struggling with other people's wealth

[confused8761]

Hello all, I would really appreciate some guidance and advice from you wise people.

I was raised below the poverty line by very working class parents. My dad is an immigrant. I was the first to go to Uni, I got straight A*s in everything etc, now work in finance in London. I'm 24.

Where I am struggling is I always told myself that I could have what anyone else has easily if I work hard enough. So I gave up my life for those grades etc. However, because of the social circles I now find myself in, I am still the poor one despite us all earning the same.

My job and education / profession means I will always earn well and continue to increase (provided something awful doesn't happen).
However, all my friend's are being given tens of thousands for house deposits, their weddings, etc. they don't have to struggle and they don't even need to save. Even those that are slightly more 'normal' have still got a good savings pot due to inheritance from a grandparent. All my extended family has died but there was nothing to inherit.

I suppose I feel so out of place in these circles. People don't realise my background and assume I come from wealth mostly because I speak quite well(???). They tend to talk about how they'd never send a child to private school and genuinely don't understand the working class and are quite snobby about it. I hate it.

I know the obvious would be 'then don't be friends with them' but I do get along with some of them but we just have such wildly different lives and expectations and it's hard when I work 60 hour weeks with the same people.

Do you have any advice on coping in these situations? I feel in a bubble because I am well aware of the reality of poverty and how much of the population lives yet everyone around me is so wealthy and I feel lost.

@jaimemai I have lived and worked in 4 European countries, the US and Australia. They all have class prejudice and massive snobbiness, even in those countries where private schools aren't "a thing" as they are in the UK.

It's a total nonsense to think these are "class free" societies - though as a foreigner you can remain immune from it quite easily.

you do notice that some people are completely oblivious to the situation of the vast majority of the country. It seems most pronounced among those who have always been privately educated, gone on to elite universities and then an elite profession that doesn’t Involve much contact with the public. Not everyone is in the bubble with that background but I’ve met a lot that are.

I’ll never forget when I was at uni, a friend had invited a younger friend who was still at school to formal. She was banging on about state school kids all being delinquent thickos. She couldn’t believe it when I told her I came from a comprehensive. She just couldn’t get her head around someone bright and well spoken not having been privately educated. She was mortified and had the sense to know she had been a twat but it was the first time I think she’d ever spoken to someone from a state school in a social setting (as opposed to a shop or something).

Comparisons are odious. You need to care less about the advantages, handouts and privileges of others and enjoy your own considerable achievements - the fruits of your impressive single mindedness and hard work which have culminated in a good career with sound prospects. This is great! - enjoy what you have achieved

There will always be people more fortunate than you - it gets you nowhere to brood on this

I have similar. What helps me is actively realising that my background gives me insights they dont have and that can be really useful at work and elsewhere. I draw on that to my advantage in terms of just naturally thinking differently to people I work with. Its useful and ut makes me more valuable. But it also helps me to acknowledge to myself that I'm not in my wealthier friends position and that it can be hard and it's not fair. But the world isn't fair. I practice enjoying what I have.

Instead of comparing yourself to your current peers, maybe you should think about your old ones. I.e. the people you knew who were no stupider or less hard working than your current colleagues, but due to different cultural expectations are currently working hard for minimum wage and will never earn as much in their lives as you are earning at 24.

With respect to their attitudes about the working classes and state education - can you not (in a gentle non confrontational way) put them straight? You say you get along with some of them so they are not necessarily bad people just uninformed?

It doesn’t get any easier OP as you get older. I’ve always had a well paid job and have worked full time for most of my career. My parents died years ago not leaving anything. I’m now surrounded by friends and colleagues inheriting huge wealth from parents houses in the south east.

We just comfort ourselves that we'll be able to financially help our DC more than we were helped.

We did used to wonder how the parents at our DCs school afforded XYZ when we know roughly how much they earn, then realised they probably had a lot of help from family.

Not everyone has handouts from their parents, neither my DH or l have ever had any financial help,and we are quite comfortable, yes we had to work immensely hard, forgo things for years....etc.So do most.

My DH works with some very wealthy trust fund types, so what, they are either nice people or not, when they come to us and l am cooking dinner and clearing up rather than a housekeeper and cook/chef they are happy and l am happy to see them as they are friends......disengage from the people you work with .

We both also have friends on low incomes who probably see us as very wealthy, its all relative...

I am currently worrying about how to keep my increasingly frail DM at home with a carer, and pay for it indefinately so that she will never have to go into a home.........sometimes it works the other way around!

Walk to the beat of your own drum

The people I know who had handouts from parents/inheritance etc aren’t necessarily happier or wealthier than anyone else in the long run

When you’re young the difference is more marked, by the time you’re in your 40s everyone will have forgotten who started with what.

I just think its a ridiculous train of thought. I had some richer friends at school, but I never thought "why do I not have this", or " why does she have this and I dont. Inknow that not everyone can be rich and that there are people much worse off than me. How can you really sit there and complain when people are homeless and queueing at dood banks in england? This really takes the piss

Do people talk so openly about money and inheritance. No one I know does this. Perhaps it's a generation thing. (I'm much older). I wouldn't worry so much, just concentrate on your own goals and your own life, which is probably rich in many ways

OP, in the nicest possible way, you need to lose the chip.

So you come from a less than affluent background. What can you do about that? Life isn’t fair - but wealth is just one aspect. People are not born equal, but this is obvious, so what do you expect? You do realise that some people who come from wealthier backgrounds might not have the academic ability to get to where you are. Is that “fair”? What about a wealthier child with mild learning diffs who will only ever achieve average grades even if they work harder than you did? Is that “fair?” Which would you rather be? Other people might be wealthy but have physical or mental disabilities. Aldo a wealthier childhood will not necessarily protect you from abuse; neglect or a whole host of other experiences that may affect you into adulthood. Look at many boarding school survivors for a start.

My DH came from refugee parents and when he was in banking, nobody treated him any differently, but nor wouid he have expected them to. I think this may be a key difference? Tbh, they were a very multi-national lot and nobody gave a hoot where you came from. Still today, we mix with people who went to Eton etc but these are alongside others from all walks of life and from all over the world, including me who came from nowhere. Seriously, nobody cares if you don’t. You will here all sorts of people as you go through life and you have to just take them as they come and stop comparing yourself on the grounds of wealth or any other factor. It’s a waste of energy.

OP people may be more secretly admiring of you than you realise. I can relate to your feelings. We got a fraction of what friends did in terms of help. It largely doesn't bother me although I have experienced people very quickly distancing themselves from me when they realise we aren't in the same 'set' as them. It does hurt, but I try and focus on the people that do seek me out as a friend.

Also I came into a small inheritance two years ago and I cant describe the amount of stress and pain it caused. It was divided between three of us, but all other family members came out of the network wanting it, there was talk of one of them challenging it in court, they decided in the end not to do it, it took two and a half years to get anything due to solicitors being as slow as poss to up their fees. I tore my hair out during this time. Even now after it has been snorted I get sneery comments from ny uncle about how "he is not landed everything like me" and comments that i should have given some of it to another member of the family. And lots of passive comments asking for money in roundabout ways. I eventually cut all contact with this uncle because of this Everytime I feel like saying to him "someone I Loved DIED for me to get this. Inheritance is not as easy as it sounds

For years I was the exotic jobbing immigrant friend in a social group that consisted of independently wealthy hippies, luxury-slumming it while living off multiple rental incomes and trust funds. It was a bit weird, I felt like a token member of the 'Common People' ; "One of my best friends has an actual job."

I do understand where you are coming from. And it does get worse as you get older. I know so many people who have retired young and are travelling the world, due to large inheritances. DP and I meanwhile paid for additional care for parents and funerals and inherited nothing. For those from well off backgrounds,. there earnings are only a part of their wealth and for some, a relatively small part.

But there is nothing you can do about it. You have to find a way to come to terms with it.

Your post is titled 'struggling with other people's wealth' but, OP, technically you've made it, you're just moving your goalposts. I'm from a middle background but never got the things your colleagues get, and never will, I have gone in the opposite way to you, we're waay worse off than my parents were and they helped by paying the odd electrics bill here and there but w o uildnt have been able to do the deposit th i ng. I'm not saying be grateful, I'm saying well done and if they talk snobby, argue with them, and let them know where you cane from, it's something to be proud of!!!

Yes, lose your chip. Be confident and proud of your achievements and the support your parents have provided.
Don’t begin to think being very rich necessarily means they are more confident, happier, freer. They will have ‘wooden legs’, real insecurities and even jealousies too.
Take each person for who they are. If they are kind, funny, considerate, clever, hardworking, respectful then they probably have more in common with you than you initially realise.
If the are loud, brash, unkind, unhelpful, deceitful or just plain horrid then why would you want to be friends?
Despite being in top 1% of earners with minimum outgoings, we live amongst much, much richer neighbours and friends. It doesn’t matter. Nobody thinks less of us - far from it; we feature on most guest lists locally.
Just get on with enjoying the benefits of your hard work.

And yes inheritances can lead to family fights. But we inherited nothing and still got the family fights and fall outs and some siblings now not talking to each other.

OP the bit I found toughest was all the denial off the differences this all makes. As if money is bloody meaningless, when actually it gives you real choices. So a friend has had a serious chronic illness as I have. But she is very well off and has been able to pay for lots of private medical care that we could never afford.
Well off people always deny or minimise the real advantages money brings.

1. Be bloody proud of what you've achieved off your own back.
2. Look beyond those affluent colleagues etc. There will be secretaries, admin staff, office managers etc in your company from a huge range of backgrounds. But you probably don't go to lunch with them? Ask yourself why not. I fell into that trap. Now 10 years on, the assistant in my team is probably my favourite colleague, and I get on well with a whole range of colleagues of various backgrounds & seniority.
3. Be patient. IME a few things happen as you enter your thirties... those people get given capital sums that help buying first flats etc, but get used to living lavishly off the higher resulting income. Then the hand outs dwindle and I know lots who are left struggling to keep up an expensive lifestyle. It's also a huge pressure having extremely wealthy parents, as in many cases those people will have very high expectations and will feel like a relative failure even when very successful in their careers.
4. Perspective is a wonderful thing. As you grow you have the benefit of a modest upbringing which will increasingly help you feel content and happy with your success in life, which many do not have. Enjoy that.

Oh and have a chuckle inside. Those people are almost certainly viewing you with awe and a smidge of envy, that you have achieved the same successes in life that their parents had to shell out tens of thousands in private school fees and other advantages, to ensure. That aptitude, drive, resilience and sheer grit will serve you well.

I have a somewhat similar experience. Dad was an immigrant, mum was a sahm. Money was tight but we still had everything we needed. Now I have a good job albeit part time but I still earn well. People in my profession tend to do well for themselves and I have met people from much wealthier backgrounds. I ignore it but I can't say it upsets me. I am proud of my myself and where I have got too with the support of my family. I will never inherit a huge sum and I busted a gut to save for my house deposit but I am proud that I have never had to rely on anyone for money.

Not all of us are born with a silver spoon in our mouths but you have shown that it has not stopped you from achieving. I went to a failing secondary, a better college and finally a red brick uni to get into my profession. There are a lot of people who I work with that went to private school the end result was the same (ie. Working in same job) so what does that say about us? I will always watch my spending and it is important to me to be able to put away savings each month compared to friends who are in the same job but wealthier backgrounds, I suppose they have more to fall back on. The sooner you come to accept that people are raised in different circumstances you will be happier. My dad always says instead of comparing yourself to someone who has more than you try comparing yourself to someone who has less, that way you will always be grateful.

A friend of my sister has done similarly well in a large company - and rather than gripe that others were not aware of the struggles she has had to overcome to get there, so she has made a mission for her company to embrace making a difference. My sister was telling me about this only yesterday! Her friend and others in her company go out into secondary schools in poorer/deprived areas near their offices, where there is a high immigrant population often not native speakers and encouraging entrepreneurship - they help the schools run business partnerships in the community or something like that, and show/encourage the pupils that they can embrace change and do as you have done and work hard, strive for excellence and improve their lot in life.
It has also been an eye opener for many within their company as to how the majority have to live and there is also now a culture of community involvement - teams go out and do stuff several times a year - they'll paint a community centre or plant up a corner of scrubby land, others are signed up to schemes to help children in a local primary to read by going in each week and listening to them read. Team spirit in the company is at a record high and the bosses are very pleased with the scheme as a whole, reputation locally of said company is extremely high, any jobs advertised have a great response and their retention of workforce has improved too. Sis & I were saying a few more companies should follow suit and the world would be a much better place.