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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH thinks I’m not suited to having children

145 replies

Summersway · 12/06/2019 07:29

I’m late 20s, DH mid 30s. Together 5 years. Part of me has always wanted a child, the other part not so sure. I’ll go through periods of feeling desperately broody and wanting to TTC, to feeling unsure as to whether having DC is a good idea at all. We have a nice lifestyle and part of me would really miss it, on the other hand I can’t imagine a future without children. I’m very indecisive in general so this is normal for me. When we had our most recent conversation about TTC, DH said he wants me to be 100% sure it’s what I want first, as I change my mind.

This lead on to a conversation where he expressed concerns that I might struggle adjusting/regret having DC due to the way I am. Admittedly I’m selfish, easily stressed, a worrier, impatient and generally someone who (without meaning to) seems to create a lot of drama in their own life as a result of getting stressed/worrying over things not going the way I planned them. I try my best to work on these things, but in a way they make up the person I am and it’s hard to change.

AIBU in thinking surely there are lots of people with similar sort of traits who have had DC, managed to adjust and are genuinely happy? I fear if I waited until I’m “100% sure” as DH suggests, I may never have DC at all!

OP posts:

QueSera · 12/06/2019 09:54

Admittedly I’m selfish, easily stressed, a worrier, impatient and generally someone who (without meaning to) seems to create a lot of drama in their own life as a result of getting stressed/worrying over things not going the way I planned them. I try my best to work on these things, but in a way they make up the person I am and it’s hard to change.

Well, tbh, those are all qualities which will make having/raising children more difficult for you, and for your partner, and will impact your children. It is very difficult to convey the impact that children can have in parents' lives - obviously we all know being a parent is going to be challenging, but the intensity of that challenge (heightened by potential lack of sleep, etc) is far more monumental (for me anyway) than I ever could have anticipated.
Of course none of the personality traits you mentioned should prevent you from having children - but I suspect that you will find parenthood a far more enjoyable experience if you started to work on some of the things you listed - work on selflessness, empathy, resilience, stress-management/reduction methods, flexibility, patience, worrying less, and being able to deal with situations that do not go to plan, because everything to do with children, from getting pregnant to raising them, has huge potential not to go to plan.
I wish you well OP.

LondonJax · 12/06/2019 10:01

Well I'm easily stressed, a worrier and can be quite selfish. I'm also prone to the odd drama (normally over nothing to be honest).

I think it depends what you actually mean by all the above. And to what level.

For example I tend to get moody if I don't get a bit of me time each week - my selfish and slightly childish trait I'm afraid. I recognise that, I talked to DH about it (who recognises it quicker than I do and does something about it). DH has always taken over as soon as we've had dinner, he gets home by 6pm every day normally so we all eat together. When DS was little (he's now 12) DH would do a bit of playtime, then the bath and getting ready for bed routine. I would use the time to do the little things I wanted to do whether it was watching an early evening programme or just having a quiet shower. It gave me something to look forward to, gave me the 'me' time I needed day to day and DH had a chance to be with his son.

I worry about tiny things like what happens if the bus is late when I'm due to get to an appointment and I'll stress over it. The logical side of me will talk the worrier down eventually so I don't let it get to me.

And yes, having sole responsibility for DS during the day when he was young was stressful sometimes. Baby and parent clubs can be a bit boring sometimes (especially if I was having a 'wish I had a bit of me time' day), DS could have a bad day and that was hard and if DH had to travel on business it could be a very long day or two!

But, I worked through these because I love my boy. Yes, there were days I'd mutter under my breath when I needed a cuppa and he was being a normal toddler causing havoc. But I'm an adult and understand my moods so I can control those. So I'd make a cuppa, let him having his chaos moment and sort it out later. Not the end of the world and it taught me to keep a check on the stress level.

So it does depend what stress, worry and selfishness means to you. If you want a day to yourself it's different to expecting to fly off with your mates at a moment's notice. Stressing because you've not had a minute to yourself is fine - how you handle that in front of your future DC is the key. Finding ways to manage the stress is important. If you're volatile when you're stressed you may need to address that before you have kids because they can push buttons you don't know you have! But if, like me, you're a mutterer then take a deep breath and find a way through it that's OK.

One thing I will say is that most of my friends say I'm a laid back mum. My worries don't seem to involve DS very often oddly enough - even though he does have a serious medical condition. I think it's because I feel more in control of him and his life at the moment. DH and I make the decisions for him to a certain extent and certainly did when he was a little boy. So I make the decision and it works for me so I don't worry. Very odd.

ginghamtablecloths · 12/06/2019 10:07

I wonder if you're overthinking this. Many anxious women have children and cope fairly well - after all, there's no such thing as a perfect parent. You can only try to be 'good enough'.

OTOH it is an extra responsibility to worry about. On another thread I listed my reasons why I chose not to have children - the one I forgot to mention is that I'm a champion worrier. You are doing the right thing to think about parenthood carefully instead of just letting it happen. Many lives have some regret about them - most of the time we just get on with things. Best of luck whatever you decide.

sqirrelfriends · 12/06/2019 10:12

The fact that you're even worried you might be a less than perfect mother speaks volumes. In my limited experience bad parents don't worry about these things. I'm sure you'll be a great mum.

Do you think your DH is just nervous? It's normal to be scared of change.

Happyspud · 12/06/2019 10:13

I’m easygoing, practical, organised, happy, loving and had a wonderful upbringing myself with great role models. I feel some days I’m really not suited to the job of mum. I have a wild temper I had not seen since childhood over stupid things, I’m impatient and unempathetic to the never ending stream of accidents and I just want them to piss off some other times and leave my head in peace. So that’s not the makings of a great mum to be frank some days.

You mention the bad traits some people have who go on to be parents but it HAS to be acknowledged that there are actually LOTs of crap parents around. Yes, bad mothers who are not good enough.

Only you can know or at least believe that you are up to the job, and not just up to it but capable of doing a good job for these little people who deserve the best. So it’s not about whether you want to be a mum it’s about whether you want to and can be a good mum.

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/06/2019 10:14

Isnt this just him saying he doesnt actually want kids, and is putting it onto you...?

mydogisthebest · 12/06/2019 10:15

Butterflyone, sorry but you cannot say for sure that having a baby will mean your life is filled with love and pleasure. That's just a ridiculous thing to say

CiarCel · 12/06/2019 10:17

He has always said he’d like to have DC, but we have been through periods were we’ve agreed to TTC, then I’ve changed my mind

Don't know why the DH is being given a hard time here - the OP is all about herself and not about how difficult/disappointing that must be for her DH. He sounds pretty supportive to me to put up with that!

NauseousMum · 12/06/2019 10:19

@CiarCel Agreed. Plus the OP admitted that she's dramatic and that her dh didn't even list those things- she did.

MiddleClassProblem · 12/06/2019 10:21

If you were TTC and your partner then backed out, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say that you really want to make sure they want it next time, especially if they are the one who’s body will be going through it.

OnlineAlienator · 12/06/2019 10:21

Sounds to me like he is storing this up so he has a comeback if you ever dare complain about how hard it is when the kids are here.

This. Beware, OP, this dude sounds v manipulative.

echt · 12/06/2019 10:21

Turn it round. Ask your DH how he feels about having children. Give him a list of what the modern mother expects, e.g:

50:50 free time
You do night feeds, he makes all meals
Depending on SAHP decisions, make up pay/promotion/pensions out of pay.

See how he likes them apples.

MiddleClassProblem · 12/06/2019 10:22

X post with CierCel.

NauseousMum · 12/06/2019 10:24

Seriously, did few see the OPs update? the dh didn't say those things, the OP did. He was just cautious to ttc with someone who keeps changing their mind!

bigKiteFlying · 12/06/2019 10:27

Turn it round. Ask your DH how he feels about having children.

OP has said he wants them - they've been TTC and it's her that changes her mind.

TheVeryThing · 12/06/2019 10:29

I think your update paints a very different picture to your title and OP, and of course most people are responding to the latter.
You will get better advice if you're clear about what the issue is. Many on MN are keenly alert to the ways in which women can be undermoined or manipulartd by their partners and have repsonded in this way.
I echo the comments that we are all selfish before we have kids.
I admit that I wondered how a work coleague, whom I would describe as a bit precious and all about herselff, would take to having kids. She's still the same person but a brilliant mum to her 2 kids, and it has been a lesson to me in not being so judgemental.

If you do want children together you need to be in agreement, and acknowldge that it will be tough at times and you will need to support one another & work as a team.

pelirocco123 · 12/06/2019 10:31

I think you are perfectly normal . I always said I didnt want any until I was 30 and ended up having 4 by then ! I really had little interest in babies or children before I had mine . And yes they do change your life , cause strain on your relationship , take all your money and fee time lol ....Its not easy , but then nothing worthwile is really

echt · 12/06/2019 10:34

Seriously, did few see the OPs update? the dh didn't say those things, the OP did. He was just cautious to ttc with someone who keeps changing their mind!

Excellent point, Nauseous

OP: Nobody's perfect, many people have doubts but crack on and it turns out OK. More or less. Some think they're born to be a parent than it all goes tits up and they're horrible, yet still think they're perfecto. I'm the least maternal person in theory, with many reasons to doubt my capacity, but my DC says I'm a good mum.

FizzyGreenWater · 12/06/2019 10:42

You sound:

perfectly normal, nobody is ever 100% sure about having kids as it's such a huge leap into the unknown, very self aware on your own personality traits etc...

He sounds:

Patronising, possibly likes putting you down, possibly a bit of a git. Or - someone who likes making big decisions someone else's responsibility so that he can say 'Well, you wanted to...'

RiversDisguise · 12/06/2019 10:42

Lordy...

awomanwhogetsthingsdone · 12/06/2019 10:43

Have kids or don't have kids. You'll have a mixture of pleasure and pain either way. But I'd think long and hard about whether you're 100% happy with your DH. He sounds like he's been telling you who you are and what you think for a long time. No wonder you feel indecisive with him in your head the whole time. Lots of red flags imo.

calmpuppycrazykids · 12/06/2019 10:47

Are you sure that he wants children as it sounds like he is putting it on you
when it could be him who has the problem

AlaskanOilBaron · 12/06/2019 10:49

Yes, I wish there was a way to show the people who mither about how much work it will be that it's only really hard work for a year or two. Sometimes I leave DS playing with his little trains while I have a cup of tea and read a book and think wow, I feel like myself again. You have to get up a bit earlier but it takes some real commitment to lie ins to not have children because you like them.

I honestly didn't feel that way, I thought it was pretty hard going for about 10 years.

FriarTuck · 12/06/2019 10:51

Everything from the way you worded your O,P to the later updates were about creating bloody drama. You should have mentioned the conversation in your OP that you had with him - the one where you have decided to TTC and then backed out. And that the list of negative traits were not brought up by him, but are your own insecurities.
This ^^. You've written it to portray DH in a poor light (to prompt the usual 'bastard, LTB' comments?) when actually all he's done is ask you if you're really sure about a decision that will massively change both your lives as well as creating a new one who could also get messed up. He sounds sensible to me - perhaps if more people actually thought about such things seriously there wouldn't be as many children getting stuck in the middle because their parents split up and aren't prepared to behave like adults and parents.
I'd put the idea of children on hold until you can work out what you actually want. They're not like rescue dogs that you can just give back when you find they're inconvenient.

lifetothefull · 12/06/2019 10:52

TTC seems like a big scary thing when you're in your 20s. I had my first in my 20s and we did decide to stop using contraception, but I couldn't quite bring myself to admit we were ttc as it just seemed like such a big responsibility that I wasn't ready for. I wanted to get pregnant by accident so that I didn't need to decide about it.
You sound like you want children. None of the things you describe would make you a bad mum. They are just things you would need to try and keep in check. We all have some of those.

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