To secretly judge my friend for abandoning her hospitalized daughter, and also wanting advice on asking her to come back and support her daughter

[questionzzz]

I am friends with a woman older than me, whom I respect and admire very much, and who has been very good to me professionally over the years (we met at the workplace).

About 4 years ago, her daughter developed an eating disorder. It has been horrific for this family. Currently, the daughter is hospitalized (involuntarily). She is an adult, under 25.

My friend left a few weeks ago to her home country, telling me she is unable to deal with it anymore. She will be away till the end of summer.

yesterday the daughter called me (my friend had told me she had passed on my contact info and told her to call me if she needed anything) and asked me to visit her.

So I did. I was so shocked by what I saw. Just imagine the worst stereotypes of anorexia, that's it.

Anyway, I can't help judging my friend (and her husband!) for leaving their daughter at this time and going overseas, although I rationally understand that I am not in her shoes and I shouldn't judge.

Also I really really want to ask her to come back and support her daughter. Although I understand it is not my place to do so. She is quite an intimidating woman, very successful socially and professionally.

What should I do? Is there a gentle or tactful way of doing this? Should I acknowledge it is not my place and just continue visiting the daughter as and when i am able?

Any advice would be appreciated. I have no experience of dealing with these issues.

I think it is very unfair on this women to have given your contact details without talking this through with you before she went away.. I dont think shes been mich of friend or very honst with you as you would then know why she was going for so long, what sort of stuff/support her daughter was going to need whilst she was away

you dont know the full background/detail - the treatment or anything it seems...
Please look after yourself in all this and only visit etc if you dont find it stressing yourself out and getting involved with the details/treatment etc

They are from another European country I have no idea what the stigmas around anorexia etc are there.

So for the same reason, no family support, though a decent network of friends, mostly, (like me) through work.

I wasn't intending to let the mom- my friend- how I was feeling towards her, hence this thread, and this has given me a better perspective - the general advice seems to be:
I should honestly describe what I have seen and heard
I should NOT ask her to return, either directly or tacitly.

oh- and just to clarify - she did tell me she had left mine and another mutual friend's contact with her daughter the last time she travelled overseas, but that was just for a week, and the daughter wasn't hospitalized then.

I think the decision for her to stay until the end of summer is a more recent one, because originally she had told me she would be gone till the end of May.

I mean, one thing that is bugging me is what if the daughter actually dies (she did not look well at all- I could not bring myself even to say platitudes like "you'll be fine soon! You'll get through this!) and then the mom blames me for not telling her?
Apat from the blame, how guilty would I feel???

My toxic mother was a huge contributing factor to my anorexia, come to think of it my father is just as poisonous

@questionzzz - that is for the medical staff to contact her next of kin if necessary.

I think you are being very kind visiting but as others have said try not to take too much responsibility on your shoulders than you can manage.

I think you need to keep your beak out

Did you not read the OP's comment?

my friend had told me she had passed on my contact info and told her to call me if she needed anything

OP, Your friend may well be at the end of her tether and I understand it must be very difficult but why does she think you should get involved? It sounds like she's passing the buck to you.I would have a word and point out her daughter is not your responsibility.

@UndertheCedartree right, yes of course. Thanks.
I think I'm just so shocked by what I saw- and I freely acknowledge I know nothing about this other than what is known to the general public, I just feel i had to tell somebody.

In this case, there is a 24-hour sitter assigned to her, and he was outside the door when i was with her. (again, to my ignorance, shocking for me.)

When my sister was hospitalised for the same thing she also had a sitter, in case she vomited up her food, secretly exercised or otherwise tried to harm herself.

Is it possible to get advice from one of the HCP's who care for her? You don't need to ask any direct questions they will refuse to answer but could say 'her mother isn't planning on being in the country until autumn, do you think she needs to be home sooner?'

The lady in the next bed when my husband was in intensive care was severely anorexic. I watched her sister sit there exhausted and drained while her sister ranted about the calories in her pic line emergency nutrition. Her sister didn't know me from Adam but she literally cried on my shoulder one night when we were both in the relatives cloakroom and I asked her if she was ok. She was literally near breaking point herself. I felt more upset seeing her than her sister, who was being treated, she really had the weight of the world on her shoulders.

@user27495824 yes, I think i could do that. I don't see why not?
@StarbucksSmarterSister oh no, I couldn't complain to the mom, my friend of 9-10 years who has realy facilitated my work andto whom I "owe". Besides she did tell about passing on my contact- just at that point the daughter hadn't been hospitalized yet.

That’s a hell of a judgement you seem to have passed.
Can’t imagine what that poor woman must have endured, having to watch your child starve themselves to near death over and over and not to be able to help. Must be soul destroying. Maybe she’s just doing her best, or trying to use tough love as a last resort.

I wouldn’t want to ask you to walk a mile in her shoes.

Anorexia is a bit like N addiction and for relative supporting someone with anorexia is like battling with someone with an addiction. There are lies, there’s manipulation, broken promises and all the stressors associated with severe and enduring mental ill health. It’s awful for a patient but it’s also awful for parents as helpless bystanders. Sometimes people for their own sanity and mental well-being need to escape. If the woman in hospital was an alcoholic or drug addict people wouldn’t judge quite so much. Anorexia is an awful disease while it kills the patient, it slowly destroys the family too.

You cannot judge someone who has had to walk away. It won’t have been an easy choice, it will have been one of self preservation. The daughters survival is solely the responsibility of the daughter. I assume the mother has done as much as she could and it has to date failed. It’s probably better for all involved, and in particular the recover of the daughter, if the mother is absent

If the young woman is at risk of dying, the medical team will let her parents know.

When your friend asked if she could leave your number as a contact, what did she tell you were the circumstances under which you'd be called? Did she really expect you to visit her daughter? Or was it a number for short term but non-emergency needs (like bring some clothes she might needs)?

I would imagine that the only time that such parents feel they can safely go away, is when their offspring is hospitalised and someone else's responsibility temporarily.

I know "theoretically" we shouldn't judge and all that. I realise that. It's just I couldn't help this knee-jerk reaction I felt- like "how the hell can you have left your child at this time". I will not let this feeling affect how I interact with the mom, and honestly reading all your expereinces and responses is helping me not feel judgy.

I will not ask her to come back.

As others have said above, the strain of supporting a mentally ill relative and being powerless to stop them harming themselves is absolutely immense. I'm going through it and last week was on the verge of being signed off work by my doctor as the cocktail of antidepressants and sleeping pills I'm taking to deal with the stress is barely touching the surface. Family dynamics can become very strained and toxic - at times I've had to step back from my family member for my sanity. There can also be manipulation on the part of the ill person, and co-dependency issues, so hard as it may be to understand it could be the right thing for both of them for your friend to have time away

OP you might think you "owe" her but this is above and beyond. Obviously you could phrase it more tactfully than I did.

I presume the staff will contact the mother if things get worse.

Some of the harsh comments on here are totally unnecessary though, you were asked to keep an eye in effect, you have no obligation to do so and you are obviously concerned about this young woman. That is commendable.

for those talking all about the manipulative nasty trait fo the disease.can we also remember they are not all of this.they dont always scream about calories in their pic lines.or shout or lie or hurt people.and those that get through is when the support and families manage to see through this to the scared,vunerale poorly people they always were.
to the kind hearted often more sensitive than other folk, sisters brothers and mums.
their constant guilt and hurt over what they are doing to the families often fuel the eds.
and to those saying she is safe in the ward...haha.your are having a laugh right.have you ever been on one of these wards.they are far from pleasant and more often than not are shit poor caring facilities. and the patient can come out more traumatized than before.and for those ive seen that do get through its because of the support they have from friends and or family.
we are putting a hell of a lot of hate on these suffering with such a fatal terrible disease.
yes its bloody tough for the families.but all the fear,hate and tiredness they feel remember is going on constantly insdie the sufferer too and they cant run away from it ever.

If this has been going on for four years, there's nothing you can tell the parents that they don't already know.
You've had a shock, seeing her for the first time. This has become their new 'normal'.

In order to continue supporting her into the future, they need a sustained break, while medical staff take over for a while.

you can secretly judge her but Christ she needs a break.
it sounds hellish.

@saraclara when my friend told me (and another mutual friend) about the contact there was no protracted discussion as such, and her daughter wasn't hospitalised. It was a few months ago, my friend said in a group chat, amongst other things, Oh and I'm going to be out of the country for a week and [my daughter] is staying at our place, it's ok give your contact info in case she needs something? (or words to that effect) And we were like yeah sure. We knew the family had been struggling with this but maybe hadn't quite realised the extent.

@kateandme sadly I have to agree with your "wards are far from pleasant" comment- I don't know enough about the disease re the rest.

The ward does have a bit of a victorian vibe to it. Not at all a "touchy-feely" "fuzzy-wuzzy" kind of place.

Mind provide advocates for mental health patients. They are variable, some v good, some not so much. If you can ask the patient if they have or want advocate. Don't get in too deep op, it's a long hard road