At what point does smacking children become abuse?

[Smackingchildren]

I am asking this out of curiosity as I know this type of discipline does go on (mostly behind closed doors). What is your opinion on smacking children? Do you find it to be an effective method of discipline?

I was 'smacked' as a child and teenager. It was never done in a constructive way, it was always because my dad had lost his temper. The 'smacking' would include being threatening, pushing me up and down stairs, shoving me, shouting in my face. This was mostly when I was a teenager, although there was some scattered throughout when I was younger. One such instance was when I was 3 years old and would continuously take the cushions off of the sofa and put them on the floor. My mum says that despite telling me many times to stop and doing the naughty step, I continued to do it, so my dad lost it and threw me up the stairs into my bedroom. This kind of behaviour from my parents probably happened a few times a year. My parents also used to say that I was the difficult child of the family and was always stubborn and argumentative.

Smacking didn't work for me. If anything it made me hate my dad and lose all respect for him. So rather than behaving, I would think 'well you clearly don't respect me so why should I respect you?!'

I have a five year old and I have never felt the need to smack him. Usually sending him to his room/taking a toy away/talking to him about why something is wrong stops the behaviour. I can with almost certainty say I will never smack him because of my own experience.

At what point does smacking become abusive, and do you think its an effective tool for discipline?

That last part isn't me advocating smacking by the way, I do believe it is wrong. My dad isn't pleasant, he is not a very nice man at all.

In England and Wales you can smack once on the leg but it mustn't leave a red mark

Good job I’m in Scotland. My parents would have been fucked.

In England and Wales you can smack once on the leg but it mustn't leave a red mark

Legislation please to substanciate that. It isnt in the Childrens Act 2004 - which I posted up the thread.

What you've described isn't smacking though. No one would agree with what you described, although it was all too common when we were younger. I got smacked a lot when I was younger. It hasn't made me feel abused or hate the family members who smacked me, but I remember it becoming ineffectual pretty quickly. I knew if I did something wrong I was going to get a slap on the bum and that was that. There were no consequences apart from that, so as a form of punishment it certainly didn't work as a deterrent.

People are very fixated on smacking on MN and quick to call a tap on the bum abuse, which it clearly isn't. Plenty of non smackers have questionable methods of parenting which could be described as emotional abuse, which can be more harmful in the long term than a smack on the bum.

Seriously another smacking thread 🙄
No I don’t think smacking is abuse. But what you described isn’t smacking

Im in my 50's and didn't smack my children. I was smacked harshly and, though I'm aware it was common place then, I also knew it was wrong. Among my peers I was the only one who chose to never smack. My DD would not smack her children either.
However I do actually think there are more damaging punishments that I still witness from parents to children, the verbal abuse and the general unkindness. I witness on a regular basis parents in my GC school being utterly verbally vile to their children, people raise an eye brow but no one intervenes. In cases such as these I think a slap on the leg would be preferable to saying to a 5 year old 'You're a nasty, nasty little boy and it's no wonder you don't have any friends'

If an adult disagreed with you or disobeyed you, and you smacked them, you'd quite rightly end up in court for assault. Imagine your child coming home from school and saying they'd been smacked for disobeying their teacher, or coming home from their Saturday job saying their boss had smacked them? There'd be uproar.

So why do some people think it's okay to smack a child?

Haven’t read the thread- has anyone called it “tapping” yet? Mentioned running into the road and putting fingers in electric sockets? Said that it doesn’t hurt?

Any smacking is abuse. People who say that "just a tap" is fine are child abusers.

It's also going to be illegal in Wales, by the way. Apparently English people have been put off coming on holiday here because of the change in law.

I cannot imagine how a parent could still see “smacking” as acceptable when it comes to disciplining teenagers. The argument that “warning smack on the bum or hand” that some claim is necessary for young children as they “understand that” better than a verbal warning or reprimand surely cannot be used for older children and teenagers, and can be considered as nothing but abuse, in my opinion.

I don’t agree with smacking younger children, either, by the way.

I don't think what you described is smacking, it was out-and-out violence against a child. Throwing you up the stairs? Your father should be in prison.

adaline Using that argument, you would be
labelled an abuser for many things you would do as a parent if you did to another adult. Grounding, stopping their money, stopping them eating certain foods, telling them what to wear, limiting their phone usage etc. None of those things would be appropriate in an adult dynamic. Also, if you slapped another adult on the bum, you're not going to be in court. It's this kind of hysterical reaction that minimises actual abuse, both mental and physical. I'm not going to judge otherwise loving parents for choosing to smack their kids on the bum. Do I think it's effective? Not really, or at least it wasn't for me. Do I smack my own child? No. However, I chose to save my outrage and anger for actual abuse, rather than a slap on the bum.

I am in my forties and I was smacked as a child, it was not abuse. My parents are loving and nurturing and it was an accepted form of discipline then. My mum tells me that she smacked us but it can’t have been that often as I don’t remember it at all.
What you are describing is not the same thing.
I do not smack my children, I agree that it should be illegal, but I don’t think that all parents who smacked their children are abusive.

It is bullying and it is abuse. You wouldn't hit an adult who was taking too long to put on their shoes- but my dad belted me around the head for taking too long. I was 7 and having trouble with a knot in the laces.

I was smacked occasionally as a child. It was in no way degrading, painful or abusive. It was done by a mum who adored me and had been pushed too far. It got the message across and did zero harm to me.

I don’t think many humans are capable of that fine line between a snack as fair punishment for very bad behaviour and a loss of control into rage and a will to hurt do its best to just ban it.

Well, clearly some of what you described was abusive. I think a light smack on the hand or bum for a small child is unnecessary and not brilliant, but I don’t think it’s abuse.

@Procrastination4
My dad still smacked me as a teen when things didn't go his way. I'm now in my 20s, we all went on a family holiday. He had a few too many and he made a dig about the fact I didn't work- I'm at Uni, I can survive on my student loan- and I politely said that right now, I'd rather be there for my kids instead of working 24/7 like he did growing up. His response? To smack me, in front of my child. He still thinks it's acceptable behaviour, to smack your adult child if they do something you don't like. Our relationship is very strained now.

hagridsbigtoe That's abuse. It was even then. No one can argue with that. That's awful. I'm sorry that happened to you.

My grandparents smacked my bum probably daily and it never affected me at all. I remember it happened, but don't remember any actual instances. My mum lost her patience with me probably about six times in my life and I can remember each time, because I got kicked, dragged up stairs and cut my hands on the walls, pushed really hard etc. The two forms of punishment were worlds apart and can't be compared. One is abuse and the other isn't.

"Smacking" is always abuse. How could anyone hit anyone else, let alone a defenceless child who loves you unconditionally and is programmed to do so. I couldn't.

I was smacked because according to my parents, I was uncontrollable. I hate them. I have no respect for them and it's made me very bitter toward them. I look forward to the day when they are elderly and in need. I will never ever help to meet even their basic needs. I hope they suffer as much heartache as I did.

I was smacked as a child, very rarely. It never hurt - but it did give me cause to think about my behaviour, because my dad was the most wonderful father and the most patient, kind soul. I knew if he smacked me, I’d seriously misbehaved.

There was one occasion when I wouldn’t stop fiddling with some extension leads. He repeatedly told me why it was dangerous but I wouldn’t listen, he told me if I continued to ignore him I’d get a smack, and so I did it again on purpose. He gave me a big hug, told me how much he loved me and wanted to keep me safe, and said he’d have to follow through with the smack. He gently tapped the top of my hand with one finger and I burst into tears. It wasn’t the tap that upset me, it was the realisation that I’d left my dad with no other option but to follow through with what he’d said and ‘smack’ me, which I knew upset him deeply.

I think any smacking of a teenager is very clearly abusive. The only defences of smacking I’ve heard that seem to have any degree of logic behind them are those about smacking to stop a small child running into the road or to stop a toddler repeatedly reaching for something that will burn them. One off events in response to an immediate risk to a child that’s too young to reason with, where the physical risk is much more serious than a smack.

Those posting ‘you wouldn’t hit a partner or friend so why hit a child’ are conveniently missing a key point. They wouldn’t sit them on the naughty step, send them to their room or stop them leaving the house either.

Is anyone charged by law for "smacking" an adult? No, it is accorded as assault in varying degrees.

Using the word "smack" discounts its violence, which is accorded as allowable to the smaller, younger of parented children. Like it's not really happening.

Disgusting in a so-called civilised country.

Those posting ‘you wouldn’t hit a partner or friend so why hit a child’ are conveniently missing a key point. They wouldn’t sit them on the naughty step, send them to their room or stop them leaving the house either

Those aren’t the only methods of getting acceptable behaviour