DH thinks I’m not suited to having children

[Summersway]

I’m late 20s, DH mid 30s. Together 5 years. Part of me has always wanted a child, the other part not so sure. I’ll go through periods of feeling desperately broody and wanting to TTC, to feeling unsure as to whether having DC is a good idea at all. We have a nice lifestyle and part of me would really miss it, on the other hand I can’t imagine a future without children. I’m very indecisive in general so this is normal for me. When we had our most recent conversation about TTC, DH said he wants me to be 100% sure it’s what I want first, as I change my mind.

This lead on to a conversation where he expressed concerns that I might struggle adjusting/regret having DC due to the way I am. Admittedly I’m selfish, easily stressed, a worrier, impatient and generally someone who (without meaning to) seems to create a lot of drama in their own life as a result of getting stressed/worrying over things not going the way I planned them. I try my best to work on these things, but in a way they make up the person I am and it’s hard to change.

AIBU in thinking surely there are lots of people with similar sort of traits who have had DC, managed to adjust and are genuinely happy? I fear if I waited until I’m “100% sure” as DH suggests, I may never have DC at all!

Maybe you could have some private counselling to help you address your current worries, and make sure that your DH isn't actually a bit of a shit for having such a low opinion of you. Then you'll know yourself a bit better and can make a decision?

Well there’s nothing like a baby to stop you having time to dwell on stuff or think about yourself!

I don’t think anybody actually knows how they will cope until the time comes, tbh. PND can strike anywhere. Super-calm people can become over-anxious about the baby; other people who used to stress the small stuff may find they come into their own.

I'd ignore him. Most of those are normal human traits. He sounds like a patronising git. I doubt very much you'd regret having kids and be a great mum

Sounds to me like he is storing this up so he has a comeback if you ever dare complain about how hard it is when the kids are here.

Firstly, it might be worth looking into having therapy such as counciling or CBT for your anxiety issues as one thing I can tell you as is you are likely to feel it more with a baby due to hormones and feeling the responsibility of looking after something precious that needs you for everything (in the beginning).

It would be good prep. But secondly, as a side effect, you may find a clearer view or just know you are more prepared.

I think it’s a common feeling to not be 100%. I think if I was unable to conceive we may have looked at adoption but most likely we would have cracked one, a little sadness and remorse but I don’t think I had major urges like many do. DD is awesome. Equally, when I thought I’d have 2 I’m sticking with 1.

He wants you to be sure. How does he feel about kids?

Is he laying the groundwork for when you have kids leaving all the work to you as "you were sure you wanted them, and everything that came with them" refusing to take on more responsibility etc. When you struggle?

On the face on it, nothing wrong with waiting until you are sure. Because you can't return them! And they are hard work!

I'm sure most of us are selfish before having kids- and quite rightly, no harm in putting yourself first.
I'm also a worrier, and can get easily stressed. I think having children if anything has given me more perspective to appreciate that tiny things aren't important. I have much more confidence in myself so that I don't worry what others think or about minor issues, and focus on the big things in life that matter.
I have a couple of friends who somehow seem to make everything a drama (they're always exhausted from a couple of meetings at work or a weekend of hobbies, every conversation with someone is such a big deal and there are always issues with family/friends that to me seem trivial) and I used to think they were nowhere near resilient enough to cope with 'real' things in life that are stressful like having kids- but in reality I think your barometer moves and you just learn to adapt.
Nothing in your post would make me think you definitely shouldn't have kids! Your DH sounds a bit cruel to say that to you.

No one is ever 100% sure. We waited until we were married, settled and in secure jobs to TTC. I always wanted DC but I remember laying on the table having just had a spinal block for a c section thinking WTF have I done, I'm not ready, I'm not sure I want this. These feelings are natural. Were you 100% every second that you wanted to get married without any anxieties or interpretation at all? Its normal to have some anxieties about major life events. Despite having an awful time during DDs birth I wouldn't trade being her mum for anything. Your DH sounds like he's waging a low level campaign to undermine you when your partner should be helping you feel good about yourself.

I think your dh doesn't sound very nice or kind or supportive. If you have periods of wanting a child and being broody then you will regret not having a child.

Does he want DC? Sounds like he's setting you up to be sole carer of any DC while he swans about not getting involved and then blaming you when you dare to complain, ask for him to pull his weight or can't cope.

Sounds like he is reticent to change his lifestyle and is putting it on you. He thinks you won’t be a good mother?

Stop bringing it up. Start to detach. He will freak out and think you are leaving him and try and push for a family.

It’s the worst possible advice. But if you stop bringing it up - how can he say you’re a worrier? You need to chill.

There is never a perfect time to be 100% sure you want children because life isn’t perfect. Your dh sounds like a plonker. Do you want children with someone who is already undermining/criticising you?

Everyone is self centered before they have kids. It usually goes away. Being a smug judgmental git isn't a great trait in a father tbh and tends to be a lifetime issue

DH’s words were not nice.

As PPs say, what may have been his motivations for saying those things? Does he want to become a parent and what is his self assessment of HIS suitability?!

Have you had practical conversations about how you might manage a baby, eg both continuing to work, childcare? Do you share domestic work and “life admin” now?

In what ways are you “selfish” and “create drama”?

Most of the points in your self description apply to me, except selfishness. I also have a longstanding mental health issue. Am a good parent, patient with the DC, do find it hard having much less time and autonomy, but think that’s normal.

SIL was very self absorbed before (3) DC IMO! She is much less so now.

I think he's reflecting his own concerns (ie he's selfish etc) - and getting ready to blame you when it's hard.

How hard does he work on his personality and getting ready to be a parent? (Or is he perfect already?!!)

What are the lifestyle things you think would change?

Be careful about thinking about certain (negative) behaviours as fixed traits, “the way I am”.

I'm a similar personality type to you OP! I decided if I was 50/50 about DC, then I wouldn't have them.

My concerns were my personality (prone to being anxious, easily frustrated, LOVE my quiet time to myself) but also the wider idea of bringing kids into this world (life is bloody tough, at every turn, climate change, cost of living, overpopulation) and now I'm delighted to be childfree. My life is very happy and fulfilled!

You can't go back, and I'd rather have the odd wistful 'I wonder what it would be like...' than regret having them. The risk of resentment is just too big.

Honestly I think two things:
Your DH doesn’t want kids, and
He’s horrible to you.

Your list of negative traits - who came up with them - you or him?

OP I'm like you. All the things you list, I'm the same, apart from making dramas which I can't be bothered with at all. I have 2 dc and my life revolves around them. I work from home so I can be with them. Being all the things you describe doesn't mean you won't be able to enjoy having children.

Hes projecting his own stuff on to you.

Haha you sound like me OP. I had a child at 21 (by accident) and yes it was tough but I love him so much. I'd never have made the decision if it hadn't taken me by surprise, I'd still have been faffing about until my 40's.
I'm sure you DH only wants to make sure you are doing the best for you and don't make a mistake.
Do you have to decide now? You are still very young. Why not wait a couple of years and see how you feel then.

Do you think he’s ready or has enough positive traits to be a good parent??

The one thing I would say is that in your late 20’s you still have plenty of time on your side. During that time you should work on some of the things that make you feel the way you do and try to change some of them to get you in a better place to deal with what a baby brings. Maybe he doesn’t want one and is deflecting this on to you.

Your DH has harshly critique you.

Is he kind, supportive, generous, shares the workload?
What was his motivation do you think?

Everyone is capable of change and I think seeing someone might help you manage and improve the areas that you know need working on.

I don't think I know of a single mother that wouldn't say they were "gloriously self absorbed" pre having children.

I ate, slept, holidayed, went out, exactly when I liked.

I came home from work "exhausted" and never got up from the sofa for the evening.

I had zero interest in children, at all, before having my own.

I think the above is very normal and I loved those years.

However, when I had my first child it did changed me. It changed my dh as well.
It was a shock, the 24 responsibility and the loving of this baby so completely. But you get used to it and it changed me for the better.

I was definitely very unsure about having children and left it late enough, but something in me couldn't quite imagine a life without a child.

Focus on that and also have a really good look at your DH.

Do not have a child if he is not totally committed to you and the idea.

On the other hand I have friends without children and despite looking amazingly well and fresh for their ages, they have never regretted it.

Best of luck.