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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this petty father's Day gift from his ex?

374 replies

Alaurable97 · 13/06/2019 18:53

Hey so I'm really sorry if this is the wrong board, I kinda know I've been a bit naughty and I shouldn't have poked my nose in, but I did. My bad.

Anyway my partner's ex is not the nicest, I really don't like the way she treats my partner but hey I guess that's why they split up.

My partner bought her lovely mother's Day gifts, pandora charm, flowers and more (I'm not 100% sure, I didn't delve into asking him but was there with him when he bought the other two).

He works upwards of 60 hours a week, we have an 11 week old baby and on his only 2 days off we have his child from their relationship. She's only little bless her so of course she is very full on wanting to play (which is totally fine by us) but of course he doesn't get a break from work or the kids given the amount of hours he works to be able to support us and pay the huge amount of child maintenance he pays.

Anyways, I digress. A couple of mornings when he was supposed to get her, his alarm didn't go off because his phone did this weird thing all of a sudden where it turned itself off despite being charged.

I 100% understand her frustration because she had to get to work but I thought she'd be a little understanding given his situation. He was really apologetic to her and admitted to me that it was awful he wasn't there to collect her.

Anyways, for his birthday and Xmas she has bought him the same top x4 (2 each occasion) and I got a bit nosey and peeked in the gift bag she had given him to see if she'd done the same for father's Day and she has bought him an alarm clock!!!! I'm guessing this is relating to the two times his alarm didn't go off and he has now fixed the issue with his phone.

Am I being unreasonable to think this is petty and unkind? Despite the way she treats him he is always reasonable with her and I think that's just darnright spiteful of her.

Now I'm wondering, do I prewarn him? It's our sons first father's Day with him and I know he is going to be hurt and upset, I don't want his day to be ruined. I can really see that does his best for their child and in my mind nothing says 'you are a crap father' more than this gift!

I am dreading him opening his gift from her, I've gone and bought 11 gifts from our son to compensate but I don't think it's going to conceal the fact that his ex wants to upset him.

She is always doing things to belittle him and make him feel like crap but I think this is too far. What do you guys think?

Again, I know I was naughty to peek. Very nosey indeed.

OP posts:
MissReginaPhalange · 13/06/2019 21:02

You're moaning about his ex, but honestly you're not coming across very well here either.

MissReginaPhalange · 13/06/2019 21:04

Also the way you're describing your inability to mind your own business and excusing your behaviour is cringe.

I've said this three times today but damn, do people seriously not know how to mind their business and behave? Grow up OP. Unless you're asked to be involved, stay out it.

Cath2907 · 13/06/2019 21:08

I get my ex a gift from DD. He got a Cadbury gift box for £10 and a card (her choice). She is happy, I don’t really care what he thinks! Pandora bracelet is totally OTT. The alarm clock sounds funny to me. DD and I would buy him that if he had form for being late!

Original poster
Alaurable97 · 13/06/2019 21:09

@Antigon 9-9 is a good shift for him. He is normally working 9-11/12ish (he is the manager so sets the rota and has to do this to fit everything in).

Quite offended by some of the comments tbh saying she is a poor soul parenting alone. I am also parenting alone (practically) because he is constantly working and our son barely gets a look in because he gives her so much attention through fear that she will feel left out and unloved, so he's not the terrible father people on this post are making out he is.

To those that are interested, of course I have a bloody job. I am on maternity at the moment (if that's ok with you all?!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Alaurable97 · 13/06/2019 21:10

@Cath2907 thanks for honest advice much appreciated :)

OP posts:
eve34 · 13/06/2019 21:10

You are way over invested in their relationship. And if he is upset by the clock he needs to man up.

Ex does nothing to support our children to buy me gifts. I do not let that have an impact upon the children. How childish is that!

I make the token. Effort to support the children to get a card and small gift. Socks. Chocolate etc. It is what the children want to do. I would be fuming if he was a petulant child about the gifts.

I echo all what the others have said. It is good he is stepping up as a father you should be proud of that. It doesn't make him some kind of hero though. I work and have the kids. Besides a few hours eow. Like many other parents.

Tavannach · 13/06/2019 21:11

he pays quite a lot of extra money so that his ex can keep her 4 bed house when there is only two of them living there. He says it is because he doesn't want his baby to lose their family home which is really sweet and I adore him for that, but you perhaps you may see my frustration when she doesn't appreciate what he does do and makes digs at him when he is overtired doing lots of hours to keep that roof over their head. It was her house before they met and he wasn't added to he mortgage but he paid a lot into it.

This doesn't really make sense. If it was her house she presumably afforded it without him.
He paid towards expenses because he was living there.
If you have a baby he's doing lots of hours to support you and your baby as well.
He's paying towards the upkeep of their child, as he's required to do legally and morally..
His daughter will always be his child and you must come to terms with the fact that he must support her financially and emotionally. He wouldn't want it any other way.

MissReginaPhalange · 13/06/2019 21:11

Yea, you're ridiculous. Your most recent post confirms your insecurities and as someone else mentioned it's almost as if you're desperately trying to be better than his ex. How old are you OP? Are you some lovesick teenager?

Redglitter · 13/06/2019 21:14

You're being totally OTT. For one thing you have no idea how hell react to the present. He might appreciate it. Theres nothing to say itll ruin the say the way you think it will. Buying 11 presents is just ridiculous. It sounds like you're just trying some one upmanship.

codemonkey · 13/06/2019 21:14

This reply has been deleted

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MissReginaPhalange · 13/06/2019 21:14

Also can you stop praising your partner as if he's some superhero because he's doing what he should for the children he has created? This talk of how he's so great simply for doing the bear minimum is pathetic.

MotherOfDragonite · 13/06/2019 21:14

Honestly, if his phone does that then an actual working alarm clock sounds like a thoughtful and useful present.

(and... 11 gifts?!!)

KnickyKnackyNooNoo · 13/06/2019 21:14

If you're going to be offended, AIBU probably isn't the best place to post.

MissReginaPhalange · 13/06/2019 21:15

You sound like a passive-aggressive, competitive, over-invested nightmare.

I concur.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 13/06/2019 21:15

So he’s working 9am - 9pm so she can live in a 4 bedroom house?

Ha! Hardly. No-one believes for a second he is working 9-9 just to keep his ex in a 4 bed house (which she had bought and was paying for before he came along BTW so clearly doesn’t need him to pay for the house) he is working 9-9 because it clearly gives him the income he wants. Let’s not make out he is some work slave to his exes demands. He’s his own man.

AutumnCrow · 13/06/2019 21:17

Pandora charm = true fucking love, mate

MonkeyTrap · 13/06/2019 21:17

Well done MN for attacking a new mum having a down moment.

Why people can’t put their two pence in without being viscous I don’t know.

OP if i were you I’d step out of the thread. SM’s can seldom do anything right and neither can Dad’s. Q

Aprillygirl · 13/06/2019 21:18

The gift of an alarm clock is probably a bit of a joke, but considering your DP has let his ex and his child down twice recently I actually think it's quite a handy thing for him to have as a back up don't you?
I'm just wondering if the alarm on his phone has only done that 'weird little thing' of turning itself off on the mornings he was due to pick up his child, or has it happened on his work days too OP?

Lizzie48 · 13/06/2019 21:19

You sound like a passive-aggressive, competitive, over-invested nightmare. Your post literally made me shudder with dislike.

Look who's talking about being over invested?! How can you dislike someone you've never met? Confused

ILoveMaxiBondi · 13/06/2019 21:19

our son barely gets a look in because he gives her so much attention through fear that she will feel left out and unloved, so he's not the terrible father people on this post are making out he is.

Well I wouldn’t say he’s a terrible father but if his son isn’t getting a look in then he’s doing something very wrong. He needs to change that sharpish.

MissReginaPhalange · 13/06/2019 21:20

Well done MN for attacking a new mum having a down moment.

People are calling out her behaviour that she herself has described. No it's not unreasonable and she is coming across bad.

I don't see a "down" moment here, just someone who purposely refused to mind their own business and is trying to up their partner's ex.

I'm not sure what her being a mum has to do with this post at all?! Stop trying to excuse poor form.

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 13/06/2019 21:20

'She has one child, she does NOT need a 4 bed house. Their child is only 5, she can be moved to a 2 bed property or his Ed can fund the 4 bed house.'

Moved to a 2 bed property by who? She owns her house she's not going to give it up because her ex couldn't be arsed sticking around.

boobirdblue · 13/06/2019 21:21

So he’s working 9am - 9pm so she can live in a 4 bedroom house?

He wants the DC if 5 to stay in the family home?

Im assuming they've been split a couple of years as you were not the OW and you've a 11 week old.

So why is the ex and the other DC so much more important than you and your DC? No 3 year old understands "family home", the Mother's Day presents we're OTT for a couple together.

So you have a shit life if home working all those hours to provide for his ex? Somethings not right....

If he got the phone fixed ASAP why was he late twice and not once? And who the hell sleeps in with an 11 week old?

ReadMyLipss · 13/06/2019 21:22

I am also parenting alone (practically) because he is constantly working and our son barely gets a look in because he gives her so much attention through fear that she will feel left out and unloved

And then the real OP comes out like we all knew was there all along.....

m0therofdragons · 13/06/2019 21:24

She bought him an alarm clock? That's hilarious and brilliant. By the way, I work and have 3dc so on my 2 days off a week I don't get days off without dc either because they live with me permanently. You sound jealous tbh.

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