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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am a cow

154 replies

Iamnotagoddess · 13/06/2019 21:28

DH comes home every weekend and goes away for extended periods.

This means our relationship takes a lot of effort. The last 4 weeks he has come home unwell with a cold he can’t shake, blocked ears and a hacking cough (admitted he has started smoking again which has annoyed me) and really really grumpy and unpleasant with it.

Has arrived home on a Thursday and immediately taken to bed.

He hasn’t been off work or been to the GP which is what I am told to do when unwell.

Tonight he has rocked up with a migraine and phoned me during the journey to tell me he had thrown up, then had a go because I was unsympathetic (I am not the most sympathetic person with illness anyway).

He has come home and gone to bed again.

We are going to a once in a lifetime concert this weekend.

AIBU to feel totally fucked off the 4th or 5th weekend in a row he’s unwell, again and have absolutely no (even pretend) sympathy.

I know I am but ARGH!!!

OP posts:
Al203 · 14/06/2019 07:45

He is in the forces. Has been in the forces for 27 years. He has sleep apnoea and is very run down.

That doesn’t sound right to me. What is his rank OP? And what is his role?

Isatis · 14/06/2019 07:51

Cherrysherbet, you're in no position to accuse someone else of nastiness. Did you miss the bit where it was OP who went to a lot of trouble to persuade her husband to get help with his anxiety?

golddustwomen · 14/06/2019 07:54

Is it fleetwood Mac op??
I am so jealous, I'll come Grin

AutumnCrow · 14/06/2019 07:58

What stands out for me is that the stupid twat has started smoking again

What doesn't mix with sleep apnoea? Smoking. What doesn't mix with feeling generally run down? Smoking. What doesn't mix with wanting to be around for your family? Smoking.

LakieLady · 14/06/2019 08:06

He’s not run down, he sleeps forever when he is at work.

Sleep alone isn't enough to stop someone from being run down. In fact, excessive sleeping can be a sign that someone's run down or stressed, as can frequent minor illnesses (stress affects the immune system). Stress is also a common trigger for migraines.

Is his job stressful? Does he eat well and get exercise while he's away?

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 14/06/2019 08:31

@golddustwomen Grin

OP posts:
tenlittlecygnets · 14/06/2019 08:40

he was adamant for years he did not have sleep apnea but with careful, kind persuasion from me he eventually went to the GP and was diagnosed.
Was an absolute nightmare with mood swings but careful and kind persuasion from me he was diagnosed with anxiety and put in medication.
Feels like it’s always all about him

YANBU at all op, and I'm quite surprised by all these handmaidens saying that HIS health is YOUR responsibility!

No, it's not. He's a grown man. He can make his own GP appt or look into his own supplements or whatever. And if his behaviour and moods and lack of seeking medical advice are all affecting you, then YANBU at all.

Find someone else to go to the concert with.

Does he have to come home at weekends? Can you suggest he stays on base to relax?

What's your relationship like when he's well? What's he like when you're ill?

ceirrno · 14/06/2019 08:49

So from definitely not being ill to having sleep apnea and anxiety? It sounds like he could be very ill to me!

CherryPavlova · 14/06/2019 08:58

Two, no three, questions.
If he has sleep apnoea does he not have CPAP? How does that work in military? I’m wondering how he’d manage on a Mine Hunter or in the field with his machine? Not really the question but curious as I have a picture of a RM with 38kg rucksack and his CPAP yomping across Norway and being cross as there was no plug in his bivvy.

Why can’t you go with someone else? If he’s feeling too grim then go with a friend.

AutumnCrow · 14/06/2019 09:06

(he has a fucking sleep apnea machine) so will have to wake him up before I go to bed argh it’s so crap and we haven’t had sex in weeks which he moans about

I couldn't live with that. Amazed so many handmaideny types would, whilst patting him on his ickle head.

AutumnCrow · 14/06/2019 09:07

So he basically does have a CPAP machine, but chooses not to use it, and chooses to smoke, and moans about sex.

LizzyELane · 14/06/2019 09:07

I remember feeling nothing but intense annoyance at my husband feeling ill on a day we had a special Saturday night planned. Realised it meant I no longer loved him and that was the end of our marriage.

swingofthings · 14/06/2019 09:09

5hisctjread is depressing. Endless threads about how exhausted posters are and how their horrible partners are showing little understanding and support, how selfish they are and lack compassion. Yet here's a very standard reverse and it's all about how unreasonable that man is to be ill for so long and daring to only want to rest when he is back from work rather than thinking about entertaining OP.

There is so much resentment coming from your post OP, why are you still with him if you think so little of him?

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 14/06/2019 09:11

Not a cow OP, you're just frustrated that he won't go to the doctor. Shame he's started smoking again.
(I agree about flying and germs btw, but don't want to derail thread).
As for missing sex, well, that's what happens when one of you is unwell.

AutumnCrow · 14/06/2019 09:12

here's a very standard reverse

No it isn't

Alsohuman · 14/06/2019 09:23

If he’s been in the forces for 27 years, he’s driving a desk where fitness is no great concern for those of you questioning that. Is he even registered with a GP? He should be getting medical and dental provided. Send him to the MO, OP. Or is that the problem? Maybe he’s worried about medical discharge.

timeisnotaline · 14/06/2019 09:30

I’m with the op. I’d be all ‘you’re well enough to work 5 days a week and do whatever you get up to evenings, but for 5 weeks now you haven’t been well enough to have a weekend with me. See a doctor, or I’ll decide you’re trying to tell me I’m not a priority in your life and you can’t fit me in after everything else anymore.
If you haven’t seen a doctor don’t come home next week.

timeisnotaline · 14/06/2019 09:31

He isn’t well enough to spend time with the op for 5 weeks now and that doensnt matter enough to him to see a doctor. Someone expects to be the centre of his relationship universe for sure.

tenlittlecygnets · 14/06/2019 09:31

Send him to the MO, OP.

Why should OP have to 'send' a grown man anywhere? She said upthread she has tried to persuade him to seek medical help!!

combatbarbie · 14/06/2019 09:32

Ah military..... Gotcha, yes I'm very understanding of your attitude that most of MN won't get.....

He will be fine at work and go to leaving do's and the like during the week though i suspect

Alsohuman · 14/06/2019 09:41

And I’ve suggested why he may not want to go @tenlittlecygnets.

Xmas2020 · 14/06/2019 10:01

Yes OP you are a Cow, god knows why he even comes home to see you at allConfused

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 14/06/2019 10:02

His employer is fully aware of his medical status.

OP posts:
mummyhaschangedhername · 14/06/2019 10:09

My husband bets migraines and when he is stressed it is almost every non working day (they say when he relaxes it is when he gets them). It can be annoying, for both of us, especially when we have things planned. So I do get your frustration but equally I think you are being really unfair and the attitude of he can sleep in the spare room because your make up is in your room doesn't show you in the bets of light.

Can someone else go to the concert with you?

Al203 · 14/06/2019 10:17

OP - what is his rank? What is his role please?