About this petty father's Day gift from his ex?

[Alaurable97]

Hey so I'm really sorry if this is the wrong board, I kinda know I've been a bit naughty and I shouldn't have poked my nose in, but I did. My bad.

Anyway my partner's ex is not the nicest, I really don't like the way she treats my partner but hey I guess that's why they split up.

My partner bought her lovely mother's Day gifts, pandora charm, flowers and more (I'm not 100% sure, I didn't delve into asking him but was there with him when he bought the other two).

He works upwards of 60 hours a week, we have an 11 week old baby and on his only 2 days off we have his child from their relationship. She's only little bless her so of course she is very full on wanting to play (which is totally fine by us) but of course he doesn't get a break from work or the kids given the amount of hours he works to be able to support us and pay the huge amount of child maintenance he pays.

Anyways, I digress. A couple of mornings when he was supposed to get her, his alarm didn't go off because his phone did this weird thing all of a sudden where it turned itself off despite being charged.

I 100% understand her frustration because she had to get to work but I thought she'd be a little understanding given his situation. He was really apologetic to her and admitted to me that it was awful he wasn't there to collect her.

Anyways, for his birthday and Xmas she has bought him the same top x4 (2 each occasion) and I got a bit nosey and peeked in the gift bag she had given him to see if she'd done the same for father's Day and she has bought him an alarm clock!!!! I'm guessing this is relating to the two times his alarm didn't go off and he has now fixed the issue with his phone.

Am I being unreasonable to think this is petty and unkind? Despite the way she treats him he is always reasonable with her and I think that's just darnright spiteful of her.

Now I'm wondering, do I prewarn him? It's our sons first father's Day with him and I know he is going to be hurt and upset, I don't want his day to be ruined. I can really see that does his best for their child and in my mind nothing says 'you are a crap father' more than this gift!

I am dreading him opening his gift from her, I've gone and bought 11 gifts from our son to compensate but I don't think it's going to conceal the fact that his ex wants to upset him.

She is always doing things to belittle him and make him feel like crap but I think this is too far. What do you guys think?

Again, I know I was naughty to peek. Very nosey indeed.

Antigon 9-9 is a good shift for him. He is normally working 9-11/12ish (he is the manager so sets the rota and has to do this to fit everything in).

OP, fuck that for a game of soldiers. I would be working out what the CMS minimum is and then working out how much extra is needed to give DD a good standard of living in a TWO BED PROPERTY.

Time to put your foot down OP. He’ll burn himself out so she can live in a big house, that’s insane!

Well done MN for attacking a new mum having a down moment.

Who is down? OP seems fine.

I think it's funny-& useful.

Can't really get why you thought you had to "compensate" by getting more from you.

But a pandora charm-wtaf is that all about?

9-9 is a good shift for him. He is normally working 9-11/12ish

So is that 15 hour shifts X 4 to give 60 hours which would be 4 days a week? Or is that 60 hours over 5 days plus an extra 15 hours overtime to make 75 hours a week?

Op I get that the gift thing with exes is awkward. Re the pandora bracelet, I would actually really struggle to wear jewellery chosen and bought by an ex, so a token gift might truthfully be more appropriate. Where possible it’s nice when a grandparent or stepparent can step in with gifts (so for example you would buy him something from both children). But I do support my ds to get something for his dad if that doesn’t happen. When I was skint it was often a small homemade something, now I just give him a small amount of money. But it’s maybe about reframing it in your mind. (Although yes the alarm clock probably is a bit of a dig.)

My DH has a bar of chocolate from DS. 11 gifts?!

And the alarm clock is brilliant. Passive aggressive but brilliant

And then the real OP comes out like we all knew was there all along.....

OP is allowed to want her son to have quality time with her son too you know.

Sorry but it's so weird to me that they buy gifts for each other. I would be livid if DH bought jewellery for his ex.

I'd be interested to read this from the other side. I can well imagine a post on here about a controlling ex who doesn't turn up to pick up their child on time (more than once) so she can't go to work, and buys the OP boundary-defying gifts as if they're still in a relationship, despite having a newborn baby with his new 22/23 year old girlfriend.

If he has any sort of sense of humour he’ll be pissing himself laughing. An alarm clock is a genius gift and hopefully he’ll take it as lighthearted whether that was the intention or not

I can 100% guarantee that if a woman posted saying “ex has been late twice to picking DD up, blaming his phone alarm, AIBU to get him an alarm clock for father’s day?” The responses would be a unanimous YANBU!

a controlling ex who doesn't turn up to pick up their child on time (more than once) so she can't go to work, and buys the OP boundary-defying gifts

Do controlling exes tend to have their DC two days every week and call their ex a fantastic mother?

I suspect if he was late for pick up regularly then ex would be doing a hell of a lot more about it than buying a passive aggressive alarm clock gift.

And if ex was uncomfortable with the gifts would she be buying him tops as gifts in turn?

When I read your opening post...I could just anticipate the nasty comments.

Being passive aggressive is never good... she should just be straight up about your gripe like a mature adult.

How long ago was he last late?

From what you've said, I think he feels guilty for leaving her...hence he's buying expensive gifts and paying heavy maintenance.

I don't understand why he would buy expensive gifts like that for an Ex, especially when she buys him cheap stuff. It doesn't add up at all.... especially for someone who isn't rolling in cash.

I take it he doesn't pay the entire mortgage?
She owned the house before they met, so presumably was able to meet the mortgage payments then.... the only reason she could say she can't do that now is because of their child.... however at 5 yo, she's in school, so the Ex could use wraparound care and work full time like many other mothers... single and married.

You say he's kind, but he sounds more like someone easily taken advantage of the way she belittles him tbh.

Don't be angry. It's a massive waste of energy. No your DP should not have been late to collect, certainty not twice. He has obviously learnt from it though.

11 presents is a lot but at least it's practical stuff he can use and not T shirts with world's greatest dad on!

Giving his ex a pandora charm is not kind. She is still pining for him and may see expensive jewellery as the possibility of hope for some kind of future with him. The charm isn’t kind or generous. It’s dumb.

As for the alarm clock, I PMSL. It’s a great and very apt gift.

You sound very annoyed with this woman. Life isn’t all fluffy bunnies, sweetness and light and you will see this if you ever split up from this man. Is 1997 your birth year btw? Hmmm you’ve got a lot to learn.

@Antigon it's not my fault you've made a clown of yourself suggesting that she should "be moved" out of her own house to a two bed property (helpful way of showing your prejudices about the living circumstances of single mothers, by the way!)

Antigon it's not my fault you've made a clown of yourself suggesting that she should "be moved" out of her own house to a two bed property grin (helpful way of showing your prejudices about the living circumstances of single mothers, by the way!)

The ‘be moved’ refers to the the DD, not the ex, which you would have understood if you had read my post properly. Made yourself look like a clown there didn’t you? You must be prejudiced against single mothers if you assumed my comment was about the mum.

If the DP is financing the 4 bed house thru maintenance then totally reasonable to reduce maintenance in line with cost of maintaining a good standard of living for his DD in a TWO bed property.

Maybe OP's partner is happy to finance his ex in a 4 bed house AND his second family? There's no suggestion that they don't have enough money apart from maintenance being a chunk of his income.

An alarm clock is a practical gift so it sounds like your partner has 12 gifts to open. Have you got any suggestions for the people who haven't bought a gift yet?

The ‘be moved’ refers to the the DD, not the ex, which you would have understood if you had read my post properly. Made yourself look like a clown there didn’t you?

Their child is only 5, she can be moved to a 2 bed property or his Ed can fund the 4 bed house.

Umm, how can the 5 year old be moved to a 2 bedroom house without her mum? are you seriously trying to pretend that’s what you meant?

Ah, I see, you were suggesting he have the five year old move out on her own! Makes total sense now.

And I know you think he's 'almost saintly' for having his own kid 28% of the time (less the time lost from that on the occasions he doesn't pick her up when he's supposed to) and for paying what his 22 year old girlfriend describes as a "huge amount of maintenance", but fortunately the law disagrees with your slightly barking assertion that it's "totally reasonable" for NRPs to reduce maintenance to force their kids out of their homes and into a house of the size said NRP might deem fit. How much maintenance one is obliged to pay depends on one's own earnings, not the outgoings or lifestyle choices of the resident parent. Obviously you'll pay well over your legal obligation if you're what some people call 'almost saintly' and other people call 'a normal parent'.

firstly why is father day another one to become so huge and materialistic.the shelved dedicated to it in the shops is ridiculous.
next why is him being a did make him some sort of superdad.you mean hes being...a parent?wow

dad*

I don’t think your being unreasonable to peek I would have done the same. I wouldn’t get annoyed by it or remove it and replace with other gifts I’d just laugh it off with him. You know and he knows he’s a good dad and he’s been late to collect twice it’s hardly the crime of the century and these things happen. It’s life!
Suppose he can set it to 5am and put it outside her front door when she doesn’t have the little one ha ha joking x

To be honest, if I were her I would be pissed off too. And quite right he should see his child on his two days off. Maybe I have mis read your OP but you seem slightly resentful.