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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To secretly judge my friend for abandoning her hospitalized daughter, and also wanting advice on asking her to come back and support her daughter

167 replies

questionzzz · 13/06/2019 20:47

I am friends with a woman older than me, whom I respect and admire very much, and who has been very good to me professionally over the years (we met at the workplace).

About 4 years ago, her daughter developed an eating disorder. It has been horrific for this family. Currently, the daughter is hospitalized (involuntarily). She is an adult, under 25.

My friend left a few weeks ago to her home country, telling me she is unable to deal with it anymore. She will be away till the end of summer.

yesterday the daughter called me (my friend had told me she had passed on my contact info and told her to call me if she needed anything) and asked me to visit her.

So I did. I was so shocked by what I saw. Just imagine the worst stereotypes of anorexia, that's it.

Anyway, I can't help judging my friend (and her husband!) for leaving their daughter at this time and going overseas, although I rationally understand that I am not in her shoes and I shouldn't judge.

Also I really really want to ask her to come back and support her daughter. Although I understand it is not my place to do so. She is quite an intimidating woman, very successful socially and professionally.

What should I do? Is there a gentle or tactful way of doing this? Should I acknowledge it is not my place and just continue visiting the daughter as and when i am able?

Any advice would be appreciated. I have no experience of dealing with these issues.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/06/2019 20:50

I suppose you could email mum and describe what you saw and share your opinion that daughter is in desperate need of family contact/support. I don’t think she’ll listen. If the daughter has been sectioned that’s about as bad as it gets.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/06/2019 20:53

This is such a horrible set of circumstances. However, it might be possible that your friend being around her daughter causes more harm than good. There may be dimensions to their relationship that you don't know about.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 13/06/2019 20:53

I'd judge too, OP, and YANBU to get in touch and say how worried you are about her daughter, and how much you think she needs her Mum.

GreenTulips · 13/06/2019 20:55

I agree the mother may recognise her own limits - maybe she feels her presents isn’t helping or making it worse. Maybe she can’t beat to watch her child kill herself. Maybe she wants to remember to good times and gain some strength to come back to the battle.

These conditions affects all the familly not just the child

Original poster
questionzzz · 13/06/2019 20:57

I told the mom I'd visited and how long I stayed and that I would visit again. But they are not on bad terms, seemingly. I asked the daughter when I visited if she's in touch with her mom and she said they talk every day "but not for long as she gets upset".

So awful. I can understand the mom getting upset. But I feel like if it was cancer or something like that, maybe the mom (and dad!!!) wouldn't feel the way they do and stick around, I mean I don't know.

OP posts:
ihatethecold · 13/06/2019 21:02

What a kind friend you are being op.
Mental illness affects everyone in the family, not just the sufferer.
Families tend to be forgotten about and left to get on with it.
Maybe the parents have been through this cycle many times and need a break?
Maybe the parents exacerbate the problem?
Who knows?

DonPablo · 13/06/2019 21:07

She is intimidating and forthright? Well then I'd take a ekaf out of her book and just bloody tell her.

Your daughter needs you. Your upset is making things worse. Your absence may damage her recovery and I feel a duty to be honest with you.

Original poster
questionzzz · 13/06/2019 21:07

I'm a mom myself, and to indulge in self-righteous ranting, I feel if we were in that situation, god forbid, wild horses etc etc. I wouldn't say that to her, of course. I don't know.

OP posts:
BananaCatto · 13/06/2019 21:08

Also I really really want to ask her to come back and support her daughter. Although I understand it is not my place to do so.

My immediate thought is that when she gave her daughter your contact details she made it your place to be able to say something.

Original poster
questionzzz · 13/06/2019 21:11

@ihatethecold yes I agree the parents have been through this cycle, but the daughter has never been hospitalized for such a long period (over five weeks now), and as she told me yesterday, her indicators have never been so bad.(I forget the technical terms she was rattling off at me).

She was also complaning a lot about the healthcare providers not telling her what is going on, which is why I think the mom and the dad are necessary to be there as a like a patient advocate? Is this a thing?

OP posts:
Original poster
questionzzz · 13/06/2019 21:12

Sorry I have to step out for errands but i am valuing your comments very much. Thank you.

OP posts:
Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 13/06/2019 21:17

Perhaps they think she will do better if she has to face up to it alone?

MyOpinionIsValid · 13/06/2019 21:17

If the patient has capacity, she wont need a formal advocate, but Advocacy For All may well agree to provide one for her.

Don't judge your friend, she and the family have had a life time of this. Other peoples health problems can break people.

I'm curious that she is allowed outside visitors though. That's certainly not my (professional) experience of a psychiatric unit. If it is an involuntary admission, is she sectioned ?

minisoksmakehardwork · 13/06/2019 21:21

Whilst there is no harm in telling the girls parents that their daughter feels she isn't being given all the information she is asking for about her current situation, please consider that the family might just have reached the end of their rope with helping their daughter at the moment. They might desperately need this complete separation via another country to recoup themselves and come back fresh and ready to battle in for and with their daughter.

For them, this will have been relentless for the last 4 years. Going through various cycles of support, blame, trying to get their daughter to eat, worrying,

For all we know the medical professionals treating their daughter may well have suggested a period of no visiting and being in a different country is the only way these parents can allow themselves to do this.

I would honestly tread carefully. You will get a sense of whether the parents have abandoned their daughter to go off on their jollies or are taking some respite from the worry and stress of their daughter and her condition when you let her know you have seen the young woman.

Otherwise, if you feel you can give the time, I would continue to visit with her occasionally if her treatment allows it. It would be a kindness to both her and her parents.

RosaWaiting · 13/06/2019 21:22

are you sure the daughter wants her parents there?

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/06/2019 21:24

I think that before you judge you need to 'walk a mile in her shoes'

She has been doing this for 4 years, the mental strain must be absolutely immense.

OwlBeThere · 13/06/2019 21:25

with all due respect, you don't have a clue what its like to be the family member of a severely mentally ill person who is killing themselves in front of your eyes and being utterly powerless to stop it. her mum is a person too who needs to protect her own mental health. she's not fit for helping her daughter if she is falling apart and to not do that she needs time for her.
by all means tell her what you saw, but your judgement on your friend comes from having no idea what its like.

picklemepopcorn · 13/06/2019 21:29

Presumably they have supported her to the best of their ability so far. Why do you think their being here this summer will make all the difference?

crocsaretoocoolforschool · 13/06/2019 21:29

You are being massively unreasonable

Anorexia changes people, it makes them selfish, manipulative and controlling -it's incredibly difficult for the sufferer and their family

Parenting a child with a mental health issue is emotionally exhausting

Parenting an adult with a mental health issue even more so

The adult daughter not girl is in a safe place -this May be the only reason your friend feels they can take a break

All carers need respite to protect their own mental health and their other relationships. You cannot look after anyone else if you aren't coping yourself -your friend quite clearly needs a break, the daughter is in a safe place -what's your problem?

Justaboy · 13/06/2019 21:29

I think the mom and the dad are necessary to be there as a like a patient advocate? Is this a thing?

Yes in a way It always helps if you have a friend or close ralative to shall we say support your side as it were. I had this many years ago hospitialised after a bad accident it was good to have my then wife around for support.

Poor girl its an awfull sight seeing people in that state looks just like the poor souls who were in concetration camps in WW2 . I suspect that her own mum can't cope with her daughters illness and has in a sense run away from it.

Leaving you to take her place. Poor girl and poor you too. Do what you can for the poor girl and support her as much as you can please!.

MotherOfDragonite · 13/06/2019 21:30

Honestly, I don't think we can possibly know enough about your friend or her relationship with her daughter to be able to tell why she isn't there. Maybe she is on the verge of breakdown herself after four years of this. Maybe she is the source of unhealthy attitudes about food and body image and feels she needs to keep away.

If you can be there for her daughter in any way that would be incredibly kind and compassionate of you.

ReganSomerset · 13/06/2019 21:33

Agree with PP. Be kind, for everyone is fighting their own battle.

MorondelaFrontera · 13/06/2019 21:34

YABU

you don't know what the family has been through, you don't know how the presence of the parents affect the hospitalised-daughter. You cannot compare this to cancer.

Of course you can tell her that you visited and what the daughter told you. You have no way of knowing if that will help anyone though.

SuePerbly · 13/06/2019 21:36

Amazed at a PP saying they are shocked that a detained patient is allowed visitors. The vast majority of patients on all the wards I have worked on have been allowed visitors. Whether they are detained or not is irrelevant. Its Whether it is in thr patients best interests that is important.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 13/06/2019 21:37

She is not a girl, she is an adult, and we have NO idea of what this family have been through with this illness. The mother may very well have reached the limit of what she can cope with and now needs t protect her own mental health and well-being.

You have no idea of the family dynamics. I think I'm judging you more than your friend tbh, for feeling that you have the slightest clue what is going on and what any of them needs after one visit.