmaidens to self-flagellate with, surely?

@Iamnotagoddess weren’t Fleetwood fabulous? ❤️

I feel your pain. My husband does the same only everyday after work. He has had a hard day and was at work till half six expects me to run after his every need. Men just never grow up.

Falling asleep straight after work is odd. Is he eating properly in the week. I used to eat total crap & was always tired & getting every bug going. Check his in the week diet & stock up on migraleve.

@Hadjab yes ❤️

There is no reason to be so grumpy when you are ill, a few weeks of grumpiness all the time and just lazing about? That's rubbish. The odd bit of being fed up is to be expected. Sorry but some blokes work through colds and keep going. If someone is grumpy all the time most people have a breaking point where they get fed up too.

I get you op - he's perfectly capable of nipping into the med centre to see the docs. He should be taking more responsibility for his health. I expect when he's hanging around the mess and socialising in the week he's tickety-boo and dealing with it. Then when he gets home he expects you to pick up the load and ignores the daily grind of being the sole childcarer. You're not a cow - it's tough being a forces wife.

A cold for weeks, excessive sleeping and started smoking again??

Cocaine is what I'd be thinking.