Am I stuck up, or is colleague rude?

[Iltavilli]

I changed career last year, and am on a training programme for a challenging new role, which I take quite seriously.

The new job is in a highly regulated environment - which I’m used to - and o approach it as such. A colleague, also on the development programme, is far more informal. He’s happy to chat all day about tv, primarily programme I simply don’t watch (talent shows, love island, etc), given I’m more of a going to gigs and sports person, so we have little in common.

There was a meeting last week where I used a word he seemed not to understand. It’s wasn’t a complex word, but the most suited to the context. As he asked what it meant I explained. They then mocked me for using it. He’s a jokey person but this was mockery in front of others and felt mean.

I should note, he’s well educated (degree etc), but it isn’t the first time. He’s told me to “stop being so middle class” before - I’m not, parents grew up on council estates, dad a factory labourer till he retired.

So who is BU?

He's threatened by you and he wants to put you in your place, don't let him. I think it was unnecessary to list what t.v programnes he watches though, I know an astrophysicist who loves a bit of love island. I suspect you do think he's a bit of an oik though and perhaps at times for one reason or another you take yourself a bit serioulsly and quietly try to put him in his place too, I would. Also no harm in loosening up a little in general, work is as much about working well with others. That said if he does the same again call him out and say - that's really passive agressive is there an issue here? Be calm and straight.

Absolutely knew as soon as I read the first post they'd be people saying you sounded stuck up 🙄

It's fine to not like some tv programmes. It's also fine to be privately a bit annoyed that you have a colleague who talks a lot, about whatever, it can be very distracting. It doesn't sound like you were rude and you seem to have good relationships with your other colleagues most of the time.

Maybe he's out of his depth or maybe his previous job was in a much more casual environment. It sounds like you do a serious job, and you take it seriously, not sure what's wrong with that. Not everyone wants work to be an extension of their social life.

Doesn't matter what the word is. Completely unacceptable to mock a colleague in a meeting. Sounds like an unprofessional tosser.

Couldn't agree more. The OP was only noting differences they felt not ones articulated in the workplace. I roll my eyes inwardly at diet/vitamin/homeopathic/horoscope/ reality chef bollocks but say nothing.

Everything this guy did, he did was acted out and was entirely out of order.

And while I'm here, not to understand the word "key" as in key data, implying most important or relevant data is a bit dim. At any rate he should have asked politely as to its particular relevance, as institutions like to change meanings. A case in point is one where I was corrected for using the word "flexible" instead of "agile" by architects when describing the potential use of furniture/boards/chairs/desks/tables/ in a classroom. It was their buzzword.

For this person to get pissed off about "pervasive" shows his insecurity.

Yes, he was rude, and his mockery was out of order. Personal digs about being 'middle class', ditto.

But while nothing the OP describes about herself or her TV preferences, music, etc are wrong, what she posted and the way she posted it hints at an attitude that might have come across in the workplace too.

She doesn't have to massage this idiot's feelings of course. But she needs to be sure she doesn't give him any ammunition.

But while nothing the OP describes about herself or her TV preferences, music, etc are wrong, what she posted and the way she posted it hints at an attitude that might have come across in the workplace too

This is inference : "hints" "might". What matters is what happened.

Devora13
If a colleague asked me directly 'do you think I've come across as a bit stuck up because someone has been a bit of an arse to me?' then I would answer honestly and tactfully.

I wouldn't offer unsolicited opinions.

In this case the OP has asked whether she's come across as stuck up or whether the colleague was rude. I think the colleague was rude. I also think elements of how the OP talks has distinct similarities to colleagues I've worked with who were nice but did come across as stuck up and rubbed other colleagues up the wrong way.

He can't be that educated if he didn't know what the word meant!!

You could turn it on its head, laugh at him and say, "You mean you don't know what (word) means!"

Agree that it's his insecurities that make him behave like this and I'll bet that anyone else on this course who has half a brain can see it too.

Just be yourself and don't let him get you down. He may well be educated but IMHE many clever types are ignorant when it comes to people skills.

Think he's covering his lack of knowledge by throwing verbal spanners in your works.
It's his problem, you have 3 options

1. Throw 'jokey' put downs back (where'd you park your whippet & flat cap on a morning, etc)

2.explin yourself in a increasingly patronising manner n carry on 3 ignore it completely Personally I would ignore it if it increased I would be sarcastic if it carried on make a log in case it turns into bullying sparked by his own inadequacies. BUT Everyone is responsible for themselves Not your fault!

"And while I'm here, not to understand the word "key" as in key data, implying most important or relevant data is a bit dim."

Is that what it means? Pp were saying something else further up and that it was jargon. The example you've given above is one of the non-jargon uses of key.

If he can do his job efficiently with his informal approach, great, but he should not need to question your way of working - ok to ask for clarification obviously but for me I wouldn’t be happy with a colleague mocking my choice of words- I write and speak in my own fashion but with the aim that what I say or write is clear to someone with literacy skills of an adult - perhaps he was on the back foot but really nobody cares or minds if someone has to ask ‘what do you mean’ I often ask it myself that’s language for you!

But while nothing the OP describes about herself or her TV preferences, music, etc are wrong, what she posted and the way she posted it hints at an attitude that might have come across in the workplace too.

Not to me it doesn’t. There’s nothing she’s said that justifies her colleague’s rudeness.

You have to work with different attitudes in life and you can’t just be rude to people if they don’t share your preoccupations. Obsession with TV and popular culture is a peculiarly British trait.

For anyone who’s worked internationally - different countries have very different approaches in the workplace. Wild generalisation alert by way of example - E.Asian, E.European can be very serious, focused and driven, they don’t necessarily do a lot of smalltalk or joking about. Germans like to stick to the facts and prepare well in advance. The French don’t bond over TV - at work or anywhere really - people don’t talk about TV that much in France ime. Foreign colleagues have told me that when they came to work in the U.K. they had to learn the British habit of jokes in business meetings, which they found really odd at first, as it’s not part of their business culture.

I don't watch soaps or Love Island either. This is rarely a problem in conversation - there a whole load of other things to talk about. It's a shame that your colleague (and some posters here) doesn't realise this!

The word you used is hardly an unusual word! In any case, I've always taken the view that learning new words is a good thing as it improves the eloquency of my conversation. He asked you to explain, so he can hardly then criticise you for doing so.

Unless you were especially patronising, he's a CF.

It could be a "cultural" or communication style of thing - he's all aboard the banter-bus and you're maybe not into that and prefer a more sincere conversation (I'd be the same).

I didn't think your comment about talent show and love island was patronising. I don't watch them either but no problem at all if others do, that's fine. Just not my cup of tea.

But yeah what you've described would bother me too. Not sure of the best response though.

Bottom line he sounds a bit rude.

OMG, I don't think this site is here to give you dictionary definitions, if you don't know the meaning of a word- look it up. Its a fact of life, you're not going to get on with everyone you meet/ work with, so if someone is obviously not your "type" let it go and avoid his company when you can.. As to him calling you a snob/middle class I'd just let him know that your Dad is Earl Plunkthorpe (Or make up your own). You'll be surprised how his attitude will change. Then look up a new Big word everyday and try to slip it into the conversation, you'll learn something and he might.
Good luck.

Take it from one who knows. I have spent too much of my (rather long) life trying to deny my intelligence and education in order to 'fit in' with various groups of people, which has only caused me a whole heap of unhappiness, such as you are experiencing. I have since learned that everyone is unique and entitled to respect - and that means me (and you) as well. So if you used a word that was appropriate in context, good for you. If your colleague didn't understand the word then it is fine to ask for clarification if it allows the meeting to move forwards, but to then mock you for it is unacceptable. Your colleague has exposed not only his own poor vocabulary but also his unwillingness to learn. Equally, your colleague is entitled to enjoy his own TV programmes and you should not judge him for this - by all means judge the programmes! You sound like someone who is wanting to succeed in your new job, so if all this office banter is ruining your concentration, perhaps you could have a quiet word with your line manager? I'm sure your employer won't appreciate paying people to chat all day. Stand up for the unique, valuable person you are, but respectfully.

He sounds a prat to me. "Key" is hardly a a symbol of middle class or whatever!! Having said that, so what if you were middle class. He's the one with the problem, a big chip on his shoulder and as I said a bit of a prat really!!

Hey (some) folks, OP did say that she chats about other things to colleagues, give her a break.

This whole thread is an illustration of how being ‘stuck down’ is infinitely worse than being ‘stuck up’.

OP, take no notice, move job. Get new friends.

He sounds as though he may have some learning difficulty and is covering it up by mocking you. Showing a misunderstanding of rows/ columns means he has trouble with orientation.

It's not about dumbing down, hiding intelligence etc. It's that some people have a knack of running people up the wrong way, either through the way they interact or through patronising their colleagues (intentionally or otherwise).

I asked a colleague for some information I needed for a project and instead of just answering my question decided they also needed to give an excessive explanation of all sorts. In the end I had to interrupt and say jokingly (But with a hint of serious) that I can actually do my job so if I can have the information and get on be great. They love an opportunity to try to prove how smart they are, regardless of whether they know more than the person they're talking to or not. Hearing them explain to new or younger colleagues is like nails on a blackboard to me. They are so patronising in their approach but are a nice person who probably sincerely thinks they're being helpful.

Mockery isn't ok. Sometimes a jokey comment in jest as a light hearted way to say 'ok how about you stop being the big I am' is an easier way to move a situation on than getting into a more direct challenge to someone's actions (because either way the one who's lording it over people is going to be moody anyway).

That word doesn't make sense in that context

Meh, so what if he doesn't like you and you don't like him. Plenty of people just don't get along particularly well, especially at work. Ignore. You don't need his approval.

It's that some people have a knack of running people up the wrong way, either through the way they interact or through patronising their colleagues (intentionally or otherwise).

The guy certainly seems to have this knack. He’d rub me up the wrong way with his tedious smalltalk and competitive gaucherie.