MIL from Hell, like she's actually a Demon

[FirstTimeMummyDS88]

A few of you may remember my previous post about my situation with my DP's family, I'm not going to list every single thing that has happened between us because it would take me about 3 days but I'll just post about the latest argument

So due to a load of arguments and frankly disgusting comments about myself from my partners family but mostly his mother I have gone completely NC with his family, I allowed visitation 5pm-7pm in a Tuesday every week and a few hours every weekend, PIL would call DP when outside and he would take DS out to car and same when they brought DS home so I don't have to see them. Anyway almost 2 weeks ago now I got a text from my DP's cousin saying she was looking forward to seeing me and DS that afternoon, without going into too much detail about all the drama I explained I wouldn't be going but I was glad MIL was taking DS to visit cousin and her DC, during the course of the conversation cousin mentioned that MIL was taking my DS to cousins house to have his hair cut, this was arranged completely without mine or DP knowledge and I was furious, mostly because it's his first haircut and when he is ready for a haircut I feel me and his dad should be the ones to take him. A few MN users suggested cousin maybe knew that it was behind my back and that's why she text (was unusual for her to text me) I have since spoken to cousin again (her child was in hospital so I rang to see how her DD was) cousin confirmed she felt uneasy doing the haircut without speaking to me but she also told me that MIL has been calling me all sorts behind my back and has stated "I will have my boys back with me before Christmas" meaning my DP and my DS, this was all discussed in front of my DS who yes may be a baby now and not understand but he eventually will and I do not trust her to not speak negatively in front of him.

I have sat my DP down and now told him that the Tuesday contact will be stopped and that if she wants DS on a weekend for a few hours then my DP must also go with them, she is not to have my DS unsupervised. DP seems to have located his spine suddenly because he actually completely supported me and agreed (think he was fuming other family now also been dragged into it)

Now my MIL is threatening to call social services on me (I'm emotionally abusing my DS by keeping him away from his family) and she will be seeking legal advice about taking me to court for visitation, I will post this in the legal section too but I was just wondering if anyone has any experience with social services or grandparents rights

Surely this mental woman can't get legal unsupervised time with my child?

OP why did your DP let this fester so much? Nearly 7 years on, I still cant forgive my DH for not standing up for me from day 1 and for not putting an end to my MILs BS the day it started. He should have told her to back off when she made her guest list for your wedding. You both let get get away for so long, she is 1000s of miles away from boundaries. It is not going to be easy dragging her all the way back and showing her the lines she cant cross. She will try with all her might to bully you both down. She will try everything - tears, health issues - She knows your DPs buttons, she will press all of them. If you want to resolve the sh!t once and for all, you need to put up a solid fight OP. If you give up half way, that will only strengthen her. Stay very strong and have a ZERO tolerance attitude. Don't ignore small things she does. Every time she does something, she loses something. If you want to give her visitation after all this, say 2 hours, cut it down to 1.5 hours for every dig. Your DP has to be FULLY on board.

Don't let her see him AT ALL.

She is clearly unhinged. Is she on her own or is there a FIL. What is he like?

Don't offer anything.

Wait till you've had advice.

Where is your DH now in all this?

@saraclara OP doesn't have the obligation to accommodate her MILs needs. Even if SS are involved, they wont be interested in why she doesn't like her MIL. "I am not comfortable with my child having anything to do with my MIL for all the issues that happened between us" this would be sufficient explanation for SS or anyone. SS will only be concerned with the child's welfare. As long as the child is looked after well by the parents, SS wont even be remotely interested in why the child is not seeing his grandparents.

Maybe I could get the solicitor to write a letter detailing my offer of supervised visitation then the ball is in her court

Why don't you wait till you have spoken to the solicitor? See what their take on the situation is.

I've tended to find being reasonable with someone who just isn't going to be gets you more and more shit and demands. I'd also be worried that allowing this establishes the precedence of giving her access and a relationship which she can then go to court with.

I think blocking everything is best till you've spoken to the solicitor and see what they suggest first.

My DP wants to do the supervised access now but has said if she goes through with her SS threat then he will completely cut off all contact with all of his family.

I completely understand people saying go no contact now and of course I want to, I want this woman out of my life but at the end of the day DS isn't just my child. Yes my DP should have found his balls a long time ago and told her to back off but he has now.

OP, no solicitor or anything. You don't initiate anything. Just cut contacts and focus on her life. If she contacts SS, just answer their questions. If she contacts a solicitor and finds a nutcase who will actually take her case, THEN respond via a solicitor. Don't waste anymore time on her. Just delete her from your head and act like she doesn't exist.

Just cut contacts and focus on her life
I mean YOUR life.

If she asks DP, just ask him to say sorry we are busy. Just be very busy all the time. If you are still ok with visitation, it will be at a time that suits YOU. and if I were you, I'd have made plans with DS already for the time she asks. Atleast 4/5 times will be a NO just to prove a point.
Show her who is the boss OP. Never bend backwards and cancel plans to accommodate her demands.

Your dp needs to act in favour of his family which is You and your child, not his mother.
I'd go mad if my dh continued access after all this. he is just as much your problem as your mil, except none of you can see this.
Who is acting on behalf of your child, you all seem to be bothered about mil and her access.
She has no rights and really shouldn't be in your child's life. Over my dead body would a child of mine have been subjected to a woman like this.

Mother of god. Just when you think this woman can't get any worse you come back with another update. I'm fuming for you OP.

Maybe I could get the solicitor to write a letter detailing my offer of supervised visitation then the ball is in her court

Why? She doesn't have any visitation rights AT ALL. This isn't a divorce. This is getting a vicious woman to stop harassing you. You don't need to offer her ANYTHING and you shouldn't.

I'd divorce him over that. And I almost did my DH when we were in a similar situation.

I calmly started making plans to deprecate and MiL....well she carried on being herself.

Now we're still happily married and she hasn't seen our children in 2 years.

You need to be the grown up here. If you accept this then accept the anything she says or does now is also on you.

@Contraceptionismyfriend

Trouble is, splitting up from the father could give more access not less.

Don't write to her and definitely don't get a solicitor to write to her. There's no point in that at all. At best, it costs you unnecessary money, at worst, she has an official letter setting out visiting rights when actually, she's only allowed to see your son whenever you or your DP chooses.

Does your DP work with his mum? It sounds like they are doing the same/similar jobs in the same place. He's going to have to really grow a spine if he he's seeing her all day Mon-Fri.

I completely understand people saying go no contact now and of course I want to, I want this woman out of my life but at the end of the day DS isn't just my child.

I get that - it's why I was always around with IL when their behaviour wasn't great - never on this level - so they couldn't bad mouth me to my kids or do things we weren't happy about - that was after a few time they went out their way to do that.

They did start respecting boundaries - but it took years and ever never this batshit.
Toxic IL and Parent books might be worth a look.

If he’s stood up to her... expect her to enlist flying monkeys to manipulate him back under her thumb and of course she’ll be “ill”

Grandparents have no rights. Tell her to crack on with the solicitor because she hasn't got a leg to stand on. If social services come out it'll be to do an initial assessment. Once they realise what it's all about, they'll go away. They don't have time for this kind of vindictive nonsense when there are families and children in need of their help.

I am sorry you have to go through this but you're right, she is insane.

@MangosteenSoda

At the moment they work together in the same hospital but different departments, they travel to work together, no point both driving she says when she can drop him off on way home, although he has stopped this recently since the haircut debacle. He has just been promoted though so will be moving to another site within the next two weeks

God Lord you poor thing! I hope you win the lottery and move to Australia!
I wouldn't do the letter now but good idea seeking legal advice and certainly show the lawyer the change of appointment letters too and explain what she did.
For now I would go nc and let your husband do the visits with strict instructions that as soon as MIL mentions you in any way he is to leave.

@MzHz

Oh I've had the sick card for years, she had a heart attack shortly before I met DP (surprised that hasn't been blamed on me, she saw me coming and it stopped her heart or something haha) and she has a heart condition and high blood pressure, the blood pressure gets blamed on me and her favourite like is "I could drop dead tomorrow"

@greeneyedlulu

I can't move to Australia his sister lives there and she's just as mental 😂😂

OP, one piece of advice my therapist gave me was to not allow my MIL a relationship with my boys without me. Her (delusional) fantasy was that they would move in with her. She clearly still believes it now even though we are all NC. As soon as DS was born my MIL was trying to get me out of the picture. It wound her up that I was always there. It sounds like your MIL is actually getting her way but you not being there. To force her to respect you I think you really need to be there. The three of you are a family unit and she can't pick and choose. She either sees you all and treats you decently or doesn't get any contact IMO.

You are rewarding her bullying by not being there

Reinforcing pps - don't make any threats. Get legal advice if need be, but don't show your hand. Any threats or contact from you will just stoke the fire.
You really need to report her to the hospital also.

Regardless of what she did to you, she sounds like an unscrupulous character who shouldn't have those data privellages full stop. Of anyone's information.