Am I stuck up, or is colleague rude?

[Iltavilli]

I changed career last year, and am on a training programme for a challenging new role, which I take quite seriously.

The new job is in a highly regulated environment - which I’m used to - and o approach it as such. A colleague, also on the development programme, is far more informal. He’s happy to chat all day about tv, primarily programme I simply don’t watch (talent shows, love island, etc), given I’m more of a going to gigs and sports person, so we have little in common.

There was a meeting last week where I used a word he seemed not to understand. It’s wasn’t a complex word, but the most suited to the context. As he asked what it meant I explained. They then mocked me for using it. He’s a jokey person but this was mockery in front of others and felt mean.

I should note, he’s well educated (degree etc), but it isn’t the first time. He’s told me to “stop being so middle class” before - I’m not, parents grew up on council estates, dad a factory labourer till he retired.

So who is BU?

Some people seem really uncomfortable with difference. Not all of them make that the problem of the other person. Just rude bullying twunts.

It is really quite interesting to see some of the assumptions here!

I said I don’t join in conversations about reality tv, this has been taken by many to mean that I don’t have any chatty conversations at all and I clearly have some form of problem with social interaction. The later post where I mentioned I chatted to other colleagues with more similar personal interests has been completely ignored. Surely he should also be expected to “join in” with our conversations, rather than steering it to his interests. If it’s a skill I need, surely it’s true of him also?

It has also been said I should tailor my language to my audience. True, but as others have stated, this is a standard work term in my field. Surely he should learn his job. Remember he is my peer, we’re completing the same programme, I am not his manager.

Hmmm am spilt here, can't stand reality TV but in my 'regulated world' the people who use big words unnecessarily are often those who are just trying to cover they have no idea what they are talking about. A plain English policy is the best approach imo.

He sounds like a dick, an insecure one. I don't watch Love Island, any talent shows or Great British anything. Because its utter tripe. My best friend does. I don't think she's stupid, but I am sort of surprised by how obsessed she is by them. I listen to radio 4 all day long, she doesn't mock me for that. We don't discuss either thing.
We both took literature/writing type degrees at uni. She regularly asks me to translate what I'm saying in WhatsApp messages etc. I find that surprising.
Since returning to work after a very long career break, I'm in a low paid, above min wage job. My colleagues mock me openly for not knowing anything about reality/contest TV. They think I'm stuck up. I don't give a shit what they watch, but I refuse to watch it to fit in.

I have two degrees and don't understand this use of 'key'.

I have to say I also don't like it when people use words that others might not understand ('extant' is one that comes to mind) and I don't think it's good communication. If a less usual word is the most appropriate, the best thing to do imo is to use your favoured word, but also an explanation or synonym.

I feel the same about people who use Latin phrases that the rest of us never got the opportunity to learn.

If you haven’t done so already, tell him how it made you feel. I’d bet that his reaction and response may well surprise you.

He was rude but that his problem.

Your problem is that he was empowered to call you out as being pretentious. That means he is picking up on other peoples perception of you.

I agree you do sound at the very least buttoned up. I have a mental picture of Lilith from Cheers / Fraser. If you really want to understand how people see you ask for a 360 from colleagues who work with you not randoms on the internet.

When you said you were open to explanations of how you are coming across as po-faced and pompous you didn't really mean that, did you?

Otherwise you would not have made the snippy comment that you made to OhTheRoses.

Here are a few hints, working on the assumption that you do in fact want to learn, OP:

1 Also - being honest the “I take my highly regulated job very seriously” does sound a bit well... po-faced. Then combined with the scorn for those who enjoy certain populist tv shows, does make her sound, a little pompous

2 Given how unnecessary it was to stress your re-training in such a highly regulated challenging role which you take very seriously, I suspect you do come across as a bit "up yourself".

It comes across that you seem to think your colleague's ability to chat means he doesn't take the role as seriously as you do and is therefore "lesser" than you.

By all means pull him up on what you see as unacceptable behaviour, but be very prepared to be pulled up on what others may consider unacceptable about you and to hear some home truths.

It's hard to tell really, but I think your colleague may be taking the piss. Be careful here. It's not always about who or what is right and who or what is wrong in the work environment.

Especially for women, it's sometimes about perceived ability to go along and get along and act 'nice'. I think he might be highlighting a certain degree of inability on your part to do this. Asking basic questions when you are presenting material may be an effort to trap you into eyerolling or coming across as condescending (to judge from this thread that is not hard).

He is not a nice person and he may well have it in for you, but he may get away with 'bantering' his way through life all the same.

You need to up your game and learn how to deal with 'banter'. It should be part of your workplace skill set.

With banter, and also undercurrents.

Thing is, even if op is being po faced and pompous, why is that a problem that it's acceptable to address by mocking her? Is the default at work supposed to be casual and possibly unprofessional, are we all supposed to be the same?
If he had a problem with her, he should've addressed it with her, in private. Mocking anybody like this isn't OK. Is it OK to mock someone with aspbergers? I mean, they may come across as rule following or uptight?

Remember dealing with banter and tolerating it are different things.

You do sound a bit stuck up with the way you talk about your colleagues and their interests, quite disrespectful IMO.

When posting a thread about whether or not you might come across as stuck up, one of the first things you mention being that you don't chat about TV all day like your colleague makes me think that you are perhaps lacking in self awareness.

It's not that you don't watch TV, it's the way and the context in which you mentioned it.

The fact that he is so comfortable criticising you publicly in this way makes it seem like he voicing something that he is confident others agree with.

I don't think you're patronising, you just have a difference in interests, and aren't interested to have small talk (which is fine). Just because it doesn't seem 'normal' doesn't mean it's 'bad'. Besides, perhaps he might have had a misunderstanding of what you meant by 'key'. It could be an industrial term, thus have an entirely different meaning to the what it normally means.

Looking at the example @Iltavilli gave, 'The idea was to create a key on the different categorisations' , it seems to be the case.

I don't know why he and the others started to joke about it, it makes me think that he's embarrassed about it.

I’m pleased you didn’t use nomenclature- that would have got us all reaching for the dictionary 😂😂
He sounds ok - it’s good to talk to people we wouldn’t necessarily mix with socially - otherwise we may as well just exist in an echo chamber - cheer up

I do love big words but one should always use them judiciously...!!

I’m enjoying those saying it’s clear what key meant and then getting it wrong or at least not recognizing it has multiple meanings

Putyourdamnshoeson
I agree he was wrong to mock her, but equally if starting a thread wondering if your attitude/approach could form part of a workplace dynamic then it's worth being open to reflecting on how one's actions and attitudes come across to others.

I don't agree with people taking the view 'they must be intimidated by you'. One of my colleagues was nice but came across as aloof and I'm sure they felt they just had different interests to colleagues, but it very much came across as a little stuck up. It didn't bother me, but I know some colleagues made comments. Often I felt it wouldn't hurt to show a little bit of social awareness and rub along with people a bit better.

The word you used is a known word and used in many professions. It sounds like he is intimidated by you and is trying to knock you off your game. Stay focused and strong. Be polite and helpful, but do your thing. Do you want to be liked or respected? What are your life values and stand strong with them. See your endgame and let him find his.

By any chance do your colleagues all take a drink when you use some of your professional language?

Only two observations:

1. Would the people commenting here about the OP being snobbish or patronising actually say this to her face?
2. Whether they would or not it would be a very strong indicator of their character, either being anonymous cowards or offensive 'I say what I like and I like what I bloody well say' types.

Oh, and all this comment about social awareness. What if a person is e.g. autistic? Just because they don't wear a sticker saying so doesn't mean they should be expected to conform with the norm (whatever that might be). Problem with hidden disabilities y'see. You hopefully wouldn't call a colleague in a wheelchair stuck up because they don't join in the lunchtime jog around the block.

The thread is titled " Am I stuck up, or is colleague rude?". Answering a question the OP has directly asked is hardly cowardly or offensive. If you think any posts are personal attacks you should report them.

In the olden days, when I was a junior executive and my boss had to vet all letters before they were sent out, think early 80's, I submitted a draft which he delighted in bringing back to me in a shared office saying loudly that I had 'made up' a word....cue sniggering from the mostly male team...the word was
'predicated''.
When I produced a dictionary to prove the word was used in its ' correct context he called me a silly woman for thinking he was being serious..
It was all power play
I moved departments.
In 4 years I was reporting on him😉😉😉

I think he was being rude too.