struggling with other people's wealth

[confused8761]

Hello all, I would really appreciate some guidance and advice from you wise people.

I was raised below the poverty line by very working class parents. My dad is an immigrant. I was the first to go to Uni, I got straight A*s in everything etc, now work in finance in London. I'm 24.

Where I am struggling is I always told myself that I could have what anyone else has easily if I work hard enough. So I gave up my life for those grades etc. However, because of the social circles I now find myself in, I am still the poor one despite us all earning the same.

My job and education / profession means I will always earn well and continue to increase (provided something awful doesn't happen).
However, all my friend's are being given tens of thousands for house deposits, their weddings, etc. they don't have to struggle and they don't even need to save. Even those that are slightly more 'normal' have still got a good savings pot due to inheritance from a grandparent. All my extended family has died but there was nothing to inherit.

I suppose I feel so out of place in these circles. People don't realise my background and assume I come from wealth mostly because I speak quite well(???). They tend to talk about how they'd never send a child to private school and genuinely don't understand the working class and are quite snobby about it. I hate it.

I know the obvious would be 'then don't be friends with them' but I do get along with some of them but we just have such wildly different lives and expectations and it's hard when I work 60 hour weeks with the same people.

Do you have any advice on coping in these situations? I feel in a bubble because I am well aware of the reality of poverty and how much of the population lives yet everyone around me is so wealthy and I feel lost.

Can you channel your (understandable and justifiable) anger at the huge and pressing problem of inequality into some type of political or social activism, OP? I appreciate that you don't want to ditch friends who are otherwise likeable and goodhearted and it's not their fault as individuals that they are more privileged than many.
But the fact that it is getting more and more difficult, to the point of near impossibility, for working-class young people to get anywhere on the career ladder is a waste of human potential and is damaging the economy in general. There are social enterprises and pressure groups who would benefit a lot from someone as bright and determined as you.

You have done incredibly well OP. You should be very proud of yourself and ignore the ignorant attitudes of people who have led sheltered, privileged lives.

I understand that you work in a world in which money & status are deemed important, but compared yourself to others is pointless. Unless your name is Jeff Bezos, there is always someone richer than you anyway.

Socialise with poor people, they are usually a LOT nicer.

her peers say they don't understand the working class. I'm suggesting that she educates them.

by showing that anyone from working class background can work hard and leave that behind? Ha yes, that makes sense.

OP, you say you feel "in a bubble" - do you not have any friends outside of this bubble at all? You say "all my friends"? If this is the case (you only have friends from uni and work) then maybe just try expanding your social circle a bit. I'm not going to be naive enough to think you have loads of spare time on your hands if you're working your arse, but there are things you can do to ensure you mix with 'normal' (please note the inverted commas!!) people so you don't feel quite so "lost" as you put it if you don't feel you are currently in the right place personally to start pulling people up on their naivety/ignorance.

It’s hard to tell what advice you are really looking for OP.

If you think people are making comments which are not in line with the diversity and inclusion ethos your workplace almost certainly has then you could constructively challenge their thinking.

If you feel not having been gifted a house deposit means that you don’t fit in then I think you need to look to develop your own self confidence/self esteem as a house deposit is literally only a material item and nothing to do with your value as a colleague.

I was privately educated and my DPs paid for my wedding. They also gave us a £10,000 deposit for our house.

However when I mixed with people in top jobs I was often clearly the poor relation. I'm talking people whose DPs owned an island in Scotland, spent tens of thousands on holidays or had homes in various countries. So it's all relative.

I just stuck to being me and I learned a great deal from people who came from backgrounds like yours.

I know an immensely privileged lad in his 20s who's made a point of moving far from home and dropping all his public school mates. He says most of them really have no idea how easy they have it. He feels "normal" people are so much more sincere.

I really wouldn't worry about it. As I said, it's all relative, and you sound epic.

confused, don't worry about other people. Perhaps just make some friends who earn less than you do!
My parents' view was they paid for our education and then we earned our own living and we bought a first place without help - though with 2 full time salaries in London. (Bought out here in zone 5)
I certainly didnt' want an expensive wedding - we had 30 guests at a church mass on a week day although we did have a meal for them during the day and that was fine. Don't get caught up in spend spend spend people's lifestyle. One of our neigbours had 1000 guests to his daughter's wedding but that was more like a business thing - rich Indian family so perhaps he made deals worth the cost of the wedding on the back of that.

My children are older now and 2 are at university and I am sure even though they have a bit more money than some they would never assume everyone has as much money as they do. They are sensitive to differences between people (and very good at making do without much even though I earn a fair bit because we are careful as a family with money).

Just look at how well you have done- wonderful grades at school (which in my case are entirely the reason I have done well actually - best exam results in the school, almost in my year in law at university etc - everything has flowed from that) and like you I married a teacher. In fact after 20 years he got almost £900k from me on the divorce - so may be you want a pre nup in your case!

If I hadn't seen such riches I could live with being poor

Be proud you did it yourself and not beholden to anyone. Your teacher probably has more ordinary friends.

Do you have any advice on coping in these situations?

Ignore it, and be proud of where you've got to. I have the same. I'm now engaged and my parents won't be contributing anything as I had a really poor, neglectful childhood and then they died, but I still get asked at least once a day. It was hard to start with - now I just smile it off.

You're doing it for yourself. That's an incredible thing.

I don’t really understand because you are earning well, in banking, doing well - but it’s still not enough because your parents cannot give you handouts? I grew up in similar if not quite as straightened circumstances and have had this experience always but it never bothered me. education and opportunity has helped you get a great job and a good salary. I guess you are still young but if you carry on you’ll be able to give your own children (should you want them) help and opportunity. So why resent others for it? If you were struggling and had been failed by your family or the system (or other bad luck, health etc) I could understand your resentment and bitterness more perhaps. But you are doing well and succeeding. I’d say YABU I’m afraid, Just get your head down, be thankful and keep going if that’s your aim in life!

You'd have to be a teensy bit arriviste to make sweeping comments about state schools in a work setting.

by showing that anyone from working class background can work hard and leave that behind? Ha yes, that makes sense.
I didn't say that and frankly I have no clue what your problem is.

You have the greatest gift of all: you present as affluent upper middle-class while having the hardworking values and empathy that your peers lack (from your post). That's a lot of power.

I came from a similar background to you and had a similarly huge change. There was a time I had a huge chip on my shoulder about entitled rich kids I had to put up without me. Eventually, you find your own group and get to laugh at these people together. I’m much happier now. It just takes time. In the meantime, remember you don’t have to agree with people around you - have an educated conversation about it with them, you might be able to change their perspective a little.

I grew up in poverty and now earn a high salary and work with some very high earners.

I've never seen what you describe, not wholesale. There may be the occasional comment but mostly I see a lot of empathy. People with kids who irrelevant of their education are struggling their way up the career ladder etc. No one lives in a bubble.

As such I wonder if you're focusing on certain comments to the exclusion of all others. That you don't hear the stuff that will be empathetic , because you're only tuned to the stuff that bothers you.

In my honest opinion I'd say the issue here is likely to be uou and not them. And I say that as not just someone as described but actually someone who also knows and socialises with some incredibly senior investment bankers and the like.

Maybe you need some help to help you to come to terms with your upbringing, and thus so you can see the world with new eyes.

Comparison is the thief of joy
So, so true.

So they had help to get where they are - you're doing it all by yourself. Be proud of what you've achieved and hold your head high. And get some better friends!

I've always lived in a similar situation, in that I come from a working class background and always end up spending time with those from privileged middle classes. No, they simply have no understanding of what it is like to not have money, no ability to empathise, no sensitivity, no nothing!
I'm going to keep looking back at this thread on how to cope with it myself! I have always tended to nod, smile, say nothing, and keep a certain social distance. Sometimes that gets me bad comments, but I can get seriously riled by what I see as their total lack of reality. I'm very choosy about who I spend time with, and ideally prefer other people in the same boat. At least we have the moral sense of superiority to help - the knowledge that what we have got, we have earned (even if it isn't that much with the rising cost of living now).

There are people out there with real problems OP, there are people queueing at food banks. Get a grip. I have worked with people wealthier than me , and I have never thought poor me.

OP, I've had Oxford and Cambridge graduates who went to top private schools and had very wealthy backgrounds working alongside me in similar roles, and I tend to think (inwardly) that I've done really well to get there and what on earth are they doing there in the same job? Shouldn't they be running the country or something by now? I have done very well for myself, coming from a working class background, average comprehensive and ex poly university whereas they really haven't in their peer group.

Are the people around you also quite young?
I live abroad and do some things with the "international community". This means that what we have in common is being foreign - but we come from very different backgrounds too. Many of the group are extremely well off - they or their spouses work for big international companies, they live in big houses, go on posh holidays. I'm not poor but there's still a huge divide. But they are mostly old enough and well-travelled enough to realise that they are lucky, and certainly not to be snobby.

You’re comparing yourself with the wealthiest % of people.

You have great qualifications, capacity for hard work and a path to a highly paid job, at a young age.

What do YOU define as success and want to do with your time, now and in future?

You have done well and made something of yourself from a poor background.You need to give yourself a well deserved pat on the back!.Wherever you are ,someone always earns more than you but lots earn much less as well.Try to keep conversation at work light and chatty ,rather than get involved with politics as it were.Just becouse they have rich families doesnt make them any better than you!

I have a similar background to you, OP, I also work in finance in the City and have a ‘nice’ accent. I work with lots of the types you have mentioned but honestly, I just do me and let them, do them!

I don’t wish to come over as patronising but as you get older, you will care less and less. I probably felt it more at your age, but I honesly couldn’t give a monkeys now. Be proud that you are different to the flock

I feel like things are more acute these days and we're getting more like the USA in terms of how your background affects your lifestyle, but there's less respect over here for people on the way up - or who have had to struggle in the past. As my kids get older I notice the income differences more I am afraid.