To think that this is a stupid reason to end a relationship over?

[Rainyday2019]

My DP and I don’t live together. I love him to bits, he’s everything I want in a man. we rarely argue, but lately we’ve been arguing over the same issue which is he that he sometimes don’t reply to my messages even though I can see he’s been online a few times, I told him how it makes me feel, but he keeps saying things like ‘sometimes I’ll read your message, and think I’ll reply in 10 mins but get caught up with something else or forget’. Like yesterday he had a friend round his house, he hasn’t seen this friend for a while so I understand he was busy spending time with this friend. We were texting right up until his friend arrived, so I sent him another text at 6pm, he came on WhatsApp at 7pm, read my text and ignored it. Then he came on at 8pm, 9pm and 10pm. Still didn’t reply, so at 10pm I texted him ‘ this is when I feel ignored and get upset’ with an upset emoji. He came back on WhatsApp at 11pm, didn’t even open my message or anything and that was that. AIBU to think that if you can come online every hour you can reply to a message? I know we’re going to talk later and he’s going to come up with a million excuses as to why he couldn’t reply. I’ll admit it wasn’t an important text, but it still hurts that he came online so often and ignored me, even though I sent him the text pointing out that he’s ignoring me and it upsets me. Sometimes I feel like maybe it’s my own fault, and I should stop texting him when I know he’s busy or doing something even though he’s online, and I also feel like this is a stupid reason to end a relationship over when everything else is perfect? We’ve talked about moving in together, and maybe things will get better once we live together I don’t know. Please help, don’t know what to do.

I think it's rude and disrespectful to ignore messages, when you have been online and obviously seen you have them. Not texting back for days is rude too.

Not texting back for days can be rude if it's a text that obviously requires a reply. But the OP was chasing her boyfriend after 4 hours. That isn't healthy.

You sound insecure. I understand. Dh isn’t a big messager (is that even a word?) and when we first got together he rarely replied which was frustrating at times. I had to learn his personality though and realised he’s old school, and doesn’t like interacting via messages.

We’ve been together nearly 12 years now and he still rarely replies to messages unless urgent or he’s sharing news. It’s not something I ever hold against him; he’s a lovely dh, father. That’s more important. We talk on the phone everyday on his way back from work and we have evenings to discuss things.

I think you need to step away from the phone and give him space. If he’s perfect in every other way and you have no reason to suspect him then the problem is you, not him.

Stop texting him. Get a life. Let him worry what you’re doing.

Is there more to this op?

If this is what you need to be happy and he is not giving this to you, then you need to back off a little. I'm not saying break up but you can't change him and unlike others here, I don't think it is unreasonable to ask for what you need to be happy. Clingy, sniffling etc is just another way to put women down and make them feel like they don't they have no right to demand what they want. Don't fall for this patriarchal bull. There are men out there that can give this to you. Don't settle for constant heartbreak. Watch 'He is just not that into you', its a movie. Maybe he is just not that into you. If he was, you would be beating him off with a bat, trust me, I know. Hope this helps.

Ok maybe I have too high expectations

No, you need to get a life and stop checking time stamps. You sound weird and creepy and too intense. I'd hate this.

I'm willing to let this one slide
WTF? What do you mean?? All of MN has said you're being unreasonable...

If a bloke was doing this he'd be lynched.

You sound creepy as hell, leave the poor guy alone. I rarely answer messages, if at all tbh. If I want to talk to someone then I'll make time to actually speak to them.

I'm in the clear minority here but I think you have every reason to be feeling disappointed. We ALL have peculiarities and needs. One of your needs is to feel prioritised (not exactly a weird and unreasonable need). For relationships to be healthy and have longevity, we should understand the triggers our partners have and accommodate them (as long as it isn't some weird long protracted and unreasonable thing required). If I messaged Dh and he went online multiple times (and it is very easy to see when someone has been online - hardly stalking), and he didn't reply to any of my messages, I would be livid. Because it takes literally 5 seconds to reply. He knows this so he answers me. If he is busy, he might just say, 'busy Love' and then he will get back when he can. It takes NO TIME to reply. It is an uncaring act if he doesn't. It says 'I know you will be really upset but you know what, I don't really care enough to send a 5 second text. That is how unimportant you are to me'

He knows it upsets you yet he can not find a way to do the very small thing that would make you feel safe. There will no doubt be things he wants from you to feel good and happy. We all do, that's why we are in relationships - because we are happier in them than not. No relationship will be healthy unless both people work to make things right for their loved one. It is not their job to make you happy but if someone loves you, they WANT to make you happy. 27 years under our belt and I put that down to both of us knowing what the other needs and working to provide that. If it is too much like hard work to reply to a text, you have no hope as life will throw up far, far greater demands than replying to a text.

Imagine if a DP was texting you constantly when he knew you were busy, testing you on how long it took you to stop what you were doing and pay attention to him.

Would you find that attractive or reasonable? Or needy or controlling or irritating or pathetic?

I can't let things go, and I take things way too personal. If someone does something small in most people's eyes, I can't let it go. I start thinking of thousands of reasons why they did that, instead of letting it go and not read too much into it.

You're the only person who can change how you act. There are loads of resources out there on anxiety and how to stop the cycle of negative thoughts and dwelling on things.

Instead of obsessing about your bf being online, maybe look up a couple of sites and see if any of them help.

My advice:

• Apologise profusely to your boyfriend for your behaviour, admit that you have issues you need to work on. I would suggest stepping back a little from the relationship at this point, as you're clearly not equipped to be in a healthy relationship right now. But communicate and be honest with him.

• Get therapy to address your control issues, and only when you've made progress should you rekindle the relationship.

Honestly I'm surprised he hasn't run for the hills yet, but at least you're starting to recognise the problem here.

I'm so glad I came on here today, because I was ready to go all guns blazing when he woke up later and say ' you've been online 5 times last night and still ignored me' you guys have stopped that from happening 😂. I'm not even gonna be bothered with this ' why didn't you reply' shit, just won't text him when I know he's busy doing something EVEN if it means he's online, or will give him a quick call if it's urgent. Because this is just too stressful for me and him, and I can see it from his side. It's not nice having your online activity monitored and being bombarded with messages like ' you was online an hour ago and still didn't reply'. This is what makes him so amazing, he has put up with it even though it frustrated him. He always reassures me he loves me, but I'm more focused on why he was online 2 hours ago and didn't reply to my message 😂

It’s not funny though is not? I’m glad you’ve learnt the error of your ways. Stop looking st time stamps. Good way to do this is to turn off your own, so he can’t see yours and you can’t see his on WhatsApp.

You also need to realise that WhatsApp isn’t reliable as online. Mine as showing as me being online now but I haven’t opened WhatsApp, I’m just on my phone

poopypants
i am really glad things have worked out well for you. You’re confusing attentiveness with controlling behaviour. Op is stalking her partner. He is also allowed to prioritise himself at times to find balance. He is the most important person in his life and if he cannot have uninterrupted down time he will struggle to be the best partner to op.

This is about self care for both op and her partner. I totally agree with pps that this sounds anxiety based. He is pushing against her anxiety and she has come here and learnt that if she behaves differently, both his and her reactions will be different.

If this was the other way around the MN jury would have you calling the police and staying at your mums for safety.

Apologise to him for your behaviour, so he knows that you recognise that it's been out of order and promise not to do it any more. If you just stop contacting him for a while he could understandably think you're sulking and in a huff at him, otherwise, rather than that you've mended your stalkerish ways.

Is he attentive and committed in all other ways op. If you were confident in your relationship, you would have no need to stalk him on line .
Sometimes I find that that type of obsessiveness is a symptom of a lack of mutual feelings .
Could you imagine him stalking You on line if you were out with friends or is this one sided ?

This is why I read the message from the screen and not go to what's app. I used to not have the time stamp to avoid this. Sometimes you just don't feel like responding (or typing to humans in general).

That being said. It he always ignores you and never texts you back. That could be an issue. But texting back immediately especially if out somewhere then that's not an issuem

OP i really hope you do see things from a different perspective and not ruin your relationship because of this.

I am have just broken up with my finance because i have become suffocated and worn down with his constant anxiety and insecurities. We have been together nearly 3 years and i have done everything i can to show him he doesn't need to feel the way he does but nothing has worked and i literally can't do anymore.

You can see you have a problem with this please work on trying to sort it out and do yourself a favour and turn off your last seen on Whatapp so you don't stress about it.

I think it's rude and disrespectful to ignore messages, when you have been online and obviously seen you have them.

Actually, if you're meeting someone or in the company of others, I think it's rude to sit and play on your phone. I might glance at it to see that I've received a message, or even quickly open the message up to scan it, but I certainly wouldn't sit and compose a reply until there was an opportune moment (eg whoever I was with had gone to the loo etc).

But sounds like you've listened and got a good plan of action going forward OP

It's really not funny.

Your behaviour is actually controlling, fuelled by your insecurity.

Your partner is entitled to enjoy time to himself and not feel he must check in with you. I suspect he's not replying because he knows you expect a full blown back-and-forth conversation.

You'll ruin the relationship if you don't address your own self esteem and insecurity. It's not fair on your DP to 'put up with' such needy behaviour.

You were checking up on him online for FOUR HOURS? Even if it was on and off, it was still a dreadful waste of your evening. You need to look for other ways to occupy yourself so you're not so reliant on fairly pointless communications all the time.

I ended up blocking a guy I met online over this. He would constantly call and message, demanding a reply, when he knew I was with my friends. I found it really stifling and just couldn’t deal with that. I will occasionally go online when I’m with friends (eg to google something, or check who a message is from, and that it isn’t urgent) but wouldn’t reply to non urgent stuff. Sorry op, yabu.

So pleased you've taken the comments on board OP. Definitely seek out some help to cope with your anxiety, plus it shows your BF your trying to deal with it too. Your GP might be able to signpost you to help?

I catatrophise, so tend to think the worst in every situation, so I do understand how you can get into a bit of a mental spiral with things. I find talking with a trusted friend, who can give me the other side, is helpful in balancing me out.

Regarding last night, his friend came a long way to visit and if I was his friend, I'd be a bit annoyed at him responding to non-urgent messages to his GF. I'm pretty old school, but I think using a phone in company is rude and should be avoided unless urgent. Therefore he might have quickly glanced at his messages, realised that an immediate response wasn't needed and parked until later.

I do hope you can improve your anxiety. Best of luck OP