Am I stuck up, or is colleague rude?

[Iltavilli]

I changed career last year, and am on a training programme for a challenging new role, which I take quite seriously.

The new job is in a highly regulated environment - which I’m used to - and o approach it as such. A colleague, also on the development programme, is far more informal. He’s happy to chat all day about tv, primarily programme I simply don’t watch (talent shows, love island, etc), given I’m more of a going to gigs and sports person, so we have little in common.

There was a meeting last week where I used a word he seemed not to understand. It’s wasn’t a complex word, but the most suited to the context. As he asked what it meant I explained. They then mocked me for using it. He’s a jokey person but this was mockery in front of others and felt mean.

I should note, he’s well educated (degree etc), but it isn’t the first time. He’s told me to “stop being so middle class” before - I’m not, parents grew up on council estates, dad a factory labourer till he retired.

So who is BU?

TatianaLarina
Both of them would probably irritate me at work. Him with his need to mock and engage in 'banter' and the impression the OP gave me of someone quite nice but probably a bit aloof.

The point being that assuming he's jealous, insecure, feels threatened etc without considering that people who are 'just explaining' can actually be patronising risks missing the potential that there's two people here who don't get on, are very different and probably it's a bit of both.

You’d probably irritate me, so what? Aloof is fine, mocking bantz and TV talk is just annoying.

And that's fine. Aloof wouldn't annoy you. But it does other people. Most of us just get on with it and rub along with people who are similar and different. Clearly in the OP there's 2 people who aren't rubbing along well.

They've asked if they could have come across as stuck up and some of us have said yes, some have said no. It's worth a bit of reflection then in terms of how they work with this person. Just like if someone came on saying 'I'm having a laugh but I'm not sure someone appreciated the banter' some would say they're fine, others would find the banter annoying, but it would probably be a good take away to think about how they are interacting with specific colleagues.

I'm disappointed. Was hoping for 'dichotomous' or 'egregious '...

You might find aloof difficult, but it’s not actively rude. Mocking someone in a meeting in front of others is rude and unnecessary.

He sounds annoying, arrogant and young They both do. I retrained as a teacher at 40 and had 20 yr old colleagues. They were exhausting always trying to bring each other down.

TatianaLarina
I don't so much find it difficult as I don't understand why anyone would want to go through the workplace looking down on others, wanting to present themselves as somehow better on trivial matters etc.

derxa
I agree. It sounds like two people on a programme who don't really get on but want to score points against each other. It's quite childish.

That’s not what aloof means Lola

And anyway, no evidence OP is aloof, simply that she doesn’t like reality TV.

I would argue making it clear that you have zero interest I what others are talking about is aloof, especially if when talking about a situation the focus is on how they talk about things you couldn't possibly have an interest in.

I'm not interested in reality TV. It's never crossed my mind to comment on how demanding my job is and how seriously I take my job, compared to a colleague who is very informal and likes to talk about reality TV. It's very much a slightly stuck up attitude, intentionally or otherwise.

They're clearly very different people, probably both perfectly nice, but from the situation it sounds like both have some learning to do with regards to getting on with others in the workplace.

The word “key”as used in that context is workplace jargon. I’m very surprised he was baffled by it.

In your pp you argued that you didn’t find ’it’ [ie a colleague being aloof] ’difficult’, but -

‘I don't understand why anyone would want to go through the workplace looking down on others, wanting to present themselves as somehow better on trivial matters etc’

That’s not what aloof means. We can’t have a sensible discussion about what behaviour could reasonably be classed as aloof without acknowledgement of its actual meaning.

Aloof is being cold, distant, not terribly friendly and personable.
I would find someone who comments after an issue in work that they're so different to their colleagues because their colleagues talk about TV, they take their demanding job seriously but colleagues are informal and chat etc probably does tick the boxes for being aloof because in my experience when people have that attitude it comes across in their personal interactions. It tends to be quite obvious when they have no intention of even politely sitting on the fringes of conversations or take no interest in what other people are interested in.

Often aloof and slightly stuck up go hand in hand when it comes to colleagues acknowledging how they're so different from other colleagues.

There are loads of different personalities in my workplace. Some I share interests with, others I don't. Sometimes I have no doubt I might do something in a work situation that might annoy someone, people do the same to me. It wouldn't cross my mind to link a minor irritation at a work situation to what they happen to watch on telly and discuss on their lunch break as a way of signalling how I take my job so much more seriously than they do because doing that is exactly the sort of thing that creates friction in the workplace.

Agree with LolaSmiles.

Aloof is being cold, distant, not terribly friendly and personable.

Well done for looking it up. What it does not mean is ’looking down on others, wanting to present themselves as somehow better on trivial matters etc’.

In fact some people who come across as ‘aloof’ are actually just shy or serious or busy.

As per the OP it’s not colleagues plural, just this particular one. OP says she readily chats with other colleagues are some are good friends. She even said she makes an effort with this guy, asking him about his TV, but he doesn’t make any reciprocal effort.

My personal feeling is that you and math are reading your own personal insecurities into a narrative that has no relation to either of you.

These two don’t particularly resonate which is fine, he just needs to not attack OP.

I've worked with lots of people who were viewed as aloof and arrogant. But when you were working closely with them, this wasn't true at all. They were quiet or just serious about their work.

What it does not mean is ’looking down on others, wanting to present themselves as somehow better on trivial matters etc’.

People who appear to set themselves apart from a group can come across as aloof.

The OP has tried in her opening post to distinguish herself and her tastes from those of her colleague. She has also emphasised how seriously she takes her work. It's very possible that she comes across as aloof therefore.

I think her colleague is likely taking the piss with requests for explanations of commonly used terms in their line of work, and is possibly playing to an appreciative audience or he wouldn't bother. I doubt it is just this one individual directing a solo vendetta.

...Which is not to say that there is any excuse for bullying behaviour of any sort, which this would be.

mathanxiety
I agree. It's not terribly difficukt to see how behaving aloof, viewing your colleagues as some 'other' group, linking their work to what they watch on telly, being a little stuck up can be linked.

But it's fun to jump backwards in a thread to quote and then claim people don't know what they're talking about.

woollyheart
One of the aloof colleagues I mentioned up thread was a perfectly nice person. They did however rub a number of my colleagues up the wrong way and if they were reflecting on their interactions with one of them in particular, it wouldn't be a bad idea to think about how they could be a little more personable (not become extroverted or anything like that, just make a little effort)

My personal feeling is that you and math are reading your own personal insecurities into a narrative that has no relation to either of you.
I do love it when posters on mumsnet decide to start reading into why posters might disagree when it's as simple as 'we have different opinions'.

It has nothing to do with personal insecurities . I've even said up thread (when there was all the claims of having to hide intelligence etc) that it's nothing about intelligence or someone's personal taste and that it's not ok to be mocking someone.

Someone has asked if they think they've come across as stuck up. I think there's a real chance that they may well have and explained why.

Or is this one of those MN posts where an OP asks a question, but other posters decide there's only one answer?

"just make a little effort"

Maybe extroverted people could make the effort to chill out and realise that some people come to work to make money and that's it and that there's nothing wrong with that.

Live and let live. If no one is harming you, who cares how aloof or otherwise someone is? There's a guy at work who doesn't so much as say hi to me, though I see him every day. I just assume he's very shy or something so I just continue to say hi to him in the morning and nothing more. It's not my business to make him speak to me.

But shy/quiet is different.

I'm not massively sociable at work. I'm not into work drinks. I want to go in and do my job well. I'm not into reality tv or the latest box sets etc. But it doesn't take much to show an interest in other people.

I know many quieter, less sociable, shy people at work. None of them would use what someone watches on telly or what they talk about with colleagues as a way of judging how they take their job seriously, unlike their colleagues who are too informal. Doing that isn't being shy, it's being a little stuck up.

It sounds like OP and this guy are both nice enough, but are chalk and cheese and both need to consider how they get along with people who aren't like them or they find annoying.

He sounds a bit of a clown and you sound like you are trying really hard to project you image as behaving in a very serious professional way...in reality you are both a bit out of touch - he needs to grown up a bit and you need to maybe lighten up a bit.

Tat What it does not mean is ’looking down on others, wanting to present themselves as somehow better on trivial matters etc’.

Math People who appear to set themselves apart from a group can come across as aloof.

And again aloof does not mean looking down on people or presenting themselves as better.

There’s nothing wrong with being aloof.

Live and let live. If no one is harming you, who cares how aloof or otherwise someone is?

Quite.