struggling with other people's wealth

[confused8761]

Hello all, I would really appreciate some guidance and advice from you wise people.

I was raised below the poverty line by very working class parents. My dad is an immigrant. I was the first to go to Uni, I got straight A*s in everything etc, now work in finance in London. I'm 24.

Where I am struggling is I always told myself that I could have what anyone else has easily if I work hard enough. So I gave up my life for those grades etc. However, because of the social circles I now find myself in, I am still the poor one despite us all earning the same.

My job and education / profession means I will always earn well and continue to increase (provided something awful doesn't happen).
However, all my friend's are being given tens of thousands for house deposits, their weddings, etc. they don't have to struggle and they don't even need to save. Even those that are slightly more 'normal' have still got a good savings pot due to inheritance from a grandparent. All my extended family has died but there was nothing to inherit.

I suppose I feel so out of place in these circles. People don't realise my background and assume I come from wealth mostly because I speak quite well(???). They tend to talk about how they'd never send a child to private school and genuinely don't understand the working class and are quite snobby about it. I hate it.

I know the obvious would be 'then don't be friends with them' but I do get along with some of them but we just have such wildly different lives and expectations and it's hard when I work 60 hour weeks with the same people.

Do you have any advice on coping in these situations? I feel in a bubble because I am well aware of the reality of poverty and how much of the population lives yet everyone around me is so wealthy and I feel lost.

Bank as much money as possible as quickly as possible and get out. That’s what I did. I was never going to fit in - despite an education like yours, I didn’t ski/hunt/golf and I didn’t have a penis.

Maybe get some counselling? I think it's your low self esteem that wrote the post. It sounds like you've got a great career and did well in your education and should be proud of how well you're doing.

I just hang around with other poor people.

My daughter though knows exactly what you mean, she works in London and house shares. All her work team live at home and pay no board. Her boyfriend is on an average wage but his family is very wealthy, it's a different world and she'll never get money for a big wedding or house deposit from her family.

lboogy and confused: I suspect that you both are quite pleasnt people a lot more so that soime of the spoilt loadsa money ones you knock around with!.

If you in a fairly well paid job yourself, the teacher friends you will make through your partner will think YOU are wealthy.

It's all relative. Not being goady at all, but if you want more, look at what other job you could do. It's easy to find who earns what, and what they do. You are not a real friend if you are very envious of yours, it's not a healthy friendship

Huge assumptions about everyone around you - do they really all tell you that they have enormous deposits and handouts ? Those would be some crass and unlikely conversations.

Well done on your achievements! You must be very proud to have managed all that without financial support. It is annoying when others just get handed stuff on a plate that you have worked hard for, but that isn't their fault.

They tend to talk about how they'd never [not] send a child to private school and genuinely don't understand the working class
Hmm, their education clearly hasn't been very informative in certain ways, then, has it? You are going to have to help them out.

Maybe you could consider some counselling to help you gain confidence when faced with the effortlessly rich? You could be an ambassador for the less wealthy, authoritatively showing your colleagues the other side of the fence, rather than quietly listening to their uninformed comments.

Maybe also consider doing something to help young people in similar situations? That might also give you confidence.

Silly to compare yourself with others. Be glad that you have what you have which is a lot more than many. You've also done jolly well.

No matter how well off and well set up you are, there are always those who have more. They will have their own struggles, no-one goes through life without problems of one sort or another. Contentment is a blessing.

Either you be very thankful for the fact you're not so ignorant and have the sort of survival/determination skills to know that if the shit hits the fan you will be able to cope and that you fully appreciate everything you are blessed enough to have (through the combo of luck and sheer grit) unlike them... or you pull them up on it.

I spent over a decade working around people of absolutely eye-watering wealth who sort of knew I wasn't "on their level" (think David Cameron calling George Osborne an "oik" because he went to St Paul's and not Eton) but had absolutely no instinctive feel for how miles apart we were, let alone how far apart they were from the vast majority of the population, and when they made ignorant comments I would say something. Probably did ruffle a few feathers here and there (though no one ever said so to me or my closest friends) but am still on friendly/social terms with many despite not working in that field any more and so through free will - saying something doesn't need to be aggressive, nasty or chippy if it's said in the right way and with understanding of the fact that we are all ignorant about many things so could do without judgey pants being hoiked.

You could be an ambassador for the less wealthy, authoritatively showing your colleagues the other side of the fence

because that would work in real life!

OP you ought to be grateful for what you have which is way way above a lot of other people. Stop comparing yourself with the elite, which is what you are doing. .

genuinely don't understand the working class and are quite snobby about it.
Lovey, just be eternally grateful you aren't one of these knobs.
The privilege that enabled them to have private education, nice fat gifts from family etc. was paid for, one way or another, by the working class.
And use every opportunity you can to teach them some respect for others.

I get you, OP.

As an adult I move in fairly affluent circles and I'm sure I generally present as a quintessential middle-class person myself (uni education, professional job, quite nice house, 'speak well' and am articulate and well-read, buy organic food, do 'cultural' activities etc); but I grew up in a family with traditionally working-class jobs, unemployment and no money and still can't think of myself as anything other than out of place.

It comes to the fore in situations like conversations where it becomes clear that my friends/neighbours/colleagues all had nice childhood holidays to the south of France as a matter of course, as opposed to our week in a caravan in Skeggy (if we were lucky); and I almost laughed out loud recently when someone told me he'd been given money for a house deposit by his parents, moaned about how it's not enough for a deposit where we live, and asked if I'd ever been given anything similar (to the contrary, I work my fingers to the bone trying to save for when my dad will need support and care, because he doesn't have and won't have a penny in savings or assets).

All I can say is try to cultivate a thick skin and a sense of humour. And be proud of what you've achieved.

Oh, I know this feeling, but, believe me, you have something they do not have. In short, a clear understanding of money: what it takes to earn it and what life is like when it isn't there.

I've a few decades on your age. In the years after I turned 40, I started to notice that a lot of my wealthy peers whose money had come from family began to find themselves in sticky situations in middle age when parents were not so freely handing out cash, or inheritances had already been spent.

A lot of it came down to these peers spending their formative years in a dynamic where family money eased all manner of life stages, decisions and choices. Once the money was not so free-flowing, they struggled to cope because they didn't have the skills to solve problems. All they had known was throwing money at an issue. When they couldn't do that, they were stuck.

One old friend, who I care for deeply, used to say she hated money, that her parents' wealth had bought her nothing but grief. I understand her point of view, but it worries me that the money is nearly all gone, she has no pension provision, and she has no concept of what it means to struggle to pay bills.

because that would work in real life! hmm
Got anything constructive to say?
Plenty of people represent the poor and are respected for doing so, why shouldn't OP?

My step siblings are like that - raised in money, etc. But it doesn't mean they are deep people because of it. They're nice people, but there's no real depth or understanding to them about what it really takes to work hard for everything with zero family assistance. It doesn't mean I ignore them etc, I just have to accept that there are some levels we just can't connect on.

Got anything constructive to say?

I can say that it's a stupid comment and you would be a complete knob if you came up with that nonsense. People are aware that there is poverty in the world what do you think?

I think it's your low self esteem that wrote the post

Could be - or it could be that it’s genuinely galling to be constantly reminded of inherited privilege and wealth inequality.

I think I’d be matter of fact about it OP - unfortunately this is how it is and you should be proud indeed, but don’t let your colleagues get away with outright being snobby, ‘oh no I would never send my kid the local comprehensive’, ‘oh do you think they need a lot of extra support to do well, that’s a shame, it’s be nice to know your child was resilient and clever enough to do well in a normal school, like I did.’

If your friends dont realise your background maybe its about time you be yourself and be proud of where you come from and what you have achieved. Sounds like you are pretending to your friends to be someone you aren't. You arent someone who has had handouts and a cushy ride, you are better than that.

Comparison really is the thief of joy, as others have said. And there will always be someone better off than you.

I think that you probably have the capacity to appreciate any money that you earn more than those who have never known any different - that is unless you continually compare yourself with them.

People are aware that there is poverty in the world what do you think?
I think you didn't understand my point. OP is complaining that her peers say they don't understand the working class. I'm suggesting that she educates them. Not that she says poverty exists. Or was that deliberately obtuse?
Think of people like Melvyn Bragg, who always stands up for his upbringing and explains it to those who don't get it.

I am a lot older than you and get this too. Once I left school, my parents proudly said 'You're on your own". Even people whose parents bought them a £300 car were in a better position from the off than me, because a) they could get to work anywhere, and b) they didn't have to save up that £300 (which was a lot of money back in 1982). People whose parents gave them deposits for houses, well - they were obviously able to buy bigger and better houses than me back then, and they now have massively bigger and better houses than me. I will never catch up - I did try, with all my might, but even working two jobs at some points, I couldn't compete. It's a bit like that old adage - "for want of a nail, the shoe was lost.... " etc. Those that were given nails, kept the shoe, the shoe kept the horse, the horse kept the rider, and the rider saved the battle.

I had this experience when I went to university.

I sort of "impersonated" all the posh kids (bad idea!). You are five years older so I'm sure you don't make that mistake!

Anyway, these uni peers - in private, they greatly admired the one or two people from the local area (it was the super posh uni up north surrounded by ex mining villages) who were there. They called them "self-made men" and were genuinely respectful of what they had achieved.

So I guess my advice would be to think of yourself/present yourself as a "self-made woman" - something that's truthful - so that everyone gets used to your different amount of background money but everyone is clear that you are proud of where you are from and what you are (but you aren't an inverse snob/chip on shoulder either).

it's a tricky balance.

I can say it's a stupid comment and you would be a complete knob if you came up with that nonsense
You certainly can. I'm not going to tell your mum.

First of all, stop comparing yourself to others, it's a recipe for unhappiness.

Then be grateful for what you have. There are probably at least 6 billion people on the planet who would love to be as rich as you.

Finally, you are upwardly mobile. There are plenty of us moving down in the world, which is nowhere near as fun. I grew up quite well-off, but I've been working my way into poverty all my adult life, which must mean I suck at life (in the eyes of the sheeple).