MIL from Hell, like she's actually a Demon

[FirstTimeMummyDS88]

A few of you may remember my previous post about my situation with my DP's family, I'm not going to list every single thing that has happened between us because it would take me about 3 days but I'll just post about the latest argument

So due to a load of arguments and frankly disgusting comments about myself from my partners family but mostly his mother I have gone completely NC with his family, I allowed visitation 5pm-7pm in a Tuesday every week and a few hours every weekend, PIL would call DP when outside and he would take DS out to car and same when they brought DS home so I don't have to see them. Anyway almost 2 weeks ago now I got a text from my DP's cousin saying she was looking forward to seeing me and DS that afternoon, without going into too much detail about all the drama I explained I wouldn't be going but I was glad MIL was taking DS to visit cousin and her DC, during the course of the conversation cousin mentioned that MIL was taking my DS to cousins house to have his hair cut, this was arranged completely without mine or DP knowledge and I was furious, mostly because it's his first haircut and when he is ready for a haircut I feel me and his dad should be the ones to take him. A few MN users suggested cousin maybe knew that it was behind my back and that's why she text (was unusual for her to text me) I have since spoken to cousin again (her child was in hospital so I rang to see how her DD was) cousin confirmed she felt uneasy doing the haircut without speaking to me but she also told me that MIL has been calling me all sorts behind my back and has stated "I will have my boys back with me before Christmas" meaning my DP and my DS, this was all discussed in front of my DS who yes may be a baby now and not understand but he eventually will and I do not trust her to not speak negatively in front of him.

I have sat my DP down and now told him that the Tuesday contact will be stopped and that if she wants DS on a weekend for a few hours then my DP must also go with them, she is not to have my DS unsupervised. DP seems to have located his spine suddenly because he actually completely supported me and agreed (think he was fuming other family now also been dragged into it)

Now my MIL is threatening to call social services on me (I'm emotionally abusing my DS by keeping him away from his family) and she will be seeking legal advice about taking me to court for visitation, I will post this in the legal section too but I was just wondering if anyone has any experience with social services or grandparents rights

Surely this mental woman can't get legal unsupervised time with my child?

Our family was destroyed as she pitted one against another. She outlived both my parents by many years, and continued to cause trouble
This is about power and control, it may not all be conscious and deliberate but something in her wanted to defeat and destroy her own children and other family members so that she can maintain her position as the alpha who orchestrates everything

@Nanny0gg I would be fine with that.
At least then OP would be free of this bullshit and she would be able to make a secure home for her child. Ensuring that they were raised with strong boundaries.

So sorry you’re going through this. I agree definitely do not write to her as she will attempt to use your letter in any way she can to back her ridiculous view of things.

You have gone above and beyond to allow a relationship between her and your DS but she is NOT a loving granny or she wouldn’t treat her DGS parents like she does. Her relationship has an agenda over and above being a kind, consistent and loving influence in your child’s life . To even jump straight to the fact you had a drink at 3 weeks pregnant and are in some way to blame for your DSs prematurity is malicious, manipulative and downright evil.

I’m glad your getting advice. I hope your DH will come round to the realisation that his son shouldn’t be around such a malign influence. It’s sad but as she is unable to put aside her need to control, belittle and threaten you, she shouldn’t be given further opportunity to attempt to sabotage your family.

What an awful situation for you to be in, so stressful. I think the bit where you said your DP has to go is the right thing to do. Don't stop the contact but make sure he is there. This cousin also sounds lovely and supportive, could you trust her to be there? Whatever you think of MIL your son will only see it that he is not seeing his Granny. It is similar to women that wish that their kids didn't see their EXH. The same thing applies as he gets older and she continues to bad mouth you your son won't want to see her or will certainly think differently. The best thing you can do is keep tight lipped and try to be reasonable. I know it is bloody hard, as this is the situation I have with my ex. Stopping contact shows her she has got to you. Sweetly smile and do t make out like you have any issues that will piss her off more.

As soon as DS was born my MIL was trying to get me out of the picture. It wound her up that I was always there.

yea - I had this starting in first pg. When we moved further away for DH work we had a surprise visit from flying monkey/shit stirrer - apparently MIL was telling everyone she was going to split us up and end up with our kids.

Thing is after few years and their social circle shifting and they started behaving much more normally – to point we did feel they could occasionally have the kids by themselves.

They’re really good DGP now – but they weren’t this crazy, we move much further away so had to deal less, DH was on-side and I think they started be surround by sane people and people who knew how few rights DGP have.

Firstly SS won't be in the least bit interested in her accusations. She's a grandparent and has ZERO parental responsibility for your DS. Stopping contact with a GP doesn't not constitute emotional abuse, nor does a few G&Ts before finding out you're pregnant constitute neglect.

I'd hold off sending the letter, speak to your solicitor, get him to send her something around supervised visits. If she doesn't agree then both you end your dc go NC. No negotiation, no discussion, she either accepts what you feel is reasonable or gets nothing.

Oh God OP you mean there are two of her!

Absolutely agree with everyone else. Stop all contact. This poisonous vindictive woman brings nothing to your lives apart from grief. What makes you think she adds anything to your son's life? She is not a normal loving granny. He will not lose out from not having a relationship with her. He will benefit more from NOT having a relationship with her. If you let her continue to see him she will poison him against you, damage him emotionally, and affect your relationship with him.

Don't let her do that. That's what she's aiming for. Stop her from seeing your son while he's still young enough to be unaffected by the poison.

The fact that your DH is moving to another workplace seems an ideal point to cut off contact. She won't be giving him a lift every day so no reason to see her. And absolutely don't write any letters. Stay strong OP. She is a witch and deserves nothing from you. Cut her off completely and enjoy the peace.

Actually grandparents don't have right, but child does have a legal right to a relationship with grandparents.

I knew someone who went through this & as they were complacent & too beaten down themselves by their patents, so their parents won access to her DS which caused untold problems over the years.

You need to put across very strongly with as much evidence as possible the emotional harm they cause your DS by bad mouthing you in front of him & undermining your parenting & get some legal advice. SS would likely be on your side, not MILs

You mil sounds exactly like my fiancé’s parents they have been making my life a living hell for a year we don’t have any kids yet but if we did I have a feeling this is the kind shit they would try and do as well. I have no advice just sympathy because I know what your going through.

Your too bitchy note? It's fine except there are too many words in it. There shouldn't be any. Every communication you have with her gives her information and ammunition. Any and all ammunition you have should be kept for you to decide if and when you want to use it. Is anyone military on here? Perhaps someone cann explain the tactical advantage of ambush and surprise.

Other than that, I rather think it's grey rock time. Reduce contact between mil, dp and ds. And you decide when contact takes place and don't announce it. Dp can start driving himself to work from tomorrow for starters. Just have dp turn up, have the visit and then leave, all on his own timetable. All control needs to come from you. And Grey Rock, Grey Rock, Grey Rock.

Keep a written record of all the things that MIL has done and said with dates as far as possible. Also record any requests about her behaviour that you and your DH have made to your MIL, that she has ignored. If she does pursue the court route and anyone takes it seriously it will be useful. If she does I would employ delaying tactics every step of the way.
I have come across a case where a restraining order or non-molestation order was taken out against GPs who persistently tried to visit their GC against parents' wishes, but that would be a last resort.

So sorry, this sounds a horrible situation to be in. Please keep all the evidence of her nasty behaviour.

You probably will never need to show anything to officials but if you child ever asks why you cut contact with his grandmother you can explain (when he is older in age appropriate language). A grandmother trying to separate a child from their loving mother is not a person a child needs in their life.

Encourage your dp, encourage his backbone, you are a new family unit and your MIL cannot get her hands on your son.

Yep, no letter. Don't explain, don't threaten, don't offer. Partly because she'll love the reaction but secondly it is likely to bite you in the arse. Just don't see her or let your ds see her.
I have a great relationship with my parents and dh's parents but seeing them every weekend would be a bit much!

No, I would say very clearly to your DH that now that she has made the threat of involving court and SS, then contact HAS to stop as by facilitating it, you are giving her ammunition in order to cause real trouble for you. A court application by her will only be considered if she can prove she has an ongoing relationship with your DC. So right now, you need to stop that being the case. Perhaps this can be revisited in time, but right now, YOU as a family need to protect yourselves from letting this person in at all.

It is the most effective way to stop her anyway. You IMMEDIATELY withdraw contact and say, fine, go to SS. When they visit I will put them fully in the picture as to your illegal accessing of my medical data, your interference, your threats I have in text form. Crack on.

I would think that a few weeks with you furious - BOTH of you furious - with no contact and a VERY clear message that she tries to pull this shit and she will be out of both your lives is a MUCH better strategy than supervised visits and appeasement.

She WANTS your DH and DS to visit her alone. Basically, you are facilitating being cut out of the relationship. Why on earth would you do that? You say to your DH, no - I am not being cut out. She is. Or our marriage is way in trouble.

She will damage your relationship - she already has - and damage your child.

Some excellent advice from bigKiteFlying and others.

And SchadenfreudePersonified (excellent name) so sorry to hear about your situation but absolutely 100% why some people do need to be kept away from families. Having a blood or social tie to anyone is not enough to outweigh the harm and damage they can do. No one has a right to be in the life of an adult or child if they make that life worse over the long term or even in the short term make it significantly worse, IMHO.

No contact, definately don't write anything. See solicitor, tell them you want no contact. Dp will supervise for a bit but he won't challenge and she will persuade him to pop out so she gets alone time.
Supervised contact is dragging it out and giving her ammunition, let her pay for contact centre (don't suggest that).
She is a bad influence on your child. Cultivate the cousin and her family

PS agree with others, do not tell her anything, just cut contact.

Agree with FizzyGreenWater

"... she has made the threat of involving court and SS, then contact HAS to stop as by facilitating it, you are giving her ammunition in order to cause real trouble for you. A court application by her will only be considered if she can prove she has an ongoing relationship with your DC. So right now, you need to stop that being the case."

Good luck.

I think you should go NC tbh, she sounds completely toxic, one of the worst MILs I've read about on here. I don't say that lightly, but my F was toxic (and not just the SA, he was emotionally controlling as well), and he still messes with my head 21 years after his death. Though I'm hopeful that the therapy I'm undergoing will help me get free of that finally.

Yes, a child may well miss a toxic parent/grandparent. (I grieved my F when he passed away.) In your place, OP, your DS will be much better off if you cut her off now, before she has a chance to damage him as she has the rest of the family. And he'll be too young to remember her anyway.

I'm sorry, people like that don't change.

I have to say this too, ffs get married and protect yourself. If the worst comes to the worst and you split up because of this, you need financial protection.

DO NOT write to her.
It will only give her ammunition.
Leave all contact with her to your DP.

Definitely get the legal advice and definitely go supervised contact only for your DS, with a view to withdrawing contact entirely if she carries on with her toxic behaviour.

She will NOT be a good grandmother to your DS - because she will continue to trash you to him, and to try to split up you and your DP's relationship - not worth it.

She sounds utterly horrific - I actually hope she does call SS on you so that your DP agrees to go full NC with the bitch.

To echo previous posters, I've long abided by my father's excellent advice: never write anything down that you wouldn't want to be read out loud in court.

This includes threats to out her to her work. You don't want that on the record (not her actions, the threat).

No, of course she's got no rights. But what a sad situation!

You would be insane to write down anywhere for anyone to see that they have formal supervised access.

They aren’t parents.

If you must, allow supervised visits. Not to a schedule, not regular, totally ad hoc.

Because you do not want to get into a pattern of every weekend i promise you that.

I can understand you want to engage and lock horns but I think it would be best to not give her any inkling into what's going on behind the scenes. Let it come out of the blue so she doesn't have time to prepare a defense and blag and bluster a rationale for her insanity and vindictiveness to family, etc.

You'll need proof about it being her who accessed your hospital records and changed appointments, etc.

Hold fire until you have had advice from the solicitor and have got the proof about accessing your hospital records.

She sounds like a right piece of work and I can't help hoping she ends up with just desserts.

Stay cool and keep us updated.

Thankyou for all your advice

My DP has spoken to her in work today and told her that he has plans with a friend on Saturday so isn't available for her visitation and that we have plans with my family on Sunday so again she will not be able to see DS (it's my mothers birthday)
So now I'm getting a break and she is angry at him, again he engaged spine and actually said to her "at the moment mother your lucky you see either of us at all, take what your given or have nothing at all"

I'm just going to keep my mouth shut and not do or say anything until I've spoken to a solicitor on Friday, I've printed all the screenshots and texts I have on my phone with all the evidence I have of her bad mouthing me to people and in front of my son and I have the letters off the hospital where my appointments were changed, for now I'm just going to leave the access to my DP, she isn't seeing DS this weekend now and won't be next because it's his birthday and we have plans all weekend (again she's fuming about this)
I'm going to write down every example I have of the things she has done and said to me and then leave it until she makes her next move