About this petty father's Day gift from his ex?

[Alaurable97]

Hey so I'm really sorry if this is the wrong board, I kinda know I've been a bit naughty and I shouldn't have poked my nose in, but I did. My bad.

Anyway my partner's ex is not the nicest, I really don't like the way she treats my partner but hey I guess that's why they split up.

My partner bought her lovely mother's Day gifts, pandora charm, flowers and more (I'm not 100% sure, I didn't delve into asking him but was there with him when he bought the other two).

He works upwards of 60 hours a week, we have an 11 week old baby and on his only 2 days off we have his child from their relationship. She's only little bless her so of course she is very full on wanting to play (which is totally fine by us) but of course he doesn't get a break from work or the kids given the amount of hours he works to be able to support us and pay the huge amount of child maintenance he pays.

Anyways, I digress. A couple of mornings when he was supposed to get her, his alarm didn't go off because his phone did this weird thing all of a sudden where it turned itself off despite being charged.

I 100% understand her frustration because she had to get to work but I thought she'd be a little understanding given his situation. He was really apologetic to her and admitted to me that it was awful he wasn't there to collect her.

Anyways, for his birthday and Xmas she has bought him the same top x4 (2 each occasion) and I got a bit nosey and peeked in the gift bag she had given him to see if she'd done the same for father's Day and she has bought him an alarm clock!!!! I'm guessing this is relating to the two times his alarm didn't go off and he has now fixed the issue with his phone.

Am I being unreasonable to think this is petty and unkind? Despite the way she treats him he is always reasonable with her and I think that's just darnright spiteful of her.

Now I'm wondering, do I prewarn him? It's our sons first father's Day with him and I know he is going to be hurt and upset, I don't want his day to be ruined. I can really see that does his best for their child and in my mind nothing says 'you are a crap father' more than this gift!

I am dreading him opening his gift from her, I've gone and bought 11 gifts from our son to compensate but I don't think it's going to conceal the fact that his ex wants to upset him.

She is always doing things to belittle him and make him feel like crap but I think this is too far. What do you guys think?

Again, I know I was naughty to peek. Very nosey indeed.

Dh got me a digital timer as a present once. I kept burning dinner. I saw the funny side and use it regularly. The alarm clock might be PA. It might be a good humoured joke as he was late.

But if he is spending more time and money sorting his first family to the detriment of his second child, that is what you need to address. Not that his ex got him a clock.

OP is it possible that your DP's first marriage broke down because after the arrival of his first DC he worked silly hours to avoid parenting, leaving his first wife to feel like a single parent (much as you do now).

They split up because she wanted her & their DC to be a bigger priority in his life, especially as she was also working & bringing in enough to pay for a 4 bed house by herself.

Then you come along & have a baby with him and the 60 hour weeks where he's working & you're left holding the baby are starting to grate on you.

Not only that but his DC1 is older now & more interactive than a baby, so you see him playing more with his first child than you do with your new baby.

You probably feel very similar to how his ex-wife once did. When you go back to work & his phone mysteriously doesn't work when it's his turn to get up with the baby & you need to head into work, I bet you'll be glad of that alarm clock.

You'll realise then what an excellent gift it is.

he’s been late to collect twice it’s hardly the crime of the century and these things happen. It’s life!

They don't happen to me but I admit I am a bit anal about punctuality. If she had lost her job it could have been a big deal.

Sigh. Here it is again for the hard of comprehension:

If you cannot afford to maintain a 4 bed house for you and your DD without a huge amount of maintenance that your ex is paying you (that is above the CMS required level), then you need to be prepared to move to a property that you can afford if your ex is no longer willing to work silly hours to fund the house for you.

Of course DD can’t move on her own (how silly of you to pretend I suggested that) but OP has said that her DP doesn’t want to move DD out of the 4 bed home because it’s her family home. I think it’s madness to work 5 x 15 hour shifts pw so your child can live in a 4 bed house. The DD doesn’t need 3 bedrooms, she’s 5, she can adjust to a smaller property. And if the ex can afford to maintain the 4 bed home by herself without huge maintenance then the point is moot.

Of course DD can’t move on her own (how silly of you to pretend I suggested that)

No, you tried to pretend that you suggested that. And then quickly regretted it I would imagine

The ‘be moved’ refers to the the DD, not the ex

There is nothing at all to suggest this woman can’t afford her house without maintenance from her ex. She had bought and was affording the house before he came along.

There is nothing at all to suggest this man is working 60/75 hours a week just to keep his ex in a 4 bed house. If I were to guess I would say he is a workaholic high earner and that his home with OP is not cheap

Well I took it for granted that people would have the brain cells to understand that a 5yo can’t move home without her resident parent. Seems I was wrong and some people need obvious things pointed out to them 😂

OP has said that her DP doesn’t want to move DD out of the 4 bed home because it’s her family home. I think it’s madness to work 5 x 15 hour shifts pw so your child can live in a 4 bed house.

So as you say, both the child's parents want her to keep living there, so really it's just a question of whether they would consider the dad's new girlfriend's new internet acquaintance's opinion on the matter to carry equal weight to theirs or not. OP, please could you ask them and report back?

There is nothing at all to suggest this woman can’t afford her house without maintenance from her ex. She had bought and was affording the house before he came along.

Yes there is, OP says ‘he pays quite a lot of extra money so that his ex can keep her 4 bed house when there is only two of them living there. He says it is because he doesn't want his baby to lose their family home’. If you don’t wish to believe the OP, of course that’s your prerogative but if I decided that I’m not going to take the OP at face value then I would just ignore the thread.

There is nothing at all to suggest this man is working 60/75 hours a week just to keep his ex in a 4 bed house.

As above.

Well I took it for granted that people would have the brain cells to understand that a 5yo can’t move home without her resident parent.

See, we all do have those brain cells, which is why we knew you meant moving the mother as well as the DD. But you’re denying you meant that so we can only assume you’ve taken leave of your senses and think the 5yo can move alone.

That’s coming from the OP who is so insecure about her DPs relationship with his ex that she has to sneak peek at his gifts from her so that she can go and out do her with more presents.

Well I took it for granted that people would have the brain cells to understand that a 5yo can’t move home without her resident parent.

So, as I said, you were suggesting that the ex should be moved out of her own house. Dear me, what a time you're having. It would test the patience of an almost-saint

Can I ask how old your DP is & how long he was with his ex? Were they married or in a relationship? Where are you living now? Did he buy his own place after they separated, or rent somewhere? Who moved in with who when you got together or did you buy/rent somewhere else together? Trying to get a better handle on all the relationships here.

So as you say, both the child's parents want her to keep living there, so really it's just a question of whether they would consider the dad's new girlfriend's new internet acquaintance's opinion on the matter to carry equal weight to theirs or not.

A random poster on an internet forum hardly equates to an ‘acquaintance’ does it?

And if we use your logic, it would be just as ridiculous for OP to decide she’s happy for her partner to work 5 x 15hr shifts per week (leaving her alone with dc) to keep his ex in a 4 bed house on your say-so, surely?

OP, please could you ask them and report back?

You do realise that OP is just looking for opinions, not instructions, right?

I'd be damned if I'd give my kids my hard earned money to spend on their dad my exh for Father's Day,birthday or Xmas he can have a lovely homemade card! He feels exactly the same about me!! Bizarre behaviour OP!

The ex bought the house before she even met her ex. He's not even on the mortgage. I don't believe for a hot second that he is working 75 hours a week to keep her in a 4 bedroom home.

How old is his baby with the ex, is he having multiple babies with dif women in a short time scale?

And if we use your logic, it would be just as ridiculous for OP to decide she’s happy for her partner to work 5 x 15hr shifts per week (leaving her alone with dc) to keep his ex in a 4 bed house on your say-so, surely?

Neither ridiculous nor on my say so, given that that is in fact the arrangement. Although it doesn't sound like he's doing it to 'keep her' in her house, which to reiterate was hers before he met her. I know that bit gets in the way of the saint thing though so apologies for bringing it up again.

His dd is 5. OP said they met a year after they split up and started dating 6 months later. I'm guessing his dd was quite young when he left.

See, we all do have those brain cells, which is why we knew you meant moving the mother as well as the DD. But you’re denying you meant that so we can only assume you’ve taken leave of your senses and think the 5yo can move alone.

The brain cells are indeed lacking because the point is that the ex’s concern is that his daughter not be moved from her home. So OP needs to make the point to her partner that a 5yo can be just as happy in a 2 bed home if that’s all her parents can reasonably afford. So if he reduces his hours to spend more time at home and as a result has to reduce the maintenance he pays for his DD, then it’s for his ex to decide if she can continue to afford the 4 bed or if she needs to move to a smaller property. I don’t know how to make that any clearer. 🤷‍♀️

Op how old was his dd when he left? She must have still been a baby.

'The ‘be moved’ refers to the the DD, not the ex, which you would have understood if you had read my post properly. Made yourself look like a clown there didn’t you? You must be prejudiced against single mothers if you assumed my comment was about the mum.'

🤯

'So OP needs to make the point to her partner that a 5yo can be just as happy in a 2 bed home if that’s all her parents can reasonably afford.'

Or she could just mind her own fucking business?

Neither ridiculous nor on my say so, given that that is in fact the arrangement. Although it doesn't sound like he's doing it to 'keep her' in her house, which to reiterate was hers before he met her. I know that bit gets in the way of the saint thing though so apologies for bringing it up again.

But the current arrangement isn’t working because OP is left with dc all day and evening while her partner works and then his days off are rightly spent with his dd.

So OP deciding to maintain the status quo would not be on your say-so but OP telling her partner to reduce his hours so he can be at home more would be on my say-so? How do you figure that?

It’s irrelevant if she bought the house before she got with him if she now needs him to help her maintain the house (whether that’s mortgage or rental payments) which is not essential for dd’s needs. That should be obvious.

or she could just mind her own fucking business?

But it is her business? They have a home and child together.