To secretly judge my friend for abandoning her hospitalized daughter, and also wanting advice on asking her to come back and support her daughter

[questionzzz]

I am friends with a woman older than me, whom I respect and admire very much, and who has been very good to me professionally over the years (we met at the workplace).

About 4 years ago, her daughter developed an eating disorder. It has been horrific for this family. Currently, the daughter is hospitalized (involuntarily). She is an adult, under 25.

My friend left a few weeks ago to her home country, telling me she is unable to deal with it anymore. She will be away till the end of summer.

yesterday the daughter called me (my friend had told me she had passed on my contact info and told her to call me if she needed anything) and asked me to visit her.

So I did. I was so shocked by what I saw. Just imagine the worst stereotypes of anorexia, that's it.

Anyway, I can't help judging my friend (and her husband!) for leaving their daughter at this time and going overseas, although I rationally understand that I am not in her shoes and I shouldn't judge.

Also I really really want to ask her to come back and support her daughter. Although I understand it is not my place to do so. She is quite an intimidating woman, very successful socially and professionally.

What should I do? Is there a gentle or tactful way of doing this? Should I acknowledge it is not my place and just continue visiting the daughter as and when i am able?

Any advice would be appreciated. I have no experience of dealing with these issues.

My brother has severe MH problems. Once he managed to run away from a supposedly secure unit (long story) My mum and dad had booked a week abroad for a significant wedding anniversary and he chose to abscond 3 days before. We had no idea where he was. After much thought and encouragement from others including me, they still went away. I still think it was the right thing for them to do as they couldn't help much at home. Your friend knows her daughter is in a safe place. She knows you will visit and that those visits will be less emotionally charged than if she goes. If it becomes too much for you, please tell her so as ultimately it is her daughter not yours. It is easy to think parents, siblings etc are being callous but believe me they cannot always carry on with no respite. Be kind to your friend...and yourself.

so has she said she needs to get away or that she is on holiday?

Without sounding judgemental, i can honestly see why her mum has left, unless you have looked after someone with an Eating Disorder, please do not judge.

I would have thought that they have been advised not to visit, they both need space. She has already told you that she is speaking to her parents everyday? Instead of feeling for them and understanding why they all need a break you are judging them because you have seen How bad the daughter looks! As a parent it must be heartbreaking to watch your child wasting away in front of your eyes, they deserve a break from this, she is in hospital, safe with medical professionals. YABVU

One possibility could be that both mother and daughter are on the autistic spectrum - there are a lot of high achieving aspies, in fact the obsessive nature of aspergers can make career progression easier. Plus there is a link between autism and anorexia. Plus it is highly heritable. If that's the case then both of them struggle with healthy relationships more than they admit or realise. The mother may literally be unable to feel what you think is natural in this situation.

There may be other explanations why your friend may have been doing their best the whole time but it still wasn't enough.

Don't judge.

I had anorexia and a teen/early 20's. I just want to add that it did not originally stem from body image. I was always thin. It was control issues. I was a sexual abuse survivor and my mom was very controlling. I developed my own control issues and this was how it played out.
I had no family support when I was ill or recovered (my mom visited me once in the hospital), however I have friends who did. I have friends who have never recovered. I can't imagine how their parents feel still walking on egg shells with their 30/40 yo daughters around food.
Give your friend a break. It is up to her daughter to recover. Your friend can not make her daughter healthy, and her daughter will need to learn that. In fact if her daughter never learns that, she'll never recover.

I would keep visiting your friend's DD and leave it at that.

When my DH suffered a series of strokes and ended up comatose in ICU, I used to go to work all day and go straight to the hospital after work. I would eventually arrive home about 9 pm each evening.

Plus I would spend every weekend at the hospital.

The hospital social worker had been in constant touch with me and after 2 weeks she told me that I had to give myself permission to look after myself. It wasn't necessary for me to be there every day and people weren't going to judge me .

You're doing the best thing for your friend at the moment. She has gone away to regroup and make herself strong knowing that you will visit her DD. This thought is giving her some comfort.

Safer to go away when she is hospitalised than when she is free in the community to starve herself to death without them being there to intervene. Otherwise the whole family is imprisoned by a tyrannical disease and unable ever to let their guard down. Gone for the whole summer does seem a very long time, though.

I think that before you judge you need to 'walk a mile in her shoes'

Indeed!

With respect OP you don't have a clue about this shock you've had is your friends normal. This sort of shit can take over your life and being in a safe space can give a family the breathing room to breath again. It's almost a relief that the Ill person is being properly looked after and families, especially parents can tend to their own mental health. Sometimes you just have to take a step back and when the adult child is being cared for you can do that.

You can't pour from an empty cup.

its a horrific illness.one that devastates all involved.
one that there isnt enough help for.
one that has too much misunderstanding and stigma attatched.
one that strips your loved one of all they were until they are just left with fear and self hatred.
terrible terruble illness.

but again for those that keep saying she is safe and being cared for....mmmm we really need to know more about these places people seem to put on a caring pedestal.if only you bloody new.

this might be the only chance she will get to go away for a length of time, she knows her daughter is safe while in hospital but won't know this when out in the community.

I do know. I visit one regularly and have done for the past 3 years solid and intermittent 4 years before that thanks

Supporting someone who is unwell enough to be involuntarily hospitalised takes a massive toll on your own mental health. It is absolutely horrific at times. If you haven't been through it personally, it is easy enough to judge. But it really does consume the whole of your life and you can really lose yourself as a person. Sometimes you do need to escape and take some time to yourself, otherwise you risk becoming unwell yourself

Very wrong to judge.
Very kind to support the young woman

I had a family member who had a ED and it nearly drove several of her family to the brink of suicide. The lying, manipulation, stealing money (for food binges) on top of watching their organs fail, hair and teeth fall out and waste away to nothing was utterly soul destroying. This went on for years too. YABU to judge a situation that you don't really know.

This lady has been doing the hard yards with this situation, for 4 years. There are a lot of issues with anorexia, of which you may know very little. Parents go to hell and back with this illness. It's nothing like caring for someone with cancer - it's a mental illness which involves the entire family. The mother may well be totally exhausted by it. I'd take a step back and let this family deal with it in their own way. it's not for you to make judgements or to tell people what to do.

If your friend has been dealing with this for four years than your friend probably needs a break and her daughter being in hospital with professional care would be the best time to do this. Also, you described her as intimidating...who knows - maybe its a good idea for her daughter to also have some space rom her too.

Just to reiterate what almost everyone else has said. Until you are the parent of a mentally ill child (even worse if it's an adult child because you have no power to manage the medical care), please don't even begin to think that you have any idea of how difficult it is. A parent is only of use to a child (or any other family member) if they are mentally rock solid themselves.

“She’s intimidating “ .... sorry op, but bullies certainly are cowards.

I’d tell her to get back here, and don’t be so ridiculous.

Questionzzz you sound lovely and you're obviously trying to do your best. You've taken on board comments here from people who have experienced a family member with anorexia. I'm sorry that some posters are being harsh.

If you don't feel you can visit any more then don't. And don't feel guilty about it. Your friends daughter is being cared for and your friend has chosen to be away, possibly for very good reasons as others here have said.

I have experience of a young adult child with mental health issues (not anorexia). I didn't have the option of leaving for a while but if I had I might well have taken it. The strain is immense.

Agree with everyone here, you shouldn't judge them.

I'm just so shocked by what I saw
And no wonder, but think of it this way OP: you are shocked, horrified and upset after visiting a near stranger for a week. So imagine how your friend feels. She has been seeing her daughter in this condition for years!

You can't judge unless you've been through a child / adolescent mental health issue in your own family you have no idea how awful it is - and sometimes parents do need a break.