struggling with other people's wealth

[confused8761]

Hello all, I would really appreciate some guidance and advice from you wise people.

I was raised below the poverty line by very working class parents. My dad is an immigrant. I was the first to go to Uni, I got straight A*s in everything etc, now work in finance in London. I'm 24.

Where I am struggling is I always told myself that I could have what anyone else has easily if I work hard enough. So I gave up my life for those grades etc. However, because of the social circles I now find myself in, I am still the poor one despite us all earning the same.

My job and education / profession means I will always earn well and continue to increase (provided something awful doesn't happen).
However, all my friend's are being given tens of thousands for house deposits, their weddings, etc. they don't have to struggle and they don't even need to save. Even those that are slightly more 'normal' have still got a good savings pot due to inheritance from a grandparent. All my extended family has died but there was nothing to inherit.

I suppose I feel so out of place in these circles. People don't realise my background and assume I come from wealth mostly because I speak quite well(???). They tend to talk about how they'd never send a child to private school and genuinely don't understand the working class and are quite snobby about it. I hate it.

I know the obvious would be 'then don't be friends with them' but I do get along with some of them but we just have such wildly different lives and expectations and it's hard when I work 60 hour weeks with the same people.

Do you have any advice on coping in these situations? I feel in a bubble because I am well aware of the reality of poverty and how much of the population lives yet everyone around me is so wealthy and I feel lost.

Home Ed is the most expensive type of education, much more expensive than fee paying school!

I never felt bad of myself for coming from a "poorish" family. A family that I thought was poor because my friend at school's dad was a housing developer. I went to India and I came back and I realised that we owned our own house outright and were in fact rich. Ive no time for wealthy people moaning about not being as wealthy as the super wealthy. GO and volunteer in India , or go and volunteer at the food banks and get some perspective

It is difficult in our class ridden society to shift easily between the classes and I'm not surprised you feel a bit out on a limb. But why compare yourself? On the few occasions i've felt material envy of others I've discovered they have appalling tragedies in their lives too. Life is broad and diverse. It's not all about money. Just allow your circle to widen to include people whose income is less obvious and whose interests aren't so income linked. Like, your DH's teacher friends maybe?

You've done well. Be proud of yourself for that and don't compare. My DC go to a private school with a very diverse range of pupils. In their close friendship group there's people on full bursaries who live in small flats with a single parent and others who own castles and yachts (plural in both cases.) And none of them give a toss about any of it. They get on because they share humour and interests. But they party in the big houses, not ours.

I find most people lie about money anyway. Take it with a pinch of salt and be proud of the fact you've earned dit, not just had it from rich family

Some good advice on here, please take it on board Confused. Your post made me sad. You have achieved so much in life already. The problem is that you are only mixing with one type of person. My children did well at school and although working with some well off people would never let anybody run state schools down. Don't hide your background. My mum used to say look at what you've got not what you haven't got. Be thankful every day for what you have, there are millions of people in the world that would consider you rich. The only time I ever felt a bit like you was when young struggling to pay the mortgage after divorce with a best friend who's father bought her a house. Years later the satisfaction I felt paying that mortgage off meant everything. All my own work. Good luck for the future.

And none of them give a toss about any of it.
Without wanting to takeover this thread and turn it into the usual private school one, I wouldn't bank on it. Some can reach across the divide. Some can't. More can't I think.

Learning to be comfortable in your own skin is possibly the most helpful thing you will ever learn. The most socially adept people can communicate and be easy with virtually anyone regardless of their background and status.

A small step into that ease is to look for similarities rather than differences. So a shared enjoyment of music, a food type, current affairs, lizards. You get the picture. Very, very few people will judge you ungenerously when you have done well without much help. No need to shout about it but equally no need to hide either.

You’d probably be surprised how much blagging goes on too. Statistically only about 11% of the population go to independent schools and only some of them are actually properly wealthy.

You are really young. Relax and enjoy the moment.

Well op I have had close to thirty years experience of this. I grew up in a truly working class and may I say wonderful environment. People helped, they cared and I felt closer to them than any others I have met since, the humour, the wit and grit. I miss it. I socialise and live in completely different circles beyond anything I could ever have imagined. I have learnt a great deal along the way.

Stay true to your values but don’t trumpet them. It will alienate.

Nothing matches an enquiring, considered person that listens carefully. This is the way to have authority and stature that you can’t buy through education/privilege.

Accept some people’s history through prep and boarding schools, will connect them. Let the private jokes and back slapping pass you by.
Be genuine at all times, it is easy to spot a fake. But don’t give a life history, no one really cares, they are interested in the person you are today. You don’t need to hide it, but there is no reason to broadcast. It will make others feel uncomfortable about their perceived ‘privilege’ and ‘wealth’ and they may start to feel judged by you.

You don’t need to be better or brighter, or prove yourself in any way whatsoever. It is enough to be exactly as you are.

Keep your old friends! They will keep your feet on the floor, and a connection with the past. Not to mention sharing some of the nonsense.

Be open, be interested and remain centred. There are bad apples in every pile, the key is to spot them early.

Oh and do you know it is seriously depressing that the class system is still so alive and well in this country that even young people at the age of 24 feel overshadowed by it.
Move overseas and enjoy a class free existence is the nuclear option.

I find most people lie about money anyway.

of course they do - but as much as downplaying what they have as pretending they are wealthier than they are.

Ideally people don't talk about money, but it still comes across when you book a holiday or buy a house.

it is seriously depressing that the class system is still so alive and well in this country

the fact that we are happy to curtsey to a royal family is kind of a clue

OP, I hear you. I went to Oxbridge (from a pretty modest state school background) and have a similar career to you in that I'm surrounded by people from wealthy backgrounds. I try so hard not to compare myself (and my friends are wonderful, absolutely non-judgmental people), but it's impossible not to be a tiny bit jealous sometimes. Then I feel guilty because I'm so privileged myself and should be grateful - it stings both ways! Hah.

I remember being told that the world would be my oyster if I worked hard enough, so I worked and worked, but the truth is that it just isn't achievable (especially after the London property boom). I'm still trying really hard to adjust my expectations of what 'success' looks like.

I've experienced a huge range of lifestyles, and it means I can find something in common with pretty much everyone. That's valuable. Also, what @ChimesAtMidnight said - so much of that inherited wealth will be on the wrong side of history.

Which countries have a "class free existence"?

We're all poor compared to richer people. Why torment yourself like this? Sure it's unfair that they all get generous gifts, inheritances etc, but who really cares, as long as you enjoy your life? It sounds like you have enough money to feel comfortable. If you had what they have, there is always going to be a group who get a BIGGER gift, and a BIGGER inheritance - you're chasing the end of a piece of string with no end.

What's stopping you from just being happy with what you have?
I do not mean this in an unkind way, but jealousy is a negative emotion that will eat you up, can you do something to alleviate it and turn it into gratitude for what you have, and importantly, a real feeling of pride that you got where you are all by yourself?
Or maybe you need new friends? (joke) Please OP, for your own peace of mind, be happy with your very comfortable life that you built all by yourself, which you should be proud of.

It's a little short-sighted to just put the OP's feelings down to "jealousy".

I'd be making other friends.

They have done psychological experiments to prove that it's not how much you have, but how much relative to other people , that matters.

Eg people would rather earn 30k if every one else is on 20k than 300k if everyone else is on 40k (ok i'm oversimplifying here but you get my drift)

*400k not 40k obvs

I suspect many posters have similar thoughts, at least for a while.

I'm from a working class dockside Northerner of a city, DH from a working class area of high socio economic deprivation, more Midlands. Both of us have experienced absolute poverty as kids. And I mean absolute, not just a lack of nice things but a lack of essential things for periods if time. Both of us went to University as adults, after we were married.

Now, with our enhanced earning ability we are still nowhere near as wealthy as some of our peers. But we don't measure ourselves against them. We know we have little in common with them and their background.

If we did compare ourselves to them I think we would forever be feeling hard done by or poor. And that would be ridiculous, self destructive.

We have worked hard and enjoyed the journey. That is all that matters.

Why can’t you be comfortable when th them despite being different? I’d never not send a child to private school. I’d never go hunting either. It’s just how I was raised. A lot of people would never send a child to private school on principle or love a good hunt. It doesn’t mean we can’t get on. There is no reason to be uncomfortable. They are comfortable enough with themselves to be who they are, you should be comfortable enough about who you are as well.

I have the same background as you. But my dad instilled a culture of saving in me, and so now while I don’t always earn as much as others around me I do tend to have more in savings and other investments. I also have a lot more disposable income.

Thing is OP, it’s not about money. It’s about ‘class’. If you haven’t been in the position you describe, it’s hard for other people to understand that even if you were earning a million a year, you would still feel out of place. It’s not money. It’s attitudes to life, attitudes to other people, a sense of absolute entitlement. There’s a whole code of values and experiences between the privately educated and very privileged that makes it very clear if someone isn’t ‘one of us’.

It’s horrible and it doesn’t stop no matter how successful you are. Two options, get other friends and tune them out; or become totally yourself, don’t try and pretend to fit in. Call out the unpleasant casual assumptions. You’ll soon learn who’s worth it and who is just a total arsehole 😄

the fact that we are happy to curtsey to a royal family is kind of a clue

I’m not !

*tune out your coleagues

@ciarcel England has a much more pronounced class system than most other European countries. There is no talk of going to the right school in other countries that I have been in . I taught in a school in Europe. An English friend of mine there told me that her parents were so desperate to get her into the right school that they moved addresses. That her reputation would hinge on it. Her husband and her would still talk about what school they had gone to , they were in their late twenties when I met them. Her husband was jealous that she had gone to a better school than him. Her husband also said to me that " he liked teaching abroad because it was only there he really got to mix with lower social classes" he really said this! He was nodding at a different poorer teacher while he said this. I thought he was a posh twat. I liked her though. But yes the class system is VERY pronounced in England

Be yourself, and be proud of your background and your achievements. I hate snobbery. I'm from a working class background, and proud to say so!