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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To secretly judge my friend for abandoning her hospitalized daughter, and also wanting advice on asking her to come back and support her daughter

167 replies

questionzzz · 13/06/2019 20:47

I am friends with a woman older than me, whom I respect and admire very much, and who has been very good to me professionally over the years (we met at the workplace).

About 4 years ago, her daughter developed an eating disorder. It has been horrific for this family. Currently, the daughter is hospitalized (involuntarily). She is an adult, under 25.

My friend left a few weeks ago to her home country, telling me she is unable to deal with it anymore. She will be away till the end of summer.

yesterday the daughter called me (my friend had told me she had passed on my contact info and told her to call me if she needed anything) and asked me to visit her.

So I did. I was so shocked by what I saw. Just imagine the worst stereotypes of anorexia, that's it.

Anyway, I can't help judging my friend (and her husband!) for leaving their daughter at this time and going overseas, although I rationally understand that I am not in her shoes and I shouldn't judge.

Also I really really want to ask her to come back and support her daughter. Although I understand it is not my place to do so. She is quite an intimidating woman, very successful socially and professionally.

What should I do? Is there a gentle or tactful way of doing this? Should I acknowledge it is not my place and just continue visiting the daughter as and when i am able?

Any advice would be appreciated. I have no experience of dealing with these issues.

OP posts:
ilikepurple · 14/06/2019 07:02

Let mum know what support you can and can't offer and then it's her decision wether she's here or not. I'm a carer, I can't imagine going away for so long but it can be suffocating and her daughter is in the best place and safe so perhaps she's gone for a rest.

Walkaround · 14/06/2019 07:05

Not only is anorexia a serious mental health illness, it is the mental health illness with the highest premature death rate of any mental health illness, so anyone saying they have no sympathy and these people should just eat is an ignorant, stupid, vile human being. That's like saying someone with severe clinical depression should just go for a run and stop being negative.

Al203 · 14/06/2019 07:05

Your posts are spot on Kateandme

prawnsword · 14/06/2019 07:06

I wouldn’t, would just eat their food & let them get on with it until they got them self sectioned so they could be fed intravenously. I just believe if a baby or adult is hungry enough they will eat. A dog or cat will. If the person can’t/won’t I would not want to draw attention. & coddle them over it. You may not agree with my opinion but I still think the OP is being unreasonable & has no idea what their family dynamics really are.

Al203 · 14/06/2019 07:08

Prawnsword you have no idea. Are you an immature 13 year old or something?

Goawayquickly · 14/06/2019 07:11

prawnsword really, fuck off now, you sound dreadful. They can't eat. This illness nearly killed my kid and has destroyed my life.

itsagoodlife · 14/06/2019 07:14

iris surely a fully trained counsellor would know not to make sweeping incorrect statements about other people’s experiences. For the record I had anorexia for the best part of twenty years. I have been supporting my god daughter with exactly the same thing for the last five and a half years.
So yes, I can see it from both sides. My bf dd is in a bad way. We would not dream of leaving her for a few months. A weeks holiday maybe, for a well earned break. A few months. No way. In the dd position I would feel totally abandoned.

itsagoodlife · 14/06/2019 07:16

Anorexia is incredibly debilitating and can be fatal. There are some cavalier posts on here, it is really very very serious.

Walkaround · 14/06/2019 07:20

prawnsword - people with anorexia can and do starve themselves to death. They do not start eating when people stop "mollycoddling" them. They are not cats or sogs, either...

Walkaround · 14/06/2019 07:20

*dogs!

Original poster
questionzzz · 14/06/2019 07:27

@LannieDuck My friend is not a single parent, the dad is with the mom. They are a seemingly very tight, exemplary couple. The daughter mentioned her dad will be returning sooner than the mom though.
Reading through, I have made up my mind not to ask my friend to return or anything like that, let her know that I can visit around twice a week, and how sorry i am to see her daughter so unwell.

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 14/06/2019 07:45

I can't ever imagine abandoning my daughter if she was in hospital BUT....

I have some experience of supporting a friend with severe anorexia and I think this illness creates a very special kind of hell for those close to a person. I cannot begin to imagine how hard it must be to be a parent in that situation, so I would not judge. The mother may be at breaking point herself.

frumpety · 14/06/2019 07:51

This person is in a 'safe' place currently. It might not be a nice place for her to be, there are people there who understand the illness she is experiencing and all the associated behaviours, she will find this immensely difficult to deal with.
I would make contact with the Mother and explain her daughter mentioned that her blood results are the worst they have ever been and ask if she is in contact with the ward ? I imagine she is and is already aware. I would think the reason for the section is to try and improve these blood results and decrease the danger of sudden death from deranged electrolyte induced arrhythmias.

It is kind of you to visit the daughter and understandable that you are shocked by her condition, hopefully for everyone she will reach the point of recovery.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 14/06/2019 08:05

she complained of feeling thirsty all the time
My guess is she wants water to fill her stomach to avoid eating.

The guard on the door will be to prevent exercising.

You have no idea how sneaky this illness is.

Hospitals for ED generally don’t go for a cuddly vibe. Not sure why exactly, but I have friends who suffer with it and both said the thought of going back is was sometimes what kept them well Confused so maybe it’s part of the approach?

Pinkmouse6 · 14/06/2019 08:10

I understand the Mum’s perspective. I’m sure it pained you to see her daughter (or anyone) suffering like that, imagine if it were your child. I’d judge more if she was still under 18 but she is an adult, sometimes as adults we have to get through things alone and it can hinder to have other people enabling us I suppose.

She’s clearly lived with this for years and I just can’t imagine how it feels as a Mother. Distressing and frustrating doesn’t even cut it.

SinkGirl · 14/06/2019 08:11

So prawn if you’re having a manic phase, you could get better if you’d just choose to calm down? This is not how illness works.

It is not about weight FFS, do you really not understand that?

poobumwee · 14/06/2019 08:23

OP that must have been terribly hard to see your friends daughter. I would mirror what others have said by not judging the parents. None of us know what goes on in families and the pressure and stress must be huge. Your friend could well have PTSD due to living through such a worrying period and may have been advised to take some time out especially as her daughter is being cared for medically

itsagoodlife · 14/06/2019 08:24

Heart goes out to them all. Absolute living nightmare. I hope she gets well op Flowers

tuxedocatsintophats · 14/06/2019 08:25

Wow. I'm glad so many have never had a child or sibling with a severe MH disorder. My brother has. The strain of caring for him drove my mother to suicide, then the rest of the family, who never offered her respite or assistance, judged her for being selfish. She went from the happy, positive person I loved to a shell of herself. But you know, how dare she go on holiday.

Snog · 14/06/2019 08:36

I mean this in a kind way but it seems pretty arrogant to me to assume that you know what is best in this situation.

greenlynx · 14/06/2019 08:39

I would tell Mum that you visited sticking to facts: brought some magazines, daughter was complaining about being thirsty and so on; without commenting what Mum should do. You probably could add something that you didn’t know that her illness went so far and really sorry. They speak over phone every day so presumably DD can tell to her Mum how things are. If she can’t tell her or Mum doesn’t care, well, Mum wouldn’t be a big help and support?
Your friend stays over summer because of some care commitments ( her own parents) or need to sort out some property issues, or going through treatment for her mental breakdown. I doubt that she will tell you the whole truth, it’s probably too difficult for her.

SunniDay · 14/06/2019 09:34

Hi OP,
I'm in agreement with most posters that her mother may desperately need a break. This has gone on for a long time and could go on for decades more - her mother is not unreasonable to need to a life beyond focusing on her adult daughters eating for year upon year. I don't think it's the same as nursing a relative with cancer as the person wields the power to want to get well and it must be so frustrating when they don't (or can't?) decide to get better.

This doesn't of course make her daughter your responsibility. Her mother will already be only too aware that her daughter could die at some point. If that happens it won't be her mother's fault or yours or the wards but she will be a victim of the disease.

I agree I would take with a pinch of salt that she "doesn't know what's going on" etc. What's going on is that they would like to keep her there to help her gain a little weight in order to stabilise her health but she doesn't want that so wants an out - I.e. you asking how long she'll be there etc.

I also agree with GreenLynx above. As you were shocked about the daughters condition your friend sounds like quite a private person. She could be doing anything in her country including nursing a terminal relative.

It might also be that in the past the ward discharges the daughter too readily in the mum's opinion because she has a supportive family and home to go to and mum hopes they can support her longer and have a better chance of getting her better if they can't discharge her as no family to go to?

SunniDay · 14/06/2019 09:35

Just to add you are very kind to visit/ be a friend but you are not responsible for her health on any level.

Giraffecantdanse · 14/06/2019 09:46

@questionzzz Reading through, I have made up my mind not to ask my friend to return or anything like that, let her know that I can visit around twice a week, and how sorry i am to see her daughter so unwell.

You are a good friend. I bet she's glad to have your support. Flowers

Schnitzelvonkrumb · 14/06/2019 09:51

prawnsword
I hope your MH issues are not treated with the contempt you are showing those with eating disorders. My parents lived with anorexia for 13 years (both myself and my sister had it) i felt so much guilt and shame for what i put them through, and still do, 20 years later. Do you also tell drug addicts to just stay away from drugs or alcoholics "just don't drink"? Come to think if it i don't know why any MH conditions exist if they are this easy to solve....🙄 Studies have also shown some people are genetically predisposed to it as with other MH issues but dont that that stop your judgement over it.