To secretly judge my friend for abandoning her hospitalized daughter, and also wanting advice on asking her to come back and support her daughter

[questionzzz]

I am friends with a woman older than me, whom I respect and admire very much, and who has been very good to me professionally over the years (we met at the workplace).

About 4 years ago, her daughter developed an eating disorder. It has been horrific for this family. Currently, the daughter is hospitalized (involuntarily). She is an adult, under 25.

My friend left a few weeks ago to her home country, telling me she is unable to deal with it anymore. She will be away till the end of summer.

yesterday the daughter called me (my friend had told me she had passed on my contact info and told her to call me if she needed anything) and asked me to visit her.

So I did. I was so shocked by what I saw. Just imagine the worst stereotypes of anorexia, that's it.

Anyway, I can't help judging my friend (and her husband!) for leaving their daughter at this time and going overseas, although I rationally understand that I am not in her shoes and I shouldn't judge.

Also I really really want to ask her to come back and support her daughter. Although I understand it is not my place to do so. She is quite an intimidating woman, very successful socially and professionally.

What should I do? Is there a gentle or tactful way of doing this? Should I acknowledge it is not my place and just continue visiting the daughter as and when i am able?

Any advice would be appreciated. I have no experience of dealing with these issues.

Not for you to judge. Unless you've supported a family member with mental illness, you'll never understand how emotionally draining it is. It takes a huge toll mentally as well. The idea that you simply cannot 'fix' the one you love and watching them waste away must be awful:

Maybe your friend just needed to get away? People who support mentally ill relatives need a break too

Cannot believe the judgment on this thread.

The parents are beyond fortunate to have someone looking in on their daughter, someone she has "passed on contact details".

Call them back if you feel this is needed, OP. No need to walk in their shoes.

@EmmaGrundyForPM thank you. I'm gonna visit at least once more with some stuff- magazines and some acne cream she asked for etc. I feel it's the least I could do for my friend.
Also the air in the ward seemed very drying, I wonder if that is part of reason she complained of feeling thirsty all the time.

I know posters have been harsh but it did help put my judgy feelings on hold and try appreciate my friend as a mom. A lot of experiences that I had simply never encountered.

I would call the parents and tell them dd's indicators, and that she is in a really bad way. It is up to them what they do with the information, you can continue to support her if want to/and are able. It would be a very kind thing to do.

Accepted they need to get away for a few days for a break of course, even a week, It is exhausting and heartbreaking looking after a sick child but the WHOLE summer???

It is bloody shocking to leave for so long as she is so ill. She may not even be there by the time they finally get back!

So you are YADNBU!!!!! Not at all, and I would judge and harshly.

Hopefully dd will pull through and start to get better, and if she does, she will never forgive her parents (I speak from close experience)

The mental health of the parents are just as equally or if not more important to that of those who are sick.

Simply because they can’t support the one who is sick if they are battling with their own MH problems.

The daughter is sectioned under the MH act, she’s safe.

she’s safe

Well thats a massive assumption to make, she has advanced anorexia haud

@itsagoodlife well honestly that's how I felt walking out of the ward but reading through the comments has made me pause and reconsider. And I couldn't speak to the indicators the daughter was telling me, I don't know the terminology she was using. Especially where ppl said the medical staff will tell them if the daughter gets really bad- was a helpful reminder to me.

I’m judging and I don’t even know the woman. Is she exhausted from spending the past 10 years trying to help her daughter and her daughter keeps refusing help? Or has she always struggled with her daughter being sick and prefers not to see it? If you don’t know the full story it’s a hard call. Definitely let her know you are visiting her daughter and she is very unwell. Otherwise it’s not your place, you don’t know what’s gone on over the years. And if she’s heartless and annoyed by the inconvenience of her daughters illness- nothing you say can change that

I doubt this is a decision they've taken lightly. They have been supporting their daughter through this do 4 years.
The daughter has hardly been abandoned if her mum phones every day. I expect she talks to the medical staff too.
Mental health issues are very complex and can rip families apart. I imagine this break was very much needed. It may even be a way of trying to help the daughter.

You are being very kind OP and it's of course hard not to judge.

I've supported a family when the child had anorexia and it tore the family apart. It was horrendous. It's hard to put into words the effect of that illness on family members but it was awful, life changing and very very destructive.

By all means, feedback, inform etc but until you've walked in their shoes, don't tell them how things should be.

I'd also advise you to not get too close. It's difficult not to - illness is illness - but this is going to suck you right in. Honestly, it's madness.

I wish the young lady well.

I would like to think it's the first one- ie she is exhausted from the situation, but I mean really how can we know? And what difference does it make to the outcome? If she doesn't want to or is mentally unable to be there, then that's it. I don't think any suggestion from me that she should come back would be welcome.

@WelshMom thank you- my own lifestyle (single mom/lone parent of two active kids, full-time work + smaller contracts on the side) is such it actually prevents me I think from getting too close. Eg I couldn't take her call when she first called yesterday (driving/errands) and I texted her back an hour later. But I have to admit I'm thinking about it a lot (and posting on mumsnet ha)

Please try not to judge your friend too harshly.

I had a close friend who was anorexic. I tried to be supportive for nearly 30 years and it was exhausting, utterly exhausting.

In the end, for the sake of my own mental health and family, I had to take a few steps back. We were still in touch but I was no longer at her beck and call. I still supported her children, though.

It killed her in the end.

Your friend may have reached that place where I was. When you just have no more to give.

I don't think she can have at least consciously or directly been the cause of her body image and eating issues- she is a very outspoken feminist in her work, very critcal of misogyny etc. Of course I realise people's public image may differ from their private lives, but I have worked with the mom for almost ten year not continuously), and socialized as family throughout. (eg xmas parties, easters etc)

I am sorry OP but this has nothing to do with the complex and unconscious dynamics that exist between a mother and daughter.

I also agree with many others that it is not your place to ‘interfere’. This family are going through hell, they are all adults and they don’t need parenting by anyone else. Dealing with serious MH issues is exhausting and terrifying so please don’t judge (or contact) her parents!

Your stepping in when asked is a lovely thing to do, but know our boundaries. 💐

For all you know, the MH professionals told the parents to take a break, while she was in a safe place? We have a DD with severe mental health problems and they did us. They said to be in no hurry to make contact with her!

There does come a point where the stress can be killing the parents - which can manifest in physical or mental health problems, where those professionals say the parent has to do something about their stress!

@itsagoodlife

You clearly have no idea what it is like to live with and support someone with anorexia.

I am a caring person who has worked in the NHS as an RN. and as a counsellor, I also ran a support group for people with EDs so I have some experience.

Read the rest of the thread and try to understand how exhausting and terrifying dealing with a serious ED is.

My stress levels are up just reading this thread. I left my dd in a hospital after only 8 months and going away for a weekend. We went to a bakery and I ate cake. This was the best cake ever! To be able to eat without worrying about my dd, negotiating every crumb that went in her mouth.
I think it's really nice that you visit OP. Please go again and take books and magazines. I expect she's very bored, but leave the judgment outside. The doctors will keep her alive if they can. Her parents will be phoning to speak to her, but she's probably limited to a short call so a visit will be well received.
Compassion... This is the vital feeling you should aim towards, for both mother and daughter.

prawnsword seriously fuck off with that, my daughter has Anorexia and nobody would choose to have this illness. Your ideas on the disease come from 1973.

If only it were as simple as just eat It’s a brain based biological illness not a fucking lifestyle choice or a diet gone too far.

It is one mental disorder that really is a choice IMO. Yes it is about control & not good but being fat is not evil & I have no time for anyone who obsesses over their weight that much, for whatever reason. Even if it is a mental disorder.

Oh my. This is horrible. Please don’t say this out loud to anyone. You clearly have no understanding about MH problems.

Anorexia is an illness. People have no more choice about it then those with pneumonia. The only similarity is that they both have to be compliant with treatment to recover.

However, for those with pneumonia, taking the rest and medication is not a terrifying and distressing experience.

Asking someone with anorexia to eat a decent meal is like asking someone who has a spider phobia to pick up and eat a spider.

What’s your worst fear? No consider being made to do it six times a day, every day.

Apologies if this has been answered, but is your friend a single parent, or is the Dad still around to visit the hospital while the Mum goes back to her country?

Actually some recent studies have shown once the brain is starved past a certain point the patient can’t think clearly anymore. Some study i read recently showed after a certain amount of force feeding & weight gain the patient was able to think more clearly. It might have been German study? My opinions on anorexia are harsh, but have no time for anyone who that obsessed about their weight no matter the mental reason. If they want to Darwin themselves out of the world it’s their choice. Eat or die, it’s pretty simple. If they can’t/won’t you can only do so much.

Also the OP seems to also feel the mother couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the daughter’s mental condition because she worked with her on & off for 10 years & spent Xmas / Easters with them. She is letting herself be emotionally manipulated by an anorexic in hospital & judging in a situation she should not be so involved in.

Many people can be abusive & working with them + spending some holidays together does not mean they can’t have a toxic relationship.

My sympathy here lays with the parents. I cant imagine the mental anguish that they have been through for 4 years!. Seems like they need a break as well. Op if you have no experience with this, then please keep your mouth shut. Visit the daughter if you wish but dont be giving out advice on what the mother should do.
You have no clue what this does to a family.

I do understand MH problems as have bipolar. But am also not one to feel like I want to coddle an anorexic person either. I find them frustrating, so can only imagine how hard it would be as a parent to go through it is what am saying.

Honestly the girl in hospital telling the OP how bad her results are sounds manipulative & we do know people with anorexia are known for their manipulative behaviour.

I view anorexia as closer to a personality disorder in how the sufferer behaves & affects those around them.

prawnsword that’s not new research, the brain gets severely compromised through starvation as so all the other organs, it’s not to do with weight at all. It’s way more complex than that. Feel free to come help feed my kid on a bad day.

Did you ever see a psychotic episode bought on by prolonged lack of nutrition? That’s what happens to the brain. It’s opinions like yours that makes this illness so fucking lonely.