struggling with other people's wealth

[confused8761]

Hello all, I would really appreciate some guidance and advice from you wise people.

I was raised below the poverty line by very working class parents. My dad is an immigrant. I was the first to go to Uni, I got straight A*s in everything etc, now work in finance in London. I'm 24.

Where I am struggling is I always told myself that I could have what anyone else has easily if I work hard enough. So I gave up my life for those grades etc. However, because of the social circles I now find myself in, I am still the poor one despite us all earning the same.

My job and education / profession means I will always earn well and continue to increase (provided something awful doesn't happen).
However, all my friend's are being given tens of thousands for house deposits, their weddings, etc. they don't have to struggle and they don't even need to save. Even those that are slightly more 'normal' have still got a good savings pot due to inheritance from a grandparent. All my extended family has died but there was nothing to inherit.

I suppose I feel so out of place in these circles. People don't realise my background and assume I come from wealth mostly because I speak quite well(???). They tend to talk about how they'd never send a child to private school and genuinely don't understand the working class and are quite snobby about it. I hate it.

I know the obvious would be 'then don't be friends with them' but I do get along with some of them but we just have such wildly different lives and expectations and it's hard when I work 60 hour weeks with the same people.

Do you have any advice on coping in these situations? I feel in a bubble because I am well aware of the reality of poverty and how much of the population lives yet everyone around me is so wealthy and I feel lost.

*never NOT send a child to private school

I think it’s best not to engage really - the current phrasing is “you do you”. If you want to save for a house or whatever else, get on and apply the same determination that you’ve applied to your education and career to that goal, and you’ll get there. Yeah, it’s not fair, and it’s only human to be envious sometimes, but your best option is to focus on your own goals and how to reach them.

You've done well to have got where you are, and you'll never be on the breadline. I suppose the other thing is (and I know it sounds materialistic), you're meeting people from a wealthy background, and you will probably marry well. (At one time, families were concerned that their daughters would be well looked after financially when they married).

Comparison is the thief of joy as they say.

I'm marrying a teacher - not sure I'll be rich [big grin]

Does it help to know you’ll have worked for every penny you enjoy? You’ll be able to look at your clothes, holidays, wedding, the home you live in and know it was your determination and hard graft that got you there, not hand outs. That’s something to be proud of.

I'm from a poor immigrant background and now work in a similar circle to yours with some of the highest paid professionals in the city. Either the people you work with are dicks or you have a chip on your shoulder. I have honestly never had a problem nor heard comments like that from people I work with (even though I know some of them well enough to be aware of how privileged they are).

I think there's nothing wrong with talking a bit about your background in appropriate situations with people who may have a bit more awareness of the issues than others.

You've got nothing to be ashamed of and a lot to be proud of and if you open their eyes even slightly what life is like for many many people, that's no bad thing.

It does take confidence to take this approach but it's worth it as you will feel more comfortable to be yourself with your colleagues.

You're comparing yourself with a selected group of people. There are plenty of lawyers, doctors and engineers who don't have ultra rich parents or grand parents old enough to have already passed away.

You've done well and will get to enjoy what you've worked out to accomplish you just need to be a bIt more patient to get those things you aspire to.

I feel you. Brought up by a single parent here with no handouts etc. We home Ed and are surrounded by middle class friends some of whom get 10k hand outs and class it as not much. Even with a reasonable inheritance I still can’t compete with them. It’s hard to get your head around but honestly they are no happier for it. You are doing well, you will be better off than so many people and truthfully I think you will appreciate it all the more for how hard you’ve had to work for it.

It's hard op. I sometime feel like all of our friends are better off than us (and I'm much older than you so should know better than to compare). Tbh they generally are, but as you say every single one has had considerable help from their families. The difficulty I find is when they have very little awareness of just how valuable the help has been. Among my mates they have had houses bought out right for them to pay back with no interest at whatever pace they wish, cars bought, weddings paid for, free accommodation and living costs, free childcare....It amounts to tens of thousands in some cases. They often say things like 'it's no big deal really, they enjoy helping us' which I'm sure they do, but it makes a massive difference and to say otherwise is naive.

You need new friends.

I guess you work in the City in the financial sector and are surrounded by public school types?

I think you need to open their eyes and be totally honest about your own background. If they take offence they are not true friends.

You have done really well. stop feeling ashamed. Not all people your age have wealthy families- it's just that you work in a sector that is filled mainly by the middle and upper classes. At the end of the day they are all just people- money doesn't make them better or worse than you.

Wherever you are in life there will always be people with more money than you.

There are so many other people who don’t have handouts from families. Compare yourself with them rather than people with wealthy families.

If money is important to you, you need to make peace with all this, otherwise life will be stressful.

Be yourself. It works out.

I distanced myself from people who make me feel bad about myself.

Apparently someone's won £123m on the Euromillions today, OP. That's enough to make your wealthy colleagues feel poverty stricken. It's all relative, isn't it?

OP, I can see why you feel as you do, honestly.
You have come a long way and done well for yourself and it must be hard to think of yourself as alone in the world with no financial help. We can't help our dc very much, but they know we do what we can.

All I can suggest is try to appreciate what you have. Maybe look at a character from similar area to you that hasn't done as well.
Be proud and although this sounds easy try not to compare with others, you don't know they could be really miserable and at least you know you only have yourself to thank.
I'd be so proud of you If you were a friends dd.

I think you're probably not aware of people who have less than you as they are quiet about it (no one talks about not having a wedding or buying a house - only those who are planning weddings talk about it). I worked in finance and DH still does and neither of us and inheritances or huge gifts for house deposits. You'll find in 10 years time if your career progresses well the talk will turn to people spending money helping their family out because they can afford to do so.

DH and I are I guess still quite different from others in finance as we don't live a lavish lifestyle (not for any particularly noble reason we just don't have expensive taste) so we tend to save more, live in a nice but unassuming semi-detatched in a commuter village, normal car etc. WE know a range of people and know that we're incredibly lucky copared to lots so that makes us happy!

You’ve done so well and you’re only 24, they’ll always be people with more and people with less than you. You realise that many people will envy you and compare themselves unfavourably?

confused8761 Well i think you've done very well for yourself as it is:)

However there are those who get things handed to them on a plate and that is just the way it is the rich and poor i think will always be with us.

I know some serilosuy rich people one of them around 800 odd million or so and a few more bne;low that can't say theri any happier than what I am in fact some seem burderned by their millions.

And who knows one day someone may want to start a firm and count you in, if sucessfull that may sell for millions or more and then you'll be a rich lady will you feel any happier? I somehow doubt it!

If your not in grinding poverty then I reckon you should basically be happy anyway!..

I hear you OP. I have a similar background. Most of my colleagues come from well healed backgrounds too. They honestly have no clue what it's like growing up poor. Most of my colleagues are married to equally high earning partners - sadly I'm not. Makes me feel very poor in comparison even though we are comparatively doing very well on a national scale

I can only advice you to continue on your career path. Focus on your personal financial goals. Always remain humble and stop trying to keep up with the Jones

Look instead where you have come from, what you have achieved.
Be proud of yourself,. Your doing amazingly well....

I understand completely. I'm a generation older than you and have made a good life for myself despite being given nothing but abuse from my parents. The annoying thing to me is that my own father was given so much financial support and then a half million inheritance from his parents that he frittered away! I just console myself with the fact that I can be really proud of what I've accomplished. I know what is like to do without so can appreciate what I have more than he does. And I also feel I appreciate and enjoy what I've got because I fully earned it.

I think people who have always had their DP’s to fall back on, have no concept of how it feels to those of us who had no such financial security.
I am twice your age, and now feel extremely proud that everything DH and I have achieved (business, homes, school fees etc.) has been down to us but yes, it has taken longer and, at times we have been close to financial disaster.
I tend to be more at peace with friends from a similar background.

I worked in the City, from a working class background, met lots of rich tossers.
Met people from all sorts of backgrounds though. No-one my age was gifted anything, lots more East end boys done good.

Just be yourself, do not be ashamed, be honest, maybe educate a few of them along the way.
Money does bring privileges, but people with money aren't all oblivious to struggles in life