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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that this is a stupid reason to end a relationship over?

203 replies

Rainyday2019 · 13/06/2019 09:43

My DP and I don’t live together. I love him to bits, he’s everything I want in a man. we rarely argue, but lately we’ve been arguing over the same issue which is he that he sometimes don’t reply to my messages even though I can see he’s been online a few times, I told him how it makes me feel, but he keeps saying things like ‘sometimes I’ll read your message, and think I’ll reply in 10 mins but get caught up with something else or forget’. Like yesterday he had a friend round his house, he hasn’t seen this friend for a while so I understand he was busy spending time with this friend. We were texting right up until his friend arrived, so I sent him another text at 6pm, he came on WhatsApp at 7pm, read my text and ignored it. Then he came on at 8pm, 9pm and 10pm. Still didn’t reply, so at 10pm I texted him ‘ this is when I feel ignored and get upset’ with an upset emoji. He came back on WhatsApp at 11pm, didn’t even open my message or anything and that was that. AIBU to think that if you can come online every hour you can reply to a message? I know we’re going to talk later and he’s going to come up with a million excuses as to why he couldn’t reply. I’ll admit it wasn’t an important text, but it still hurts that he came online so often and ignored me, even though I sent him the text pointing out that he’s ignoring me and it upsets me. Sometimes I feel like maybe it’s my own fault, and I should stop texting him when I know he’s busy or doing something even though he’s online, and I also feel like this is a stupid reason to end a relationship over when everything else is perfect? We’ve talked about moving in together, and maybe things will get better once we live together I don’t know. Please help, don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
PrayingandHoping · 13/06/2019 09:59

You were out of order

You knew he had a friend over and was busy and yet you expect him to pay you attention?

Let him breathe and have time to himself. If he's busy leave him alone unless it's really urgent!!

Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 13/06/2019 10:00

I think I would ignore messages from someone I felt was effectively stalking me. Can you have a think about why you are acting like this? Are you insecure about other things?

Bookworm4 · 13/06/2019 10:00

Imagine you don’t have access to WiFi, would you be phoning him every hour? You knew he had a visitor but your awaiting a reply, get a hobby, chill out ffs

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 13/06/2019 10:00

I think the bloke must be mad to even consider moving in with you.
Does he know that you make note and monitor when he is online?
If a woman was posting that her boyfriend was monitoring her online presence she would be told it was a red flag.

Rainyday2019 · 13/06/2019 10:01

I'm 29, so not 'young young'. Ok maybe I have too high expectations, I'll admit that. But how do someone explain coming online 5-6 times and still ignore my messages? To me it just looks like he's there to chat and reply to others, but not me. This friend is a childhood friend who lives in Yorkshire, we're in London. So he came all the way to see my DP, so I'm willing to let this one slide as he was probably busy being a good host to his friend.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 13/06/2019 10:01

I’d find the demanding replies and checking when I was online stifling.

Thankfully my DH knows that when I lift my phone up or I’m googling something I sometimes open the wrong app, or if I’m with friends we could be discussing a night or the likes so jump on WhatsApp to let one of the group who isn’t there know about it.

You know he’s catching up with a friend he hasn’t seen for ages so why message him? It’s setting him up to fail so you can send him the sad face text.

Hahaha88 · 13/06/2019 10:01

@Rainyday2019 turn off the ability to see when someone's been online. It causes unnecessary anxiety. And stop messaging him when you know he's busy, clearly he's not going to reply then. Maybe stop being on your phone so much too. It's unhealthy the way you're being and yes ywbu to end a relationship over this

@Scorpvenus1 I talk to others over my oh sometimes. It doesn't mean I don't love him or I'm cheating if that's what you're getting at. But if I only have 30 secs and he's messaged me and someone else has and his isn't important but the other is , if course I'll reply to the other and leave his for when I have more time. As I would expect him to do if the roles were reversed.

People don't need to be at someone's beck and call. It's ok not to instantly reply to people.

Treaclesweet · 13/06/2019 10:02

You need to get a life mate

PutyourtoponTrevor · 13/06/2019 10:02

Why are you messaging so often?

NightKing · 13/06/2019 10:02

My boyfriend is a bit like this with messages. I text him yesterday morning, nothing important just a good morning checking in text and he didn’t reply till later in the evening. I’d seen he’d been on Facebook a couple of times - not checking just noticed the last seen on the chat pop up box. However he was also working night shift last so was sleeping/ getting things ready for work most of the day so he doesn’t reply to me until he has more time to have a conversation later on. Could this be the same reason for you? He’s waiting till he’s not too busy to actually talk to you rather than just send one message when it sounds like you already knew what he was doing?

Gomyownway · 13/06/2019 10:03

Stop checking time stamps. It’s possessive and slightly creepy.

You’re going to drive him away.

Mummyshark2018 · 13/06/2019 10:03

Back off and grow up. Seriously you're online stalking him. Unless there's a genuine question to be answered or an emergency then I would not expect a response, especially when you know he's busy with someone. Don't you think it would be rude if he's sitting with a mate replying to pointless messages from you- just to keep you off his back?

CripsSandwiches · 13/06/2019 10:03

YABU it takes much less time to read a message than to send out a response. I can sympathise with your DP. I'm the kind of person who hates being interrupted when I'm doing something. I might well read a message (usually just to check it isn't something urgent) but I don't want to reply straight away unless it's time critical - it's just distracting and would disturb the flow of whatever I was doing. Likewise if you're hanging out with a friend it takes a second to see your messages but much more time and energy to think of something to say and write out a response.

Bookworm4 · 13/06/2019 10:04

I'm willing to let this one slide
How gracious of you! If you keep this up he will run for the hills, why do you need attention so much? If it’s a trivial msg does it really need a reply? I got a sore head reading your post. Maybe he’s fed up with your msgd, cool it it a bit.

BlueSkiesLies · 13/06/2019 10:04

Yikes

You need to back off, poor guy! Find a hobby that isn’t stalking when he’s been online!

If you need an instant reply, where does it end? You message, he replies instantly, you reply instantly, he replies instantly and loop.

bibliomania · 13/06/2019 10:05

In his shoes, I'd break up with you. My sympathies are entirely with him on this.

PrayingandHoping · 13/06/2019 10:05

Blimey does it matter why he came online and didn't reply? Maybe other people were messaging him and he was quickly reading their messages.... maybe he was showing his friend a message someone had sent them... maybe someone else did message him and it WAS actually urgent to reply to! there are loads of reasons!

You shouldn't "let it slide" it shouldn't be a problem at all! He hadn't done anything wrong!!! He had a friend who lives a long way away visit him.

FartMachine · 13/06/2019 10:05

If it’s WhatsApp it’s not particularly accurate about when you’re last online anyway. Mine always says I’ve been active whenever I’m using my phone, even if I’m not actually in WhatsApp.

But seriously, you need to chill out. I’d feel really stressed if I expected to read and reply to messages as soon as I get them. Especially if I’d already told the sender I was doing something else. Messaging him to tell him you’re upset is a bit dramatic too. I think any problems you have in relationships need to be spoken about face to face. In a message it’s so easy to misunderstand exactly what the other person means.

It was a few hours when he’d already told you he was busy with a friend. If he’s really your perfect man then you need to back off or he’ll find someone else. But if you genuinely want to split up with him because he doesn’t immediately reply to messages then it’s a clear sign you’re not that into him.

ChimesAtMidnight · 13/06/2019 10:05

I'm willing to let this one slide ... says it all right there.

aPengTing · 13/06/2019 10:05

You’re 29?!Shock

You don’t have high expectations, you’re very controlling.

If he was my friend I’d be advising him to dump you ASAP.

aPengTing · 13/06/2019 10:06

so I'm willing to let this one slide as he was probably busy being a good host to his friend

This sounds like abuser speak.

FartMachine · 13/06/2019 10:06

It’s not about letting him off just this once. His behaviour is completely normal and acceptable, it’s your behaviour that you need to change.

Felyne · 13/06/2019 10:06

Don't move in with him. It will make your inevitable eventual breakup so much more complicated. Which one of you is thinking about ending the relationship (as per thread title)?

woollyheart · 13/06/2019 10:07

You are being very inconsiderate. Trying to distract him when he is doing something else.

Yes, it could be a reason to end it if you can't control yourself from feeling that he must contact you every hour.

Why don't you try turning your phone off and doing something yourself....

lyralalala · 13/06/2019 10:07

But how do someone explain coming online 5-6 times and still ignore my messages?

Messaging a mutual friend of the friend he is with. Checking details for something they are discussing. Showing him a message sent by someone else. Showing him a “wait til you see this, as soon as she sees I’m online she’ll message”....

Tbh if my DH knew I was with a friend and was messaging in a way that demanded reply I’d be so pissed off I wouldn’t reply until I was calmer.

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