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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is a stupid reason to end a relationship over?

203 replies

Rainyday2019 · 13/06/2019 09:43

My DP and I don’t live together. I love him to bits, he’s everything I want in a man. we rarely argue, but lately we’ve been arguing over the same issue which is he that he sometimes don’t reply to my messages even though I can see he’s been online a few times, I told him how it makes me feel, but he keeps saying things like ‘sometimes I’ll read your message, and think I’ll reply in 10 mins but get caught up with something else or forget’. Like yesterday he had a friend round his house, he hasn’t seen this friend for a while so I understand he was busy spending time with this friend. We were texting right up until his friend arrived, so I sent him another text at 6pm, he came on WhatsApp at 7pm, read my text and ignored it. Then he came on at 8pm, 9pm and 10pm. Still didn’t reply, so at 10pm I texted him ‘ this is when I feel ignored and get upset’ with an upset emoji. He came back on WhatsApp at 11pm, didn’t even open my message or anything and that was that. AIBU to think that if you can come online every hour you can reply to a message? I know we’re going to talk later and he’s going to come up with a million excuses as to why he couldn’t reply. I’ll admit it wasn’t an important text, but it still hurts that he came online so often and ignored me, even though I sent him the text pointing out that he’s ignoring me and it upsets me. Sometimes I feel like maybe it’s my own fault, and I should stop texting him when I know he’s busy or doing something even though he’s online, and I also feel like this is a stupid reason to end a relationship over when everything else is perfect? We’ve talked about moving in together, and maybe things will get better once we live together I don’t know. Please help, don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Annasgirl · 13/06/2019 10:35

There was a woman on here a few weeks ago and her DP was like you are - phone stalking her and getting angry when she didn't reply.

It was unanimous that he was abusive and she should dump him. If your DP came on here, I'd say the same to him.

burritofan · 13/06/2019 10:36

But how do someone explain coming online 5-6 times and still ignore my messages?
For heaven's sake! I pop into messaging apps all the time to see a message I've been sent – by people other than my partner – then close the app and go back to whatever I was doing. The end! No big drama or backstory or secret cheating or messaging other romantic prospects. Let the poor man breathe.

LadyRannaldini · 13/06/2019 10:36

Constant messaging is a form of stalking, were I him I would stop opening your messages, People survived for millennia without having electronic reins on their partner!

memoryfoampillow · 13/06/2019 10:37

Op it might help if you switch the settings on your WhatsApp so you can't see when messages are read and if someone is online. It will help with the over thinking. Possibly send less messages too, then you'll have something to chat about on the phone or when you see each other.
It sounds like you don't want to push him away and realise this is your issue so that's a good step.

Pgqio · 13/06/2019 10:37

In my youth it would have been the equivalent of staring at the landline phone all night, willing it to ring when you could have been out having fun with your pals.
I think modern life and smartphones have contributed massively to mental health issues, we never switch off anymore and it's sad.

Mintlegs · 13/06/2019 10:37

Don’t be needy, it’s not an endearing trait. Play it cool and happy. A lot of partners at the first sign of things like this will run a mile. Do it back to him on occasion. See if anything changes

ComeAndDance · 13/06/2019 10:37

Tbh I think the issue is that you have two very different ideas of what it means to keep in contact.

Some (married) couples are texting each other all day along. Think 50~60 texts a day. That’s what works for them.
Others never send a text to each other or call because they know they will each other in the evening so there is no need to text for trivia.

You seem to be more the first type and your bf more the second type.
There is nothing right or wrong about it but you need to have a chat wo pilling in the guilt or forcing anyone to behave the way they want.
So you can’t be pushing for him to reply instantly etc... buy playing the guilt and how you feel etc...
But nor can he just ignore you and how it makes you feel iyswim (very PA but just as manipulative).

Original poster
Rainyday2019 · 13/06/2019 10:38

I actually have a lot of sympathy for you op. I also think it's being driven by anxiety and when you're anxious you overthink everything and catastrophise.
WhatsApp can be a nightmare when you can see that someone has been online umpteen times and appears to be ignoring you in favour of chatting to someone else.
It would be better for you if you customised settings so you can't tell if he's there or not and send him fewer messages so he's more inclined to answer. Back off a little, if he's genuinely looking for a relationship with you, he'll be more attentive if you appear less needy.

Yes I do suffer from anxiety, and it's horrible. I can't let things go, and I take things way too personal. If someone does something significant small in most people's eyes, I can't let it go. I start thinking of thousands of reasons why they did that, instead of letting it go and not read too much into it.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 13/06/2019 10:38

But how do someone explain coming online 5-6 times and still ignore my messages?

He probably sees them and thinks "oh piss off" sorry

I'm not trying to be nasty but you sound way too much and needy. If you don't want to lose him stop being the real life version of overly attached girlfriend

To think that this is a stupid reason to end a relationship over?
HomeTheatreSystem · 13/06/2019 10:38

It's good to see you're taking on board what people have said and are going to try and address it. Make no mistake, this kind of behaviour doesn't leave him thinking " Oh bless, it's nice she loves me so much!" It is a total and utter turn off. I would apologise to him and let him know you've realised you've been unreasonable and that you're going to work on it.

You might just be in time to forestall him dumping you.

TixieLix · 13/06/2019 10:39

Just because your DP is going online, it doesn't mean he's replying to others. Maybe he receives a WhatsApp message and just opens it to see if it's anything urgent and closes it again without responding.

It's good that you're recognising that the issue is with you. You definitely need to work on your self esteem and expectations, because the way you're behaving at present will push your boyfriend away eventually.

Belenus · 13/06/2019 10:39

But how do someone explain coming online 5-6 times and still ignore my messages? To me it just looks like he's there to chat and reply to others, but not me. This friend is a childhood friend who lives in Yorkshire, we're in London. So he came all the way to see my DP, so I'm willing to let this one slide as he was probably busy being a good host to his friend.

Look at it from the friend's point of view - you travel for hours to see an old friend and instead of them concentrating on you, they spend ages texting their DP. I also agree with PP that the timings may be off. If it's showing him as being logged on every hour it may just be something in his settings. He may not be ignoring your messages but reading them and thinking he doesn't need to reply. Or he may not want to reply as he knows it will lead to ping pong and if he stops at any point you'll be upset because he's "ignoring" you.

Fair play for realising it's more your problem than his. It's not nice to feel ignored but I suspect he just doesn't get your need to be in touch so frequently. My OH is sometimes too busy to reply. I know he cares about me and would do anything for me if I needed him to. But we're both middle aged and just beyond that stage of needing frequent texts. This is insecurity on your side. On its own him not messaging you in meaningless. If it's part of a bigger picture of him not giving you time that's different.

cheeseislife8 · 13/06/2019 10:40

willing to let this one slide this would bother me. I'd be running scared if a DP was acting this way and checking my internet useage to be honest

scatterolight · 13/06/2019 10:40

You need to read about attachment theory. It seems like you have anxious attachment - www.psychalive.org/understanding-ambivalent-anxious-attachment/

Try and dial it down otherwise you're going to drive this guy away.

maimainomai · 13/06/2019 10:41

Disable the read mechanism on yours and you won’t be able to see whether others read it either (at least on WhatsApp).

It’s what I do. I’ll reply when I’ll reply. (Unless it’s urgent.)

woollyheart · 13/06/2019 10:41

It's good to hear that you aren't normally like this.

The beauty of messaging is that you can leave a message and other people pick it up when they have time to reply or to focus on it properly.

He could have dashed something back to keep you satisfied, but he was with a friend so his main attention was there. And an automatic message just to keep you quiet would also be a little insulting to you...

NauseousMum · 13/06/2019 10:42

Yabu. Maybe he's online to look something up, show something to someone or has higher priority messages to answer. I will sometimes leave regular chatty messages and respond to the less frequent messaging people or messages asking me something important.

If you are just chatting and getting upset over this then maybe you need to lower the frequency of chats as it sounds like you need a far greater pace then he, and turn off your last seen WhatsApp so it doesn't fuel you.

HulksPurplePanties · 13/06/2019 10:42

I don't think it's a silly reason to end the relationship at all. If you're this anxious and purposely sabotaging the relationship, then it's a sign you aren't ready to be in a relationship. You should end it and focus on your anxiety and getting rid of some of these insecurities so you aren't so controlling in your future relationships.

Eliza9919 · 13/06/2019 10:42

I think it's rude and disrespectful to ignore messages, when you have been online and obviously seen you have them. Not texting back for days is rude too.

NauseousMum · 13/06/2019 10:43

Have you had CBT for your anxiety OP, yo help with coping techniques?

whothedaddy · 13/06/2019 10:44

being in a relationship with a person does not mean you own them.
He is having an evening off with his friend. Leave him alone.

If a 'partner' sent me a message to make me feel guilty for not being in constant contact I'd purposefully refuse to reply. You knew his plan and you still tried to muscle in on his time with his friend. How very rude of you. Leave the poor bloke alone. Work on your own self worth. Controlling, needy and just too much work

ChequerBoard · 13/06/2019 10:44

It's not him, it's you.

Back right down, you are in the wrong here. I can't bear this 'I'm just not feeling special enough' crap.

Chloemol · 13/06/2019 10:44

You sound controlling, and I think you need to grow up. He’s entitled to see his friends, he doesnt have to respond to you all the time straight away, he does have other things to do. Stop being so demanding, or he may just walk, I know i would

whothedaddy · 13/06/2019 10:45

I'd also like to add. He has done absolutely nothing wrong. Your behaviour is appalling. You need to apologise.

Yes you may have your own reasons for behaving this way...but it is 100% not his fault. Do not expect him to fix you...it is not his responsibility

Pgqio · 13/06/2019 10:46

I can see it from both sides as I hate being ignored on WhatsApp and I sit there thinking "you saw my message 3 hours ago and you're online right now but still nothing"
BUT
I have a friend who is a lovely caring person but she bombards me with messages and I sometimes can't bear to get involved because I'll be pinging back and forth all night with pointless chat like "you ok Hun?"

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