To think that this is a stupid reason to end a relationship over?

[Rainyday2019]

My DP and I don’t live together. I love him to bits, he’s everything I want in a man. we rarely argue, but lately we’ve been arguing over the same issue which is he that he sometimes don’t reply to my messages even though I can see he’s been online a few times, I told him how it makes me feel, but he keeps saying things like ‘sometimes I’ll read your message, and think I’ll reply in 10 mins but get caught up with something else or forget’. Like yesterday he had a friend round his house, he hasn’t seen this friend for a while so I understand he was busy spending time with this friend. We were texting right up until his friend arrived, so I sent him another text at 6pm, he came on WhatsApp at 7pm, read my text and ignored it. Then he came on at 8pm, 9pm and 10pm. Still didn’t reply, so at 10pm I texted him ‘ this is when I feel ignored and get upset’ with an upset emoji. He came back on WhatsApp at 11pm, didn’t even open my message or anything and that was that. AIBU to think that if you can come online every hour you can reply to a message? I know we’re going to talk later and he’s going to come up with a million excuses as to why he couldn’t reply. I’ll admit it wasn’t an important text, but it still hurts that he came online so often and ignored me, even though I sent him the text pointing out that he’s ignoring me and it upsets me. Sometimes I feel like maybe it’s my own fault, and I should stop texting him when I know he’s busy or doing something even though he’s online, and I also feel like this is a stupid reason to end a relationship over when everything else is perfect? We’ve talked about moving in together, and maybe things will get better once we live together I don’t know. Please help, don’t know what to do.

I'm willing to let this one slide

So You are winding us up? You peaked far too early with that line.

To me it just looks like he's there to chat and reply to others, but not me. - does that upset you? That he may have other people that he replies to, but not you? Wouldn't you say that you were trying to control who he replies to? and how soon?

You are a lot older than I thought. A 19 Yo in her first relationship, trying desperately to hang onto her 'man' - yes. 29? No.

Back right off. Someone checking on me, whining about not getting a reply to a complete innocuous message, controlling who I spend my time with and how?

• you'd be dumped and fast.

So he came all the way to see my DP, so I'm willing to let this one slide as he was probably busy being a good host to his friend.

Letting it slide suggests he was in the wrong still. He wasn’t.

Christ, I hope he sees sense and ends it.
Willing to let this one slide

The reason he didn't answer is probably because then you would send another one and then he would have to answer again and again and again. I have friends that I sometimes ignore because I know they are not satisfied with one reply but needs a whole conversation. I think you were being out of order expecting him to be with you on text when he is clearly busy with his friend.

@lyralalala is probably right. He might have been showing his friend how persistent and annoying you are....

Stop stalking his internet usage.

Turn the function off.

You need to accept that if someone wants to be with you they will be. You need to decide whether what they offer is enough. You can't and shouldn't control their actions. You can only control your response.

Carry on like this and you'll almost certainly drive him away. If he puts up with it then it'll be a very unhealthy relationship and I question his boundaries.

But how do someone explain coming online 5-6 times and still ignore my messages?

I think the question should be, how do you explain someone who is constantly checking on WhatsApp to see when someone was last active?

In order to know he was on WhatsApp 5-6 times you must have been on it checking his specific movements at least 5-6 times too in order to know exactly what times he was on.

That's sort of stalkerish behaviour.

@aPengTing I was thinking that too. Very controlling.

Can you not see how ridiculous you are? You sound like a teenager, not a grown woman.
How on earth would you have coped before all this technology was invented?

You need to find your own life and stop begging a man to take notice of you, it's truly pathetic.
If I were him I would dump you as fast as it takes to send a Whats App message. Do something useful with your time instead of being the online monitor!

You're being too needy. And how did you know he was online at 7, 8, 9, etc?? Were you checking on him constantly?

I know how irritating it feels to have your text ignored, but...you sound too much and maybe that's why your bf was ignoring you.

You sound like a nightmare and I would be running, far far away.

Oh dear you sound very needy. I went out for a meal yesterday with an old friend, who I’ve not seen for ages. Received a few texts and what’s app messages from dp, mil and friends. I clicked on each one to make sure there wasn’t an immediate crisis or emergency that needed a response/phone call/ me to go home. But would never be so rude to my friend to be responding to other people’s messages when I was enjoying her company.
We have lots of mutual friends and I went on WhatsApp to show her pictures that they had sent to me or to read our funny anecdotes.
If dp was as possessive as you he could have tracked the times I was online and took that as I was ignoring him. He would never do that as we are adults.

You come across as very needy. I read messages if I'm on the go all the time and reply to them later. He was busy with his friend.

Who is ending the relationship. You didn't say. Him or you?

Rainy the ability to easily communicate thanks to the existence of text/WhatsApp can be a good thing but it can also have it's downsides. Think about it - you believe that simply because you've chosen to send a message when you felt like it, he must a) read it within what you deem a reasonable period and b) respond to it within what you deem a reasonable period.

It's fine to send messages but it's not ok to insist that people must engage with you on demand. You said yourself it wasn't particularly important and you knew he had plans yet you've created a situation where he's basically been set up to fail! Not only are you messaging but then you're constantly checking how often he's been on line and the only way he can appease you is to reply on demand. Which would no doubt result in another message from you!

I'm sorry but I do see this as very demanding and needy. It's unnecessary and you are creating an issue where there isn't one. Not everybody wants to be in constant contact just because technology allows it, some of us find it a bit invasive and would find a partner or friend who behaves as you do smothering.

If he kept replying to messages from friends while talking with you, you would think that rude. You will lose him through your possessiveness.

I know I probably should back off a bit, it's very stressful for me. And I have the tendency to overthink a lot, so when he doesn't reply and ignore me, instead of making excuses for him and thinking ' maybe he's doing this or that and can't reply now' I just start to think he doesn't give a shit about me and that's why he's not replying. I feel insecure and this is probably something I need to work on

That is very controlling. It could be the case that he was simply online because someone else messaged him and he simply read it, like he did with you. If he's with a friend then he'll be talking to him, not typing messages on his phone, which would actually be rude.

I went out for a drink with a friend yesterday evening; she would have had a good reason to be miffed with me if I'd spent the time exchanging texts with my DH.

Arrange to meet up with one of your friends maybe?

I guess you didn't expect these responses op. Has your dp or previous ones, ever said anything similar? How are you feeling now?

He's amazing in so many ways, and this is the only 'problem' we have. I don't want to lose him. You guys have made me realise it's not him, it's me. I only came on here to get someone else perspective on it. I have a lot to work on. Thank you

But how do someone explain coming online 5-6 times and still ignore my messages?

He wanted to show his mate some pictures from WhatsApp? He saw he had messages and wanted to check there was nothing pressing? He needed to ask a mutual friend something?

The point is there was really no need for him to message you during that evening - he was busy doing something else. You should have been happy to wait for a message or call when he was free. He shouldn't have to justify his every second as an excuse for not messaging you on your decided time frame. Anyone would find that claustrophobic.

You come across like a stalker and it sounds like he's trying to back away from you. I doubt this relationship will last.

I think you need to relax a little, as a lot of pps have said, he's probably busy and getting caught up doing other stuff, so like he has said, he's read it, or seen that he has the message and then just forgets about it because once you close the app, out of sight out of mind. I'm that bad sometimes, I have unread message I've told myself I'll get back to shortly, and I've still not even opened them a week later...

You really don't need to be in constant or regular contact with people throughout the day. Are you working or do you have any hobbies to keep yourself occupied?
Do you message friends and expect replies from them in the same fashion, i.e instantly or are you not as fussed if they read/come online and don't read your message? Because if you're not expecting them to reply like you do him maybe consider exercising that mindset with him too?