To think that this is a stupid reason to end a relationship over?

[Rainyday2019]

My DP and I don’t live together. I love him to bits, he’s everything I want in a man. we rarely argue, but lately we’ve been arguing over the same issue which is he that he sometimes don’t reply to my messages even though I can see he’s been online a few times, I told him how it makes me feel, but he keeps saying things like ‘sometimes I’ll read your message, and think I’ll reply in 10 mins but get caught up with something else or forget’. Like yesterday he had a friend round his house, he hasn’t seen this friend for a while so I understand he was busy spending time with this friend. We were texting right up until his friend arrived, so I sent him another text at 6pm, he came on WhatsApp at 7pm, read my text and ignored it. Then he came on at 8pm, 9pm and 10pm. Still didn’t reply, so at 10pm I texted him ‘ this is when I feel ignored and get upset’ with an upset emoji. He came back on WhatsApp at 11pm, didn’t even open my message or anything and that was that. AIBU to think that if you can come online every hour you can reply to a message? I know we’re going to talk later and he’s going to come up with a million excuses as to why he couldn’t reply. I’ll admit it wasn’t an important text, but it still hurts that he came online so often and ignored me, even though I sent him the text pointing out that he’s ignoring me and it upsets me. Sometimes I feel like maybe it’s my own fault, and I should stop texting him when I know he’s busy or doing something even though he’s online, and I also feel like this is a stupid reason to end a relationship over when everything else is perfect? We’ve talked about moving in together, and maybe things will get better once we live together I don’t know. Please help, don’t know what to do.

Oops you've just answer some of my question. Have your partners ever complained about your controlling requests?

These are not "high standards," please don't tell yourself that everyone here thinks differently to you because they settle for less, that's just not true.

You need to have better boundaries, and learn to respect his. He was busy, why did you spend your evening stalking him on line instead of actually doing something with you time? If he is with you, in person, how do you feel about him replying to messages from his friends, mum etc?

Either it is about you thinking everyone must always reply to messages (when does it stop) or you feeling you must always be prioritised over everyone else, which is it? You really think he should have been rude to his friend, who traveled to see him, because you sent him a pointless, attention seeking,message?

OP, is your partner an introvert? I am firmly in the introvert camp; I enjoy messaging friends and family but sometimes I find receiving more than a couple of messages a little overwhelming as it begins to feel like the expectation of a full on conversation.
If I start to feel too drawn into a conversation, or receive a message from someone who always replies quickly, I tend to read the message and come back to it later when I've had time to think. Its nothing against the person I'm talking to, I just find strings of more than 2-3 messages quite intense.
Remember that people who are introverted get energy from having breaks from socialising and spending time alone, unlike extroverts who get their energy from socialising and being around others.

Maybe give your partner some slack, we all socialise differently and it doesn't sound like he is deliberately trying to offend you.

Good God how on earth did we manage to have relationships before all this instant messaging/txting stuff?

Spending time apart doing your own thing or at work without being checked up on was the 'norm'.

Why do people now need to be constant in touch with thier bf/partner, checking up on them, worrying because they didn't reply instantly? It must be exhausting.

You see so many threads on here saying "I txt my bf 25 times today at work/out with friends yet he only replied once. Is he having an affair/doesn't love me anymore/ignoring me cos he is a git"? Seriously get a grip leave him alone!

Nobody needs constant inane chatter interrupting their day no matter what they are doing.

If i was having a nice time with a friend it would really fecking annoy me if my phone kept going off with messages from my oh. I am entitled to spend time doing what I want to do without constant interupptions or being checked up on.

Oh OP, I hope this thread has helped as you clearly do have issues to work on. You come across as very needy, intense and frankly, a bit scary. I am surprised he has put up with things.

Sorry but it's another YABU.

I'd find it really annoying if my partner expected me to reply to messages quickly. BTW It's stupid to think that moving insight solve your problems - if this type of thing is already bothering both of you then moving in together would be stupid.

Often I'll read texts and messages that come in through the day, and then reply to them all later in the day when I have time. (Unless it's urgent, obviously).

It sounds like he was busy with his friend, and therefore read messages, but didn't respond to any. Surely it would be rude to be sitting there responding to other people when you are spending precious time with a good friend?

From what you have written, it sounds like this constant need to receive prompt responses is affecting your life and health. How do you manage to concentrate at work if you are messaging him and checking to see when he has been on line? Is your performance at work suffering? From what I can see you spent your whole evening checking up on him - you could have been doing something enjoyable, relaxing or useful with that time, which would have boosted your mood.

Can I ask how your previous relationship ended, and how that person treated you?

This almost sounds like the beginning of coercive control, which is a serious matter, and now a criminal offence. I think you need to seriously look at whether you are able to be in a relationship at present, and seek some counselling/therapy to address these issues.

Well done OP for hearing the feedback (which I agree with) I think working on your insecurities and anxiety about being unlovable would be a great plan.

Looks like he is inconstant contact with you and then you expect him to continue this when he is with others . It is needy and unattractive but I wonder what the level of your commitment is? Are you a time filler? Does he always ignore you when with others and do you ignore him when busy?

Oops you've just answer some of my question. Have your partners ever complained about your controlling requests?

Not really. I'm not fussed if a friend or family member don't reply to my messages, I just wait. I'm only like this with him, I don't know why. Had it not been for me coming on here and reading your responses, I'd have called him today and complained about why he for the umpteenth time ignored my messages. I feel like an arse to be honest 🙈. I'm not even going to bring it up when we talk later, just pretend like nothing and ask how his evening was with his friend. You have all made me see things in a different way, I can't thank you enough.

It's good to hear that the thread has helped give you some perspective. Please don't let your insecurities destroy your relationship. Needy, insecure, controlling and jealous people usually end up pushing partners away. Thats the last thing you want.

Sorry I read it as if a friend has complained about my behaviour. To answer your question, yes DP has complained about it before, saying he sometimes gets caught up with things but I just never understood why he kept coming online if he was busy doing stuff. But it doesn't matter now, I won't read too much in to it. Anyone who suffers from overthinking know how it is, everything gets analysed and it's stressful

instead of making excuses for him and thinking ' maybe he's doing this or that and can't reply now

It might be helpful to stop thinking of these as "excuses" and start thinking of them as perfectly valid reasons why he's not checking or replying to your messages. Other people aren't responsible for your insecurities or tendency to overthink. You need to start addressing these because if this is the sort of thing that would make you consider ending an otherwise good relationship then you've got a problem.

OP you sound like you've taken the advice on this thread on board. While I agree with PP that YABU I don't think it's that unusual to be insecure and a bit clingy in relationships. The important thing is that you recognise when your behaviour is becoming unreasonable and take steps to address it. Make sure this relationship doesn't become too much of a focus. If you know he's busy make sure you make your own plans (even if it's just watching a film or reading a book).

willing to let this one slide

Jeez

Calm down and stop overthinking things. Don't focus all your attention on him, your acting like a love sick puppy waiting for him to give you some attention, it will drive him away, it's suffocating.
Do your own thing, like he's doing his, find a hobby or go out with friends so your not sat waiting on his every text or call. Don't ever let a man he your be all and end all, it never ends well!

HE probably doesn’t reply because he knows that if he does it will generate another message from you which he will then have to reply immediately to and repeat. He is waiting until a time where he can dedicate to talking to you and you have brought this situation on yourself tbh. He has been forced to do that because he can’t just reply and move back to what he was doing you expect immediate replies so if you send him 50 messages he needs to reply 50 times when does it stop?
You’d hate me while I try to reply I’ll often take a look at something judge whether it’s important and if not go back to it when I have more time. It’s the joy to messaging you can reply at your own convenience.

Back off or he'll dump you. No one could put up with this amount of neediness.

I actually have a lot of sympathy for you op. I also think it's being driven by anxiety and when you're anxious you overthink everything and catastrophise.
WhatsApp can be a nightmare when you can see that someone has been online umpteen times and appears to be ignoring you in favour of chatting to someone else.
It would be better for you if you customised settings so you can't tell if he's there or not and send him fewer messages so he's more inclined to answer. Back off a little, if he's genuinely looking for a relationship with you, he'll be more attentive if you appear less needy.

OP, in the kindest way possible, get a hobby that isn't staring at whatsapp waiting for someone to come online.

There's no way you can have a healthy relationship with this mindset.

Good to know that we have helped you. In my day it was waiting for love letters.

My DP does this. He simply gets distracted very easily and doesn't intend to ignore or upset anyone. Just try not to send him loads of texts when you know he's out or busy and ask him to text you when he's free.

Some people need constant reassurance that their relationships is fine, and rely on constant contact in order to do that (OP), some people are very comfortable in a relationship and don't feel the need to be constantly chatting (partner). I don't think you're super compatible to be honest. He's not going to change, you need to chill or get rid.

You can't expect someone to spend their whole evening texting you.
Those aren't "high expectations" as you said somewhere in the thread, they are unrealistic expectations.

Could you perhaps organise a quick 10min call before bed each night to help you feel less 'ignored'?

I think it would also be kind to tell him that are sorry for being so demanding if you want to continue this relationship. Controlling/abusive people struggle to see the faults in their behaviour so if you want to nip this in the bud step up and apologise. He will probably feel relieved too!

I'm not even going to bring it up when we talk later, just pretend like nothing and ask how his evening was with his friend.

Or you could apologise and tell him you’ve realised you were out of line instead of brushing it under the carpet.

Just make sure you mean it.