Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am a cow

154 replies

Iamnotagoddess · 13/06/2019 21:28

DH comes home every weekend and goes away for extended periods.

This means our relationship takes a lot of effort. The last 4 weeks he has come home unwell with a cold he can’t shake, blocked ears and a hacking cough (admitted he has started smoking again which has annoyed me) and really really grumpy and unpleasant with it.

Has arrived home on a Thursday and immediately taken to bed.

He hasn’t been off work or been to the GP which is what I am told to do when unwell.

Tonight he has rocked up with a migraine and phoned me during the journey to tell me he had thrown up, then had a go because I was unsympathetic (I am not the most sympathetic person with illness anyway).

He has come home and gone to bed again.

We are going to a once in a lifetime concert this weekend.

AIBU to feel totally fucked off the 4th or 5th weekend in a row he’s unwell, again and have absolutely no (even pretend) sympathy.

I know I am but ARGH!!!

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 14/06/2019 10:19

You don’t need to know that.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 14/06/2019 10:31

I was just having a moan when I was angry.

If he was in the military I wouldn’t be divulging which branch or his job role or rank would I? Hmm

He doesn’t get Migraines, he has never had one before.

Our bed has a mattress for my back - and it's much easier for him to sleep in the spare room rather than me packing an overnight bad isn’t it? And he didn’t anyway Smile

OP posts:
FanjoFizz · 14/06/2019 11:03

@Iamnotagoddess I’m going to Fleetwood Mac too on Sunday 🙌🏻 So excited!

Also I feel your pain. I’m sympathetic with illness if the person is trying to get better (vitamins, maybe visited a doctor or pharmacist for advice, eating healthier for example). Your DH isn’t doing that by the sounds of it and it would annoy the shit out of me tbh.

My DP looked after his DD’s rabbits whilst they were on holiday with their mum, they had to be kept in the house and he moaned for 8 days about being allergic to them despite not taking any antihistamines.
Did he get any sympathy from me? Did he fuck. I think some people like to wallow in self pity when they’re ill.

Also, if he’s taken up smoking again I would hazard a guess his “cold” is actually his sinuses reacting to all the crap he’s inhaling. It would explain the headaches, stuffy nose and ears and the cough.
So again, he would be getting no sympathy from me as it’s highly likely to be self inflicted.
I say this as an ex smoker myself

Smotheroffive · 14/06/2019 11:47

I do feel for you OP.

I also feel for him, IF, he is losing his identity! If he is genuinely so very depressed and not coping (therefore taking up smoking due to stress etc...and not sleeping well yet feeling TATT.)

However, like any smoker/addict/any otyer condition, he has to want to help himself, and it doesnt sound like he ever has.

He does sound like an overgrown baby. Or he has never put his needs as a priority.

I don't think there is much more you can really do, except tell him you've cime to the end, that this life is a fucking misery for you.

Explain what you put in your thread, and how itd making YOU feel like the bad one becausr you're now being so badly affected yourself.

I dont hold with treating men like babies, it infantilises them in every way and erodes your respect for them as the independent adult they should be (relationship toxin).

justanswerthephone · 14/06/2019 12:54

Erm, why would anyone need to pack an overnight bag to sleep in their own spare room? I'm sorry OP but you sound ridiculously over the top.

Smotheroffive · 14/06/2019 12:59

Like anyone having to sleep in a room other than their own they would have to take all their stuff out of their room before going to bed that night...OP mentioned her makeup etc. So you'd have to prepare for the next day by collecting everything if you're not going to be in that room in the morning? Or, just go in and get it and potentially wake him...which seems pointless.

As you have a bad back and need the mattress, he should be on the spare bed, surely?

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 14/06/2019 16:14

I was kind of joking about an overnight bag- but would need to move my hairdryer etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 14/06/2019 17:37

I have come home from work and he’s bought 4 boxes of Wellman pills after I had a rant about taking vitamins this morning Grin

OP posts:
thedancingbear · 14/06/2019 17:45

I’d LTB, the chronically unwell, hard-working wanker.

This place is unbelievable sometimes

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 14/06/2019 22:34

For those attending Grin

I am a cow
I am a cow
OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 15/06/2019 11:54

You need to have a long talk with him about the effect his lack of commitment (to himself and you), and maturity, is having on you

Ball firmly in his court once he is fully aware, and then youre in control to continue livng this way or not

CountryGirl1234 · 15/06/2019 17:36

Well I pissed myself at your frankness and total lack of compassion Grin
Probably all the flying to and from with the germ packed aircon. Where else is he going to go, he’d get ribbed if he stayed there and didn’t come home!
I took your post as light hearted. He must want to go to that concert, I bloody would!!
Wellman is full of sythetic shite. He’d be better off with natural vitamins.. whole other post and boring. I assume he has decent meals provided so should be well balanced. If your brushing shoulders with the great public transport (especially planes) he’s bound to be picking up all the nasties! Tell him to man up, straighten his tiara and crack on!!

Tommo75 · 15/06/2019 17:37

I can understand why you feel fed up. You would be sympathetic if he was nicer about being ill. My husband is the same. Gets nasty and impatient so it's difficult to be kind to him. You've looked forward to seeing him yet every weekend he's going straight to bed ill. I would want him to find a remedy or man-up.

CountryGirl1234 · 15/06/2019 17:38

P.s yes your are a cow. But don’t change Grin

HollowTalk · 15/06/2019 17:43

I don't know why everyone's piling on you, OP. It would infuriate me, too!

MiniCooperLover · 15/06/2019 17:49

What would frustrate me OP is that he's clearly copeing quite well while at work but then 'collapses' into bed as soon as it's time for you and him. You don't sound horrible or horrid or anything else, you just sound frustrated. It's time for a serious chat to make sure he's actually ill and not just avoiding you for some reason. Good luck.

Glittertwins · 15/06/2019 17:56

This used to happen to DH when he was working away although not to do with restarting smoking. Work stress combined with airports, 8hr flights and jet lag, he eventually went to the doctors and was given an inhaler. Since the stupid commuting has stopped, he's has been miles better

dazzledandconfused · 15/06/2019 18:08

Totally understand your irritation.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 15/06/2019 18:10

This doesn't sound like it's working for either of you. Is there any way the situation could change, either by him looking for another job or you moving closer, or whatever else (but including no more smoking in any case)? I don't think it's a LTB matter, but it does sound really hard and something has obviously got to change.
Is he likely to listen to you if you talk calmly to him about how unhappy you are?

Alsohuman · 15/06/2019 18:13

He’s in the forces, another job is hardly feasible.

ComeAndDance · 15/06/2019 18:27

Actually I agree with you OP.

if he is sleeping that much, then he is very tired and should go to see his GP about it. His medical checks will come back fine if he never tells anyone about his symptoms and no one can do the right checks.
But it seems that everything has to be YOU managing to convince him to go and get checked. And YOU coping his grumpiness and the effect it has on you until he decides to do something.

Migraines can be linked with stress but not just that.

The bottom line is that he needs to start taking responsibility for his own health. Im pretty sure Iamnotagoddess would be much more understanding then.

Drum2018 · 15/06/2019 18:40

Not a cow. I'd be pissed off too. Find a friend to bring to the concert instead. The point made about smoking causing all his recent ailments is a good one. TBH I'd be put off him for going back on the fags in the first place ! Enjoy the gig Smile

grumiosmum · 15/06/2019 18:50

My DH is like this. Sleeps a lot in the day, drinks too much, eats unhealthy food & doesn't take much exercise.

Then wonders why he feels 'tired' all the time.

Tulips1234 · 15/06/2019 19:08

As he is in the military are you sure he’s not just going out a lot in the week and shattered when it comes to weekends? I know the social side of things is huge when working away.

IncrediblySadToo · 15/06/2019 19:33

You’re not a cow. You’re just fed up of his weekday wellness and weekend illness. Understandably.

You’re such a lovely amazing incredible woman who deserves so much more.

Take a friend to the concert. You’ll enjoy it way more.

It’s late notice for most people, but I could go with you I guess, I’d hate to think of you going alone.

Please 🤣