To think that this is a stupid reason to end a relationship over?

[Rainyday2019]

My DP and I don’t live together. I love him to bits, he’s everything I want in a man. we rarely argue, but lately we’ve been arguing over the same issue which is he that he sometimes don’t reply to my messages even though I can see he’s been online a few times, I told him how it makes me feel, but he keeps saying things like ‘sometimes I’ll read your message, and think I’ll reply in 10 mins but get caught up with something else or forget’. Like yesterday he had a friend round his house, he hasn’t seen this friend for a while so I understand he was busy spending time with this friend. We were texting right up until his friend arrived, so I sent him another text at 6pm, he came on WhatsApp at 7pm, read my text and ignored it. Then he came on at 8pm, 9pm and 10pm. Still didn’t reply, so at 10pm I texted him ‘ this is when I feel ignored and get upset’ with an upset emoji. He came back on WhatsApp at 11pm, didn’t even open my message or anything and that was that. AIBU to think that if you can come online every hour you can reply to a message? I know we’re going to talk later and he’s going to come up with a million excuses as to why he couldn’t reply. I’ll admit it wasn’t an important text, but it still hurts that he came online so often and ignored me, even though I sent him the text pointing out that he’s ignoring me and it upsets me. Sometimes I feel like maybe it’s my own fault, and I should stop texting him when I know he’s busy or doing something even though he’s online, and I also feel like this is a stupid reason to end a relationship over when everything else is perfect? We’ve talked about moving in together, and maybe things will get better once we live together I don’t know. Please help, don’t know what to do.

you're [sigh]

Just wanted to say how great it is that you have accepted the advice.
I'm a bit insecure and I'm working on it. I wish you luck and hope you can find some peace when he's busy.
Plus turn off the what's app last seen tripe

Poor bloke.
Give him some space or risk him going if his own accord.
I couldn’t be bothered with your sort of dramas from my own husband. Why are you trying to scare off this boyfriend?

Agree with PP here that its fab you have accepted the advice.

OH and I are WhatsAppers.

Quite often he wont reply to my texts immediately when he's at work. Quite often he'll reply to his mates before me.

Meh.

Doesn't bother me. He'll reply eventually. Try your best to let it go. It's not a reflection of how much he loves you or how much he prioritises you. It's just a messaging medium.

Can I suggest some meditation for your anxiety? It seriously helped me and really helped me put everything that happened in the day into perspective.

Yabu

So pleased to see you return OP and take on the advice of others.

You have zero control over what other people do or how they behave. You have 100% control of how you react to a situation or how you behave. Not only will you have him running for the hills but also letting these thoughts manifest in your head is really punishing yourself too.

Find a good podcast / youtube video/ blog/ audio book and turn it on when you are getting these thoughts. you can reprogram yourself. good luck (BBC Reel is a great source for this)

This is why I turn off my read receipts on iMessage and the ‘last seen’ thing on WhatsApp.

Clingy, sniffling etc is just another way to put women down and make them feel like they don't they have no right to demand what they want. Don't fall for this patriarchal bull.

Hmm. I agree with you up to a point. Women are socialised to be people pleasers and to put their own needs last. However, I don't think that's what is happening here. If my OH texted me to tell me off for not texting him for 4 hours I would be left feeling on edge and thinking he was being unreasonable. (I'd also wonder if someone had nicked his phone because he just isn't like that).

There are men out there that can give this to you. Don't settle for constant heartbreak. Watch 'He is just not that into you', its a movie.

It's a film in which the lead characters get it together in the end despite him not initially being all that into her, so not the best example! There may be men out there who will respond more promptly to texts but since the OP says that in all other ways her DP is great, I'm not sure it's a good idea to dump him for someone who might message more often but could be an arsehole.

when I'm with a friend, I always have my phone out, showing them what I've been up to, etc. If I see I have a message, I'll check, just in case someone has died or the house has caught fire. I may not respond to the messages, as I am with a friend, and that would be rude. Chances are, if I actually was to respond, it would continue a conversation, and I could spend the rest of the night texting - which would be rude. OP, one question - are you still thinking the word 'ignore' when you think about the unreplied to messages? 'Ignore' is so much harsher than 'hasn't replied yet', and it sounds a lot more blamey.

I think you are going to have to apologise to him. It’s pretty likely that he discussed the situation with his good friend last night following your snotty text, and his friend told him “GET RID!!”

I think that it would be an issue if the OP hadn't known that her DP was with an old friend who he hadn't seen in a long time. She knew that he wasn't chatting with friends online and ignoring her. Surely you wouldn't expect a text in those circumstances? It would in fact be quite rude to expect him to chat with her on WhatsApp when she knows that he's busy with a friend.

Another one who thinks you should back off. Why are you messaging him all of the time? Just get on with your own stuff and let him do his.

I often don't reply, either cos I read it and think I will reply later, or I'm doing other stuff or I'm busy chatting to others or I just cant be bothered to chat to that person right then. My family and friends do moan that I take ages but I cant keep up with the demands of constant interaction.

I would be very annoyed if someone was stalking me online. I had a friend do this to me, as soon as I went on line, messages would pop up all over wanting my attention and asking why I wasn't replying. She is now an ex friend, because of this.

Hope you take on board what people have said on this thread, and manage to follow it through.

I feel embarassed for you, you knew he was spending time with a friend.

If it were me and you sent me that message, I would tell you to fuck off

Have not RTFT

Use whatsapp as it is designed for: send messages when convenient, and he will reply WHEN CONVENIENT

So much easier than a phone call.
Time stamps are not accurate.
Nothing wrong in glancing at a new message to see if there's something urgent, and and replying in your own time.

Stalking and harassing someone is not great, you will make them run away. You need to find something to keep you busy and let him breath. You do need your own life if you want any hope to a healthy relationship.

You need to address your whiny/stalkerish/controlling tendencies, and do it fast. If this man has any sense or self respect he will run away, but if you bring the same behaviour to future relationships, the only man who doesn't run away will be someone as needy and fucked up as you sound, and two obsessive desperate losers together is a recipe for really dangerous, harmful situations.

You sound like hard work! You should back off a little, not just for his sake but for your own sanity. Let him instigate the contact for a change.

I feel insecure

I am very sorry for you and hope you do grasp that this is absolutely your issue to deal with. There is really nothing that someone else can do to boost your self esteem. Measuring your self worth by how quickly or how frequently someone replies to your messages is not a recipe for a happy and fulfilled life

You might find the work of Nathaniel Branden on self esteem very helpful.

https://books.google.co.uk/books?hl=en&lr=&id=0zsVGQ-45wC&oi=fnd&pg=PA11&dq=info:wkml9Hl9bPkJ:scholar.google.com/&ots=Fr8KccvJ1&sig=oLBKN2Q8oUcmvIJF9FW63krsb0#v=onepage&q&f=falsee*

https://scholar.google.co.uk/scholar?q=nathaniel+self+esteem&hl=en&assdt=0&asvis=1&oi=scholart#d=gsqabs&u=%23p%3Dwkml9Hl9bPkJJ*

Actually, OP, good on you for coming back to what has been a virtually unanimous thread and telling people that the message has sunk in.

So many OPs become even more defensive or flounce if their AIBU doesn't go the way they wanted, and I am really impressed that you have taken on board what everyone has said.

Many of us have spoken harshly, me included, and I apologise for that but sometimes we all need a metaphorical bucket of cold water!

I do hope things go well for you, not necessarily with this bloke or any other, but with your own anxiety. We can all get caught in spirals of negative thought and it takes a lot of work to break those cycles.

OP I used to be like that due to massive insecurities and anxiety, and it is good you have recognised that. You really need to go back to basics when trying to change this behaviour. It really is one step at a time. Reduce the times you are messaging for a start so that way you are not creating situations where he may not reply and you start down the stress spiral. It's hard but doable. You HAVE to be struct with yourself or you will not break that cycle. It would be shame to lose an otherwise good r'ship over this

Have not RTFT

Well it's not that long and you can highlight the OP's post to ensure you get the gist of what's happening. She has very graciously said it is her problem and she wants to change. Somewhat ironic really that you didn't bother reading what she'd put on here!

Ooh Belenus don't say anything critical to Vilanelle have you not seen what she's like?

Well done for listening, OP, and best of luck for the future of what sounds like a very promising relationship

Christ. I hope he doesn't own a pet rabbit.

Hi OP, at the start of my relationship I had to fight the same urges to interrogate over WhatsApp. I found the best solution is to hide your online/last seen. This means that you won't see anybody else's "last seen" and you can't obsess.

I’m another that thinks you need to apologise . You’ve taken onboard the advice on here - some of it kinder than others - the one person that really needs to know you’ve seen the light though , is your partner . Good Luck OP