At what point does smacking children become abuse?

[Smackingchildren]

I am asking this out of curiosity as I know this type of discipline does go on (mostly behind closed doors). What is your opinion on smacking children? Do you find it to be an effective method of discipline?

I was 'smacked' as a child and teenager. It was never done in a constructive way, it was always because my dad had lost his temper. The 'smacking' would include being threatening, pushing me up and down stairs, shoving me, shouting in my face. This was mostly when I was a teenager, although there was some scattered throughout when I was younger. One such instance was when I was 3 years old and would continuously take the cushions off of the sofa and put them on the floor. My mum says that despite telling me many times to stop and doing the naughty step, I continued to do it, so my dad lost it and threw me up the stairs into my bedroom. This kind of behaviour from my parents probably happened a few times a year. My parents also used to say that I was the difficult child of the family and was always stubborn and argumentative.

Smacking didn't work for me. If anything it made me hate my dad and lose all respect for him. So rather than behaving, I would think 'well you clearly don't respect me so why should I respect you?!'

I have a five year old and I have never felt the need to smack him. Usually sending him to his room/taking a toy away/talking to him about why something is wrong stops the behaviour. I can with almost certainty say I will never smack him because of my own experience.

At what point does smacking become abusive, and do you think its an effective tool for discipline?

It's always abuse. It would be illegal if you hit another adult, it would be assault - it's exactly the same for a child - if not worse, as they can't exactly defend themselves.

It should be illegal completely.

But why wouldn't your parents grab you and pull you back instead? What does "smacking" achieve? If your child is in danger of being run over, you don't hit them, do you? You grab them and move them out of the way!

They did. Grab, pull me back, smack to bum. Only happened once, I never ran out into the road again.

It was a handful of times, maybe three or four, always when I'd endangered myself. Like I say, never hard enough to hurt, it was just a sign that I'd done something that I really must not do.

This thread is absolutely ridiculous!

I was hit by both parents a lot. A lot more then my siblings. It wasn’t just a smack either. I sound like you OP, was the difficult child. Didn’t want to give in or would answer back. In my mind it happened almost daily. Once we went on a holiday of a lifetime and my lasting memory was of my Dad smacking a drink out of my hand for something I did.
I met my first husband at 16 and married at 22. He hit me. I told my parents and asked to come home. Their response? You made your bed. I eventually found the courage to leave him after 8 years. My family took his side because I wouldn't give him a chance to go to anger management.
I now have a 4yr old and a 1yr old. When they are naughty, or cheeky or I’m completely worn down I have to fight the urge to hit them. It’s unbelievable. After everything my parents did to me and knowing how it made me feel I want to hit them. I can only console myself that I feel that way because I was never taught any other coping strategies.
(I never would hit them).
If you spoke to my siblings though they would have a completely different recollection of their childhood and one even smacks their children.

I'm no angel, I've lost my rag many a time, but I won't resort to hitting my children. But why is this any better than a smack on the bum? I'm not judging you, I'm guilty of the same and I don't smack either. But when I look back on the smacks I got as a kid from my grandparents, I never remember them shouting or ranting at me. I just wonder sometimes if we all feel like better parents because we don't smack, but
losing our shit and shouting and saying things in anger can actually have similar/worse implications emotionally.

I am always anti smacking, I believe you can discipline without physical discipline and it be just as effective. I also think sometimes parents smack as they’ve lost control and can’t handle their frustration whereas they should be driving the situation. My dad smacked me and it meant I was scared of him as a child and would walk on eggshells- I wouldn’t want that for my DC.

It is always abuse. Anyone who inflicts physical pain upon a defenceless child is a lowlife.

Anyone who supports it and believes it to be ok is the same.

This ^

If it's not ok to hit another adult, why on Earth should it be ok to hit a small defenseless child? There is literally no good reason for it, lazy parenting

It would be illegal if you hit another adult, it would be assault It wouldn't though. The same force that would be illegal on an adult is already illegal on a child too. You're not getting arrested for smacking another adult on the hand or the bum.

Times have changed a LOT in the last 30 or so years. I was threatened with smacks as a child though it was rarely followed through. My brother was definitely smacked quite a lot. My parents shouted quite a lot. Big, busy family life and we all did well and have good relationships.

When I had DC1 I almost automatically used to smack him very occasionally on the bottom if he was naughty. However, he was a really tricky toddler and gradually I realised it wasn’t as occasional as it had been and from that moment I never used physical punishment again. By then it was more uncommon for parents to smack and by now I’d say it’s quite a shocking thing to see.

Abuse has always been abuse but the use of the odd smack on the bottom for dangerous behaviour was considered very normal. I’d go so far as to say it might well have been less painful than hearing some parents earnestly discussing poor choices with their very young children at times.

I'm no angel, I've lost my rag many a time, but I won't resort to hitting my children

My mother has never hit me. But her losing her rag has still been harmful. And it has had a negative effect on our relationship.

I recognise that she saw herself as doing better than the people that physically and emotionally abused her (which she did, she did to better. Some of her stories are hair raising and horrifying). but it was still harmful. And meant that I didn’t trust her when I should have.

It's always abuse..

However..

My Dad would smack as a punishment for wrong doing, for example, someone scratched his bedside tv, the offender once discovered, was given two smacks with a big wooden spoon on the bum (bare bum).

There was no anger, there was discussion of what the 'crime' was, why that was wrong, what the punishment was and when it would happen (later in the day as it had been discovered whilst we were actuall travelling).

Punishment occurred exactly as described, end of event.

My MOTHER... would slap us around the head without any warning, for infractions of rules we didn't really understand such as 'tone of voice' (for a 3 year old!?), and in anger, and then hold my head under the cold tap if I had the hysterical crying going on...

Never fully understood those punishments as as child, couldn't avoid them, learned not to trust my mother, learned to hit her back when I got old enough and big enough to do so.

Both were abusive, one was far more abusive than the other - but my Dad didn't know any better.. my Mother was aware that hitting children in the face and holding their heads under the cold tap was not acceptable, and no law would have changed that.

I never feared my Dad... i think thats the major difference there.

Any snaking is against the law and considered abuse.
I was naked and whipped with leather belts ( long time ago and old fashioned parents!) it didn’t help.
However, it made me vow to never smack mine.
I never have and I’m proud of that.

When your father hits you and your mother shouts - stop or you are going to kill her.

I love my father to death - and ive forgiven him - his father did it to him (though its not a reason to hit anyone)

RuffleCrow first paragraph excellently put.

I was occasionally smacked as a child (the situation was very similar Isabella describes) and whilst this had absolutely no lasting harm on me and my relationship with my parents is excellent the thought of doing the same to DD makes me feel physically sick. To imagine her actually being frightened of me and associate me with hurting her makes me want to cry. (Which is why I find it odd that apart from the smacks I still know how much my dad loves me and would take a bullet if it kept me from harm). There is literally no circumstance that would ever lead to if needing to happen with Dd. And whilst I agree with some posters that there are other awful ways to abuse kids this threads about smacking.

Mighty that's another topic but a shit excuse for hitting.

Bertrand it certainly has!

Smacking used to be socially acceptable, I grew up in the 80s when pretty much everyone was disciplined that way. My parent’s didn’t have any other form of discipline, it was shouting, threatening to smack or smacking. I don’t consider it abuse by the standards back then, it was a different time.

Fast forward to me raising my own children, there is absolutely no hitting or threatening, it’s abuse. We explain what our children have done wrong, sit them on a timeout step and ask them to say sorry. My parent’s now go mad if they see a child in the supermarket so much as being shouted at and pulled along a little rough, it’s as though they’ve erased how they were with their own children from their memory.

For those of you who were treated so badly when you were little , I'm sorry, it's really shit that happened to you.

Snacking is assault, it is especially despicable when it is a small defenceless child.

I would like to see a total legal ban on smacking children. or any kind of physical assault. I would like to see stiffer sentences. No one should ever think it is okay to smack a child.

I have never, and will never smack my children.

I was badly smacked and hit as a child all the way through to age fourteen when I started defending myself, robustly.
I don’t really want any kind of relationship with my father now, I can’t get past what he has done to me in order to have anything meaningful between us. I don’t hold any grudges or feel any anger towards him as such. I feel he is the damaged one, not me. I chose a peaceful gentle life, one that doesn’t involve assault on a daily basis.

I don't understand the comments about how smacking isn't that bad because emotional abuse can be worse? If a woman told you that her partner had hit her, would you respond that way?

Treat kids as you would any adult in public

was given two smacks with a big wooden spoon on the bum (bare bum).

So pain and humiliation? Why naked, there's something really off about that. Gross

My parents were both abused as children. I use this as an explanation of their treatment towards me. Whenever my dad lost his temper and acted violently towards me he would excuse it with: ‘well you are lucky you aren’t being disciplined by my grandad, then you’d know what abuse and punishment really is.’

I was born in the 90s so not really the same attitude towards hitting as had been present before this time. My dad has had a lot of counselling and CBT over the years, he is a very damaged person due to his own childhood.

I have no relationship with my dad beyond seeing him at family events because I am still close with my mum and siblings. We don’t have our own relationship outside of that and I pity him.

All smacking is abuse in my opinion.

I can't see any possible justification for it EVER!

My parents used to smack very occasionally. I don't really remember the types of things we were smacked for and I think that was because it was so infrequent.

I remember them as loving and caring parents as that is what they were and still are (I am 53 and they are in their mid eighties). It was an accepted method of discipline when I was a child and I led a very sheltered existence (by choice).

I didn't question it at the time. In fact, I only really started to question it when my DD1 was born (she's 24 now). Not having questioned it as a child didn't mean I was actually comfortable with smacking. I haven't smacked my children, and am now against it.

About hitting anyone all the children no, but there are some well deserving adults around at the ment who deserve a slap as theri acting like total prats.

Mind you calling them adults isnt quite the right word imbecilic idiots nearer the mark!. Boris Johnson being one:(

As you were then..

If you see all hitting as abuse, does it follow that you would like to see all parents, even those who have dealt out a single smack at the end of their tether, prosecuted, and given a custodial sentence? Does it help children or parents in this case if the parent is taken away from the child?

I think there is quite a difference between this, and going to get a belt or spoon or whatever to deal out a planned "punishment".