To secretly judge my friend for abandoning her hospitalized daughter, and also wanting advice on asking her to come back and support her daughter

[questionzzz]

I am friends with a woman older than me, whom I respect and admire very much, and who has been very good to me professionally over the years (we met at the workplace).

About 4 years ago, her daughter developed an eating disorder. It has been horrific for this family. Currently, the daughter is hospitalized (involuntarily). She is an adult, under 25.

My friend left a few weeks ago to her home country, telling me she is unable to deal with it anymore. She will be away till the end of summer.

yesterday the daughter called me (my friend had told me she had passed on my contact info and told her to call me if she needed anything) and asked me to visit her.

So I did. I was so shocked by what I saw. Just imagine the worst stereotypes of anorexia, that's it.

Anyway, I can't help judging my friend (and her husband!) for leaving their daughter at this time and going overseas, although I rationally understand that I am not in her shoes and I shouldn't judge.

Also I really really want to ask her to come back and support her daughter. Although I understand it is not my place to do so. She is quite an intimidating woman, very successful socially and professionally.

What should I do? Is there a gentle or tactful way of doing this? Should I acknowledge it is not my place and just continue visiting the daughter as and when i am able?

Any advice would be appreciated. I have no experience of dealing with these issues.

It's a heartbreaking situation and I feel for all involved.
I can't imagine how it must feel for a parent to be in that situation.

I can understand that you want to plead with her to be with her daughter. I think I would want to do the same in your situation.
This young woman needs her mum more than ever now.

I went through an eating disorder myself as a teen.
Thankfully I recovered and it didn't ever get to the stage your friend's daughter is sadly at, but I have times even now where it comes back to haunt me in some way.

I feel for you all. x

I do understand MH problems as have bipolar.

I have depression. Sometimes I don't understand my own MH let alone anyone else's. I don't think having an MH condition necessarily gives you extra insight into others and it certainly doesn't make you an expert on all of them. If I catch chicken pox I'm not suddenly an expert on influenza or an expert in epidemiology. It takes more empathy and self reflection I think to begin to understand the problems others have.

It's kind of you to be there for the daughter but as others have said, YABVU to judge the mother for not being there. For you this is all a new fresh shiny crisis and you're gratified on some level by feeling you can make a difference (no judgement, anyone would feel the same way) but for the adult DD's parents this is a grind that has been going on for years and may never end, or end only with their child's death. And as PP have said, anorexia often goes alongside lies, manipulation, and control. I have thank God not had a close family member with the illness, but I have supported a friend and after several months I had to step waaaaaaay back for my own sanity. The stress, the lies, my words or actions being used to feed the illness or "prove" that she didn't need to eat... I actually consulted a friend who had relevant clinical experience, and she told me bluntly that there was nothing whatsoever I could do, either positively or negatively. My friend would get treatment, comply with it and work on recovering, or she wouldn't, and absolutely nothing I said or didn't say would change that.

Your friend has been forced to face that same realisation - that she is essentially powerless and all she can do sometimes is to try and hang on to her own sanity by her fingertips, and that there is no point whatsoever throwing her own health down a black hole. It may even be that the dynamic between them is toxic or unhelpful to treatment in some way. And the mother is still speaking to her daughter every day, so it's hardly abandonment.

Visit and/or support the daughter to the limit you feel you can, and have compassion for her mother - you are so very fortunate indeed not to be in her shoes.

to be fair, you aren't your brother's keeper, and you aren't your children's keeper. At some point enough becomes enough.

Children can distance themselves from parents, so why not the other way.

@Giraffecantdanse Thank you. As mentioned, this friend has been very supportive of my work over the years (the contract work I mentioned above is all her pushing that my way), but I like to think that even without this debt of gratitude I would do that if asked.

BTw- yes she is in her home country working, doing research and helping an elderly aunt. Not just a holiday.

If I'm right in thinking your friend is visiting family in the other country, I can imagine that the daughter's condition has made that nigh on impossible for the last four years. And if your friend has elderly parents, of course she's going to want to have some quality time with them. They'll have been missing her.

The ripples from this girls condition will have spread a long way, and involved a lot of people. Just report back to your friend in a conversational way.

she’s safe

Well thats a massive assumption to make, she has advanced anorexia haud

Not really, have you worked, dealt with or know someone with this illness? Because I have.

She is safe as she will be on watch 24/7, she’s not in her home, or subjecting herself to get illness, she will be being fed, and hydrated, she’s more safe in the hospital than in HER normal life.

I’m not sure where the not really came from

It was supposed to say I still stand my she’s safe comment

It’s refreshing to read a thread where someone asks AIBU an then gracefully accepts that they were.

Just take care of yourself OP. You sound very kind. If you find twice a week is too much for you don’t feel bad about dropping it back to less often. You’ve been already been hit very hard by just one visit and as many people have said people with anorexia (and other mental illnesses and addictions) can take a lot out of those around them. As they often warn us on here, don’t give so much to other people that you can’t take care of yourself. You have to put your own family and mental equilibrium first.

@prawnsword

You clearly know absolutely nothing about anorexia. Lucky, lucky you to live in such blissful ignorance. Hasn’t it occurred to you that if it was as simple as ‘just’ eating, no-one would die from it? They could be force fed, miraculously come to their senses and all would be well?

I know nothing about bi-polar but I know enough to not tell someone displaying manic behaviour to ‘just calm down’, or someone who is depressed to pull themselves together.

It is not a fault to be ignorant about something, none of us can know everything but it is potentially dangerous to start spouting your outdated and innacurate ideas as fact.

Had I not witnessed for myself how toxic the illness is, I would not have been able to imagine it. Forgive prawn her ignorance.

prawnsword go into hospital and tell someone to just get over cancer it's their choice and then come back to me with your fucking ridiculous words. God this kind of ignorant crap gives me the rage. Next go tell someone with their legs blown off to just grow legs. And someone having a heart attack to just expand there arteries. Also why not someone with a stroke to just straighten their face. This is the equivalent buckshot talk and thinking. Someone doesn't have a choice with the eating disorder and it's not about just eating meals. It is a mental and emotional torture chamber in their heads The food and the weight is a symptom of this. Get a fucking idea! people like you are part of the reason that so many is still suffering still have stigma attached to them an ain't helped adequately because people belittle their disease.their fatal disease.

@prawnsword - anorexia is more like PD? And what do you know about PD? That is caused by abnormalities in the brain? And an invalidating environment in childhood? It is a mental illness that sufferers have no choice over and can be a living hell to experience? So yes, I think anorexia is probably does have some similarities. And whether you have 'time for' mentally unwell people or not they still didn't choose to become unwell.

Prawnsword it's ironic that you have such a harsh view on those suffering from anorexia despite having bipolar. Your comments are full of ignorance. Yes, it is ultimately a choice to recover, it is NOT a choice to get ill. And once ill we need help to learn the proper coping mechanisms in order to recover. I'm not sure what to make of your comments. Are they simply bitter or jealous or what is driving you to be so cruel???? My sister and mum both have bipolar should they be privy to support or are they simply choosing to be unstable? Honestly your comments are disgusting. Just disgusting.

Despite other accomplishments in my life, recovering from anorexia continues to be the thing I am most proud of. It was hard, it was terrifying, and I had to trust doctors and therapists more than I wanted to but I did it. It was not easy, I did not choose to be ill, and your ignorance it astounding.

@Rachelle11

Well done on your recovery. You are right to be proud. I have seen how hard it can be. My daughter is an amazing young woman with many talents and great qualities but to me her greatest achievement was deciding she wanted to lead a normal life and recover and then following through on it.

@Goodideaatthetime007 Thank you

I'm glad your daughter was able to recover as well. That is amazing. xx